Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[jratt85]

I still don't think that her having a lover is going to fix your issues.. especially with her constantly calling him her bf and not her bull.. The dynamic on her side is very much a separate relationship from you not just sex.

[drstrangelove]

I still don't think that her having a lover is going to fix your issues.. especially with her constantly calling him her bf and not her bull.. The dynamic on her side is very much a separate relationship from you not just sex.

BF was my term—bull seems so strange to say in a real conversation. And I think for her, she’s looking for a friend to be able to hang out with more than just a penis to have sex with.

I suppose your point is that’s playing with fire, and I can see that. Here’s the problem I’m having though.

Before the affair, she was opposed to having sex with another guy—at least that’s what she said. The line: “the only man I fantasize about is you.” Was said before, during and after the affair. It’s a total lie. But the issue before was it would have been me pushing for it, so if things went bad and I found out I wasn’t ok with it, the weight of it all would have been on me. Ultimately, I just accepted it as a fantasy and leaned into all the Dom/sub stuff.

Now, with the affair a year behind me, the reality is very different than before the affair: my wife is not only willing to have sex with another guy, she did it (and was planning to continue doing it had I not caught her; and secondly, I know it’s not a dealbreaker for me—I’m still happy being with her.

So the fantasy is just too big for me to ignore—it’s something I just desperately want to experience, so her being open to it down the line is all I can think about. So much so, I don’t care about the terms: what she calls him, how much less we have sex, wearing a cage, cream pies—whatever she wants is fine with me, I just need to experience the fantasy finally.

If that results in her leaving me, I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything. That would be her choice. Ignoring this fantasy the rest of my life would be hell.

And FWIW, I don’t see her leaving me, but I’ve been plenty wrong before.

[jratt85]

I still don't think that her having a lover is going to fix your issues.. especially with her constantly calling him her bf and not her bull.. The dynamic on her side is very much a separate relationship from you not just sex.

BF was my term—bull seems so strange to say in a real conversation. And I think for her, she’s looking for a friend to be able to hang out with more than just a penis to have sex with.

I suppose your point is that’s playing with fire, and I can see that. Here’s the problem I’m having though.

Before the affair, she was opposed to having sex with another guy—at least that’s what she said. The line: “the only man I fantasize about is you.” Was said before, during and after the affair. It’s a total lie. But the issue before was it would have been me pushing for it, so if things went bad and I found out I wasn’t ok with it, the weight of it all would have been on me. Ultimately, I just accepted it as a fantasy and leaned into all the Dom/sub stuff.

Now, with the affair a year behind me, the reality is very different than before the affair: my wife is not only willing to have sex with another guy, she did it (and was planning to continue doing it had I not caught her; and secondly, I know it’s not a dealbreaker for me—I’m still happy being with her.

So the fantasy is just too big for me to ignore—it’s something I just desperately want to experience, so her being open to it down the line is all I can think about. So much so, I don’t care about the terms: what she calls him, how much less we have sex, wearing a cage, cream pies—whatever she wants is fine with me, I just need to experience the fantasy finally.

If that results in her leaving me, I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything. That would be her choice. Ignoring this fantasy the rest of my life would be hell.

And FWIW, I don’t see her leaving me, but I’ve been plenty wrong before.

Man that's sad.. All I can hear right now is BB King's "The Love Is Gone" it's obvious with what you just said that she's pretty much just become your personal pornstar or something at this point.. Saying that you wouldn't care if she left.. ouch. With how jaded I am about people I can definitely get it though.. You get hurt and there's only so much respect you can have for the person, no matter what they try to do.. Getting what you can out of it for you at this point.. definitely something I could see myself doing.. but then I'd just as likely sever all ties with them and never talk to them again too, but that's my Scorpio vindictiveness talking. As for the fantasy being too big to ignore.. Yeah I can get that too.. I'm constantly dreaming about being pegged so it's now at the point where I couldn't possibly imagine dating a woman that wouldn't do it for me.. but then I know NOTHING of "regular" sex for me so it's completely impossible for me to fantasize about having it at this point. I'm also pretty sure that my future gf/wife will likely either be a porn creator or cuckold me as well so.. There's just so little I understand or can physically/mentally do.. I'd pick her just making solo content over hooking up with others if I had my way though... I dunno, I've been watching/reading cuckold stuff since my early teens so I warped my fragile little mind long ago... the worse being when I discovered "hypno" videos. I definitely have my own curiosity about what sloppy seconds would feel like too.. Hell lately I've found myself watching porn of women getting fucked in a way I'll never be able to with my back issues and I'll be sitting here wishing I could be kissing the chick while she was getting pounded. *shrugs

Sorry for once again bringing myself to this.. I know this is about you.. it's just how I try to understand things is comparing it to what I know/what I'd do.. Honestly it's even kind of annoying to me.. but I can't change how my brain works.

[drstrangelove]

Jratt, I should clarify. I certainly don’t want her to leave and I don’t want to leave her. I love her very much. I simply mean that should she decide to leave me for another man, that’s not my doing. I’ve never lived in fear of that and I won’t start now. I fully expect us to grow old together regardless of this fantasy.

[matador5511]

Thank you for the update. Wishing you much luck.

[drstrangelove]

Major Update.

Yesterday I was working from the office and my wife was working from home. As has become usual the last several months, I randomly send her various posts from Reddit’s hotwifetexts sub forum (the same place I posted some of our convos back in January).

We briefly discussed it, but she pivoted, noting: “on this topic….I want you to know F (her affair partner from last year) reached out with a friend request on Facebook about 30 minutes ago and I’ve been debating how to tell you.”

In the moment, I had a rush of emotions—clearly the guys an ass as the last time he and I communicated was April 2022 when he promised he’d never talk to her again. He kept that promise until yesterday.

However, as I’m sure you all can relate, a larger part of me was turned on.

I played it cool though and I just told her I wasn’t bothered at all and that I could understand the value of her talking with him again so she could resolve some interrupted emotional conflict from last year (when I forced them to end communication abruptly). I told her I had no issue with it at all. I also coyly asked why she thought him reaching out to her was the same topic as the text string I shared of a hotwife having anal sex with her bull. She just said: “you know it is.”

She was appreciative of my open and reasonable response, but she felt there was no point in talking to him. I let her lead the text convo and I played the role of supportive husband as she worked through her feelings on it.

Then after dinner we chatted again. The topic came up and she was incredibly and shockingly forthcoming. I felt like it was all surreal. She asked again how I felt about learning he sent a friend request and I told her the primary response was being turned on.

She told me she figured I’d say that. She added that she had been thinking about it all afternoon and recognized I’d likely think this was perfect.

I asked her to clarify, and she said: “Well, if I were to go down this path again, I figured you’d be excited about it.”

I pushed again and said: “What path specifically?”

She replied: “Having sex with him again.”

At that point my brain left my body and I was just trying to process how real this all was. It was very clear to me she was open to this.

But she began raising all the concerns—he sometimes had anger issues and she though he could be mad at her for essentially being the catalyst to cause his divorce. She was also worried about his historic cocaine use and if the divorce made him start using again (we both guessed he might have been on viagra for hotel stays, but she thinks it could have been cocaine instead, meaning he was lying to her).

Bottom line, my wife is an anxious person and she was focused on all the worst case scenarios. I reassured her that her safety was my top priority and she shouldn’t do anything with him until she felt entirely safe with both him and me. I also made it clear that this wasn’t just about me being turned on by it, and flipped it around to ask about the best case scenario and if she’d think it was fun.

I could tell this made her nervous because she was terrified of saying the wrong thing and hurting my feelings, so she replied by saying she always enjoyed the feeling of being able to escape with him—so I didn’t push on that as it was enough for me to hear.

She then opened up her Facebook app and asked me again what she should do. I told her she should accept the request and then we’ll take it one step at a time. So she did it.

Now, to be clear on where we are—she still has his phone number blocked and she is currently not willing to msg him first on Facebook (seems like pride), but the idea is that by accepting his friend request (they weren’t friends on Facebook during affair), it’s now on him to connect with her. So we’ll see what he does.

She admits that due to the familiarity, it’s easy for her to see the relationship progressing quickly as long as I’m ok with it and she feels safe.

Also, we have no idea what his current status is and I imagine he has no idea what hers is. The last I knew, from talking with his wife in January, their divorce was almost finalized. My wife suspects the divorce is final and that’s tied to him reaching out now. We also suspect he has no idea if she’s still married to me.

The last question is what level of honestly to share with him about her current life. Meaning, does she tell him I know she’s talking to him. Her preference is to be fully honest with him, but she also wants to protect our kids and doesn’t want word to spread that we have an open marriage.

I’m not sure what I prefer—from a fantasy perspective, it’s hot for him to think she’s cheating on me again; but at the same time, it also could be hot for him to know I’m ok with it—and that path could even lead to him taking photos or letting me watch one day in the future.

But I’m getting ahead of myself—first step is him sending her a msg. My wife thinks it’s very possible he doesn’t and instead just starts liking her photos and waits for her to make contact. I feel like he will, but maybe that’s just me being optimistic.

And lastly, to end the night, she was nervously talking nonstop about everything else that popped into her head (kids, work, etc.) she finally curled up to me and was ready to sleep. I had jerked off earlier in the day, but I was so horny that I asked for a hand. She told me I had five minutes and I fucked her hand and came all over myself in about two minutes lol.

She woke up this morning on cloud nine—cuddling me, kissing me, etc. Things seem really promising. I can’t believe it still.

[FNQLivin]

I’m happy and at the same time extremely concerned. He’s bad news. If he’s single he will want your wife for himself. I’ve never met him but I don’t like what happened. And I don’t even know you.

[Guhunkadorn]

He wants your wife to be his. But putting that aside you mentioned anger issues and past cocaine use; you two need to keep a close eye on those demons.

A hot update for sure, just tread carefully and know that he does want your wife and right now he doesn't give a damn about your marriage.

[MichaelW]

The affair ended because she got caught, not because it ran its course and fizzled out. The flames may have died down but they still may be some glowing embers under the covering of the ashes. Do NOT throw gasoline on the fire. He risked his marriage (and lost) to fuck her and now he's coming back around? Red Flag. Red Flag. Red Flag.

Trust and forgiveness are two different things. Do not let lust overcome common sense. Back off and look at this objectively.

I've been exactly where you are and after reading your thread had some flashbacks of my own with my wife's affair. If you want her to do others she should have the freedom to do anyone else EXCEPT they one person that she (and he) have already proved beyond a doubt they will lie, connive, conspire, and fuck you over with no regard for you, your marriage, or your feelings.

[SixInchDick]

Here is my honest opinion. I have been really in & out of this conversation, so I won’t pretend to fully understand you guys.

However, I would NOT trust this guy. Anger issues, adultery, and cocaine use? Oh hell no. Look, we all have our flaws, weaknesses etc. However, that’s 3 major ones all in one person. That’s risky and could end badly. Now that he’s presumably single, he’s got no reason to hold back at all.

I’m sorry but that’s just how I feel. If it weren’t for the anger and cocaine, I wouldn’t have said a word. It’s just too many red flags for me.

FYI I'm not judging anyone with the adultery thing. I mean, that's the whole theme of this forum . I'm just thinking of all 3 things bundled together to form a profile of a risky person.

[drstrangelove]

Wow, thank you for all the quick feedback. I feel like you're all in my head because those are many of the thoughts I've had this last year. It's also why I had her block him and close that chapter.

I'm a very analytical personality and I've tried to examine this as best I can with the info I have. So for context, let me give a bit more background as I haven't discussed the facts of the affair in this thread for awhile and there's more clarity on it all since last year.

In the fall of 2021, my wife began to have serious doubts about the future of our marriage. The emotional affair with her AP was gasoline on that fire and by Dec. she felt our marriage would inevitably end.

I've read a lot on evolutionary biology and of all the theory application to female affairs, the clear answer for me is the affair was her way of testing the dating market--she wanted to know how she'd feel seeing and being with another man and test how she'd be viewed. Early on, I also have no doubt that an exit affair was in her mind.

For him, it was simply a matter of fucking a new girl. I think he was terrified of being caught the entire time and would get distant often because he'd want to avoid unnecessary risks. So many examples of it, but the best one is in late-Jan 2022 when he tentatively planned to pick her up at the airport from her business trip and cancelled because something came up--100% he felt the fear and was thinking: "WTF am I doing picking her up from the airport--this is a crazy risk and I could lose my family for it."

To compensate from him feeling satiated and ending the affair, my wife willingly pushed sexual boundaries: midday BJs in his car, sexting, anal sex, handcuffs, etc. (all things his wife wouldn't do). She was still sorting out the experiment and didn't want him to pull the plug before she got what she needed out of it.

By late Feb, they had their second hotel stay and my wife had clarity that there was no future with him. She also had clarity that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (proven through texts and overheard convos with her mom, who she was confiding in). Essentially, she tested the market, explored an exit affair, but discovered she didn't want to break up her family.

Still, in early March she saw him in his car and on March 17 had plans to see him again, but I caught her precisely 36 hours before that planned meet (4 a.m on the early morning of March 16).

That to me is the key to it all--the last 2-3 weeks of the affair was entirely her greed. She no longer cared if he walked--she had what she needed--but she also enjoyed the ability to escape with him and have some carefree moments built-in to her life. She wanted her cake and to eat it too--she was openly discussing with her mom in this timeframe the delusion of spending her life with me and letting the affair go in indefinitely unknown to me. Not because she wanted a monkey branch, but because she wanted the fun and ability to escape whenever she felt she needed it.

On his end, once I found out, he went into full panic. He thought it'd all blow up and his marriage would be over. He felt stupid for blowing his life up for some sex on the side.

I feel very confident in that narrative. I've spent more time dissecting this and studying all aspects of it than anything else in my life.

But while I know all that, I know nothing about him today. My wife is VERY nervous/anxious and she sees the risk and worst-case scenario in everything.

Regarding drugs, he opened up to her about how he was a coke-head in his 20s--she interpreted that to mean: well maybe he was lying and still on coke during affair and/or maybe the divorce put him back on coke. I have no idea. If that's true, no way she's going to reconnect with him.

Regarding his anger, they worked together on then PTA and he'd often flash anger to her about other people. Again, not something that alarmed her then, but once the affair broke, she went worst-case scenario: what if he's now that angry at me and he comes after me? He's a cop, so he has a gun too. All horrible thoughts that I knew were over-blown. But again, the second he shows any anger toward her is the second we pull the plug.

There is nothing more important to me than her safety.

The truth is, we just don't know what is going on in his life right now or what he's thinking. So the first step is a conversation. This morning he rescinded the friend request on Facebook. And it occurs to me it's likely because she still has him blocked everywhere--so he probably texted her and thought she was ghosting him. She agreed and sent him a "hey" text. So now the ball is in his court to determine if he wants to connect or not. AS of writing this, he hasn't responded to the text.

Lastly, while this is certainly exciting, to me it's more important as a toe in the water than an endgame. She is opening to the hotwife lifestyle, but has no desire to start chatting with strangers online. Her AP is comfortable to her. I see it as an opportunity to explore how we feel about this more than anything else. Last night and this morning were really exciting as it all became very real very fast. Do we like those feelings or are we making a mistake? I want to live with this for a few days so I can examine how I really feel. We also have couples therapy tomorrow, so that will be a doozy no doubt.

Bottomline, if things fizzle out with AP because these are real red flags, I still think it was worth exploring. I feel like it'll be easier to transition into a new possibility down the line once we step into the pool now.

[drstrangelove]

Update:

He responded with: "I'm sorry who is this?"

My wife was planning on leaving it a few hours before clarifying, but upon thinking it over, decided not to respond at all. She feels between rescinding the Facebook invite and having deleted her contact,she feels stupid putting in further effort under the chance he's playing games.

So it looks like this was all just a false alarm and I'm back to where I was. Sorry, guys!

[FNQLivin]

Don’t say sorry. I think we all think this is for the best.

[drstrangelove]

Update:

We had a good talk last night and we decided in the interest of closure she would respond to the text clarifying who she was and asking him how he was doing. He responded with significant anger. He hasn’t forgiven my wife for coming clean with his wife about the affair last year and he still places all the blame for his failed marriage on my wife. There wasn’t much to say, so the conversation ended quickly. That’s all over.

Over the last day my wife has been lost in thought trying to resolve the closure—I can tell she’s hurt knowing how angry he still is at her.

We went out for a wonderful dinner tonight and returned to a house with no kids (with grandparents). She was in lingerie and we were all ready to spend the evening having sex. She began to open up about how she felt about the resolution to this chapter in her life and I listened and offered support.

It touched on the sexual aspect of it all—she admitted that while we opened the door, she didn’t know if she could have walked through it with him again anyway. She confirmed again that she’s not ready to be intimate with anyone else—in a tone that felt very permanent.

Hearing her framing put me in a bit of a funk; combined with the wine, I began to rest my eyes and zone out of the moment. She offered a BJ, but I wasn’t really interested. The night ended on very awkward terms with her now asleep upstairs and me downstairs writing. Things feel fairly broken between us.

We have spent a year reconciling and rebounding, but all of it has only confirmed for me that I’m very interested in exploring this kink and I’m unsure I’m with a wife who will reciprocate my strong feelings.

[Guhunkadorn]

Why did he friend request her in the first place?

But anyway my friend, I've followed your journey from the beginning, you two have a lot to sort out.

Focus on your marriage, stay off this and similar sites for a while.

You both need to get your heads in the right place for yours' and your children's sake.

Good luck. ( I think I've told you that before )

[mf2hd82]

My birthday is this weekend and I'm looking forward to the exact same thing with my wife, or possibly me humping her leather pants if she wants to give me an extra special birthday present.

And then we contrasted all that to my birthday—she used her toy in the other room and came hard. Then she came into the bedroom and let me fuck her hand and cum all over my chest and face. It was an absurd amount of cum and she laughed noting how glad she was she didn’t have to swallow it.

We then went to bed and it was a bit weird—we both acknowledged that she had better sex tonight than she would have had with me and that I really enjoyed the HJ and wasn’t upset at not getting more for my bday like most guys would expect. So yea, it’s been a rocky trip, but it seems like progress.

[eater]

yes progress. that's hot. that's great.

[drstrangelove]

Why did he friend request her in the first place?

But anyway my friend, I've followed your journey from the beginning, you two have a lot to sort out.

Focus on your marriage, stay off this and similar sites for a while.

You both need to get your heads in the right place for yours' and your children's sake.

Good luck. ( I think I've told you that before )

I’m not sure why he friended her, though I suspect he didn’t. I’ve since learned Facebook can automatically send invites out based on shared friends. I’m fairly sure that’s what happened—which is why he immediately defriended her after she accepted the request.

As for the rest of your advice, you’re clearly right. We crossed a lot of boundaries—mentally and emotionally—and it’s time to restock and regain our bearings. I won’t be pushing anything kink related for a bit.

[jratt85]

You know, something you could try (if you have a place to hide it that the kids can't get to it) would be to get her one of those silicone busts that's the stupidly muscled guy torso with a big dick.. She could ride that and pretend it's someone else she's cuckolding you with while you are caged and unable to get off. I've seen lots of women online that seem to really enjoy those things. It's an intermediary step that I think you've been rushing past too quickly.. I mean the thing even has nipples she can play with. Just my suggestion once again.

Like others, I think you just get too wrapped up in your own fantasy and pushing for her to do it before she's ready, if she'll ever be. A really realistic human stand in could really help move things along.

[Amayzed]

Hello drstrangelove. Just discovered this thread a few weeks ago & read most everything you've posted. Appreciate the enormous amount of detail and introspection in chronicling everything that has taken place between you and your wife. Looks like you've gotten a great amount of support as well from various people who have followed this thread over a long time span.

I think there is a link between your cuckold kink or obsession and the desire to avoid the damage and fallout that you saw your marriage face when she cheated. I believe it is not just you, but is an adaptive behavior or option males carry in response to females having some natural proclivity to connect with men outside the relationship. As you expressed some pages back you would find anything she does with other men much less threatening if it occurred inside the context of your marriage rather than as something she did behind your back.

I'll stay out of the discussion of whether it's a good thing or not for you and your wife to pursue -- you've shown a lot of ability to examine that for yourself plus be open to advice from others. I'm just interested in how the drive is real and may have arisen out of practical evolutionary forces as described in the link near my signature.

All the best.

[tempus_fugit36]

I am a cuck and the closest I get to my wife in terms of sex, is when I lick and clean her pussy.
She knows that my cock is in desperate need to feel a pussy, hilariously she have been training me to cum as quick as possible so I would never more be able to penetrate any pussy. She become a very dominant wife after she became a hot wife, she trained me with ruin orgasm techniques by torturing me with her long nails, by fingering the tip of my stone hard cock. I drip and cum in minutes…last week I couldn’t believe that she offfered me to eat her pussy….it passed 3 years that I am Pussyfree. Well, it was a test only…I cum before my cock even touched her pussy…. I felt completely useless and humiliated…but this is the way she wants me to be…that was a test she gave me and proved that I can’t penetrate a pussy now.

[jacksonjones]

I've been following this thread since it first started and OP has consistently been selfish and demanding of his. Like, she got to a point where she was sure the marriage was over, had an emotional then physical affair, got caught, reconciled with her partner and put a ton of work into repairing the relationship and now, several tears later we're back where we started, with OP pressing his wife to pursue his fantasy even tho she doesn't really want to and has made that clear multiple times over the years.

OP, you two should split up now as it's clear you're determined to make your wife miserable if she won't fulfill your cuckold fantasies.

[drstrangelove]

I appreciate the feedback—and I respect the position from some that I’ve been a bit selfish. I don’t think that’s wrong—I think my wife and I have both justified selfish behavior along the way. We’re both doing our best to be honest now and trying to ride the wave together.

One interesting thing that has emerged is likely of interest to this board: my wife has been very clear about how much she enjoys her vibrator. She’s admitted to using it without me at times, but notes she enjoys it more when I’m watching her. To the point where she frequently is requesting that she use it before bed while I’m there (she usually gives me a HJ or I give myself one).

Now, I certainly enjoy seeing it and I can find the angle where it ticks some of the same boxes as my Cuckold fetish, but it’s not quite what I’m looking for. However, my wife showed an interest in the cage and I’m the one that ultimately let that die out. So I’m cognizant of that and being supportive of her vibrator.

The result though is we are very rarely having sex anymore. I think we have had sex 1-2x in the last two months. I also recognize that she likes her vibrator so much that she’s willing to continue requesting it on her own—and that’s something she’d have always been embarrassed to do. So she’s being honest and sharing that using her vibrator while I watch or suck on her nipples is her favorite sex act and she keeps asking for that in place of sex.

Again, not quite what I was looking for, but I’m all in to take the ride and let her lead a bit. I don’t want to be selfishly pushing an agenda.

[Guhunkadorn]

Continue to wish you the best, thanks for update.

[drstrangelove]

In the interest of keeping this thread raw and real, I thought I’d also share some insight into how I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve struggled with feelings of repulsion for my wife on and off since her affair—the most common scenario is in the evening before bed and before we may become intimate. I’m sometimes overwhelmed by a feeling of wanting to just disappear—run out of the room or fall asleep before she finishes up in the bathroom. I often will just freeze up stonewall her in those moments until she goes to bed (she can fall asleep incredibly quickly). Then when she’s asleep, I’ll leave and go sleep elsewhere, typically returning before she wakes up so she never knows I’m gone.

It’s probably happened less than 20x in a year+, so it’s not common, but it is a very specific feeling that I have interpreted as wanting to just get away from her.

It happened again on Saturday; we went to bed and there was an expectation of intercourse. The kids were sleeping at my mom’s and she had noted how all the vibrator and oral play had left her craving my cock. So on one hand, it seems unfortunate that this repulsion feeling hit me right then and I shut her down.

But I’ve thought about it a lot, and I suspect it might not be repulsion for her at all. I think it might be an overwhelming feeling of sexual inadequacy. If we are just fooling around with a vibrator, there’s no pressure on me. Her orgasm is on her and all but assured—I can just help out as a supporting player. With sex, it’s on me. And considering our history, I think that’s become a psychological issue for me.

Pre-affair, as you know from my thread, our sex life was odd. My wife made it clear over a decade that sex with me wasn’t her favorite activity.

Then during the affair, she loved sex with her affair partner. She told him how much better he was in bed than me—how she had to fake orgasms with me and not him. She’d also compliment his stamina—after the first hotel stay she was blown away by how he just kept going, even after cuming.

Then following the affair, she told me that her two hotel stays with him were the best sex she ever had. Not to hurt me, but because I pressed and she eventually cracked and agreed to be entirely transparent.

At first I was a bit unconscious about it—we went through hysterical bonding for a few months, having sex 10+ times a week. Then afterward we began exploring various kinks like the cage, etc. But now things are back to normal—and I seem to be still routinely dealing with these mini-anxiety attacks (I’ve had real anxiety attacks before and that’s not this, but I’m not sure how else to describe it).

We don’t discuss the topic much, but her take is usually to lie—tell me I’m great in bed, etc. That seems to make it worse for me. Perhaps I’m looking for her to just tell me she doesn’t care about any of it and loves me enjoys being intimate with me.

On my end, it’s not even that I feel I’m bad in bed. I don’t. I do feel confident that she thinks I’m bad in bed—at least relative to what she is looking for. I think it seems clear we are not a great match sexually and equally clear she had significantly better sexual comparability with her affair partner.

A part of me would just prefer to jerk off than be intimate with her at all—I’m just exhausted from the weight of it all, mentally and emotionally. I don’t mind the toy/mutual masterbation stuff I guess because there’s no pressure there.

It’s also interesting to note that the idea of me being too anxious to have sex with my wife is a concept that would have greatly turned me on before the affair—I suppose it falls into the fantasy of being a beta male who can’t satisfy his wife as well as another man. But it’s hard to lean into that fantasy because it’s not something my wife is willing to discuss authentically—to her, that would be cruel to be so transparent.

I suppose I’m writing all this to see if any of you guys have ever felt similar feelings and how you’ve managed it. The side effect of this is it only pushes me further away from my wife, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to deal with it.