Cuckold's Diary Chapter 27 - "Why Do We Do This?"

[Paul_Pines]

“Why Do We Do This?”
A Cuckold’s Diary
Chapter 27 – October 2008

AS I jerked off outside the closed bedroom door, I heard the sounds of passion and pleasure coming from my wife and her lover. He came, she came, he came again. I was excited as hell, but I did not know why, because I felt ignored, stupid and really, really hurt.

I kept masturbating, not allowing myself to cum because I know I cannot handle the cuckolding unless I’m incredibly horny. But during the quiet times, when no sounds other than the rustling of sheets and an occasional kiss came from the bedroom, I asked myself the ultimate cuckold question:

Why am I doing this?

Why did I bring my wife here and help her get ready for another man? Why did I buy them lunch so they can take a break later, before going back to bed together? Why am I sitting outside the bedroom door while my wife is fucking HIM? And why – why, for God’s sake – am I excited instead of furious?

Each time he groaned or she gasped, I put those thoughts aside. But after each time they came, after each episode which smacked me in the face with the reality of my wife’s infidelity, the questions came back.

Then I got my answer.

The bedroom door opened and Sally walked out, stark naked. She walked by me on the way to the bathroom, her breasts proudly exposed, her nipples hard, her pussy lips so swollen that I could see them as she walked. She made no attempt to cover herself, or to make apologies; clearly she was unashamed about what she had just done. Instead, she smiled her beautiful smile and said, “Twice – he came in me twice so far.” Then she closed the bathroom door behind her. When she came out she had the same smile, and asked me if I was okay. “I’m okay. This really hurts,” I said, as I stroked myself as hard as I could.

“I know it does. But I’m having a great time. See you later,” she replied, the smile never leaving her lips. Then she turned away and closed the bedroom door behind her.

Her smile was the key. As I stared once again at the door which separated me from the man and woman in bed together, I finally realized the missing piece of the cuckold puzzle: My wife really does have a great time with Ted, and knowing it hurts me does not take away from her pleasure.

The fact is, this was NOT an easy place to reach. Not easy for me, and even harder for Sally. Years ago I had asked her to experiment with S&M – me always being on the receiving end of the pain, of course. To put it mildly, she HATED it. She loves me, and there was nothing in her that could accept giving me pain, even when I asked her to. She struggled to go along with it, but it was clear that her heart was not in it.

I remember my favorite S&M game. Sally would sit up on the floor, leaning back against a soft pillow. We tied a string loosely around her neck, like a necklace, and attached the other end to my balls as I stood facing her. She used her vibrator, and as I watched her get excited I knew what would happen when she came: her orgasm would make her jerk backward, crushing the soft pillow and pulling so hard on my balls that I thought they would come off. What I loved most about it was that my pain was directly tied to her pleasure: the better she felt, the more I would hurt. But, as I said, those experiments were short-lived, as she just could not handle giving me pain.

Then the cuckolding began.

Nearly 10 years ago I wrote “The Cuckold’s and Cuckolder’s Guide,” in which I said that cuckolding is “psychological S&M.” I didn’t think much about it at the time, other than to realize over the years that some of the most exciting moments were the most painful ones. But back then I thought that the pain was incidental to cuckolding – part of it, but not the focus of it. Now I think I was wrong.

Let’s look at two definitions:

Cuckold (noun) – A man with an unfaithful wife.
Masochist (noun) – A person with a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation, especially by a love object.

Pardon me for getting into semantics here, but a cuckold is NOT the same as a man with a “hot wife.” Even if only she dates, even if he sits at home and wonders what’s happening, it seems to me that being a cuckold requires INFIDELITY (the “unfaithful” part of the definition) on the part of the wife. Now “infidelity” doesn’t mean she has to leave her husband – in our case, at least, that’s the last thing on either of our minds. But being “unfaithful” implies something being lost by the husband; his wife taking a precious part of herself away from him and giving it to someone else instead. I have come to believe that it is the pain of that loss which defines – and excites – a cuckold. Why? Because he is a masochist. At least I know I am. And that explains everything.

I always told Sally, “Just because it’s exciting doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. And just because it hurts doesn’t mean it is not exciting.” Now I realize that is way too complicated. The simpler version is, “I’m so excited that you are hurting me.”

I’ve been excited by her hurting me before, but as I said, the problem was that SHE wasn’t excited by it; she hated inflicting pain on me. But thinking back to her smile – last week, and every time she’s been with Ted – I realize we have finally found a way for both of us to feel sexually fulfilled: she has a great lover, and she is comfortable, happy and excited about doing something that hurts me more than anything she’s ever done.

I’m sure some men can just get off on the thought of their wives having a great time screwing other men. That’s all good, and I hope they enjoy it. But given how many cuckolds have written to me asking, “Why do we do this?” and how many forum discussion threads have addressed the same question, I think something has been missing from our answers. Maybe this is it.

How does my wife hurt me? In order to understand, please remember that I’m a regular, otherwise-normal man. I love my wife, she loves me, and we have created a great life together. We have three fantastic kids, we enjoy our work, we try to help out in the community and we have family and friends that love us. We’ve even gone through becoming “empty nesters” and found out that we really like being together without the kids. So if you will put aside the fact that being a cuckold excites me, you may get a feeling of what life is like with a wife who loves me, but only has sex with her lover.

To provide a little background: if you’ve read the previous chapters of my Diary, you know that Sally stopped having sex with me on November 20, 2006… just about two years ago. She has enjoyed these two years so much that she says she NEVER wants to have sex with me again. So the most hurtful thing of all is that everything she does for Ted, everything she shares with Ted, she withholds from me. Happily. Contentedly. Painfully.

I made a list of what hurts, to share with her. Here is the list.

My love,

I had always thought you hated sex, but you don’t. You LOVE sex. You just hate sex with me.

You get wet when you think about Ted inside you.

You wear flannel nightgowns and cotton panties for me; silk negligees and no panties for him.

When you accidentally forgot your flannel nightgown when we went away, you were upset that you had to wear something sexy with me.

The only time you are comfortable spreading your legs for me is when you’re sitting with Ted, because you know I can’t touch you then.

When you are with him your pussy is swollen and open. When you are with me it is closed.

You want him inside you.

You are MY wife, but Ted knows every inch of your body.

You are MY wife, but you know every inch of Ted’s body.

He knows so much about your body that I have not learned in all our years together.

You know so much about his body that you no longer want to know about mine.

You have your hair done for him, and your nails, and your toenails. You do those things at other times, too, but you never do them FOR ME.

You tweeze your breasts for him, to make sure there are no stray hairs to get in the way when he sucks your nipples. You never do that for me, but you make me check to be sure you did a good job for him. You make me help you get ready for sex with him.

You know I make the bed for you and him.

I drive you to your dates, get everything ready, then stand aside while he takes you.

You and Ted and I know that you only want him inside you.

You take off your clothes for him.

You use your body to turn him on. At home, even when you undress in front of me, you never try to turn me on. In fact, you always maintain the boundaries that prevent sex between us when we are together.

You love giving him your breasts and nipples. The breasts and nipples that nurtured our children.

When Ted feels you up in front of me you smile at him and kiss him.

He always tells me how anxious you are to feel his cock. You and I both know you have never felt that way about mine.

You ask him to feel how wet you are. You tell him that I never, ever make you wet.

You tell me in detail why you hated sex with me. You tell Ted, too.

I will never feel you (or anyone else) stroke my cock.

I will never feel you (or anyone else) suck my cock.

I will never again feel the sensation of my cock inside a woman’s body. Never, for the rest of my life.

I hear your vibrator through the bedroom door. I listen as you cum in his arms.

He tells me how much he loves feeling you cum and helping you cum. He describes the intimate things your body does as you cum. He knows all your body’s secrets, because you are SO happy to share them with him.

I hear you gasp when Ted slides his cock into you.

I hear Ted cry out with pleasure when he is inside you.

I sit outside the bedroom door and listen to Ted grunt, “I’m cumming!” I am all alone while I hear him groan as he ejaculates in you.

You use every inch of your body to give Ted pleasure. Ultimate pleasure. Pleasure you hated giving me. Pleasure you never want to give me again.

You know I am sitting outside the door while you have sex with him. You are happy I am there. You don’t want me further away, but you don’t want me closer, either.

When you come out of the bedroom you are always happy to tell me how many times you each came.

You know that my conversations with Ted are the most humiliating experiences in my life. Whether it’s “chatting” with the two of you before you go to bed together, or listening to him afterward as he tells me how wonderful it was to have sex with you, it hurts like hell to face your lover. He and I both know that you want him. We both know that you don’t want me. We both know that when it comes to sex with my wife, he won and I lost. Again and again. Forever.

You know that when you and Ted are done, I will kiss you, help you dress and drive you home. You know that Ted’s sperm will swim inside you for days once we are home.

You are so happy that you won’t ever have to have my sperm in you again.

You know I will never have sex again, and you like that.

You know I will never feel a woman’s touch – a woman’s sexual touch – again, and you like that.

You know it has been two years since I have been inside you, and you like that.

You told me that our private “I love you” signal now means, “I love you and I’m thinking about Ted inside me.”

Day and night I look at you - at work, or at home, or with our friends, or when we go out to dinner together – and I am haunted by the image of you naked, on your back with your legs spread, and Ted inside you. I think about your gasps and his groans as you fuck each other. I think about what he has found and what I have lost.

You call me a cuckold.

You cuckold me.

You don’t like hurting me, but you have a wonderful time – an “adventure” – in bed with Ted. And that really, really hurts.

Knowing you are happy with our relationship is the only thing that could make it hurt more.

You are so happy, aren’t you?

***

I see this as the last chapter in my Diary. Of course, no one knows what the future may hold, but I have always tried to avoid the basic who-put-what-where descriptions of sex. Ted and Sally have been seeing each other for more than 10 years now, and their next date is set for November 18th – just before the two-year anniversary of the last time Sally let me inside her. How long this “affair” will continue is beyond anyone’s knowledge, but we are all happy with things as they are.

Readers may choose whether to believe that all this is true or not. The fact is, it IS true. All of it. Every word, every emotion, all the excitement… and all the pain. I wrote about it because writing helps me understand what’s going on in the world, and in the 27 chapters of my Cuckold’s Diary I think I have learned a lot. This chapter fills in the final piece of the puzzle, at least for me. Now I know “Why I do this.”

As I finish this story, I am looking at the beautiful, formal picture of Sally which sits on my desk. No one would EVER suspect that she is a cuckoldress. Sally, thank you for agreeing to “try the opera once” in March, 1998. Ted, thank you for being a gentleman every step of the way, and for being a superb lover for my wife. Our relationship hurts me every day, and I am very content. I think all three of us are.

Cuckold Paul
Newatthis22a@yahoo.com

[Paul_Pines]

Okay, two hundred people have read this, and not one ONE person commented?

Was it that far out that everyone hated what I wrote? Or was it so awesomely exciting that you're all still jerking off?

Sobbing softly...

CP

[sirenseeker]

Okay, two hundred people have read this, and not one ONE person commented?

Was it that far out that everyone hated what I wrote? Or was it so awesomely exciting that you're all still jerking off?

Sobbing softly...

CP

Keep writing, Paul. I appreciate the intensity of emotions that you express. Fabulous!

[brady8107]

Oops my bad, though in my defence I have just re read the whole post, but please carry on its a fabulous tale

cheers

B

[leader7688]

P_P, one of the factors that inhibit responses to great posts like yours is that the readers tend to have sticky fingers and cannot type properly. I too know the heartbreak of unrequitted sharing of life experiences that never get the feedback they deserve. Keep writing so the rest of us can continue with auto-manipulation.

[Stargeezer]

CP,

Sometimes it takes time to think of what to say that doesn't come across shallow, especially when the author is on the top ten list! Many thanks for the many chapters, it has given keen insight to your situation. I am glad you three have enjoyed the decade !

Cheers,

Stargeezer

[Paul_Pines]

Well, if it's really because you're all jerking off, who am I to argue?

But for everyone who posts (or lurks), please do keep in mind that we don't write for the huge royalties we get from this stuff. Why not take a moment in your post-self-coital bliss to drop a note to the author?

Even Sally's lover thanks me for making his pleasure possible

Thanks for your comments.

Cuckold Paul

[herhusband12]

I haven't been her for a while, so I haven't seen your latest post until now.

I, too, am a masochist and my wife knows it. She is too nice to agree to hurt me either physically or psycologically. Maybe thats the source of my pain, her unwillingness to validate my feelings. Maybe that's what we all seek is validation.

Your writing has been wonderful and you conveyed your feelings so well and made me feel (at least to some extent) what you feel.

[OneDayAtATime]

Thoughts you'll disagree with. I do know i love having a lady who regards me as the center of her life.



Why are you with her and why does she stay? Appearence,money,friendship, your submissiveness. I'm just suprised she's still with you. I don't see her respecting you very much anymore,even though you've been together for a long time.Is she still in love with you? You brought this on yourself and i understand this is gleeefully what you want even now. I know she does from what you state.


I can't understand why a man would go willingly without penetration to his wife,regardless of his niche.I can explain that further in a moment. The marriage would appear to me to be only a friendship communion.Even though you're excited about this relationship and it benefits both of you to contentment,i would think your intimacy would be lacking.Furthermore,the desire for sex and lust can't be fulfilled by imagination and whacking off only.How you can't have outside relations,whether she cares or not,is beyond me as its evident your body is of no use to her and as human beings,completeness physical,mental and emotional, has to be accomplished.I think missing out on touching a woman's body thoroughly is something you take for granted. You probally grotesque her unfortunately.

Let me expand on the above,especially on physical feelings. I'm a paraplegic;t-10; who has no feeling in my dick.Fucking,a blow job,jacking off does me no good sexually since i can't feel anything physical down below. Everything is mental! I didn't choose to be a eunuch of sorts but you did.So for someone to be,so to speak, castrated freely when you don't have to be is mind-blowing. It works for you,many happily embrace it and have lived with a marriage built strong through this. You know what,i long everyday to feel what its like to experience the warmness of a vagina. A mouth can only do so much. If you feel freedom through this,more power to you.

[Paul_Pines]

Dear OneDay,

You are certainly coming at this from a different perspective than I, and I'm sure "one day at a time" is an important thing for you to focus on. To be honest, it would be good if more people accepted that as a standard for their lives, because none of us has any guarantee about tomorrow.

I would suggest, however, that you have an image of marriage which is much narrower than it is in real life. I've seen people who are happy together - not just as friends, but as life partners - when one has had prostate surgery and cannot get an erection, or when they have grown to an age where sex is no longer possible (yeah, I know it's possible at every age, but I work with the elderly, and many say it's not for them), and people who are on chemotherapy, and yes, with people who have been injured and have lost feeling in different parts of their bodies. These people have bonds which are incredibly close, and they have marriages which would be the envy of most anyone.

What I've learned in my (advancing) years is that it's damn hard to keep a marriage alive, and even harder to keep it interesting, over decades. Those who do - however they do it - should be honored... or at least, not judged.

I'm not worried about the criticism; I'm a big boy and I wouldn't post if I could not stand to have anyone disagree. I just want you to know that there's love and intimacy and excitement out there, even without one person sticking his penis into the other.

Good luck to you... one day at a time.

Sincerely,

CP

[TruelyLoveHer]

" I am a Man, and you are a boy, and I am going to remind you of it every day"

John Wayne

Sums it up for my feelings

[Sallys Ted]

Let no one doubt the strength and power of the love between Cuck Paul and Sally. For ten years I have known Sally and Paul, her intimately, and him casually and I have seen the depth of their love for each other and the continuing strength of their marriage.
I have from time to time thanked Paul for beinging her to me; and Sally and I have, more than once, discussed her happiness in her marriage all the while enjoying great sex together.
If you haven't been there, I guess you can't get the full picture of how these things happen.
I am Sally's lover, we are friends, sometime colleagues and intimates. Sex is the foundation of our relationship but not all of its structure. Sally and Paul have a man-woman relationship with all parts in place except the sex. The family, careers, children and emotional support elements between them I have witnessed grow ever stronger.
Can it happen? Yes, I have seen these two loving people elated with their relationship, at peace with themselves. And all this happens with me, an outsider, as Sally's sex partner. And it is glorious sex that gratifies us both, and in his way, it gratifies Paul.
This situation is not to be criticized, only accepted; and admired by those with understanding.

[Paul_Pines]

Thank you, Ted. I really appreciate what you wrote.

I don't often share forum conversations with Sally - you know, the Good Girl in her just doesn't read such base things . But I'm going to show her this thread, ending with your note. I'm sure she will appreciate it, too.

You know I have tried to thank you in person and in my Diary as well. I hope it's sufficient. As I said in this chapter, I'm probably repeating myself by now, but I can't help it.

I've just finished Chapter 28, which you've already seen. We'll see who else finds it interesting...

Sally's looking forward to your date next Tuesday.

Sincerely,

Sally's Paul

[Cuck4Life]

Paul thanks for your writtings. Very few things are written about cuckolding that goes deep into the emotions a cuck feels. I also believe your writtings are suitable for many women that would be turned off by many of the stories found on the net. My wife has been turned off by many posts where the women have been refered to as "slut, cock whore, and other similiar terms. We are hoping to develope a relationship with another man that is similiar to the one you have with Sally and Ted.

[Paul_Pines]

Dear C4L,

As I wrote in The Cuckold's and Cuckolder's Guide, it is my personal opinion that a cuckold would never refer to his wife by any derogatory term. Sally is a classy woman who is, by her lover's account, a passionate lover. She is not a slut, whore, or anything of the sort.

Finding a man who understands that and appreciates the gift she is giving him is not easy, but hey - you only need one.

Good luck to both of you!

Sincerely,

Cuckold Paul

[luxxluthor]

still trying to get my head around your situation. Once I do, I'll probably have some questions...