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by Samantha » Sat May 24, 2014 8:23 pm
Thank you all for the very warm welcome and encouraging posts. I’m glad seeing the other side of the story gave many of you additional insights into the depth of our relationship. You’ll all be happy (and definitely excited) to learn that SM and I have made significant progress since this post hit on 5/16/14. In fact, we’ve even brought Bill back into our lives since then as we’ve re-evaluated the situation and we are actively working on finding the right recipe to satisfy all parties.
As I mentioned before, my style is not the play by play, “John Madden style” description of our tale, but rather a look in the rear view mirror after substantial consideration and thought. So forgive me if I’m slow to post and don’t respond to every post. I’ll answer many of the posts below:
Many of you have noted our personality similarities and one even envisioned “The Clash of the Titans”. While we are both very dominate, I’ll be very clear that I let SM man the ship on most decisions. He’s actually significantly more dominant than me, although that may not be evident in his posts.
SM and I have a a few other things in common too. Because of the requirements of our daily business life, we both like being pursued. Sometimes it’s like 2 cats waiting for the other to do something. He wants me to take control and pursue him and I want him to take control and pursue me. One thing Bill brought to the table in spades is his unrelenting pursuit of me.
“If I am so devoted and in love with my husband, why would I lie?” was a great question I got from the group. This has been the biggest issue between us as it would of any couple and especially a couple in our situation where SM is extending a great deal of trust to me and as he would put it, “trusting his entire life to me”. So here’s the answer.... I lied because I wanted something that I thought was inconsequential however, also something that I thought would bother SM. I knew he was very sensitive to the level of connection I had with Bill as well as the initial constant communication. Because of this and because of the fact that I felt like I had a great deal of control over the situation and my feelings, I consciously decided to not tell SM the truth. To me, the things that I lied about were inconsequential yet potentially hurtful. I came to the conclusion that because the lies were inconsequential that it would hurt less if I lied. Obviously that was a conclusion that I came to because I didn’t think he’d find out. So after he did find out, even though I’d consider the lies “white lies”, it threw a grenade into the trust in our relationship. Many of you have said that I’m only sad/sorry because I got caught. In truth, that may be true. The justification of the insignificance of those lies is fruitless. I get that now.
Moving forward, the next question is “why haven’t you agreed to be truthful going forward?”. That’s an even more difficult question to answer and any answer I give will position me as a terrible person. But the truth is, I’m just being honest with myself and SM. I think there is a distinct possibility that I may feel the need to lie about something that I think might be inconsequential and yet hurtful. That’s a personal barrier that I’ll have to work through. It may be rooted in some our initial extra-curricular activities.
The other issue is that I’m not a big talker and SM wants to constantly explore every single thing - from the sex to wanting to know everything that we talked about and what it means. Basically I’d have to have a 1 for 1 download, meaning that for every hour that I was out HWing, we’d have to talk about it for an hour. That’s a real drain on me emotionally and has made this lifestyle too much of a headache for me. It’s not worth it if I have to have every little thing done or said analyzed to the Nth degree.
Additionally, If I detect fear in his questions and know that it will generate hours of conversation, I’ll naturally start to shut down and want to omit details or just not talk any more at all. I know this answer may not be acceptable to many. But please allow us the time to work through this, together.
I’m not good at helping SM with his insecurities at all. That is something he needs that I am reticent to provide. I want him to make a decision as to whether or not he wants this, put on his big boy pants and then send me out to get fucked with absolutely no reservations about my long-term loyalty. That is always going to be a sticking point with us. We’ll both have to compromise here.
As an example when I got back from my trip with Bill and walked up to SM during one of his presentations, I whispered in his ear that I had a very naughty surprise for him (- I had made him an extra 1 hour long video that was scorchingly hot). He didn’t react to that. He just wanted me to hug and love on him. I was ready to be reclaimed and he was not not into it at all. I found that confusing, upsetting, and quite frankly annoying and he found my attitude upsetting as well. I’m thinking “what’s your problem?” and he’s thinking “do you still love me/want to be with me/want him more”. I was thinking “are you kidding me? I just gave you the fantasy you’ve always wanted and you are not satisfied? WTF?” Maybe because of my personality type, it’s hard for me to show affection that is non-sexual. I don’t like to be cuddled - I don’t need it but SM does (after I come home from a date).
He wants to be close to me 24 hours a day, which is honestly a little exhausting to me. When he says he missed me because he didn’t see me all day, I’m thinking I only went to the grocery store, why would you miss me? That’s always been a source of conflict. When you turn up the heat by adding the HW lifestyle and when you go at it in the way we’ve gone at, sometimes the pot boils over the 2 cooks are at odds because each is adding ingredients that don’t satisfy the tastes of the other.
Sometimes it’s a downward and self-perpetuating spiral. We both hate it and struggle with it. In my mind again I’m thinking that “I just went out and did exactly what you’ve asked me to do, you should be happy and not insecure” which angers and frustrates me and pushes us further apart when we should be at our closest. I think in a way this recurring issue has contributed to my desire to lie. To calm him down in his time of emotional need. I’m not afraid to admit that the last sentence could be another rationalization but so many intangible things add up to produce non-optimal results in the other party.
I think SM’s commitment to never say no was something I took as a bright green light; that maybe SM had come to terms with his own concerns and fears. His resolve to do that combined with my intense connection to Bill triggered significant fear on his side. I wanted it to trigger a hot reclaim. While most times it did, when it didn’t and when we were on different pages it made life difficult. Sometimes the things he wanted actually pushed me away and the ways I reacted actually made him less secure.
I don’t do a good job of managing SM’s internal conflicts. To me, he needs to get the confidence and then push forward, and not push forward, waiver, stop, push forward, stop, etc. That’s more than a little annoying to me. I was hoping he’d find his confidence on this board and with our past experience but that hasn’t necessarily been the case. In fact, in some cases, it may have brought up more self doubts (as he reads some of the sadder stories here). So as we’ve gone back to the drawing board, I’ve told SM on countless occasions that I don’t want to pursue this unless he is entirely sure and free of his internal conflicts. That being said, I think I need to put myself in his shoes more often and realize that that is not reasonable to expect. As a result, I need to cool my responses and work harder on recognizing when he wants an intense reclaiming or just a hug. Again, not in my personality type, but I can certainly put more effort into it.
As we get further down this path, I need to be less afraid to commit to honestly. But I certainly don’t want to commit to something doubting my ability to achieve it. I think if I commit now, knowing that I/we are still in a delicate phase that if I succumb to my rationalizations of inconsequential white lies that I’ll never get a chance to regain that trust, hence my refusal to acquiesce to that point at this point.
Regarding the timeline issues and SM not sharing our past history (at least initially), that bothered me significantly and I felt like much of the advice was geared toward someone who started on Monday and was an active HW by Tuesday. Again, as SM has pointed out, his initial post was on someone else’s post and then it got separated so as not to take over the initial person’s post. He hadn’t meant to chronicle our entire history when he first started posting. Then it just took on a life of it’s own. I told SM that the advice might be more applicable if the community had a deeper insight into our history. I think that did change some of the advice, but in many ways, SM was already heading down the path of some of the pre-Alan advice - some good and some not as applicable. For me it was important to detail some of the Alan experiences again to further round out our history and our attitudes and conditioned responses to new adventures.
Thank you all for your patience as some of this has trickled out in a non-chronological manner. Before SM found this site, he didn’t know what to call me/our relationship, so after he found this site and after I had my encounter with Bill, SM did say I was a hotwife (officially) - his first time to use that term in describing me although that’s the relationship type we had for years before SM knew there was a term. Hopefully we can all move forward and forgive even his tiny transgressions/omissions.
Again, we sincerely appreciate your thoughtfulness, encouragement and sage advice as we renew our journey. As I mentioned earlier, we’ve restarted our relationship with Bill. In fact Bill, SM, and I had a sit down meeting together last Monday. I was nervous, literally sweating, but as it turns out it wasn’t as big of a deal as I had initially thought/worried. While I was uncomfortable at first, afterward I felt a great relief. Because of that open and frank discussion with Bill, I was sweating for an entirely different reason within the hour. I’ll catch you guys up more on our adventures with Bill over the next few days. But I promise you’ll find them entirely intoxicating. Until then....
~ Samantha
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