Samantha Getting Started

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54321
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by 54321 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:17 am

It's like when a pilot is in a plane that stalls and begins falling to the ground. The instinct is to aim the plane up, but the correct move is to aim the plane down and pick up speed.
Exactly! Both of you have found it difficult to handle what is counter intuitive. Lying and controlling can both seem like a good idea at the time. ;)

Indeed, the whole hotwifing deal is counter intuitive with somewhere between 10,000 to 25,000 years of social conditioning to fight against,
so the outcome is unsurprising.

Big kudos to you both for taking the counselling route! :up: :up:

Every good wish,

54321

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by rhinocat » Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:57 am

Yes S-man lies are never a good thing!! My wife left out conversations she had been having with her boss to me...I come to find out that he was manipulating her mind in thinking I couldn't really love her if I am allowing her to have sex with him. She understands now that that was a bad decision on her part and with all that we have come out stronger. You both will too!

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Wed Jul 02, 2014 5:17 am

54321 wrote:
It's like when a pilot is in a plane that stalls and begins falling to the ground. The instinct is to aim the plane up, but the correct move is to aim the plane down and pick up speed.
Exactly! Both of you have found it difficult to handle what is counter intuitive. Lying and controlling can both seem like a good idea at the time. ;)

Indeed, the whole hotwifing deal is counter intuitive with somewhere between 10,000 to 25,000 years of social conditioning to fight against,
so the outcome is unsurprising.

Big kudos to you both for taking the counselling route! :up: :up:

Every good wish,

54321
Yes, we recognize that I tried to control the situation and she lied to control me. It's a downward spiral because when I discovered the lie, I needed more control and she felt a greater need to lie.

There is no excuse for these behaviors, however, these are fairly common ways for people to react.

To break the cycle, we stopped the HWing - so there was nothing left to control or lie about.

Almost instantly, things between us feel fine again... Although we both continue to miss different aspects of the relationship with Bill.
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Samantha Getting Started...

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Wed Jul 02, 2014 5:27 am

rhinocat wrote:Yes S-man lies are never a good thing!! My wife left out conversations she had been having with her boss to me...I come to find out that he was manipulating her mind in thinking I couldn't really love her if I am allowing her to have sex with him. She understands now that that was a bad decision on her part and with all that we have come out stronger. You both will too!
Yes, I wonder how common this is indeed. When my wife lied to me, I felt some shock and awe, and many others did as well. But it does make me wonder how common it is for HWs (especially those that play solo) to lie??

If a HW is going solo and the husband is a little jealous or controlling, how often might they just rationalize that it's easier to omit conversations or even potentially cheat on occasion? Obviously these are not acceptable behaviors, but I wonder if they are common?
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bubbajack

Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by bubbajack » Wed Jul 02, 2014 11:00 am

"Obviously these are not acceptable behaviors, but I wonder if they are common?"

Since the whole point of lying by omission is to avoid the potential non-acceptance by the person being lied to of the circumstance being lied about, I would say it is very common and usually successful in the short run. :P

And "lying" - or, as W. Churchill called some species of it, "terminological inexactitude" - isn't always morally reprehensible. Some facts and circumstances which could definitely antagonize or confuse someone else needlessly are sometimes better left unshared or at least de-emphasized in the recounting. Insisting that only truth be spoken at all times is as sure a recipe for disaster as having no regard for it at all. :roll:

In accordance with the saying attributed to A. Lincoln about no one having a good enough memory to be a successful liar, the big problems tend to arise over the longer run ... :cool:

I agree that lying is generally wrong - but sometimes it is just standard tactics. :|

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Hotwife Pendant

Unread post by Samanthasman » Thu Jul 03, 2014 3:20 am

My wife hates anklets but agreed to wear one this weekend in Vegas!!! Should be fun...
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Samantha Getting Started...

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Re: Hotwife Pendant

Unread post by allengt » Thu Jul 03, 2014 5:30 am

Samanthasman wrote:My wife hates anklets but agreed to wear one this weekend in Vegas!!! Should be fun...
This has nothing to do with the thread you posted it in.
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by SSQ » Thu Jul 03, 2014 8:20 am

Samanthasman wrote:
rhinocat wrote:Yes S-man lies are never a good thing!! My wife left out conversations she had been having with her boss to me...I come to find out that he was manipulating her mind in thinking I couldn't really love her if I am allowing her to have sex with him. She understands now that that was a bad decision on her part and with all that we have come out stronger. You both will too!
Yes, I wonder how common this is indeed. When my wife lied to me, I felt some shock and awe, and many others did as well. But it does make me wonder how common it is for HWs (especially those that play solo) to lie??

If a HW is going solo and the husband is a little jealous or controlling, how often might they just rationalize that it's easier to omit conversations or even potentially cheat on occasion? Obviously these are not acceptable behaviors, but I wonder if they are common?
I would think in that case it's better to deal with the real issue- why is the husband jealous or controlling? Is it something that should keep them out of the lifestyle altogether? Lying is never going to fix the problem and will only make it worse when it implodes.

Frankly, I am a very, very good liar. I am a damn good poker player. Have I lied to my husband? No, because there was no need to. We have gone through times where he tells me he doesn't want to know anything about what I'm doing or who I'm fucking, and I respect that. I will also answer questions if he does ask.

But generally, this is my life, and I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of myself or what I do, so I don't feel the need to hide anything from him. I'd rather keep up the awesome communication we started off with, and sort out problems when they arise rather than sticking my head in the sand.

Do I keep some things to myself? Absolutely. But I'm having real relationships on the side, and I believe there should be some expectation of privacy in my secondary relationships as well as in my primary. For example, I think most people here would agree that their intimate moments or conversations with their wives should be private. I feel the same way, and also keep those moments or personal discussions private between me and my partner. It's not something my husband needs to or in fact should know, because it would break trust with my other partner. But if he wants to know what we did in bed or whatever, no worries.
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by addicted2latina » Thu Jul 03, 2014 1:08 pm

So I've somehow never seen this post till now. I love the story but it says I'm not allowed to look at your picture link. Do I need a password or something?

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:47 am

SSQ wrote:
Samanthasman wrote:
rhinocat wrote:Yes S-man lies are never a good thing!! My wife left out conversations she had been having with her boss to me...I come to find out that he was manipulating her mind in thinking I couldn't really love her if I am allowing her to have sex with him. She understands now that that was a bad decision on her part and with all that we have come out stronger. You both will too!
Yes, I wonder how common this is indeed. When my wife lied to me, I felt some shock and awe, and many others did as well. But it does make me wonder how common it is for HWs (especially those that play solo) to lie??

If a HW is going solo and the husband is a little jealous or controlling, how often might they just rationalize that it's easier to omit conversations or even potentially cheat on occasion? Obviously these are not acceptable behaviors, but I wonder if they are common?
I would think in that case it's better to deal with the real issue- why is the husband jealous or controlling? Is it something that should keep them out of the lifestyle altogether? Lying is never going to fix the problem and will only make it worse when it implodes.

Frankly, I am a very, very good liar. I am a damn good poker player. Have I lied to my husband? No, because there was no need to. We have gone through times where he tells me he doesn't want to know anything about what I'm doing or who I'm fucking, and I respect that. I will also answer questions if he does ask.

But generally, this is my life, and I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of myself or what I do, so I don't feel the need to hide anything from him. I'd rather keep up the awesome communication we started off with, and sort out problems when they arise rather than sticking my head in the sand.

Do I keep some things to myself? Absolutely. But I'm having real relationships on the side, and I believe there should be some expectation of privacy in my secondary relationships as well as in my primary. For example, I think most people here would agree that their intimate moments or conversations with their wives should be private. I feel the same way, and also keep those moments or personal discussions private between me and my partner. It's not something my husband needs to or in fact should know, because it would break trust with my other partner. But if he wants to know what we did in bed or whatever, no worries.
Yes, dealing with jealousy is an issue I am coping with. We are talking to a kink aware therapist with 30 years of personal poly experience. Frankly I don't understand how I am not supposed to be jealous if my wife loves another man. I just don't get the concept. If she loves him and me, I guess that's fine, but what if he asks her to leave me to be wit him? Does that not create a problem? Is that not a possibility!??

Maybe the therapist can help me understand better... Maybe it's not something we will explore more??

I also noted that you said: "...I have not lied to my husband because I never needed to..." Is that really what you meant?? Like sometimes a lie is needed or justified?
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Samantha Getting Started...

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by dali_23 » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:51 am

addicted2latina wrote:So I've somehow never seen this post till now. I love the story but it says I'm not allowed to look at your picture link. Do I need a password or something?
I was wondering about the message I get when I click on the photo link too.... :???: :???:
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:34 pm

"...I think you're smart to go to therapy and try to repair your marriage. Maybe, ultimately, HWing isn't for you as a couple. That's okay. You do not sound like a controlling or overly jealous husband to me. Your reactions have all been completely understandable. Don't let the HW cheerleaders bring you down..."

You know the funny thing is that we both feel like our marriage is just fine. The HWing was an experiment that we conducted in an alternate reality world.. And indeed some things about the experiment have been awesome (best and hottest sex ever) while other things have been terrible (lying, etc.). But, back in the marriage it's like nothing happened. Nobody is saying "but you lied to me...", or "you ruined my relationship with a boyfriend...". It's just "love you baby, what do you wanna do for dinner tonite?"

We see the therapist as "well, it can't harm and if it helps improve our communication - great!!"

One hope we have is that he can help us structure making HWing work for both of us. We both got a lot out of it, but obviously ran into problems. The therapist we are talking to has 30 years of personal poly lifestyle experience and ought to bring a lot to the party... His approach seems to be to have each person articulate their wants and shape that for what's reasonable while making the other person understand... He says it's not really about compromise. In a compromise everyone is only half happy. He says the plan is to find something we ca both be 100% happy about and do that. Maybe BS... Maybe brilliant... We'll see...
Last edited by Samanthasman on Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Salsonero

Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Salsonero » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:44 pm

Samanthasman wrote:. It's just "love you baby, what do you wanna do for dinner tonite?"
And that is love ... so romantic! You guys rock!

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by SSQ » Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:36 pm

Samanthasman wrote:
SSQ wrote:
Samanthasman wrote:
rhinocat wrote:Yes S-man lies are never a good thing!! My wife left out conversations she had been having with her boss to me...I come to find out that he was manipulating her mind in thinking I couldn't really love her if I am allowing her to have sex with him. She understands now that that was a bad decision on her part and with all that we have come out stronger. You both will too!
Yes, I wonder how common this is indeed. When my wife lied to me, I felt some shock and awe, and many others did as well. But it does make me wonder how common it is for HWs (especially those that play solo) to lie??

If a HW is going solo and the husband is a little jealous or controlling, how often might they just rationalize that it's easier to omit conversations or even potentially cheat on occasion? Obviously these are not acceptable behaviors, but I wonder if they are common?
I would think in that case it's better to deal with the real issue- why is the husband jealous or controlling? Is it something that should keep them out of the lifestyle altogether? Lying is never going to fix the problem and will only make it worse when it implodes.

Frankly, I am a very, very good liar. I am a damn good poker player. Have I lied to my husband? No, because there was no need to. We have gone through times where he tells me he doesn't want to know anything about what I'm doing or who I'm fucking, and I respect that. I will also answer questions if he does ask.

But generally, this is my life, and I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of myself or what I do, so I don't feel the need to hide anything from him. I'd rather keep up the awesome communication we started off with, and sort out problems when they arise rather than sticking my head in the sand.

Do I keep some things to myself? Absolutely. But I'm having real relationships on the side, and I believe there should be some expectation of privacy in my secondary relationships as well as in my primary. For example, I think most people here would agree that their intimate moments or conversations with their wives should be private. I feel the same way, and also keep those moments or personal discussions private between me and my partner. It's not something my husband needs to or in fact should know, because it would break trust with my other partner. But if he wants to know what we did in bed or whatever, no worries.
Yes, dealing with jealousy is an issue I am coping with. We are talking to a kink aware therapist with 30 years of personal poly experience. Frankly I don't understand how I am not supposed to be jealous if my wife loves another man. I just don't get the concept. If she loves him and me, I guess that's fine, but what if he asks her to leave me to be wit him? Does that not create a problem? Is that not a possibility!??

Maybe the therapist can help me understand better... Maybe it's not something we will explore more??

I also noted that you said: "...I have not lied to my husband because I never needed to..." Is that really what you meant?? Like sometimes a lie is needed or justified?
Love is not a zero sum concept. Me loving other partners takes nothing away from my love for my husband. And if one of my partners asked me to leave my husband, that would be my responsibility to deal with; it again, has nothing to do with my husband. It's not like anyone can steal me away without my consent! Everyone I am in a relationship knows the score- I am not looking for a primary, but I'm available for secondary relationships. It's not even on the radar and if someone asked me to, I'd make it clear, yet again, that it ain't happening.

No, apparently my wording choice was poor. I don't feel that lies (unless they're for something like a surprise party or whatnot) are ever justified in a marital relationship- all they do is erode trust and drive a wedge. I think it's way better to actually deal with the problem that makes someone think that it's better to lie. I mean, we can't always get what we want; that's a fact of life. But we can be happy together as much as possible, and be partners through life.

Honestly, I cannot imagine having the issues you guys have written about, and not have there be underlying stuff going on in your marriage, but that's just my two cents. I don't think people in a positively functioning marriage treat each other the way you and Sam have done. But, after all- there's more than one way to have a marriage, and my way is not necessarily any better than yours, it's just different. All I'm saying is, if my husband treated me the way either of you treated the other, it would be a real problem.
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Thu Jul 10, 2014 3:34 am

Update:

Samantha has a date with a new guy....

After killing the relationship with Bill, Samantha now also ended the relationship with Sid. I think she was sad over Bill and not "in the mood" for extra-marital sex, plus I think she liked Sid but only kept him around for "balance" and in the end did not feel like he pursued her enough or stimulated her enough intellectually. It was fun but just not satisfying enough. Plus she's still getting over Bill.

Alan is also lurking about and some hot messages and pictures have gone back and forth, but not engagement yet.

Neither us us are in any big hurry to restart HWing, but I do miss it and I think she misses aspects of it as well, but is less likely to admit that.

Regardless, she has been interacting with another guy on AM for some time now (from before she broke up with Bill) and that relationship has been simmering online to a level that is now getting pretty hot. He is, gulp, 13 years younger than her!!! And, apparently likes hot milf's. We'll call him Mack.

Tonite she is meeting him for a date... She has exchanged several emails that got so hot as for her to describe to him how she likes to get fucked and what he needs to do to get her to "beg you to fuck me now"... Still, she says she does not yet plan to sleep with him and is still just teasing him to see where this goes... Hummm...
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Samantha Getting Started...

bob11
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by bob11 » Thu Jul 10, 2014 4:05 am

It is so great you two are doing so well and Sam is dating again.

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by mundyman » Thu Jul 10, 2014 5:31 am

How much of what you heard/learned from the therapists are you trying to incorporate now as she begins this adventure with Mack?
Good luck!!

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:37 am

mundyman wrote:How much of what you heard/learned from the therapists are you trying to incorporate now as she begins this adventure with Mack?
Good luck!!
Hopefully a lot. The therapist is making us understand how the Bill relationship caused us to get into a downward spiral. She pushed me outside of my comfort, I got jealous and pulled her back, which caused her to pull away more, which caused me to pull her harder, etc. We both knew this, but could not stop it.

This time around we have a therapist that can help to intervene if that starts to happen again.

We both also feel like we hit a statistically unusual situation right out of the starting blocks. She hit the jackpot on the very first guy. Meaning she found someone that was a great lover and a ten in personality and chemistry. Someone that would make a great boyfriend and not just a fuck buddy. This caused her to go all-in like a bat out of hell, with me trying to catch up. If this had been the 5th guy then we might have developed better skills for dealing with such a situation by then - who knows. We did not have much perspective going in.

The Bill relationship did give us a vision of what is possible - intense passion and enormous sexual satisfaction for everyone combined with a strong friendship. The therapist says that his goal is to enable us to be able to both get what we want. Ideally, we both believe that means for her to have a lover ~3x/week (possibly others on occasion). She wants a boyfriend experience and I want to be included - always make it an "us" activity. Of course the devil is in the details...
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Samantha Getting Started...

bubbajack

Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by bubbajack » Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:35 am

Mack may well be unable to perform tonight anyway, having already cum repeatedly in his knickers receiving the torrid emails from Sam :o which you describe. :P :lol:

Oh well - maybe other mutual interests will emerge in the course of the date ... :twisted: :cool:

Best to you both - sounds to me as if the therapist has a pretty good idea about how you two headstrong executive spouses have to "manage" your relationship.

By the way, I did notice the "3X/week" parameter :roll: and wonder if Drucker's axiom that "only what gets measured gets managed" has influenced you new approach? :)

Hope you get back to some sexy adventuring soon - I love it! :mrgreen:

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:46 am

bubbajack wrote:
...By the way, I did notice the "3X/week" parameter :roll: and wonder if Drucker's axiom that "only what gets measured gets managed" has influenced you new approach? :)

Bubba - I've got to believe that you are in Mensa or something - are you?? You always come across as the smartest guy in the room.

Regarding your other comment - Yes, I actually had tried to interest Samantha in seeing a therapist before we even got started, as a pro-active approach. She kicked back saying "that's a waste of time and money - we have a perfect life and marriage!" and I then agreed. In retrospect, I think it would have been a very good idea, and probably something to think about for the newbies that have the resources to pay for it. It could well smooth the bumps in the road that most people seem to hit as they get started...

Yes - Mack emailed Sam back saying he's having trouble concentrating at work prior to their date tonite. I suggested she send him one of her pictures (naked on her back) but she said "No... I've done enough to set this stage..." ;)
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Samanthasman » Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:33 pm

Samantha is on a date with Mack as I type this...

I sure wonder, big time, how it is going!!??? It's been 2 hours so I assume it's not a bad date ;)
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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by BallSpanking » Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:26 pm

I hope she kicks off a whole new round of hotwifing... in a new style... ;)
Schwiiiiing ... Thud! (Projectile erection becomes vicious uppercut KO!)

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by viking53 » Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:53 am

Glad to hear you have found the middle ground. Hopefully, with the continued support of your therapist, you can continue to develop this in a positive way for you both. Looking forward to hearing how everything goes. Samantha is a really hot lady and I think she will always be the one setting the pace.

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by rhinocat » Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:55 am

Very exciting indeed!! Glad to hear that you guys are moving forward with BOTH your needs in mind. Looking forward to the update! :)

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Re: Samantha Getting Started

Unread post by Iamtheman » Fri Jul 11, 2014 2:30 pm

What happened on the date?

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