A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

In the current (pandemic / post-pandemic) world where much of our lives have/had shifted online, I ponder the question. Is there such a thing as a virtual cuckold? If there is, then I feel like that is what I currently am.

As a background, my wife and I have lived a mostly female lead relationship for pretty much all of our married life. Around 5-7 years ago we had some initial discussions around cuckolding. Well it was mostly me giving hints about it, telling her of erotic dreams I had had of her with other men etc. There was a lot of flirting around the idea going back and forth. It probably culminated with one night I remember clearly around the times of these discussions, where she went out to a hens night and she left her wedding and engagement rings at home. She actually took it off a bit seductively and handed it to me with a sly smile before she left, like there was an acknowledgement of what this means. Was she going out on the prowl that night? I don't think anything ever came of it that night, maybe some flirting was probably the most given she was with her friends. A subsequent attempt by me to take her out to a night-club where we would pretend to be strangers was shot down as "too risky and playing with fire" or some such comments.

After that there was some jokes/comments made at various times such as when I was going to stay home from work one day she said "I won't be able to see my boyfriend today". There were various times when she would go online and play a game or something, which interacted with other people. I always encouraged her to talk with the others (hinting that maybe she should flirt a little with them) but she never went for it, or at least that's what she told me.

Our most recent discussion on this topic was probably about 3-4 years ago when she told me that she just wants a simple life with just the two of us. I respected her opinion and wishes, and being unsure myself if it was something I really wanted or just a hot fantasy, I dropped all discussions and never brought it up again, and neither did she. In fact I tried and was successful at getting to the point where I no longer wanted it, I had come around to her position of things being better with just the two of us.

After the pandemic hit in 2020 and I was working from home for a long period of time, she started going online and playing a game and chatting with other players, she didn't ask me this time but did check in, in her own way to ensure that I was OK with it. Having long forgotten about cuckolding I allowed it and thought it was good for her to have other people to talk to and she's just playing a game to pass the time. After a couple of months she began staying up later and later in bed next to me to play while I slept and eventually she suggested she move to the other room so as not to disturb my sleep. In hindsight this was my chance to stop her, but for whatever reason I didn't. She later made a show of setting up her computer on the other lounge away from me and making it clear, in her own way without words, that I wasn't allowed anywhere near it or her while she was on her computer. I should have said that wasn't acceptable, but again I didn't. I guess since I had many other problems on my mind at the time, and the cuckolding/cheating thing was the furthest thing from my mind and I trusted her completely I allowed it, thinking that she doesn't need to share everything in her life with me. Maybe some space is good for us during such a long period of lockdown in the house together. Maybe I was subconsciously excited by her chatting with others, but I don't really know why I allowed it to continue.

It wasn't until the lockdown lifted end of 2020 that I realised there was a problem. She didn't want to leave the house and go places with me anymore, preferring to be online on her computer. This has been our life pretty much ever since. Immediately after eating dinner next to me on the couch she immediately goes back to her one with the computer.

I speculate that there is at least a lot of sex chat involved as on a couple of occasions when she's come to bed late I did a check and found her soaking wet. Note this action wasn't well received but at least I had my answer. I also speculate that she is chatting with 1 particular person due to the regular times of the day when she seems to be most engaged with her computer, seeing her face light up and smile while she is typing away furiously. It also seems this person is likely to be overseas due to apparent timezone differences so no danger of them meeting in real life.

Looking back in hindsight, it seems that she did check in with me at various stages along the way for permission to do what she's doing. However this was done in her own way without telling me her motivations for each step. She's never said anything more than she's just chatting with friends she's made there. However, it seems she's purposely made it obvious there is more going on than that.

There's a bit of a don't ask don't tell kind of thing going on, and she's used her role of being in charge to basically show that I don't have a say in what she does (albeit after she had kind of checked in with me each step of the way but not in a forthcoming manner as to what was actually going on). If there is such a thing as a virtual cuckold then I very much feel like one, she treats me very much like a cuckold. If I didn't know better I could almost swear she's testing and probing me and she's gotten some very strong reactions out of me at times.

I would be interested to hear thoughts and opinions of others, as I continue to navigate the wide array of different strong emotions and confusion I'm feeling over this situation.

[LawyerWouldbeCuckold]

Hmm....I'm not even in this lifestyle, but I think a reasoned reading of the facts you have stated above indicates that she is in some sort of online relationship. When you say "her face lights up and smile"....well, I have a friend who does the same work I do (in another city) and when we communicate in person over Zoom, I"ve noticed her light up as well. (She had a lot of personal challenges in 2021, and I was there for her as a friend. We have never met in person.

A woman lights up like that for a reason. It sounds like she does have a special friend, but it also sounds like she prefers to keep it virtual. When you wrote "when she told me that she just wants a simple life with just the two of us"....that was a pretty clear statement as to what she wanted, and as most cuckolds (even wanna-be cuckolds like myself) know, this is primarily something that us men want; and if our wives/gf's go along with it, we are pleased as punch.

It's possible that her deciding to make you a virtual cuckold is a way of her having her cake and eating as well. She gets the attention and affection of another man- which most women appreciate- but at base, she still keeps it simple (In the real world) with just the two of you. Some people (and she might be one) are very, very good at compartmentalizing, and it sounds like this is what your wife is doing.

I'd be interested in the viewpoints of others.

[newaussiecuck]

Yes, you are correct. I have been able to ascertain that she is in a committed relationship with someone. However, I believe this is text chat only, no phone or video calls and the person is overseas.

I'm not so sure of her ability to compartmentalise, I feel more like I've been totally replaced as she is spending around 16 hours a day online most days. Very little time for me, and when we talk it's all surface based around current events and things needed to be done around the house. There's very little to no deeper talk on feelings and relationship kind of stuff.

I do think she still cares etc, but it also feels like she has exerted a deliberate effort to break the very close bond that we once had.

I've recently picked up that she wants me to be more submissive and obey her, so I've gotten back into that mindset and she does seem to be responding and growing in her dominance over me. The only problem is this is making me feel MUCH closer to her and a bit needy I guess and I feel starved of the love and attention that she seems to be giving you the other person online.

I guess I feel more like I'm her slave at the moment than her husband. However it is an improvement over how things had been the last year or so.

Having said all that, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm being trained to suit some unknown purpose she has for me, and I do wonder if she's trying to train me to better accept being her cuckold at some point in the future.

[seductionrules]

Sounds like you need to talk to her
16 hours a day online doesn’t sound healthy for her
Maybe she’s addicted to secondlife or online gaming

[newaussiecuck]

Sounds like you need to talk to her
16 hours a day online doesn’t sound healthy for her
Maybe she’s addicted to secondlife or online gaming

Very much agreed, unfortunately she's not one for wanting to talk. I do mention about getting out more and doing things (we do have some time planned tomorrow), but I can never get any momentum happening. It feels like as soon as I start making progress in getting closer together she puts the breaks on, all while pretending everything is fine with us.

I tried talking about everything about a week ago, but just as I was getting started and I apologised for maybe not treating her the way she needs, she shut down the conversation and basically just said that I need to do more around the house (I already do waaaaaaaay more than she does).

No matter what I do, she seems determined to continue her online activities and keep the space between us.

[nekkedoutdoors]

You need to change the wifi password and not let her have access until she you and her sit down and clear up the issues with your relationship.

[LawyerWouldbeCuckold]

I think the advice you have received from nekkedoutdoors, newaussiecuck, and seductionrules is excellent. There has got to be frank and honest communication between the two of you. Yes, you are her submissive, but this relationship has to work for both of you. When you write something like "The only problem is this is making me feel MUCH closer to her and a bit needy I guess and I feel starved of the love and attention that she seems to be giving you the other person online".....that shows me, and I think it would show any reasonable person that this situation needs to be resolved. A person should never feel (over a long term) starved of love and attention from their spouse.

[Chrislydi]

Exactly, there's a difference between being reasonable and talking to you, as married couples should always be prepared to do, whatever their relationship and dynamic, and being ignored, which is in effect what she's doing. There should be no mistaken belief that that's something you should accept, it has to be talked through as it's clearly bothering you. If she's refusing to engage, then it possibly says more about her than anything else, something is seriously wrong and needs addressing or it will get far worse.

Chris.

[newaussiecuck]

Thanks all for the great advice, it is very much appreciated.

I did try and talk with her again yesterday morning, after getting pretty upset again. She keeps coming to bed late and then putting on her headphones which makes it impossible to talk. When trying to talk about my problems she kept avoiding wanting to talk about it, obviously wanting to steer clear of conversations around her computer use. I did manage to talk about a couple of things that were bothering me though, and we did formally acknowledge our Domme/sub relationship again. Until this she had indicated/demanded it and I took notice and acted in the submissive role. However it was good to reconfirm our commitment to these roles. It has helped and removed the guesswork as to whether I was on the right track or not.

There is still a LOT that needs to be discussed and I'll continue to chip away at it and discuss little things here and there where I can, and hopefully build some momentum towards regular conversations. Hopefully if we can get into a habit of talking again it will make things go a lot smoother. My feeling is she is shutting down the conversation due to my long-standing pressure I've subtly been applying to try and get her to end her online relationship. It's clear she's made up her mind that she has the authority to continue regardless of my feelings on the matter. If that is the case, then we both have a responsibility to communicate and make it work as best as we can around her online activities. As long as she can make me feel loved, cherished and wanted rather than unloved, neglected and replaced as I had been feeling, then I think I would be fine with her continuing her online activities.

It appears that she is making clear the terms under which we can continue to have a relationship, and she seems determined to have me submit to her full authority if we are to re-establish our relationship. She hasn't said those words of course, with her actions and responses to my actions I do feel that is what is happening here. Her having the freedom to do as she wishes with other people (at least online for now) seems to be a key part of this. I don't mean to suggest that she will leave me if I don't "get with the program", but I don't think any meaningful relationship would be possible without submitting to her full authority. Things would continue as they had for the last 1.5 years, us still together and amicable and friendly but essentially leading separate lives. That isn't what I want, so will continue to try things her way and see where it leads us. I don't have anything to lose really.

As I've begun to submit more, she's taking further control over things and seems to even be wanting to control the level of intimacy that we have. She's even begun to deny hugs and kisses from me when I initiate, and instead seems to want to give them to me on her terms. As an example, after I came home from a shopping trip I went in for a hug and kiss and instead she stepped back and placed a snack she was eating into my mouth with a bit of a smile and walked away. A few hours later she motioned for me to come to her and then she pulled me to her chest a hug and kissed me kind of leaning over me, so that I was in a submissive position.

I've just been informed that she has discovered some kind of head/hair treatment (like a pampering type thing made up of some household food type items, yes girly stuff) that is supposed to be good for the scalp. Well she just mentioned that she is going to be using this on me. Truth be told, I am actually kind of excited about this, as it is demonstrating her care and affection for me in her own way. It feels like a bit of a reward for the way I indicated my desire to re-establish my submissive position in our relationship, and a way for her to demonstrate exerting her control over me. I think it will be a nice experience for the both of us, and a way to increase our newly forming bond. I think it is a good sign.

[OZCPL]

The first thing to consider is do you want this or do you not want it and you have already stated that you do not want it.

If you do nothing now, nothing will change except you will lose her. To consistently ignore you is the very worst thing she can do, so that you virtually do not have a relationship any longer. You sound to me as though you have no decisive thoughts on what to do so I think you need to get marriage counselling as soon as possible and need to do it with a person who is life style sympathetic. You virtually do not have a relationship now so if she refuses to go to counselling, will not talk, but maybe wants to leave, then you have lost nothing.

In the relationship you had, I have read that it is the lead persons responsibility to nurture and care for the welfare of the Cuck. She does nothing of that. Maybe someone in a heavy cuck situation could give you some detailed advice.

[FNQLivin]

I meant to write what the poster above wrote but they said it better

[Chrislydi]

The first thing to consider is do you want this or do you not want it and you have already stated that you do not want it.

If you do nothing now, nothing will change except you will lose her. To consistently ignore you is the very worst thing she can do, so that you virtually do not have a relationship any longer. You sound to me as though you have no decisive thoughts on what to do so I think you need to get marriage counselling as soon as possible and need to do it with a person who is life style sympathetic. You virtually do not have a relationship now so if she refuses to go to counselling, will not talk, but maybe wants to leave, then you have lost nothing.

In the relationship you had, I have read that it is the lead persons responsibility to nurture and care for the welfare of the Cuck. She does nothing of that. Maybe someone in a heavy cuck situation could give you some detailed advice.

This is absolutely the right course of action, there's a danger of coping by sexualising and interpreting ignoring you into a kinder framework or dynamic, accommodating poor behaviour if you like.

I'll heavily qualify it by saying only be aware of the danger of changing yourself to cope by purposely interpreting mistreatment as only part of a dynamic you actually want, instead of calling it for what it really is.

drstrangelove's thread linked below were his wife mistreated, cheated (ok not virtually but in effect elements of it are the same) sent texts and all secretly is worth a read as so many lessons might apply. He tried to change himself and his own attitudes to interpret it in a kinder way, sexualising it as part of a dynamic. It wasn't of course, it was plain lying and cheating, duplicity of the worst kind, with his wife only putting on a front to him. He's trying to salvage his marriage now after he found out the brutal truth and it all came crashing down.

Obviously we only see a tiny window into the whole situation, only what's posted on here from your point of view, no body language and a million other things, so its commenting the matter on only maybe 5% of the total picture. Just be aware not to fall into a similar trap as poor drstranhelove.

His thread on this forum

viewtopic.php?t=51591

[jratt85]

People play with each other online all the time.. It's nothing new really.. I even was cuckolded by a couple different women I had never met that "didn't want a relationship right now" only to end up hooking up with someone else or even getting in relationships, one even getting a gf and then letting her gf's golden have her... Yeah I'm less wanted than a pup.. yay me. -,- I blame those experiences and reading my dad's Penthouse Letters in my teens for feeling like it's more realistic that I'd be cuckolded than be in a regular relationship.

So yeah, I definitely believe online cuckolding is a thing, both ways. I also think she probably had fun in the past and just didn't want you to know about it. As for her hiding from you now and never wanting to do anything with you... That's not a healthy relationship. You need to be able to talk to each other about everything and spend time doing things together.. If she's too wrapped up in a fantasy world online with whoever is on the other end of the computer.. well it doesn't spell good things for you. It may seem like she's safe and you are just playing a game and fulfilling a role but she could very well be grooming you to not only leave her alone and let her do what she wants, but also possibly even to take a role as the subservient male when her "alpha" lover suddenly shows up and you are in your place while she gets what she wants and you end up basically being kicked out of your own marriage bed for this new man. Just because he's from a different part of the world doesn't mean he can't just show up while you're off doing some errand only for you to come home and find out that your safe world has been shattered.

[newaussiecuck]

Thank you all for your excellent comments and advice. I'll definitely check out the drstrangelove thread.

I don't mean to say that everything is perfect or the way I want them, not at all. It's still rubbish but it's more liveable than it has been for the last 1.5 years and I do have hope finally of establishing a real relationship again. I guess we're just taking the first baby steps with a long way to go.

I believe what happened is that I had slowly grown to be someone different to what she married. She once told me that she never thought she would ever be married or in a relationship with a man, never knowing that someone like me had existed. However, I'd morphed into a more traditional alpha type and I think she became repelled by me. When the pandemic hit I guess I went into fight or flight mode and assumed the protector role and then with the stress and mental strain of the 2nd long lock down I think I became not so good to be around. The angry stressed Alpha type repelled her.

I think she would have left a long time ago but probably felt stuck financially etc with me. I'm thinking the online thing may have became a compromise for her, how she could stay with me but get her needs met from someone else. Someone she could talk with who would listen to her. I wasn't listening and was abnoxiously dominating the conversations and cutting her off and speaking over her. It's not a Domme/sub thing, it's what all women would hate, and it wasn't who I had always been.

My hope and strategy is to get back to the kind of person that she fell in love with and married. Improving myself mentally, physically and doing all the tasks she's asked me to do for a long time which I had neglected. It is my hope that if I'm someone she likes to be around then she might spend less time on her computer and more with me. Maybe eventually she'll decide she doesn't need the other person anymore, who knows maybe she'll still keep it up but anything is possible.

I guess I've always been submissive and I spent a long number of years kind of training her to take the dominant role (she's naturally dominant anyway but didn't know anything about Domme/sub). So yes it is what I always wanted, but had temporarily gotten away from it for a few years.

I used to want to at least explore the cuckold thing when I was in submissive mindset, and now that I'm thinking submissive again I am starting to feel like wanting it again, but also extremely scared of losing her so I probably won't pursue it. It would have to be something she drives if she does want that.

For now, my focus is on pleasing her, being the best I can be and hoping things will change enough so that we're spending more time together. If I remove all or most of the reasons why she wouldn't want to be with me it will give more leverage to insist on counselling if it's required.

[calicolombia69]

1. My hotwife has also taken to a few virtual affairs. It starts with on-line gaming. They make bets about taking clothes off, etc. Now its full porn! She also pretends she is sexless so I have to be out of room or at a far distance when they are doing the mutual masturbation video chats.

2. I also used to be a Beta male, sissy, cuck. Thanks to my age (54), I care less if she gets fucked or not by others or virtuall. So I can assert myself without the concern that she will stop cucking me. If it were her, suspecting me of online shit, she wont beat around the bush. She will yank my headphones off my head and yank my laptop from me; even if it lands on the floor. She will then demand I show her all her contacts and open me up to her chat room or whatever. So, you have to go nuclear, I think. Without forbidding or setting conditions, simply go on the offensive and fire off your missiles. Once you have a clear pic of what she is up to, you can set conditions or make demands.

[FNQLivin]

Thank you all for your excellent comments and advice. I'll definitely check out the drstrangelove thread.

I don't mean to say that everything is perfect or the way I want them, not at all. It's still rubbish but it's more liveable than it has been for the last 1.5 years and I do have hope finally of establishing a real relationship again. I guess we're just taking the first baby steps with a long way to go.

I believe what happened is that I had slowly grown to be someone different to what she married. She once told me that she never thought she would ever be married or in a relationship with a man, never knowing that someone like me had existed. However, I'd morphed into a more traditional alpha type and I think she became repelled by me. When the pandemic hit I guess I went into fight or flight mode and assumed the protector role and then with the stress and mental strain of the 2nd long lock down I think I became not so good to be around. The angry stressed Alpha type repelled her.

I think she would have left a long time ago but probably felt stuck financially etc with me. I'm thinking the online thing may have became a compromise for her, how she could stay with me but get her needs met from someone else. Someone she could talk with who would listen to her. I wasn't listening and was abnoxiously dominating the conversations and cutting her off and speaking over her. It's not a Domme/sub thing, it's what all women would hate, and it wasn't who I had always been.

My hope and strategy is to get back to the kind of person that she fell in love with and married. Improving myself mentally, physically and doing all the tasks she's asked me to do for a long time which I had neglected. It is my hope that if I'm someone she likes to be around then she might spend less time on her computer and more with me. Maybe eventually she'll decide she doesn't need the other person anymore, who knows maybe she'll still keep it up but anything is possible.

I guess I've always been submissive and I spent a long number of years kind of training her to take the dominant role (she's naturally dominant anyway but didn't know anything about Domme/sub). So yes it is what I always wanted, but had temporarily gotten away from it for a few years.

I used to want to at least explore the cuckold thing when I was in submissive mindset, and now that I'm thinking submissive again I am starting to feel like wanting it again, but also extremely scared of losing her so I probably won't pursue it. It would have to be something she drives if she does want that.

For now, my focus is on pleasing her, being the best I can be and hoping things will change enough so that we're spending more time together. If I remove all or most of the reasons why she wouldn't want to be with me it will give more leverage to insist on counselling if it's required.

There is so much information in here that wasn't present before that adds context to your relationship.

In a nutshell:

• Since COVID your personality changed to something that you describe as not pleasant.

• She has taken refuge and comfort in either an online community or relationship.

• You had previously evolved to some form of FLR, though that seems to have ceased when you reverted to your negative character

• You now recognise the issue was with you and wish it to go back to how it was before

If she's mentally moved on, that's a hard gap to close. If she's been mentally retreating but is happy to come back if you show who you want to be to her, then perhaps it's not so bad.

Either way, not talking won't be the answer, because otherwise she may not even recognise that you recognise that you need to change.

[newaussiecuck]

There is so much information in here that wasn't present before that adds context to your relationship.

In a nutshell:

• Since COVID your personality changed to something that you describe as not pleasant.

• She has taken refuge and comfort in either an online community or relationship.

• You had previously evolved to some form of FLR, though that seems to have ceased when you reverted to your negative character

• You now recognise the issue was with you and wish it to go back to how it was before

If she's mentally moved on, that's a hard gap to close. If she's been mentally retreating but is happy to come back if you show who you want to be to her, then perhaps it's not so bad.

Either way, not talking won't be the answer, because otherwise she may not even recognise that you recognise that you need to change.

Yes, I think you have that about right as far as what I can see. There are a few other factors that also come into play that I can think of.

Boredom. She doesn't work and has a LOT of time on her hands to fill during the day when I used to be at work. It's possible she was doing this kind of stuff (or maybe real life who knows) before COVID hit and I just found out because of the extra time at home. I don't think so though, but it's possible. However, with the boredom and time to fill this will still be there once I return to work (currently unemployed last few months, mostly working from home before that). If she had it in balance and only went online while I was busy working that wouldn't be so bad. It's the all day and all night and all weekends which is the problem. Her online activities is a game she plays and the relationship started out of that. It's hard to tell how much of the problem is the relationship or if she's addicted to the game itself, or both. I do know she still plays the game during times the other person isn't online. This tells me there's more to it than just the online relationship.

Got to go now, will write more soon.

[newaussiecuck]

There is one further piece of the puzzle that I just realised this morning. Around the time all this started happening mid 2020, she made some comments and changes that looking back I maybe misunderstood.

Since I was now working from home, she had me take over all of the cooking, until then she did it all. When I asked why etc (remember I wasn't feeling submissive at the time for probably a year or so), she said that it will be good for me to learn "if she's not around anymore or if something happens to her". I took this to mean that she was thinking of leaving me, and maybe that IS what she actually meant. However, thinking back now it might have been her way of taking my submission to a new level, but poorly phrased and executed. Her refusal to go out doing the weekly chores like shopping etc that I've been complaining about doing alone all this time could also be for the same reason. She's delegated these menial tasks to me so that she can do more fun things, like her online relationship. I mistook this for her just not wanting to spend time with me anymore but it might have been just her changing our relationship and lifestyle to one which she prefers.

Maybe all this time, in her mind she's been in control and changing our lifestyle and relationship into how she wants things to be, while at the same time I misunderstood her intentions, resisted the changes she was making and just generally acted like a dick towards her. Her excessive online activities only further fueled my bad behaviour towards her.

The reason I say this is the other day when we had the talk, I asked her if she missed being my Queen (the way I referred to her when I was being submissive towards her, as in when she would ask me to do something I would say "yes my Queen"), she said "I've always been your Queen". In other words she's seen herself that way all along, as being my dominant. Seeing things in that light does change my perception of what's happening and what's been happening.

If she's seen herself as "My Queen" all this time while engaging in her online activities then maybe it does point more towards this being a type of virtual cuckolding type thing than a situation of wanting to leave me. Maybe she's been training me all along to come to accept my role and allow her to interact with others any way she sees fit.

One thing is for sure, she's certainly enjoying my more compliant and obedient attitude. She's seems to always be looking for new things to get me to do around the house and has begun making more changes and rearranging things to her liking. She's making decisions on things that in the past I would have baulked at or argued against or refused to do, but I can see her checking my reaction and expecting my compliance. One example is I now have a new project to knock out a row of bricks to remove the front garden beds and put in a new fence along the front of the house. I would have always argued against doing this kind of thing (mostly out of laziness but also resistance to change). It just feels like she's finding new ways to test me, and she seems to be enjoying herself with it. Truth be told, I'm kind of enjoying it too.

[Chrislydi]

There is so much information in here that wasn't present before that adds context to your relationship.

In a nutshell:

• Since COVID your personality changed to something that you describe as not pleasant.

• She has taken refuge and comfort in either an online community or relationship.

• You had previously evolved to some form of FLR, though that seems to have ceased when you reverted to your negative character

• You now recognise the issue was with you and wish it to go back to how it was before

If she's mentally moved on, that's a hard gap to close. If she's been mentally retreating but is happy to come back if you show who you want to be to her, then perhaps it's not so bad.

Either way, not talking won't be the answer, because otherwise she may not even recognise that you recognise that you need to change.

Yes, I think you have that about right as far as what I can see. There are a few other factors that also come into play that I can think of.

Boredom. She doesn't work and has a LOT of time on her hands to fill during the day when I used to be at work. It's possible she was doing this kind of stuff (or maybe real life who knows) before COVID hit and I just found out because of the extra time at home. I don't think so though, but it's possible. However, with the boredom and time to fill this will still be there once I return to work (currently unemployed last few months, mostly working from home before that). If she had it in balance and only went online while I was busy working that wouldn't be so bad. It's the all day and all night and all weekends which is the problem. Her online activities is a game she plays and the relationship started out of that. It's hard to tell how much of the problem is the relationship or if she's addicted to the game itself, or both. I do know she still plays the game during times the other person isn't online. This tells me there's more to it than just the online relationship.

Got to go now, will write more soon.

You've given far more context now and there are valid reasons why you may have arrived at this situation almost by default after Covid struck. The main ones, you were at home all day to notice, and the undesirable consequential behavioural changes, but as you said yourself it may only have been a pre-existing pattern that became more apparent and obvious, it may well not have been initiated as a result of any of these stay at home consequences. Again how much was the situation maybe exacerbated rather than caused by the reasons given in FNQLivin post?

Even a solid cuckold relationship has to be initiated from a very solid and stable emotional base beforehand, the bond and understanding have to be there, or the reassurance she'll always come back to you, or probsbly will, just won't be firm enough to take the changes. The foundation has to be sound to build anything. If there's no sound foundation, it just all collapses. I'm not so sure you've ever had that solid talk and agreement, the one about lifestyle changes recently or ever for that matter, it can evolve but only if you're talking about it.

I recognise you hope to make changes to accommodate what you think maybe her new attitude, and you think maybe will please her. You're now interpreting past events like the cooking and shopping into this whole picture you think might have been taking place. The fact is there is zero clarification it's all you hope or you think. You're interpreting without guidance or initial solid instruction, and it seems only your interpretation rather than anything definite. In conclusion, it sounds as if the approach is your interpretation and nothing else. You may be right, and if so you're on the right path, but it's a maybe not a certainty, and it sounds far from that.

All relationships including vanilla, are built around communication and that's about everything, the everyday things and mundane stuff too. if a couple aren't talking at all then they're not relating to one another, and the inevitable breakdown isn't too far off whatever their lifestyle.

You need to talk, that much is obvious, but you can't survive and take steps in the hope that one day in the future she'll notice you, and she will then actually deign to talk to you, that's doing everything about face, the talk comes first not on a promise of maybe some time in the near or distant future. Really steps need to be taken now not later.

[newaussiecuck]

Yes, I totally agree that more communication is required. Absolutely! Unfortunately I'm dealing with someone that doesn't like or want to communicate so I'm trying to find some inroads to get conversations happening. We do talk all the time, but about surface level everyday stuff and current events instead of the needed relationship stuff. There was a chasm between us that is now coming together, and as we do come closer conversation will become easier. I can see why she would be reluctant to talk with me if I'm liable to get upset, angry and fly off the handle. As I'm changing back into my previous role I'm noticing I'm becoming so much calmer and I guess soft with the way I talk to her, more approachable listening better and I believe that if I continue along this path she will be more able to open up to me.

I agree that lots of deep conversations needed to happen before engaging with another person. Unfortunately she eventually shut down the idea when we used to discuss it. Her online thing talking with others was something she unilaterally decided to do without informing me. I only pieced things together a couple of months into it. So yes, it was clearly cheating. However it became so blatant that I do wonder if she was kind of showing me on purpose.

In her mind she probably thought/thinks that because we'd spoken about it before years earlier and I'd shown interest in it she probably thought she had the green light to proceed. Years of telling her that she's in charge and can do what she likes, and a poorly thought out throw away line I made years ago doesn't help. I told her "I'd never leave you even if you cheated on me", which was in relation to a friend of a friend who's marriage busted because she cheated.

So my wife probably took all that to think that I want her to cheat or that I'd be fine if she does.

Yes, lots of probablys and maybes with lots of clarifying communication needed.

[Chrislydi]

Yes, I totally agree that more communication is required. Absolutely! Unfortunately I'm dealing with someone that doesn't like or want to communicate so I'm trying to find some inroads to get conversations happening. We do talk all the time, but about surface level everyday stuff and current events instead of the needed relationship stuff. There was a chasm between us that is now coming together, and as we do come closer conversation will become easier. I can see why she would be reluctant to talk with me if I'm liable to get upset, angry and fly off the handle. As I'm changing back into my previous role I'm noticing I'm becoming so much calmer and I guess soft with the way I talk to her, more approachable listening better and I believe that if I continue along this path she will be more able to open up to me.

I agree that lots of deep conversations needed to happen before engaging with another person. Unfortunately she eventually shut down the idea when we used to discuss it. Her online thing talking with others was something she unilaterally decided to do without informing me. I only pieced things together a couple of months into it. So yes, it was clearly cheating. However it became so blatant that I do wonder if she was kind of showing me on purpose.

In her mind she probably thought/thinks that because we'd spoken about it before years earlier and I'd shown interest in it she probably thought she had the green light to proceed. Years of telling her that she's in charge and can do what she likes, and a poorly thought out throw away line I made years ago doesn't help. I told her "I'd never leave you even if you cheated on me", which was in relation to a friend of a friend who's marriage busted because she cheated.

So my wife probably took all that to think that I want her to cheat or that I'd be fine if she does.

Yes, lots of probablys and maybes with lots of clarifying communication needed.

The new compliant and obedient attitude, the purposely calmer and softer way you talk to her, the more approachable you, the new you that knocks out that row of bricks, removes the front garden beds or puts in a new fence along the front of the house, all designed to hopefully set you along a path where she might find herself more able to open up to you.

This new approach allows her to delegate these extra activities including the menial tasks so that she can do more fun things, like concentrate on developing her online relationship, 'her so blatant cheating' and other 'pleasurable' pursuits. While these in themselves might be thought undesirable enough, it's further possible the whole basis for her attitude is a misinterpretation of something you said years earlier., (* see below) this now being taken completely out of context and unjustifiably used as a green light for herself.

(*) viz a viz the throw away line I made years ago, to quote ...

'I told her "I'd never leave you even if you cheated on me", which was in relation to a friend of a friend who's marriage busted because she cheated'

I wish you all the best as you seem to be doing your part in dealing only with the reality as it is now. The hope is that the misunderstanding on which her entire actions seem to be solely based, when combined with her self imposed ban on even talking about it, isn't enough to make any recovery impossible.

[newaussiecuck]

The new compliant and obedient attitude, the purposely calmer and softer way you talk to her, the more approachable you, the new you that knocks out that row of bricks, removes the front garden beds or puts in a new fence along the front of the house, all designed to hopefully set you along a path where she might find herself more able to open up to you.

This new approach allows her to delegate these extra activities including the menial tasks so that she can do more fun things, like concentrate on developing her online relationship, 'her so blatant cheating' and other 'pleasurable' pursuits. While these in themselves might be thought undesirable enough, it's further possible the whole basis for her attitude is a misinterpretation of something you said years earlier., (* see below) this now being taken completely out of context and unjustifiably used as a green light for herself.

(*) viz a viz the throw away line I made years ago, to quote ...

'I told her "I'd never leave you even if you cheated on me", which was in relation to a friend of a friend who's marriage busted because she cheated'

I wish you all the best as you seem to be doing your part in dealing only with the reality as it is now. The hope is that the misunderstanding on which her entire actions seem to be solely based, when combined with her self imposed ban on even talking about it, isn't enough to make any recovery impossible.

Thanks for your response! You do make excellent points and I very much appreciate your feedback. It is very helpful for a differing opinion to challenge my way of seeing things and I'm most definitely taking all the comments and opinions on board.

The situation I have is pretty unique and there isn't an easy answer as to how best to tackle it. With the details of the situation, it's virtually impossible that she would leave me for this other person, I don't believe it's possible to translate what they have into the real world, being overseas is just one part, but is not the biggest barrier. It's also been going on for a long time, is well established and seems to be pretty stable and not escalating. After 1.5 years they have never spoken a word verbally, as far as I understand. I want to make changes slowly, methodically and not rush things. The nuclear option may work to get changes quicker but will do a lot of possibly irreparable damage in the process. I do think my current approach is good and solid and lays the foundation for more fruitful attempts later if this alone doesn't bring about the desired result.

There has definitely been a positive shift in how we relate, she does seem to be making more accommodations for me, showing more affection and is showing concern for my health and well-being. She now wants me to make an appointment with the doctor to get something checked out for example. In general, the health of our relationship does seem to have improved a lot. I say seems as it's too early to tell if it's genuine and long-lasting or if it is just an attempt to appease me and get me off her case. I do hope it is genuine though.

In the background, I have begun working on a plan for the next step in how to discuss things if things aren't resolving better in time. Asking for a break from her game to work on our relationship for example. Suggesting counselling if she refuses, for game addition or marriage counselling etc.

Having said that, I do need to work out what the end-game is here, what am I shooting for. Is it the priority for her online activities to cease, or am I shooting for a happy, healthy marriage where we're both happy? It's possible to get the online thing to cease and be left with a shitty marriage where we're both miserable if it isn't executed well. Alternatively it's possible to have a happy, healthy marriage where we're both happy even if her online thing is continuing in some form. The desired end-state determines the actions taken to reach that end-state, and what actions need to be ruled out due to the damage they would cause. Ripping the laptop out of her hands (this wasn't your suggestion, it was someone else's) to go through it and confront her on what she's doing in my opinion is one example of something that would be too damaging in this specific case.

After a lot of careful consideration over a long period ot time, I do believe HER desired end-state is "a happy, healthy marriage where we're both happy and her online activities are continuing". I just need to work out if that is acceptable to me, and what accommodations and changes need to be made so that we can reach an amicable compromise.

In regards to the project with the bricks and fence, those are normal type projects that husbands do on weekends all the time. This one was first talked about probably around 10 years ago (the fence part anyway, removing the brick garden bed is new). Especially now while I am not currently employed it's pretty much expected that I make myself useful taking on some bigger projects around the house. I'm fine with that part of this, and it's good for me to keep busy and useful rather than rotting in self-pity while sending away job applications and getting knocked back after interviews etc. I do like that she's taking charge and making those kinds of decisions. If it were left to me I probably wouldn't do anything except for rot in self-pity. Having said that, I do have those doubts creep in from time to time about whether part of it is to keep me busy and away from bugging her about her computer use. So yes, I do flip-flop a bit with my emotions on this. In the whole though, I do think this part is a positive. She's not whipping me while working or anything like that, just pointing out projects for me to get done in my own time, and for my part I want to impress her by getting them done.

The part with doing the chores like cooking and cleaning, running errands, shopping etc. I believe that these are all a normal part of a healthy FLR relationship as far as I understand. Other elements such as orgasm denial, withholding sex etc are all elements of Domme/sub relationships and many cuckold couples are living with no-sex arrangements. Many don't even share the marital bed for example (we still do). Me not getting my way, or getting what I want etc are all frequently elements of a Domme/sub relationship.

As we've started coming closer together again, I am better able to convey when I have problems with things or when something is bothering me. She's also getting much better at picking up on when I have a problem with something and she's making accommodations or doing something to alleviate my discomfort or hurt. To me this is a good sign of progress being made.

I do still feel much pain and jealousy over her online relationship, but it has lessened some over this last week. Again, I understand that this is a part of what many cuckold husbands feel and the pain is actually a big part of why they like it. Sort of a mental masochism. Although it's not quite the same and the situation is different with this being an emotional affair and online vs physical sex, I do still see some parallels in how I feel vs how the cuckold husband feels. I'm not saying I'm enjoying it btw, just that I do see some parallels I guess. I believe there are also cuckold husbands where the wives do it even when the husband doesn't. They are sometimes left with a choice to either accept it or have the marriage end. Many choose to stay even though it is painful and they don't enjoy it.

Just some more thoughts I've been having as I try and work through all of my emotions and make sense of the situation. I do value more feedback and opinions to help point out my blind-spots etc.

[Whosbeensleeping]

It sounds like you are starting to reconnect, which is awesome.

This is going to sound know-it-all, whereas in fact it is anything but.
Please take it with a grain of salt.
Also forgive me if it's disjointed.

Compersion: It seems you are already working towards compersion and making good progress.

There's a song that beautifully expresses compersion this way:
"He gave her something that was not a part of who I am"

It would be worth reading up on online affairs.They are extraordinarily seductive and easy to fall into. Here I do speak from experience. I'm not an expert so I suggest you do read up on them. Having one take over your life like it has hers is also quite common, I suspect. (She may blame you for that.)

The elephant in the room gains disproportionate power through you dancing around it. You will need to find the courage to address the elephant and to speak from a place of vulnerability, rather than fear and anger.

It is okay to verbalize that you were/are hurt. But it's not okay to shame, blame, or otherwise make her the target of your anger when you yourself acknowledge your role in her ending up where she is.

Maybe you could say something like:
"It seems like you have gotten very deep into an online emotional affair, and we aren't acknowledging it. I recognize that I played a part in you ending up there. I'm also worried about how all-consuming it seems to be and how it may be taking away from us and also being isolating for you. Especially since we aren't openly discussing it."

If you can say it non-defensively and show her warmth then it might encourage her to respond in a similar fashion.

Courage and compassion are necessary ingredients of happiness.
Happiness looks like: connection.

If you don't go to the heart of the matter, then you are just moving pieces around on the chessboard in order to preserve a facade of connection where that connection has been seriously damaged, and hoping to get lucky. That path only leads to you both continuing to feel starved for connection. The only real way forward is for you to take a risk and rip off the bandaid.

I hope some of this resonates with you and may be useful.

I wish you strength through action.

Cheers,
W.

[newaussiecuck]

It sounds like you are starting to reconnect, which is awesome.

This is going to sound know-it-all, whereas in fact it is anything but.
Please take it with a grain of salt.
Also forgive me if it's disjointed.

Compersion: It seems you are already working towards compersion and making good progress.

There's a song that beautifully expresses compersion this way:
"He gave her something that was not a part of who I am"

It would be worth reading up on online affairs.They are extraordinarily seductive and easy to fall into. Here I do speak from experience. I'm not an expert so I suggest you do read up on them. Having one take over your life like it has hers is also quite common, I suspect. (She may blame you for that.)

The elephant in the room gains disproportionate power through you dancing around it. You will need to find the courage to address the elephant and to speak from a place of vulnerability, rather than fear and anger.

It is okay to verbalize that you were/are hurt. But it's not okay to shame, blame, or otherwise make her the target of your anger when you yourself acknowledge your role in her ending up where she is.

Maybe you could say something like:
"It seems like you have gotten very deep into an online emotional affair, and we aren't acknowledging it. I recognize that I played a part in you ending up there. I'm also worried about how all-consuming it seems to be and how it may be taking away from us and also being isolating for you. Especially since we aren't openly discussing it."

If you can say it non-defensively and show her warmth then it might encourage her to respond in a similar fashion.

Courage and compassion are necessary ingredients of happiness.
Happiness looks like: connection.

If you don't go to the heart of the matter, then you are just moving pieces around on the chessboard in order to preserve a facade of connection where that connection has been seriously damaged, and hoping to get lucky. That path only leads to you both continuing to feel starved for connection. The only real way forward is for you to take a risk and rip off the bandaid.

I hope some of this resonates with you and may be useful.

I wish you strength through action.

Cheers,
W.

Thanks W, I just came on to write an update on my feelings and some of the things that's happened in this last week or two. The update on my feelings resonates very well with what you have so eloquently said.

Yes, in the end for us to truly reconnect and move forwards we do very much need to have the kind of conversation you mentioned.

The below was pretty difficult to write and ponder
and I guess some difficult truths have been revealed.

At the moment it kind of feels like we have an unspoken agreement around what she's doing. I know what she's doing. I'm pretty sure that she knows that I know what she's doing. Yet, we're both acting as though neither of us know, but we do. Furthermore as I further reflect, I think she has deliberately left little clues and hints along the way and kind of made it pretty obvious to even
the stupidest person that something is going on. I've allowed it and have never DEMANDED that she stop. I've shown much displeasure, shown anger at times, torn strips off her verbally for staying up till 3am playing etc etc etc. However even with all this she's kept playing and I've continued to show her love and done her bidding, I've never physically stopped her playing. So yes, I've enabled it and through my own actions and inactions I can now see that I had actually given my blessing nonverbally. I think she tested me, got my reactions and used that to assess my level of acceptance and she has understandably seen that as permission, on top of our previous conversations and little games years earlier.

When she first started playing she used to let me watch her play, so I could see that players flirt and chat and etc etc, some hints of the kinds of things that happen in the game. I allowed her to play even knowing this. Later when she started not allowing me to watch her play anymore, I allowed it. (We used to play a game between us where she was allowed to watch porn with her headphones on and I would go down on her not being allowed to see nor hear what she was watching). Thus this not being able to see her screen as she plays felt like an extension of that game, me knowing that she's flirting with others and allowing it. Thinking back now I think that's exactly what it was.

When she started staying up late in the other room to play, I allowed it. I think I was kind of enjoying my own freedoms for a period while this was getting started. I watched some porn, read sexy stories and "cleaned the pipes", since I'd been left to fend for myself so to speak.

I guess I try and justify it to myself that I didn't know, that I wouldn't have allowed it if I did know etc etc. On some level though I can see that I did know that she was flirting chatting and having fun with others. What I didn't know was that she was getting into a serious online relationship, until it was too late.

Yet here we are. I know. . . . . I'm fairly certain that she knows that I know unless she does think I'm stupid, or was too blinded to notice that I know. I think the intensity of my blow ups over this at various times is kind of a dead giveaway that I know. Yet, it's continuing and I'm continuing to allow for it to continue.

If and when we do talk openly about this I would either be:
1. confessing that I know, have continued to allow it to happen even when knowing it. I would in effect be outing myself as a true cuckold at her mercy (I think she realises this by now even if I didn't and continued to try and fight against that realisation)and verbally giving my permission for it to continue openly. The unspoken secret finally being spoken OR
2. I confess that I know and DEMAND that it stop. Surely this would be seen as a very unfair position given my previous levels of permission in different unspoken ways. She would very rightly be PISSED, probably see through me anyway and would likely lough in my face, remind me that she is in charge, calls the shots and I either accept my place or leave. Sorry, but I can see that's probably how it would go.

Now, do I have the courage to verbalise what we both probably know already?



PS: I wrote my response based on what was already in my thoughts and also based on your input. After reading your response once again I feel that I may have misinterpreted some of what you said and I may require some further pondering and reflection.

My thoughts and feelings are slowly becoming clearer but a lot more self-reflection and insight into who I am, what I want and what is our relationship before we can have such a heavy discussion. As I have come to realise and you have also shown me, and my Queen has also shown me in her own way. It isn't my position to demand anything. I should gather up my own thoughts and feelings and lay myself bare to my Queen and allow her to take it all on board and then take whatever actions she sees fit. I now believe this is likely what she has done all along, and I just fought against it all and fought against my true self, causing myself (and my Queen) much pain and heartache.

[FNQLivin]

There just seems to be so much we're not aware of here for this to make sense to outsiders. I worry for you that you're sleep walking into an arrangement where all the emotional groundwork has been laid for your wife to leave you and you'll be left wondering how it happened.