A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

Yes, I think you did over-interpret their interest, but it's pretty natural considering what you're going through at home. The thing is, women can tell when a guy is desperate and they don't want that, so if you become too eager, they will back off. But it should of course also be noted that all of them had boyfriends, if I am not mistaken. If I am remembering that correct, then your odds were obviously not favorable to you from the start. Don't chase the "settled" women, it's much harder work, unless, of course, they're hotwives :-)

Thanks small, that's definitely good advice.

You're right both PG and L turned out to have boyfriends but they weren't exactly up-front about that fact. L even went so far as to tell me twice that the guy I saw with her dog was her brother, so that I wouldn't think it was her boyfriend.

I don't know what the story with L2 was. She came in and it seemed pretty clear to me that she was hitting on me and she also mentioned that the guy she was with 8 months ago when I vaguely remember meeting her was "a friend".

Maybe they were all trying to trade up? Maybe they all liked me but family said no? Hard to say really, but it does make it all the more difficult to contemplate being single and going through all that again and again.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm running around the park hitting on every girl that comes in. I'm definitely not. I'm mostly just speaking to my friends and playing with the dogs. However, I do speak to every newcomer that comes in whether male/female young or old. I have friends there ranging from probably 10 through to 80. People would quickly start to hate me if I was hitting on everyone. People seem to like me, but I guess that doesn't translate to girls wanting to date me.

[newaussiecuck]

In regards to last Monday might, I'm not even sure if it's worth writing about now, I'm pretty scarred and don't really want to dredge it all up again. However it's probably important that I don't just gloss over it either. It was a really major event, probably the 2nd biggest that I've writren about here. I could have and maybe should have called emergency services or an emergency counselling service.

So the ultimate form of emotional blackmail was used again, except this time I was also being told how it was all my fault so that all guilt was layed on me. Not very nice at all. It's abuse and domestic violence and clearly not acceptable behaviour. Even more shocking is that even though things have calmed right down again (for now), there hasn't been any acknowledgement of wrongdoing or an ounce of guilt, remorse or shame been shown for her actions.

I don't believe I have done anything to deserve any of this poor treatment. She's always been treated so well.

Note: This was what happened last Monday/Tuesday. Things have calmed down again the last few days but for how long?

[newaussiecuck]

Also to mention that even after all the drama of last week, last night was another night where she didn't come to bed until 1am.

[whosbeensleeping]

As an antidote to future gaslighting it would be good to get all this down in a journal.
At this point it seems like everything she's doing is designed to make you complicit in her bad behaviour.

[newaussiecuck]

As an antidote to future gaslighting it would be good to get all this down in a journal.
At this point it seems like everything she's doing is designed to make you complicit in her bad behaviour.

It's funny that you mentioned gaslighting. She was watching a tv show (some dating show) and it came up that one of the ladies ended her marriage a couple of years back after watching the same show and learned about gaslighting and she figured out that was what her husband was doing to her. As soon as the word gaslighting was used the channel got quickly changed even though she was the one that was watching that show.

[Small]

How are things going?

[newaussiecuck]

How are things going?

Well I wish I could report that things are going well. There was another incident happened around Valentines Day. I pre-booked and took her out for dinner that night but it ended up being pretty awkward. I could see she was determined to make an incident around that time. Pre-booking the restaurant headed things off for a day or so, but she ended up getting the incident she wanted a couple of days later.

After the incident, she went more into the clingy love-bombing phase showing lots of concern for my wellbeing. Concerned I wasn't sleeping without putting 2 and 2 together that I wasn't sleeping because of the incident.

We're currently in a calm phase, I'm licking my wounds and trying to get strong again so that I can prepare for the next incident. Unfortunately it's probably my getting strong which is causing the incidents (needs to knock me back down again). I'm feeling pretty aweful though.

Trying to decide whether to try and have a talk with her and insist that this abusive behaviour must stop. I'm doubtful that such a talk will be fruitful though, and it's also likely to trigger the next episode and I'm not strong enough to deal with that just yet.

However, the abuse must stop one way or another. so I'm praying for God to give me the strength I need to confront this evil that has beset my life. I'm tired from defending all of these psychological attacks and need to go on the front foot and confront this.

[MichaelW]

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? I would bet from your research you know there is no fixing a narcissist. Sometimes the best deal you can make is the one you walk away from. Granted I do not know your total circumstance but all this seems to be beating you down to the point that you must ask yourself, is it worth it to stay? Only you can answer that for yourself though.

[newaussiecuck]

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? I would bet from your research you know there is no fixing a narcissist. Sometimes the best deal you can make is the one you walk away from. Granted I do not know your total circumstance but all this seems to be beating you down to the point that you must ask yourself, is it worth it to stay? Only you can answer that for yourself though.

Thanks Michael, you're right. From my research I do understand there's no fixing a narcisist. I guess the problem is convincing myself that it is indeed what she is even though it's staring me right in the face.

In a nutshell I guess it's the 3 classic hooks of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that is making it so hard to leave, plus the constant drain of my energy. Just when I've picked myself up and dusted myself off ready to take action I'm blindsided again. I even know that somthing is coming but it's always different and always knocks me on my ass. She knows me too well unfortunately. I often think she's beyond narcisist into psychopath, especially as she doesn't display outward grandiosity and her manipulations seem too well planned and executed to be simply narcisist rage.

There's also the hope that it will be better next time, even though deep down I know it won't and seems to be getting worse the longer I resist giving in to her demands. The periods in between she's so sweet and innocent and almost the model of a perfect wife except that there is no connection felt.


Fear:
Of the unknown. Where do I go when I have no family around me or any real friends. Of the process of leaving. Of the immediate repercussions. Of the long term repercussions in terms of what the hell do I even tell me next partner? It's kind of embarassing and not likely to go over well to let it be known I was on the receiving end of an abusive relationship.

Obligation:
Towards her and her well-being etc etc. How would she cope?

Guilt:
Did I enable her these last few years? Did I do enough to find a way through? Did I somehow cause this? Guilt from giving up on a marriage when I vowed to marry for life through thick and thin (granted I didn't vow to accept being treated like this).
There's also guilt I feel from not giving in to her demands when they're basically to go back to how I was living for nearly 20 years. However I can't go back to that as it lead to what happened the last 4 years.

[newaussiecuck]

Later yesterday evening I was on the couch watching tv and wife was over on the other one watching tv and on her phone. I got up and used the bathroom and then my dog came over wanting some attention so I picked her up and cuddled with her on the lounge. She fell asleep in my arms. Wife got really jealous and said somthing like "oh lucky (my dog's name), getting cuddles" and I could see subtle eye roll and a shake of her head. Maybe 20 minutes later she got up and walked into the bedroom muttering somthing like "What is happening?". She was clearly upset, but mostly kept it to herself. However it all left me with a really cold chill and not so nice feeling.

I went to bed not long after, gave her a cuddle and she seemed ok then. I still find it strange how when cuddling etc she'll blurt out somthing completely unrelated like tell me some news story or something. She did the same thing yesterday morning. I gave her a long cuddle before leaving for work and in the middle of it blurted out somthing she was planning to do later in the garden. I didn't even need to know the information let alone right in the middle of what was a bit of a moment. It's very odd.

[Dream Weaver]

My 2 cents. I've followed this for YEARS. I thought you almost achieved liftoff about a year ago. Then.... you chickened out. WHY do you stay married? Why do you feel obligated to a person who treats you so badly? Call the lawyer. Get it done. She'll be happier, you'll be happier. Let her threaten self harm, whatever, it's NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE'S A CRAZY MEAN BITCH. It's very likely she'll simply find some other poor fool to step on. She won't even think twice about you.

You married a self centered manipulative person. You are by nature a diplomat with extremely bad case of conflict avoidance. Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

[newaussiecuck]

My 2 cents. I've followed this for YEARS. I thought you almost achieved liftoff about a year ago. Then.... you chickened out. WHY do you stay married? Why do you feel obligated to a person who treats you so badly? Call the lawyer. Get it done. She'll be happier, you'll be happier. Let her threaten self harm, whatever, it's NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE'S A CRAZY MEAN BITCH. It's very likely she'll simply find some other poor fool to step on. She won't even think twice about you.

You married a self centered manipulative person. You are by nature a diplomat with extremely bad case of conflict avoidance. Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond until now. You've a great way with words (sometimes I need that bluntness to get through to me) but you're totally correct. The voices all around me are dragging me kicking and screaming over that finish line. I can also feel encouragement from a few ladies around me to get the job done. I no longer feel like I will have any trouble getting dates once I'm free and clear.

For now it's just the mechanics of how to get it done, it's not a simple situation to break away from but I can't let the difficulty of the task be a show-stopper.

It's hard to stand back and look at the big picture when it's non-stop incidents and events one after the other after the other. However, as I have some clear air right now to stand back and think about it and take it all in, it's been one hell of a shit-show over these last 4 years!!! I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to read all of this from a distance.

There was another small incident last night that really shows there's no hope, and it came right after probably the best weekend we've had for a few months. She's now trying to control what I should wear when I go to the dog park, suggesting I got changed out of my work clothes first (just jeans, sneakers and a button up dress shirt suitable for office). I stuck to my guns and went as-is but it's been followed up by 24 hours of silent treatment.

Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was the guy being abusive over what his wife chose to wear! It wouldn't go down so well.

Her need to control is crazy insane. It sometimes gets to the point where I have my empty plate with food scraps on it walking towards the bin. I open the cupboard door to the bin, move the plate above the bin with knife/fork in hand and for no reason she'll say somthing like "Just scrape those in there". WTF? Why would I need her to tell me that?

It's because it satisfies her need to control in some way. In her mind she told me what to do (scrape the plate) and I went along and did it (I scraped the plate) so that's a win in her book. Even though I was half a second away from doing it myself that doesn't seem to matter in her mind. There's many many many instances of even small things like this.

[newaussiecuck]

Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

I'll be making a call tomorrow.

There may potentially be a new person of interest I can call C. C is very different from all the other "park girls" I've mentioned before. She's closer to my age for a start (however still 13 years younger). I've actually known her as a park friend for almost 2 years. She's always been friendly and we always say hello and chat briefly even though she mostly kept to herself. You see, she was married and I spoke to both her and her husband, sometimes him alone if he brought the dogs. A few days ago I made a special effort to go over and talk to her as usual (she normally sits off by herself, and I leave the main group to talk to her for a bit). During the conversation it came out that she split from her husband about 5 months ago! She kicked him out due to a gambling problem. Every time she thought he had stopped he'd do it again. That is similar to my situation. I thought "wife" had stopped her online affair but I can see that it has continued, she's just hidden it better.

So I was able to let her know of my situation. We had a very nice, open and deeply personal discussion about both our situations. We've never spoken like this before and it all seemed to come so easy. I felt like we could have spoken for hours. We've shared similar bad experiences. She held on for 8 years, I'm now coming up to 4. She wishes she left much earlier, as do I.

C has inspired me. She said that I'll be so much happier on my own. If she can do it, so can I. I don't know what if anything will happen with us, probably nothing, but it really was such a nice conversation to have.

I haven't seen her since that day and have no idea when/if I'll see her next. I feel like we both have a lot to process. I think each other's situation came as a complete surprise.

[Long Lurker 34]

Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

I'll be making a call tomorrow.

There may potentially be a new person of interest I can call C. C is very different from all the other "park girls" I've mentioned before. She's closer to my age for a start (however still 13 years younger). I've actually known her as a park friend for almost 2 years. She's always been friendly and we always say hello and chat briefly even though she mostly kept to herself. You see, she was married and I spoke to both her and her husband, sometimes him alone if he brought the dogs. A few days ago I made a special effort to go over and talk to her as usual (she normally sits off by herself, and I leave the main group to talk to her for a bit). During the conversation it came out that she split from her husband about 5 months ago! She kicked him out due to a gambling problem. Every time she thought he had stopped he'd do it again. That is similar to my situation. I thought "wife" had stopped her online affair but I can see that it has continued, she's just hidden it better.

So I was able to let her know of my situation. We had a very nice, open and deeply personal discussion about both our situations. We've never spoken like this before and it all seemed to come so easy. I felt like we could have spoken for hours. We've shared similar bad experiences. She held on for 8 years, I'm now coming up to 4. She wishes she left much earlier, as do I.

C has inspired me. She said that I'll be so much happier on my own. If she can do it, so can I. I don't know what if anything will happen with us, probably nothing, but it really was such a nice conversation to have.

I haven't seen her since that day and have no idea when/if I'll see her next. I feel like we both have a lot to process. I think each other's situation came as a complete surprise.

NAC -

[Long Lurker 34]

My 2 cents. I've followed this for YEARS. I thought you almost achieved liftoff about a year ago. Then.... you chickened out. WHY do you stay married? Why do you feel obligated to a person who treats you so badly? Call the lawyer. Get it done. She'll be happier, you'll be happier. Let her threaten self harm, whatever, it's NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE'S A CRAZY MEAN BITCH. It's very likely she'll simply find some other poor fool to step on. She won't even think twice about you.

You married a self centered manipulative person. You are by nature a diplomat with extremely bad case of conflict avoidance. Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond until now. You've a great way with words (sometimes I need that bluntness to get through to me) but you're totally correct. The voices all around me are dragging me kicking and screaming over that finish line. I can also feel encouragement from a few ladies around me to get the job done. I no longer feel like I will have any trouble getting dates once I'm free and clear.

For now it's just the mechanics of how to get it done, it's not a simple situation to break away from but I can't let the difficulty of the task be a show-stopper.

It's hard to stand back and look at the big picture when it's non-stop incidents and events one after the other after the other. However, as I have some clear air right now to stand back and think about it and take it all in, it's been one hell of a shit-show over these last 4 years!!! I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to read all of this from a distance.

There was another small incident last night that really shows there's no hope, and it came right after probably the best weekend we've had for a few months. She's now trying to control what I should wear when I go to the dog park, suggesting I got changed out of my work clothes first (just jeans, sneakers and a button up dress shirt suitable for office). I stuck to my guns and went as-is but it's been followed up by 24 hours of silent treatment.

Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was the guy being abusive over what his wife chose to wear! It wouldn't go down so well.

Her need to control is crazy insane. It sometimes gets to the point where I have my empty plate with food scraps on it walking towards the bin. I open the cupboard door to the bin, move the plate above the bin with knife/fork in hand and for no reason she'll say somthing like "Just scrape those in there". WTF? Why would I need her to tell me that?

It's because it satisfies her need to control in some way. In her mind she told me what to do (scrape the plate) and I went along and did it (I scraped the plate) so that's a win in her book. Even though I was half a second away from doing it myself that doesn't seem to matter in her mind. There's many many many instances of even small things like this.

NAC - You have no idea.
- Plus it's concern for your safety. With mental health issues such as she has displayed at times you can never be sure what might cause her to break with reality and become violent.

[newaussiecuck]

I have been re-listening to the audiobook on boundaries. I can't emphasise enough how good it is and how helpful it has been to me in navigating through this. If anyone reading this finds themselves in a similar situation you will also likely find it helpful.

I got into, and stayed in, this situation because of a lack of boundaries on my part. I'm working on strengthening my boundaries, without this work I'll likely find myself in a similar situation at some point in time. It's the strengthening of my boundaries which is triggering her to act out. However, that's not my problem, it's hers to deal with.

I nearly drove off the road when I heard this part this morning. I've listened to the book 3 or 4 times already but I don't remember this part. It was just what I needed to hear at the right time.


"
People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves. When they hear “no,” they have the same reaction a two-year-old has when deprived of something: “Bad Mommy!” They feel as though the one who deprives them of their wishes is “bad,” and they become angry. They are not righteously angry at a real offense. Nothing has been done “to them” at all. Someone will not do something “for them.” Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others’ freedom (Prov. 19:19). Angry people have a character problem. If you reinforce this character problem, it will return tomorrow and the next day in other situations. It is not the situation that’s making them angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others, and as a result, they have no control over themselves. So when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they “lose it.” They get angry. The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people. Second, you must view anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better. If you either rescue him from it or take it on yourself, the angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage. Third, do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry, and decide for yourself what you need to do.
"




"
If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time instead of “other control,” which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change. The hard truth is that sometimes they will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they can no longer control you. This is a true risk. God takes this risk every day. He says that he will only do things the right way and that he will not participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, he lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same.
"

In the above passage it is not only anger but other methods of control such as guilt, silent treatment, baby bird with broken wing etc to contend with. However, I must maintain my boundaries and not relent. "People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves." Yes I've been guilty of this, jumping to "rescue" her when she's acting out and threatening self-harm for example.

[newaussiecuck]

"
No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt message. People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-inducing statements that try to make them feel bad.
"

"
Here are a few tips about dealing with these external messages. 1. Recognize guilt messages. Some people swallow guilt messages without seeing how controlling they are. Be open to rebuke and feedback; you need to know when you are being self-centered. But guilt messages are not given for your growth and good. They are given to manipulate and control. 2. Guilt messages are really anger in disguise. The guilt senders are failing to openly admit their anger at you for what you are doing, probably because that would expose how controlling they really are. They would rather focus on you and your behavior than on how they feel. Focusing on their feelings would get them too close to responsibility. 3. Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt. Instead of expressing and owning these feelings, people try to steer the focus onto you and what you are doing. Recognize that guilt messages are sometimes an expression of a person’s sadness, hurt, or need. 4. If guilt works on you, recognize that this is your problem and not theirs. Realize where the real problem is: inside. Then you will be able to deal with the outside correctly, with love and limits. If you continue to blame other people for “making” you feel guilty, they still have power over you, and you are saying that you will only feel good when they stop doing that. You are giving them control over your life. Stop blaming other people. 5. Do not explain or justify. Only guilty children do that. This is only playing into their message. You do not owe guilt senders an explanation. Just tell what you have chosen. If you want to tell them why you made a certain decision to help them understand, this is okay. If you wish to get them not to make you feel bad or to resolve your guilt, you are playing into their guilt trap.
"

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - You have no idea.
- Plus it's concern for your safety. With mental health issues such as she has displayed at times you can never be sure what might cause her to break with reality and become violent.

Thank you, and yes agreed. I need to be careful. I've seen enough already to warrant caution.

[Long Lurker 34]

I have been re-listening to the audiobook on boundaries. I can't emphasise enough how good it is and how helpful it has been to me in navigating through this. If anyone reading this finds themselves in a similar situation you will also likely find it helpful.

I got into, and stayed in, this situation because of a lack of boundaries on my part. I'm working on strengthening my boundaries, without this work I'll likely find myself in a similar situation at some point in time. It's the strengthening of my boundaries which is triggering her to act out. However, that's not my problem, it's hers to deal with.

I nearly drove off the road when I heard this part this morning. I've listened to the book 3 or 4 times already but I don't remember this part. It was just what I needed to hear at the right time.


"
People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves. When they hear “no,” they have the same reaction a two-year-old has when deprived of something: “Bad Mommy!” They feel as though the one who deprives them of their wishes is “bad,” and they become angry. They are not righteously angry at a real offense. Nothing has been done “to them” at all. Someone will not do something “for them.” Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others’ freedom (Prov. 19:19). Angry people have a character problem. If you reinforce this character problem, it will return tomorrow and the next day in other situations. It is not the situation that’s making them angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others, and as a result, they have no control over themselves. So when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they “lose it.” They get angry. The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people. Second, you must view anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better. If you either rescue him from it or take it on yourself, the angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage. Third, do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry, and decide for yourself what you need to do.
"




"
If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time instead of “other control,” which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change. The hard truth is that sometimes they will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they can no longer control you. This is a true risk. God takes this risk every day. He says that he will only do things the right way and that he will not participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, he lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same.
"

In the above passage it is not only anger but other methods of control such as guilt, silent treatment, baby bird with broken wing etc to contend with. However, I must maintain my boundaries and not relent. "People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves." Yes I've been guilty of this, jumping to "rescue" her when she's acting out and threatening self-harm for example.

NAC - Since covid, at least where I am, the driving of many more people has just become incrementally worse. I think that sentence is partly what accounts for it. Now this has me wondering if a lot more people were affected, mentally, by covid than has been realized.
- Reading the rest of that paragraph has me thinking of some certain high profile people who are continuously in the news that make a lot of noise.

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - Since covid, at least where I am, the driving of many more people has just become incrementally worse. I think that sentence is partly what accounts for it. Now this has me wondering if a lot more people were affected, mentally, by covid than has been realized.
- Reading the rest of that paragraph has me thinking of some certain high profile people who are continuously in the news that make a lot of noise.

I'm 100% sure there is and to be honest that taps into a good portion of why I have stayed so long. Trying to sort out how much of this mess was caused by Covid and how much is just because that's just the way she is (remember the problems for us started August 2020 when she began her online relationship, which to this day she still hasn't come clean about).

It's further complicated by gaslighting, blame-shifting, minimisation and a host of other tactics manipulative people deploy. On top of that was my own struggles with Covid lockdowns, surgery, getting fired for not getting injected, finding and starting a new job and then the passing of my father. It's all been a lot to deal with.

When I think about it all, and my nature to not be impulsive, I can see why it's taken so long.

[newaussiecuck]

Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

I'll be making a call tomorrow.

The call was made. Next step is to gather some info, fill out some forms and make an appointment. That may take some time.

Very mixed feelings. "Wife is being extra nice this last day after a brief episode a few days ago. Maybe she senses my pensive mood. However, it isn't stopping her from spending the day on her phone (no, not to call anybody) which means I pretty much know what she's likely doing on there.

[Long Lurker 34]

Talk to the lawyer. Get a list of steps. Do them.

I'll be making a call tomorrow.

The call was made. Next step is to gather some info, fill out some forms and make an appointment. That may take some time.

Very mixed feelings. "Wife is being extra nice this last day after a brief episode a few days ago. Maybe she senses my pensive mood. However, it isn't stopping her from spending the day on her phone (no, not to call anybody) which means I pretty much know what she's likely doing on there.

NAC - You have to be thinking of your own long term welfare, physically and mentally.

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - You have to be thinking of your own long term welfare, physically and mentally.

Thank you, you're right. That's exactly what my psychologist told me last year, but I keep forgetting while thinking of how to avoid the next unpleasant event. That brings my thoughts to her more than is helpful.

[newaussiecuck]

I just purchased the below book. It has good reviews and I can listen while driving to work. I started listening this morning and have already learned quite a bit.

The title has a double meaning. Splitting as-in separating, however the other meaning is what the person with personality disorder does during periods of high stress. This would be periods like during separation and divorce proceedings, and explains why "wife" has behaved the way she has during her periods of high stress (like when she senses I'm having thoughts of leaving). It's the splitting of people into categories of either all good or all bad. When I'm in the all bad category she can justify to herself any kind of behaviour as being acceptable and necessary since I'm so bad. Interesting to learn this but scary ar the same time.

The book also explains how it's common for people to have more than one personality disorder at the same time. For example Borderline Personality Disorder along with Narcisist Personslity Disorder. They can even have 3 at the same time. Apparently 20% of people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) also have both BPD and NPD at the same time.

I believe "wife" has shown signs of all 3 (NPD, BPD and ASPD) if I'm honest with myself. The extreme fear of abandonment is a BPD trait. The sense of superiority (eg snatching of tools right out of my hand to show me how something should be done) is an NPD trait.
The cold, calculating, manipulating, deceipt etc that she has shown against me and her online person are traits of someone with ASPD, as is the way she seems to plan out psychological attacks in advance.

Seeing the way she can lie for no reason, and manipulate and seems to enjoy moving me around like a pawn on a chess board makes me almost certain that she has ASPD (basically a psychopath). The displays of amazingly good character that she shows have been confusing to see against what I've experienced but are traits of people with ASPD. For example the weekend before last we saw a lady struggling to wheel a trolly full of plants off the road and onto a footpath. She sprinted 30 meters ahead of me to grab the trolly and help the lady across.

I think it was many similar types of displays which let me see her as such a good person early in our relationship, with enough peppered throughout our relationship to not question anything.


This is the book:

"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

-----

This highly anticipated second edition of Splitting includes new chapters on abuse, alienation, and false allegations; as well as information about the four types of domestic violence, protective orders, and child custody disputes.

Are you divorcing someone who’s making the process as difficult as possible? Are they sending you nasty emails, falsifying the truth, putting your children in the middle, abusing you, or abusing the system? Are they “persuasive blamers,” manipulating and fooling court personnel to get them on their side? If so, you need this book.

For more than ten years, Splitting has served as the ultimate guide for people divorcing a high conflict person, one who often has borderline or narcissistic (or even antisocial) personality disorder. Among other things, it has saved readers thousands of dollars, helped them keep custody of their children, and effectively guided them through a difficult legal and emotional process.

Written by a family law attorney and therapist, and the author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, Splitting is an essential legal and psychological guide for anyone divorcing a persuasive blamer: someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and/or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). This second edition includes new information about antisocial personalities; expanded information about domestic violence, child abuse, alienation, and false allegations; how to approach protective orders and deal with child custody disputes; and a new chapter on how to successfully present your case to decision makers.

Turn to this guide to help you:

Predict what your spouse may do or say in court
Take control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinking
Choose a lawyer who understands your case
Learn how e-mails and social networking can be used against you
If you need help navigating a high-conflict divorce from a manipulative spouse, this book includes all of the critical information you need to work through the process of divorce in an emotionally balanced, productive way.

[Long Lurker 34]

I just purchased the below book. It has good reviews and I can listen while driving to work. I started listening this morning and have already learned quite a bit.

The title has a double meaning. Splitting as-in separating, however the other meaning is what the person with personality disorder does during periods of high stress. This would be periods like during separation and divorce proceedings, and explains why "wife" has behaved the way she has during her periods of high stress (like when she senses I'm having thoughts of leaving). It's the splitting of people into categories of either all good or all bad. When I'm in the all bad category she can justify to herself any kind of behaviour as being acceptable and necessary since I'm so bad. Interesting to learn this but scary ar the same time.

The book also explains how it's common for people to have more than one personality disorder at the same time. For example Borderline Personality Disorder along with Narcisist Personslity Disorder. They can even have 3 at the same time. Apparently 20% of people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) also have both BPD and NPD at the same time.

I believe "wife" has shown signs of all 3 (NPD, BPD and ASPD) if I'm honest with myself. The extreme fear of abandonment is a BPD trait. The sense of superiority (eg snatching of tools right out of my hand to show me how something should be done) is an NPD trait.
The cold, calculating, manipulating, deceipt etc that she has shown against me and her online person are traits of someone with ASPD, as is the way she seems to plan out psychological attacks in advance.

Seeing the way she can lie for no reason, and manipulate and seems to enjoy moving me around like a pawn on a chess board makes me almost certain that she has ASPD (basically a psychopath). The displays of amazingly good character that she shows have been confusing to see against what I've experienced but are traits of people with ASPD. For example the weekend before last we saw a lady struggling to wheel a trolly full of plants off the road and onto a footpath. She sprinted 30 meters ahead of me to grab the trolly and help the lady across.

I think it was many similar types of displays which let me see her as such a good person early in our relationship, with enough peppered throughout our relationship to not question anything.


This is the book:

"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

-----

This highly anticipated second edition of Splitting includes new chapters on abuse, alienation, and false allegations; as well as information about the four types of domestic violence, protective orders, and child custody disputes.

Are you divorcing someone who’s making the process as difficult as possible? Are they sending you nasty emails, falsifying the truth, putting your children in the middle, abusing you, or abusing the system? Are they “persuasive blamers,” manipulating and fooling court personnel to get them on their side? If so, you need this book.

For more than ten years, Splitting has served as the ultimate guide for people divorcing a high conflict person, one who often has borderline or narcissistic (or even antisocial) personality disorder. Among other things, it has saved readers thousands of dollars, helped them keep custody of their children, and effectively guided them through a difficult legal and emotional process.

Written by a family law attorney and therapist, and the author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, Splitting is an essential legal and psychological guide for anyone divorcing a persuasive blamer: someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and/or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). This second edition includes new information about antisocial personalities; expanded information about domestic violence, child abuse, alienation, and false allegations; how to approach protective orders and deal with child custody disputes; and a new chapter on how to successfully present your case to decision makers.

Turn to this guide to help you:

Predict what your spouse may do or say in court
Take control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinking
Choose a lawyer who understands your case
Learn how e-mails and social networking can be used against you
If you need help navigating a high-conflict divorce from a manipulative spouse, this book includes all of the critical information you need to work through the process of divorce in an emotionally balanced, productive way.

NAC - The workplace I spent the longest time at, nearly 20 years, the crew chief was exactly like this to a 'T'. Then we ended up with a new manager above him and he was as bad or even worse. I, and a bunch of others, got layed off and it was almost a relief to go.