A virtual cuckold?

[Carlbiinchicago]

Will need to read this thread. My wife is also asian and i feel like her attachment style and culture both make reconnection challenging

[Small]

I am now finally up to speed on this thread and I don't even know where to start with it all.

I think it's pretty clear that your wife is a lesbian but, sadly, is embarrassed to admit it, even to herself. That would also explain why she panicks if you ever get near to her computer screen (when she used that openly). She even said "I'm Done" and "I just feel embarrassed" at one point. You took it as a statement that regarded the two of you, but maybe she was in fact talking about herself and her desires, even if it was a year or so before she started her "24/7 online life"? One thing I haven't quite figured out is: How you know all the things about her online "life" that you do, if you never discuss it and you never see her screen?

It's also very clear that she is a manipulating person and I am pretty sure she lost all respect for you at one point. The way she's treated you makes that very clear. I have to say, and this may sound "hard", but it really does not help that you are crying in front of her, as you have stated a few times now. It just make you look weak and it totally plays into her field and shows her that she's in command and you're her little puppy. You need to "man up" in front of her. No, she probably won't love you if you suddenly behaves like a macho man but that ship has sailed a long time ago anyway, I believe. She even stated that she "doesn't know how to love you" or something like that at one time. Tells it all really. She has very little empathy (as evidenced throughout this thread) and most likely never really loved you deeply - she probably liked you initially and being afraid and embarrassed by her "real self" (a lesbian woman), she saw you as a decent compromise since you weren't the typical macho guy that she would never fall for (as she pretty much stated).

I have no idea how you have accepted her behaviour this long - I would have ended this relationship/marriage a long time ago, but if you decide to finally do that, you really need a long deep discussion first. If you still want to try to save your marriage, you need a long talk. If you're not supposed to know about her online relationship it can be a difficult discussion to start... but if you want your wife to be happy, you probably have to accept and especially get her to accept her sexuality - and the latter part will be very tricky, I believe. Would you be fine with her having a lesbian lover since that is in the end probably what she wants deep down? Is this even a talk you can have with her without her freaking out?

[All of the above is obviously based only on what we have been told and I could easily be jumping to conclusions so take it all with a pinch of salt - I am NOT a trained psychiatrist/counsellor]

Anyway, finally, I just noted that you haven't mentioned N2 since July 19 where you dynamic with her seemed to freeze a bit. Is she totally out of the picture now?

[newaussiecuck]

I am now finally up to speed on this thread and I don't even know where to start with it all.

I think it's pretty clear that your wife is a lesbian but, sadly, is embarrassed to admit it, even to herself. That would also explain why she panicks if you ever get near to her computer screen (when she used that openly). She even said "I'm Done" and "I just feel embarrassed" at one point. You took it as a statement that regarded the two of you, but maybe she was in fact talking about herself and her desires, even if it was a year or so before she started her "24/7 online life"? One thing I haven't quite figured out is: How you know all the things about her online "life" that you do, if you never discuss it and you never see her screen?

It's also very clear that she is a manipulating person and I am pretty sure she lost all respect for you at one point. The way she's treated you makes that very clear. I have to say, and this may sound "hard", but it really does not help that you are crying in front of her, as you have stated a few times now. It just make you look weak and it totally plays into her field and shows her that she's in command and you're her little puppy. You need to "man up" in front of her. No, she probably won't love you if you suddenly behaves like a macho man but that ship has sailed a long time ago anyway, I believe. She even stated that she "doesn't know how to love you" or something like that at one time. Tells it all really. She has very little empathy (as evidenced throughout this thread) and most likely never really loved you deeply - she probably liked you initially and being afraid and embarrassed by her "real self" (a lesbian woman), she saw you as a decent compromise since you weren't the typical macho guy that she would never fall for (as she pretty much stated).

I have no idea how you have accepted her behaviour this long - I would have ended this relationship/marriage a long time ago, but if you decide to finally do that, you really need a long deep discussion first. If you still want to try to save your marriage, you need a long talk. If you're not supposed to know about her online relationship it can be a difficult discussion to start... but if you want your wife to be happy, you probably have to accept and especially get her to accept her sexuality - and the latter part will be very tricky, I believe. Would you be fine with her having a lesbian lover since that is in the end probably what she wants deep down? Is this even a talk you can have with her without her freaking out?

[All of the above is obviously based only on what we have been told and I could easily be jumping to conclusions so take it all with a pinch of salt - I am NOT a trained psychiatrist/counsellor]

Anyway, finally, I just noted that you haven't mentioned N2 since July 19 where you dynamic with her seemed to freeze a bit. Is she totally out of the picture now?

Thank you for slogging through my crazy thread. In a nutshell I think the reason I'm still here is the result of 20 years of psychological manipulation by a very smart (possibly psychopath), coupled with being isolated away from family, having no friends of my own (looking back I can now see how she manipulated things to make sure of that) but I'm now trying to rectify that and build a network of people I can turn to. I also have a tendency towards being too nice.

It also didn't help last year when I was trying to make the decision to leave that I had my mum in my ear telling me things like "You'll probably never be able to find anyone else" "you might end up with someone worse you know", "you know you'll lose most of your money you know", "how will you feel about losing your dog, you know she'll go with (my wife)", and probably a dozen other things to talk me out of it. I can see she's also a master manipulator and probably how I fell into this marriage in the first place. I didn't see the red flags as it all felt normal to me.

L mentioned me as an empath and that is probably accurate. I'm over-sensitive to other's pain and I have tremendous difficulty in hurting someone (a fact she uses against me for sure). I understand that an empath makes the perfect target for someone like her.

As for N2, I still see her a few times a week but we never went anywhere. We're just friends. I think we sussed each other out and are not each other's type in the end. We never really talked at all, I don't feel comfortable in talking to her in the same way as I did L (and a few others).

The crying in front of her is bad, yes, but you haven't been there in that position experiencing the complete despair as to how a person could possibly behave in that manner. It's hard to describe I guess.

As for her sexuality, you're probanly right there. Sadly I don't think it's a talk I can have with her. We do need a brutally honest talk though. Things can't stay how they are. We need to have a brutally honest talk and let the chips fall where they may. That being said, I'm not hopeful of it being productive and will just trigger another round of manipulstion like what hapened last year. I think I'm better prepared this time around.

"
She even stated that she "doesn't know how to love you" or something like that at one time.
"
This part was really haunting and sadly will stay with me the rest of my life. It was the night she had some kind of psychotic breakdown (with suicide threats etc), I've never seen a person look the way she did that night. She said "I'm sorry that I don't know how to love". It wasn't that she doesn't know how to love me, it's love anyone. Not even her mother. I think she's incapable of it to be honest. The way she said those words were so haunting like it was right out of a movie. The tone of it still sends chills down my spine.

[Small]

"As for her sexuality, you're probanly right there. Sadly I don't think it's a talk I can have with her. We do need a brutally honest talk though. Things can't stay how they are. We need to have a brutally honest talk and let the chips fall where they may.

Yeah, this is essentially the problem. If you can't address the elephant in the room, then I don't see many positive outcomes of this. You wrote at one point that she had suggested that you may be one of those married couples who never have sex. It's perfectly clear why she would want and suggest that, given what we know now. You need to ask yourself if you want to be a happy man or just a somewhat (but no really, deep down) content person who shares a house with what is basically a free rider, since apparently she doesn't want a job and, I would assume, does not contribute much in terms of economy..? I respect the fact that you have been with her for about 20 years and it's not easy to just forget about that - but, really, I feel that you have to. We only live once (for all we know) and don't spoil the rest of your life living with a person who clearly is not good or healthy for you.

Do NOT listen to your mother. She has no idea what you are really going through and you deserve much better than this! You seem to be very good at getting into contact with people. OF COURSE you can find another woman and she will ABSOLUTELY be better than what you have now. And even if you did not meet another woman, living your life as a single is clearly better than what you go through now and have done for at least the past three years. Make sure to get a hobby that involves meeting other people - you need a network and some real friends and based on how you write and the person you seem to be, that really shouldn't be a problem either.

[Carlbiinchicago]

Finally on a computer where in can type and i finally read the whole thread.

I think NAC's wife is more likely bisexual. I am bisexual, so i know how tough this can be. I have a very high libido and i think it is part of the reason being bi made sense for me. I'm not attracted to most men in the sense of looking around at them. It's more in sexual situations where the clothes come of where i am. My wife knew i was bi before we met, i admitted to her online and i don't think she ever liked it, but as long as i was loyal it didn't matter.

However in 2011, i was caught chatting inappropriately with men and women online. At that point we had been together for over 5 years and married for 2. She had me go to a psychologist, it was uncomfortable in large part becase of the male psychologist and my wife bringing up the "gay porn" aspect of things. We didn't go back , but things got better and we had a kid in 2013.

Things were much better from 2013-2020 until the pandemic struck. My anxiety for many reasons went through the roof. I was very concerned about the pandemic (2 of my friends ended up dying from covid in 2021) and when my anxiety goes through the roof, so does my libido. I was very horny and had convinced my wife to stop working. We had alot of sex and i'd bring up my hotwife sharing fantasy often.

At some point the straw broke the camels back. She told her mom, her best women friends and this guy online from her same culture. He used it against her and led her into a long affair, first emotional then physical. He lives 6 hours away in a different state but threatened to move her for her.

They would call and talk for hours.. in their native language which i'm not remotely fluent in. My wife before this rarely spoke her native language but for at least a year and half was on the phone constantly with him.

We had a horrible 2021, those 2 friends died of covid and my father also died at the end of the year (not of covid but natural causes)

As 2022 opened i started to see gradual improvements. Less time on phone, less trips away to see the affair partner. I knew it was a matter of time before it ended. In 2023 i saw one gift she got for him, and i guess there were a few times where he could have met up with her.

Finally she told me a couple of weeks ago it was over with him. We still sleep in separate bedrooms and havent had any physical contact since september 2020 when she cut me off sex

To be continued and NAC i want to talk about your specifics. Lots of similiarities.

[newaussiecuck]

"As for her sexuality, you're probanly right there. Sadly I don't think it's a talk I can have with her. We do need a brutally honest talk though. Things can't stay how they are. We need to have a brutally honest talk and let the chips fall where they may.

Yeah, this is essentially the problem. If you can't address the elephant in the room, then I don't see many positive outcomes of this. You wrote at one point that she had suggested that you may be one of those married couples who never have sex. It's perfectly clear why she would want and suggest that, given what we know now. You need to ask yourself if you want to be a happy man or just a somewhat (but no really, deep down) content person who shares a house with what is basically a free rider, since apparently she doesn't want a job and, I would assume, does not contribute much in terms of economy..? I respect the fact that you have been with her for about 20 years and it's not easy to just forget about that - but, really, I feel that you have to. We only live once (for all we know) and don't spoil the rest of your life living with a person who clearly is not good or healthy for you.

Do NOT listen to your mother. She has no idea what you are really going through and you deserve much better than this! You seem to be very good at getting into contact with people. OF COURSE you can find another woman and she will ABSOLUTELY be better than what you have now. And even if you did not meet another woman, living your life as a single is clearly better than what you go through now and have done for at least the past three years. Make sure to get a hobby that involves meeting other people - you need a network and some real friends and based on how you write and the person you seem to be, that really shouldn't be a problem either.

Thank you for your kind words and support. A large part of the problem is lack of communication, but that went out the window the moment she started her 16 hour a day online affair. There was no room (and I can see now on her part the desire) for "us". Things are marginally better between us now since we spend so little time together. The recent 10 day holiday was a struggle. What usually passes for conversation is a barrage of words fired at me, usually to "tell" me about current events I'd prefer to just read for myself. I think it makes her feel important to "tell" me things I don't know. There's no real way for me to respond or have a conversation about it. If I do try and engage I'm often cut off so that she can give her opinion, followed almost immediately by "huh??" which is my queue to agree with her. It's pretty aweful to be honest.

I do have a hobby now where I can socialize and network with others, the dog park. My only source of real conversation outside of the workplace. I can't tell you how important that place is to me. Every time I go there I feel alive and human again, especially when meeting new people, but talking with the regulars who I consider my friends is pretty good too.

You're right, I'm pretty comfortable to just talk to complete strangers. Whenever I'm with "wife" out in public I think she's dismayed by how easily I can just strike up a conversation with a complete stranger (even more so if it's an attractive female come over to talk to me about the dog, and talking to me like wife isn't there which has happened a few times now over this last year . . . . .I think the working out is paying off now).

I don't mean to say I go around chatting up girls (I don't but probably should) but I do find I can strike up a conversation with people which should help.

I even told the psychologist on Friday that it's really odd, but I feel more of a connection with a complete stranger than I do with my wife. I think it's called "limbic resonance" and I feel that with strangers even, but not my wife unfortunately. It's just empty words with no feeling behind them.

I meant to add to my list of reasons why I'm staying at the moment and you nailed it right.After all the craziness last year I managed to get things stable enough to where it's a bit confortable to stay if I do my own thing and spend as little time around her as possible. I feel she has a black heart and I almost start to feel almost like "infected" if I'm around her for too long. Small doses is ok. Things aren't as bad as last year, but you're right do I want things to be just ok-ish or do I deserve true happiness?

Your post was actually really perceptive and you made a lot of points similar to what the psychologist said.

There are periods where things seem pretty normal and then out of the blue I'm blindsided by an odd comment or behaviour which brings everything back again.

[newaussiecuck]

I saw N on my way into the office this morning. She was looking so good, but unfortunately she's not an option (has a partner) and I definately get the "don't go there" vibes from her.

I can't remember what I've written about this, maybe I haven't yet, but there has been some developments on the L front (but maybe not in the way you might think). About maybe 2 months ago L's mother came to the park out of the blue with L's dog!! I didn't know what to think but I was just polite, friendly, welcoming and I asked how L was doing and just passed on my best wishes for her.

About 6 weeks ago there was a young couple (also Vietnamese) come to the park. As usual I struck up a conversation (sorry but she was hotttt and it was just kinda nice to talk to her), as I do anyway with any newcomer. About 4 weeks ago she came on her own, and stood a little bit away and kept looking in my direction. It was really obvious she wanted me to approach her. So I did. I started walking towards her and then she did the same and we met half way. We chatted about the dogs etc for quite a bit. I didn't try and hit on her, I knew she was with that other guy. I think maybe her parents were there also (arrived earlier if that was them) to keep an eye out for her while she was talking to me a pretty much stranger to her.

The very next day I met a lady that maybe I could call L2 if it's not too soon to declare her as such. She walked in, dressed pretty sexy for a dog park. A shirt that split in the middle, from just below her breast the shirt opened up to tuck into her sides to show a triangle of her abs. Semi see-through white pants that later revealed she was wearing a g-string when she bent over (to a dog park!!). She walked in and made a beeline for me. She walked right up to me and basically said that we saw each other once at the park about 8 months ago ( I vaguely remember she was cute, and overly friendly with me even though she was with a guy back then. I actually remember feeling a little uncomfortable at the time with how friendly she was in front of him). She told me she was "with a friend" then, so I guess he was either an ex or they really were just friends. Basically I read into it that she was single. She asked a lot of questions and said some things that made me think she maybe had some prior knowledge of me before she came. She certainly came in with a plan to hit on me, and she didn't miss. I asked her name. It took PG (the original park girl) about 10 or 15 visits before I asked her name. For L it was about 6. So to ask her name on essentially the first visit means something I guess. I never asked the girl's name the day before.

She told me quite a few things that could be used to find her if I was so inclined. She was super friendly, hot, and we hit it off quite well I think. Stupid me didn't ask for contact details or make plans to see her again, even though I can look back now and see she was dropping a hell of a lot of hints. I think I needed to go back and reflect and confirm my suspicions as to what the situation was at home before I could proceed. Probably a huge mistake and maybe I blew it. However, the way she approached me in a public park without knowing her from squat also caused me to raise some red flags and proceed with caution. All around I think she could tell I was into her and gave enough encouragement, but I really did need to see her again before taking a next step. I probably blew it though.

2 days later that super hot girl came back and told me twice that she wasn't single and has a boyfriend (yeah I knew that), but she was very friendly. Oddly though she mentioned something about her boyfriend might want to speak with me (is he L2's brother or something?). I can only surmise she maybe knows L2 given the appearance right before and after L2. I don't really know what to make of all that. Again I never asked her name but she introduced herself and shook my hand and told me her boyfriend's name.

A week later I saw L's brother for the first time in 8 or so months and I saw L's dog again (the original L from last year). He told me that L is overseas with her boyfriend. I told him that I'm so happy for her that she's happy and doing well and there would be no awkwardness from me if she so happened to want to come back to the park one day. L's brother was there with his girlfriend, his girlfriend's sister and a group of their friends. They were all super friendly with me. They said they will come back.

2 weeks later (so that was during this last week), that same group came back, without L's brother or L's dog this time. So it was L's brother's girlfriend, her sister and friends. They were super friendly again.

Finally to last night and there was a new young Vietnamese couple who were very friendly and I couldn't help but feel had maybe come there to meet me. They had been there for 2 hours before I arrived, she pointed in my direction while I was walking to the park and seemed pretty happy to see my dog for a complete stranger, but maybe that's just the way she is. They said they'll come back again and asked what time I usually go there. They ended up staying an extra 45 minutes longer than planned to spend time with me there. Regardless of whether they know L2 or not. I had a great time and came home kind of on a high. It's always nice to meet nice friendly people.

In the meantime I've been asking around and trying to find L2 again. I have a feeling I might see her again one day soon. If I'm right in my thinking that she knows someone else that I know, then I figure if I ask around enough about her then it will get back to her somehow and she will know she has a green light to make a followup visit.

I also think it's quite possible that L2 and L know each other. I had told L that I work out a lot and used to do a lot of running. L2 based a lot of her approach on working out and asked a lot of questions about where I go running before I even mentioned anything about running. L2 described her line of work and it could very easily place her in a different department of the same company that L works at. The sudden and unexpected reappearance of L's mother, brother, brother's girlfriend and friends around this exact moment of meeting L2 kind of lends some weight to this suspicion.

I've written that I've long suspected that PG and zl know each other. L2 told me where she lives. It's right in the same area as what PG's mother told me where they live. So possible PG and L2 know each other.

I was told by L's brother that L is overseas. I was told by another lady (who I have long expected of knowing L), that she herself was going overseas with a group of people for a wedding. I'm sure that's where L is. It's entirely possible that is where L2 is also if they know each other. Maybe she came to hit on me before she left to give me somthing to think about while she's gone.

[newaussiecuck]

Sorry there was a lot in my last 2 posts to take in. You're probably like me and not sure what to make of it all.

Last night there was a new Vietnamese lady came with her 3 kids and her 16 year old dog (very old dog to be randomly coming to the park for the first time??). We chatted a little (not much) and I patted her dog for a while. I gave her a bag for her dog's poop as she didn't have one. She didn't stay long, maybe 15-20 minutes all up. She asked if we all meet up around the same time and I said yeah. Probably just a regular newcomer but I just felt like it was a coincidence maybe.

Apart from that I was feeling a bit of cold feet yesterday afternoon after my post and revealing all about L2. "wife" is being on her best behaviour last few days which is also muddying the waters in my head a bit. She's still on her phone, but I noticed she's coming to bed early etc and acting all nice and friendly. She even asked about my day at work last night (I can't remember the last time that happened).

[Long Lurker 34]

Sorry there was a lot in my last 2 posts to take in. You're probably like me and not sure what to make of it all.

Last night there was a new Vietnamese lady came with her 3 kids and her 16 year old dog (very old dog to be randomly coming to the park for the first time??). We chatted a little (not much) and I patted her dog for a while. I gave her a bag for her dog's poop as she didn't have one. She didn't stay long, maybe 15-20 minutes all up. She asked if we all meet up around the same time and I said yeah. Probably just a regular newcomer but I just felt like it was a coincidence maybe.

Apart from that I was feeling a bit of cold feet yesterday afternoon after my post and revealing all about L2. "wife" is being on her best behaviour last few days which is also muddying the waters in my head a bit. She's still on her phone, but I noticed she's coming to bed early etc and acting all nice and friendly. She even asked about my day at work last night (I can't remember the last time that happened).

NAC - Feels like a set up for her to take you down again.

[newaussiecuck]

Sorry there was a lot in my last 2 posts to take in. You're probably like me and not sure what to make of it all.

Last night there was a new Vietnamese lady came with her 3 kids and her 16 year old dog (very old dog to be randomly coming to the park for the first time??). We chatted a little (not much) and I patted her dog for a while. I gave her a bag for her dog's poop as she didn't have one. She didn't stay long, maybe 15-20 minutes all up. She asked if we all meet up around the same time and I said yeah. Probably just a regular newcomer but I just felt like it was a coincidence maybe.

Apart from that I was feeling a bit of cold feet yesterday afternoon after my post and revealing all about L2. "wife" is being on her best behaviour last few days which is also muddying the waters in my head a bit. She's still on her phone, but I noticed she's coming to bed early etc and acting all nice and friendly. She even asked about my day at work last night (I can't remember the last time that happened).

NAC - Feels like a set up for her to take you down again.

Exactly, I've been here way too many times to fall for this again. Shields are up while I enjoy some peace and quiet.

I'm feeling much better in regards to L2 now, and willing to at least dip my toe in the water and get to know her a bit if/when I see her again. I feel it's more of a when than an if. I deserve to find someone good, and if people that have gotten to know me some think that we may be well suited enough to have her come meet me then I should at least explore that a little, while keeping my wits about me of course.

[newaussiecuck]

Finally on a computer where in can type and i finally read the whole thread.

I think NAC's wife is more likely bisexual. I am bisexual, so i know how tough this can be. I have a very high libido and i think it is part of the reason being bi made sense for me. I'm not attracted to most men in the sense of looking around at them. It's more in sexual situations where the clothes come of where i am. My wife knew i was bi before we met, i admitted to her online and i don't think she ever liked it, but as long as i was loyal it didn't matter.

However in 2011, i was caught chatting inappropriately with men and women online. At that point we had been together for over 5 years and married for 2. She had me go to a psychologist, it was uncomfortable in large part becase of the male psychologist and my wife bringing up the "gay porn" aspect of things. We didn't go back , but things got better and we had a kid in 2013.

Things were much better from 2013-2020 until the pandemic struck. My anxiety for many reasons went through the roof. I was very concerned about the pandemic (2 of my friends ended up dying from covid in 2021) and when my anxiety goes through the roof, so does my libido. I was very horny and had convinced my wife to stop working. We had alot of sex and i'd bring up my hotwife sharing fantasy often.

At some point the straw broke the camels back. She told her mom, her best women friends and this guy online from her same culture. He used it against her and led her into a long affair, first emotional then physical. He lives 6 hours away in a different state but threatened to move her for her.

They would call and talk for hours.. in their native language which i'm not remotely fluent in. My wife before this rarely spoke her native language but for at least a year and half was on the phone constantly with him.

We had a horrible 2021, those 2 friends died of covid and my father also died at the end of the year (not of covid but natural causes)

As 2022 opened i started to see gradual improvements. Less time on phone, less trips away to see the affair partner. I knew it was a matter of time before it ended. In 2023 i saw one gift she got for him, and i guess there were a few times where he could have met up with her.

Finally she told me a couple of weeks ago it was over with him. We still sleep in separate bedrooms and havent had any physical contact since september 2020 when she cut me off sex

To be continued and NAC i want to talk about your specifics. Lots of similiarities.

Sorry didn't mean to ignore your post. I'd prefer to keep this thread about my situation though. God knows there's enough going on to keep track of already.

I'd encourage you to start a thread of your own and I can jump in there if I have some spare time. You'll also get a lot more views and input. My thread is very offputting for most people and a difficult read. Most people jumped off long back. I don't blame them, I would have too if I wasn't living through this nightmare.

My plan last year was to let "wife" be happy doing her own thing with her online person that was making her happy. I'd find someone for myself who would make me happy and we would go our seperate ways, both happy with an amicable split and hopefully remain somewhat friends. All indications I had at the time is that was where it was all heading.

Then she threw the spanner in the works and all hell broke loose while she did every conceivable aweful thing to keep me roped in. All the while continuing her online thing only more secretly, while blocking my exit. That's not fair!

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - Feels like a set up for her to take you down again.

Yes you were right. Last night I took my dog and her mum's dog to the park as usual before dropping her mum's dog home (a 20 minute drive each way). As I was heading out the door she says "don't be toooo long".

I got home 2 hours later, which I didn't think was too long given it was her mum's dog's last chance to enjoy the park for a while and her mum loves for me to stick around and talk and she keeps offering me food etc. She really likes me.

When I got home "wife" was in quite a mood. The hurt baby bird with broken wing routine was back. I think she staged things so that I would see her eating something to make a point that I was gone so long that she was so hungry and couldn't wait anymore to eat. I'm sure it wasn't a coincidence that I happened to arrive just as she was eating something.

I heated up our food and ate in frosty silence until with shaky voice she asked "what are YOU doing on Friday?" which is a public holiday here. Note "you" not "we". Not wanting to play into her games anymore I just shrugged "I dunno" and finished up eating before going into the office as I was due to do some work.

Today was only marginally better and I'm dreading the day off tomorrow and 3 day long weekend.

The whole incident would have been avoided had she actually come with me to visit her mum like she should have in the first place. We would have all sat down and eaten a meal together.

Also, last night was another 1am night, so the early to bed thing has finished.

[newaussiecuck]

You wrote at one point that she had suggested that you may be one of those married couples who never have sex. It's perfectly clear why she would want and suggest that, given what we know now.

Yeah, it's become pretty clear why our sex life evaporated. Around the time she started her online affair she told me to "just clean the pipes whenever you want". I was also perplexed as to why she stopped me from providing oral sex well before we pretty much stopped actual sex.This would probably be a good 6 months before she started her online affair. That still doesn't make much sense to me.

You need to ask yourself if you want to be a happy man or just a somewhat (but no really, deep down) content person who shares a house with what is basically a free rider, since apparently she doesn't want a job and, I would assume, does not contribute much in terms of economy..? I respect the fact that you have been with her for about 20 years and it's not easy to just forget about that - but, really, I feel that you have to. We only live once (for all we know) and don't spoil the rest of your life living with a person who clearly is not good or healthy for you.

I think I commented on this already but it struck a chord with me. I think I've had about enough of it all. There's much more to life than this. You're right about not wanting a job or contributing in terms of economy. Worse still is while not contributing funds she's happy to complain that were not spending money to renovate the house. I guess my feeling is that I single-handedly provided a roof over our head. If she wants a nicer roof then she can help pay for it.

Do NOT listen to your mother. She has no idea what you are really going through and you deserve much better than this! You seem to be very good at getting into contact with people. OF COURSE you can find another woman and she will ABSOLUTELY be better than what you have now. And even if you did not meet another woman, living your life as a single is clearly better than what you go through now and have done for at least the past three years. Make sure to get a hobby that involves meeting other people - you need a network and some real friends and based on how you write and the person you seem to be, that really shouldn't be a problem either.

Yeah, I stopped listening to my mum. If only she knew what I was suffering through she wouldn't have given such advice. However I guess she did know since I had told her all what was happening. She also experienced a side of my "wife" while they visited for a couple of weeks that was apparently bad enough to cause them to never visit again. That was the last time my dad came here to my house (to be fair though, it was a heck of a long drive for them). I didn't witness it so not sure what happened but I'm sure it's nothing like what I've experienced.

I'll speak about my network of friends in my next post.

[Long Lurker 34]

You wrote at one point that she had suggested that you may be one of those married couples who never have sex. It's perfectly clear why she would want and suggest that, given what we know now.

Yeah, it's become pretty clear why our sex life evaporated. Around the time she started her online affair she told me to "just clean the pipes whenever you want". I was also perplexed as to why she stopped me from providing oral sex well before we pretty much stopped actual sex.This would probably be a good 6 months before she started her online affair. That still doesn't make much sense to me.

You need to ask yourself if you want to be a happy man or just a somewhat (but no really, deep down) content person who shares a house with what is basically a free rider, since apparently she doesn't want a job and, I would assume, does not contribute much in terms of economy..? I respect the fact that you have been with her for about 20 years and it's not easy to just forget about that - but, really, I feel that you have to. We only live once (for all we know) and don't spoil the rest of your life living with a person who clearly is not good or healthy for you.

I think I commented on this already but it struck a chord with me. I think I've had about enough of it all. There's much more to life than this. You're right about not wanting a job or contributing in terms of economy. Worse still is while not contributing funds she's happy to complain that were not spending money to renovate the house. I guess my feeling is that I single-handedly provided a roof over our head. If she wants a nicer roof then she can help pay for it.

Do NOT listen to your mother. She has no idea what you are really going through and you deserve much better than this! You seem to be very good at getting into contact with people. OF COURSE you can find another woman and she will ABSOLUTELY be better than what you have now. And even if you did not meet another woman, living your life as a single is clearly better than what you go through now and have done for at least the past three years. Make sure to get a hobby that involves meeting other people - you need a network and some real friends and based on how you write and the person you seem to be, that really shouldn't be a problem either.

Yeah, I stopped listening to my mum. If only she knew what I was suffering through she wouldn't have given such advice. However I guess she did know since I had told her all what was happening. She also experienced a side of my "wife" while they visited for a couple of weeks that was apparently bad enough to cause them to never visit again. That was the last time my dad came here to my house (to be fair though, it was a heck of a long drive for them). I didn't witness it so not sure what happened but I'm sure it's nothing like what I've experienced.

I'll speak about my network of friends in my next post.

NAC - If you should, and in this remotely internet viewpoint, I think you should, get to the point of divorce, with your no fault 50-50 split, and seeing as you basically have been the primary and substantial provider of funds spend any cash at least down to the bone. And not on 'things' but on ephemeral experiences that can't be sold for a lower value that she can get a part of.

[Carlbiinchicago]

Have you looked into attachment style theory? I can’t remember if you have brought it up in this thread or not

I see alot of signs of dismissive avoidant in your wifes behavior and mine as well. That makes it difficult to resolve arguments and disagreements… they tend to pull away further

[newaussiecuck]

Whatever it is, it's abusive and needs to stop!

Friday was aweful as expected. I cooked.a nice BBQ eaten im frosty silence. I wasn't going to anything with her in that mood so I just kept myself busy to myself.

Today is just as bad, but more arrays of abusing behaviour. From cold frosty silence to nasty scowls to laying face down on the couch. Anything to lay on a guilt trip.

It's the same cycle of abuse. Be abusive, then distant and act hurt putting the blame on me. Then wait until I reach out and be sorry for my non-existant bad behaviour and all's forgiven. If I don't reach out to make up (as I'm doing now. I'm resisting) then things escalate rapidly and more and more abusive behaviour comes my way.

Even knowing all that, I can feel guilt welling up inside of me and I feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm feeling guilty that she's hurting and I'm not putting a stop to it by reaching out like she expects. I'm still resisting, but know it's going to get worse.

[newaussiecuck]

Just as I predicted, it's escalating! Another frosty dinner.

her: "What are YOU doing tomorrow?"

me: "I don't have anything planned. Is there something you want to do?"

her: "No, I'm asking you! What are YOU doing tomorrow?"

me: "nothing"

her: (big sighs etc) "Do we still have a bus pass?"

me: "yeah I think it's on my desk"

her: "I'm going to go shopping tomorrow. I need new underwear". (dripping with frosty as fuck attitude).

me: Calmly finished up my dinner letting it all wash over me like water. Wolfed it all down.

her: scowling through the rest of her dinner and only ate half of it

She was expecting this will make me crack and offer to take her to the shops like I did last year when she pulled the same stunt. Sorry, not gonna work this time.

I then went out back, did a good workout, had a shower and off to bed.

Will see if she actually goes shopping tomorrow. Either way she'll come up with another plan to try and knock me on my ass and make me crack. The really big one she pulled on me last year that I don't like to mention might get another run. That won't work either, I have a plan how to handle it this time around. If she goes for the nuclear option she might get quite a surprise and not the outcome she was expecting.

She seems pissed that we're not doing anything this long weekend. However after ruining the last two outings we had, plus new year's eve and Australia day I don't feel like doing anything with her right now.

All in all I'm trying to calmly let it all wash over and just go about my life. I just realised something. Even though it escalated I actually feel much better than I did before!

[Long Lurker 34]

Just as I predicted, it's escalating! Another frosty dinner.

her: "What are YOU doing tomorrow?"

me: "I don't have anything planned. Is there something you want to do?"

her: "No, I'm asking you! What are YOU doing tomorrow?"

me: "nothing"

her: (big sighs etc) "Do we still have a bus pass?"

me: "yeah I think it's on my desk"

her: "I'm going to go shopping tomorrow. I need new underwear". (dripping with frosty as fuck attitude).

me: Calmly finished up my dinner letting it all wash over me like water. Wolfed it all down.

her: scowling through the rest of her dinner and only ate half of it

She was expecting this will make me crack and offer to take her to the shops like I did last year when she pulled the same stunt. Sorry, not gonna work this time.

I then went out back, did a good workout, had a shower and off to bed.

Will see if she actually goes shopping tomorrow. Either way she'll come up with another plan to try and knock me on my ass and make me crack. The really big one she pulled on me last year that I don't like to mention might get another run. That won't work either, I have a plan how to handle it this time around. If she goes for the nuclear option she might get quite a surprise and not the outcome she was expecting.

She seems pissed that we're not doing anything this long weekend. However after ruining the last two outings we had, plus new year's eve and Australia day I don't feel like doing anything with her right now.

All in all I'm trying to calmly let it all wash over and just go about my life. I just realised something. Even though it escalated I actually feel much better than I did before!

NAC - !!!!

[newaussiecuck]

OK, so things are escalating very rapidly!! She asked for the pass again last night and I got it for her. As I was leaving for the park she said she'll be gone about an hour. I said ok and left.

An hour or so later while at the park I saw her about 50 meters away walking towards the park with her phone to her head. I checked my phone and it was ringing. I answered and she said the bus didn't come so walked this way. I asked if she wanted a lift and she said "no I won't dusturb you" and walked back the way she came. I stayed maybe another 15 minutes and went home.

We ate seperate lunches. I was cooking somthing but she decided she would cook her own. We only had a small bit of rice left. I had time to cook rice while my sausages were cooking but she said "you have the rice, you cooked it". So I guess we're now having separate meals and counting who cooked what.

I kept to myself and busied myself in the yard. Was working down the side and she opened the gate to tell me she was going out. She didn't say where or for how long and I just said "ok".

I just checked the cameras and she's now been gone half an hour, had her small bag on and heading in the direction of the train station (and train tracks for that matter. Her pass I gave her also works on the trains, so maybe she's catching one to the city.

She didn't make any threats or seem especially agitated. I can't stop her from going out if she wants to exert some independance and go out on her own.

This is all escalating so fast it's making my head spin. It's because I'm not giving into her or acting like it's bothering me. So she'll likely keep escalating.

If I give onto her in order to stay and continue to let her treat me this way (which seems the only option of how to stay with her), then I'm no longer a husband I'm a hostage. After all that happened last year I think I already am one.

She just got back after an hour.

[newaussiecuck]

Sorry guys but I jumped on the grenade. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do in the moment. I had to de-escalate.

Things were getting pretty crazy and then things turned verbal. She gaslighted me saying her comment about "what are YOU doing on Friday" was about my work situation and whether I was working or not.

She put all the blame on me, for not planning and organising things for us to do on the long weekend ahead of time. She told me that I control everything and that she's only allowed to make small devisions about what to have for dinner but not big decisions like renovating the house. She told me that I have to really listen to her.

She made a veiled threat like I was expecting "I somtimes feel like there's nothing to live for". She also said that I care about my dog more than her.

So long story short I reached out and hugged her and it took some convincing her but I took her out for dinner.

However I'm left feeling very not ok. It's not ok to act the way she has to force an outcome that she wants, that's abuse. It's clear that for whatever reason (and maybe we can speculate what that reason is such as what small has suggested) I don't make her happy by being myself, and she's abusing me to get me to act in a manner that she wishes. That's not ok.

I have to catch myself here: "It's clear that for whatever reason I don't make her happy by being myself". Actually, it's not my job to make her happy. You can't make a person happy, she needs to find her own happiness.

She was crying as I left for the office this morning. She's deeply troubled.

I might see if I can have that talk that small has suggested. It seems that as I have grown to be able to stand on my own 2 feet, and grown to become more masculine and appear and act more like a normal man etc, that she is having bigger and bigger problems with me. "I never thought guys like you existed, I never thought I would ever get married" as she said when we first started going out.

Actually maybe instead of or part of having the talk is to suggest counselling.

[newaussiecuck]

In terms of letting her make the big decisions, remember the week when she wanted us to save up to knock the house down and rebuild, then to go on a trip to Africa, then to put a pool in our backyard.

After what she did for all that time online and not going to the hospital or my dad's funeral etc. I don't have any confidence in her decision-making abilities. She was driving us right off the cliff, I had to grab the wheel to at least save myself.

[Carlbiinchicago]

I feel like you alot. How do you handle the lonely feeling from her ignoring you and talking to someone else online.
My wife actually spent alot of time on the phone in her native language. I have alot of friends but spent too much of my time talking about my marriage problems with them.

I don't see you mention much in the way of hobbies although you exercise alot like i do. I think staying busy is the only thing that has kept me sane.

[newaussiecuck]

I feel like you alot. How do you handle the lonely feeling from her ignoring you and talking to someone else online.
My wife actually spent alot of time on the phone in her native language. I have alot of friends but spent too much of my time talking about my marriage problems with them.

I don't see you mention much in the way of hobbies although you exercise alot like i do. I think staying busy is the only thing that has kept me sane.

At first I didn't realise what was happening. It was all so fast. Then I tried to fantasise it (like I did at the behinning of the thread), worst mistake ever. Then after my father passed and she didn't come to his funeral I decided "screw you. I'm moving on with my life, not waiting for you anymore".

I grieved for my dad. Started working out and taking care of myself. Made an effort to socialise and talk to people etc. In my mind I was a single guy, living with a flatmate. Unfortunately the flatmate was preventing me from moving on.

A lot of the issues she raised last night were basically due to me living my own life. I was forced to live that way, and don't think I can go back. She wants me close, to listen closely to her and basically just do what she says. I don't feel she's a safe person to be close to. Too toxic.

Hobbies yeah I don't have heaps but between work, dog park, working out (car maintanance is a new hobby) and general household maintenance and yard work it's mostly enough to fill in my time.

Agreed about staying busy to keep you sane. Another issue "wife" raised was basically I'm always off doing my own thing. It's all about work and the dog park etc etc. I know that if she had her way right now I'd be quitting work and stop going to the dog park (basically stop all socialising with others). That would be a death blow to me. Not going to happen.

[newaussiecuck]

Unfortunately things escalated again last night, the grenade went off anyway. I'm too tired and beat to write about it just now after zero sleep. Some veiled threats were made though.

In regards to L2, unfortunately that has also run into a dead end. I eventually managed to get in contact with someone that actually knows her. They were able to reach her via friend of a friend and speak to her. Unfortunately though, she told them that she had heard that I had been trying to find her and asking about her but she's not intetested and to tell me to stop asking for her.

It sucks, especially the timing with what is going on here at home. It would have been good to have someone nice to think about.

I guess I still suck at reading signals. With PG, L and now L2 all turning out to be misread signals. Maybe I'm just too eager for someone friendly to come along that I always read more into it than what is there.

[Small]

Yes, I think you did over-interpret their interest, but it's pretty natural considering what you're going through at home. The thing is, women can tell when a guy is desperate and they don't want that, so if you become too eager, they will back off. But it should of course also be noted that all of them had boyfriends, if I am not mistaken. If I am remembering that correct, then your odds were obviously not favorable to you from the start. Don't chase the "settled" women, it's much harder work, unless, of course, they're hotwives :-)