A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

During the last session with the psychologist he mentioned that he's noticed a pattern that when things happen that they're not talked about or resolved. He said that what happens is the list of unresolved issues grows too large until everything comes crashing down. Which I guess is what happened.

So next time when there's an incident or issue that comes up I'll make a solid good faith attempt to discuss/resolve and talk about it. Hopefully that goes well, but I guess we'll see.

[whosbeensleeping]

How are things?

[Long Lurker 34]

NAC - Your absence is unusual and a little concerning, hope all is ok.

[newaussiecuck]

Sorry for the long absense I understand a few people have been concerned (rightfully so).

I've been OK, and a few reasons for the absense.

1. I travelled for almost a week to visit my family. Wife actually came along for 12 hour drive each way trip. So that's something! There were some difficult times and low points but also some good. We did some camping while away and out of that we're planning more camping trips, so that's a positive sign. We even looked at and considered spending a large amount of money to upgrade our setup with a new caravan purchase. However we've both mutually decided to make use of what we have already got and make some small imprivements there. We may even buy an old very cheap caravan camper to restore if we can find something good.

So lots of positives there and it's good to have something nice to look forward to.

2. Things have improved enough so there's less periods of significant distress. There's still been some significant low points but they're more managable for me now and less frequent and shorter duration. Still some work to do to get these to stop.

3. I've started reading a VERY good book on boundaries and I feel this is getting to the heart of a lot of my problems. It clarifies what I'm respobsible for and what I'm not responsible for and how boundaries are there to keep the bad out while letting the good in. I have MUCH work to do in this area. I have weak to no boundaries and in the past haven't communicated to my wife my limits and things I won't put up with. I've passively accepted intolerable behaviours without clearly expressing what I will not put up with. That's on me, I can take respobsibility for that part and working to improve in this area. It's not my responsibility to fix or punish or whatever else on her side. Her actions and behaviours are on her, I'm not responsible for that. I can only communicate what I won't tolerate and the consequences if they are to continue.

4. Through reading the book on boundaries I've realised that I've been guilty of a form on triangulation. I come on here and vent my frustrations or vent to other people without raising and addressing the issues with my wife. This helps me feel better and this has been crucial to get this support and get through some very dark times. However to move forward I need to work on resolving issues cobstruciveky with my wife, instead of just venting, feeling better and then dropping the subject without ever raising it with her. Hope this makes sense.

The psychologist has also picked up on this, there's a pattern of issues arising that never get addressed.

It will take time and I'll need to take baby steps and start to raise and resolve small issues and build up my confidence and competence in this area.

In my last session with the psychologist he actually said that he thinks we can make it through together. Couples councelling is an option if we can't start to resolve things ourselves. I think we are on the right track though and can probably resolve ourselves.

In regards to boundaries, it's not up to me to change the other person. That's impossible. However I am responsible for getting my own needs met, to only accept what I'm willing to accept and only give what I'm wanting to give.

I can hope that wife responds well, but I can't control how she responds. I'm hoping (with some confidence) that she will respond well and work with me to create a mutually fulfilling relationship, where our individuality, limits and freedoms are respected and love and affection is given by choice not obligation. I feel like we're moving along well in this direction.

[whosbeensleeping]

It sounds like there is some good positive developments there.
Of course, as you say, you can't change the other person.
Hope things keep moving in a good direction.
If you feel like sharing the title of the book on boundaries, I'd be interested to know it.

Cheers,
W.

[newaussiecuck]

It sounds like there is some good positive developments there.
Of course, as you say, you can't change the other person.
Hope things keep moving in a good direction.
If you feel like sharing the title of the book on boundaries, I'd be interested to know it.

Cheers,
W.

The title is "Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

It does look at things from a Christian perspective and does have some bible references (though not over the top) in case that's not your thing, however I still highly recommend this book for everyone. It talks about boundary issues with spouse, boss, kids, mother etc etc. We've probably all received guilt trips from mothers for not visiting enough for example. This also helps deal with those kinds of situations.

I just finished my first listen and going straight into a 2nd listen.

The book has certainly helped me to realise that I'm on the right track and gives me more confidence to stick to my guns and to not take on problems that aren't my respobsibility to carrry.

As long as I tend well to areas that are my responsibility that's all that I can and should do.

On the flip side, I can also see areas where I've expected things from wife which aren't her responsibility (it goes both ways).

Already I do feel that our relationship is improving quite a lot. Still a long way to go, but signs at the moment are pretty good. In fact I did bring wife to the dog park on both Saturday and Sunday morning this last weekend. It was purely my choice without any guilt or pressure or manipulation applied. It was what I wanted in the moment and I think we both had a good time.

[whosbeensleeping]

That all sounds hopeful! Thanks for the book reference. Cheers!

[newaussiecuck]

The other book that helped me a lot is the one about "What women want when they test men". I can see some of what she does in there also and helps me realise that some of it is kinda normal.

Plus the psychologist in last session helped me realise that with wife being Asian she might have a more indirect communication style. So she's communicating indirectly and she's likely frustrated as I'm not picking up on what she's saying. Whereas I'm frustrated that she's not communicating with me. So being more aware of communication style also helps.

[newaussiecuck]

That all sounds hopeful! Thanks for the book reference. Cheers!

No problem, I hope you enjoy it!

There hasn't been any instances of bad bahaviour for over a week now (maybe 2 weeks) and I quite enjoyed this last weekend so yes things seem to be looking up!

[ResponsibullCummings]

Hoping your silence means things are going well. Please update if you can

[Carlbiinchicago]

I need to read this whole thread. I think the OPs situation is very similar to mine

[whosbeensleeping]

I echo the others in hoping you're well. How's things?

[Reprobate]

You call this an online relationship, but I would call it an emotional relationship. She's obviously getting something from the online guy that she isn't getting from you. Even in a Dom/Sub relationship, the dom will be highly concerned with sub's wellfare. IMHO, she is using the FLR to provide cover for some type of emotional affair that she is having. Being the DOM does not mean being able to do whatever you want.

Even if it really pisses her off, she needs to communicate what she is getting from this relationship online. The sad thing here is that you are into being a cuckold and get no joy from this because she won't share.

[Long Lurker 34]

You call this an online relationship, but I would call it an emotional relationship. She's obviously getting something from the online guy that she isn't getting from you. Even in a Dom/Sub relationship, the dom will be highly concerned with sub's wellfare. IMHO, she is using the FLR to provide cover for some type of emotional affair that she is having. Being the DOM does not mean being able to do whatever you want.

Even if it really pisses her off, she needs to communicate what she is getting from this relationship online. The sad thing here is that you are into being a cuckold and get no joy from this because she won't share.

R - This is all in the past, as far as I know and NAC is a much better place mentally, if you have read a good portion of the thread. Last I recall hearing from him I think was early mid summer.

[newaussiecuck]

Hoping your silence means things are going well. Please update if you can

Thank you for checking in! I am still alive and doing OK-ish and will try and give an update soon.

[newaussiecuck]

I need to read this whole thread. I think the OPs situation is very similar to mine

A lot has happened over the last few years and I hope your situation isn't a quarter as messed up as mine. I wish you all the strength and courage to face whatever you are facing.

[newaussiecuck]

I echo the others in hoping you're well. How's things?

Thank you, I will try and write an update soon.

[newaussiecuck]

You call this an online relationship, but I would call it an emotional relationship. She's obviously getting something from the online guy that she isn't getting from you. Even in a Dom/Sub relationship, the dom will be highly concerned with sub's wellfare. IMHO, she is using the FLR to provide cover for some type of emotional affair that she is having. Being the DOM does not mean being able to do whatever you want.

Even if it really pisses her off, she needs to communicate what she is getting from this relationship online. The sad thing here is that you are into being a cuckold and get no joy from this because she won't share.

Thank you for your interest and comment. I 100% agree with what you have said, however you may not have read the whole thread? A few things came to light that I have had to deal with.

In terms of not getting anything out of it, I had lost all desire for this lifestyle about 2 years before she started her online emotional affair. We briefly flirted with the idea but she told me she just wishes for a simple life with just the 2 of us. I quickly realised she was right and dropped all thoughts of pursuing this lifestyle.

Her activities were of her own choosing. After she started, I tried to re-kindle desire for this kind of lifestyle in order to be able to live with what was going on, but I wasn't successful and my attempts probably did a lot of damage to my well-being.

[newaussiecuck]

You call this an online relationship, but I would call it an emotional relationship. She's obviously getting something from the online guy that she isn't getting from you. Even in a Dom/Sub relationship, the dom will be highly concerned with sub's wellfare. IMHO, she is using the FLR to provide cover for some type of emotional affair that she is having. Being the DOM does not mean being able to do whatever you want.

Even if it really pisses her off, she needs to communicate what she is getting from this relationship online. The sad thing here is that you are into being a cuckold and get no joy from this because she won't share.

R - This is all in the past, as far as I know and NAC is a much better place mentally, if you have read a good portion of the thread. Last I recall hearing from him I think was early mid summer.

Yes, I'm definitely in a much better place mentally. I feel much stronger now, both physically and mentally. I still have many challenges though.

[Long Lurker 34]

You call this an online relationship, but I would call it an emotional relationship. She's obviously getting something from the online guy that she isn't getting from you. Even in a Dom/Sub relationship, the dom will be highly concerned with sub's wellfare. IMHO, she is using the FLR to provide cover for some type of emotional affair that she is having. Being the DOM does not mean being able to do whatever you want.

Even if it really pisses her off, she needs to communicate what she is getting from this relationship online. The sad thing here is that you are into being a cuckold and get no joy from this because she won't share.

R - This is all in the past, as far as I know and NAC is a much better place mentally, if you have read a good portion of the thread. Last I recall hearing from him I think was early mid summer.

Yes, I'm definitely in a much better place mentally. I feel much stronger now, both physically and mentally. I still have many challenges though.

NAC - Good to know things are still going well and I have no doubt you will overcome those new challenges as well as those you already have done.

[newaussiecuck]

I've been thinking of what to write for an update, and finally finished a couple of weeks ago. Have been deciding on whether I should post it or not. A bit overwhealming thinking of everything that's happened since I last wrote an update. There's been a few things happen recently of note since I wrote this, will try and get to it soon.

One of the worst was a camping trip we took. Everything was going great until I made the mistake of asking why she needed her headphones when we were in bed and had just said our goodnights. That simple question, lets just say it wasn't well received and lead to one of the worst nights of my life.

I was told she'll never go camping with me again and she told me she won't help me with packing up. True to her word she made me pack up everything next morning on my own (which I did crying the whole time, being made to feel like everything was over). I think she was hoping I would fail and need her help. I didn't and did it all myself. Drove home in silence (more crying from me while driving). I was made to feel the next 3 days like we'd broken up. She wouldn't eat a meal with me even.

So I guess I've learned to never question her phone use again (of which there's plenty btw). I feel like she's back or still is communicating with that same person, but she's much more discreet and careful. At least not having it rubbed in my face so much makes it easier to believe it's not happening. Sometimes I even believe it. She hasn't touched her computer since April, and nothing's been said about it.

We have been camping since then though, I think it was only a few weeks later and things are mostly ok now, I just have to tread lightly and avoid the many tripwires.

The worst is the projection and double standards. Any time I pick up my phone I'm questioned on what I'm doing (almost accusingly) but I can't ask the same in return. For example the other day I was working from home in my office. She came in and saw my phone open on my desk. It wasn't unlocked and switched on but the case was open from when I had used it half hour earlier to enter my 2 factor authentication. I can't log into my work's computers without my phone. She asked "What are you doing???" in an accusing tone. My answer "Ummmm working".

In general she seems to dislike anytime I pick up my phone, and seems very quick to suggests things I could go and do instead.

She's back to mostly coming to bed way later than me. Last night was 1am, but mostly it's around midnight. Ostensibly she's watching tv, but she'll occasionally come in to check on me. I just know it's because she's up to no good and checking what I'm up to. Maybe it assuages her guilt.

I'm still going to the park mostly alone but she has been a couple of times. Things flip between being accused of staying there too long, and other times I'm asked why I'm back so soon. There's times she's even encouraged me to go, other times she's seemed annoyed when I've gone. She's never gone once when I've asked to come but she did invite herself once so I took her along. A lot of flip flopping and seemingly wanting the opposite of whatever I'm doing. As the psychologist once told me, "Isn't it amazing how no matter what you choose, you always choose wrong. How unlucky can you be?". I haven't seen the psychologist for a few months either. He hurt himself and had surgery and had to cancel my last appointment. I haven't rescheduled another one. I probably should, he's tried to contact me a few times.

I haven't seen L since, so that's probably 7 or 8 months or so now. I did see her mum once just a few weeks ago. I do feel like I've seen quite a few people that know her in that time though. I can't say whether I want to see her again or not. I did get quite a shock to see her mum and her dog though. Her mum didn't say much, but did show me a photo of a birthday cake they had made for L's dog's 1st birthday recently. I do feel like I will see her again at some point somehow. Her mum didn't say much but I can't help but think her visit wasn't an accident. Not really sure what I would say if I do see her.

I don't want this update to sound all bad though because it isn't. Things have mostly been stable and we've enjoyed quite a few good times. We're still together and still share the same bed. Hugs, cuddles kisses etc but pretty much no sex (only twice in more than a year and last time would have been 2 or 3 months ago now).

I do still love her and hope things can return to how they were, but along the way I do find myself blindsided by some confusing and unexpected behaviour, some of it very hurtful and unnecessary. For example I recently had to buy a new 2nd hand car (similar to what I had before). Since then, instead of just allowing me to enjoy it she feels the need to point out other colours of the same type of car. Or mention other types of cars I could have bought instead. This despite asking for her input into what sort of car I was buying, which she declined to do making me choose. Only after choosing and bringing the car home does she make these sorts of comments. It feels like it's targetted to undermine the enjoyment I get from driving it. I really don't understand why she would need to do this. Can't she just be happy for me that I enjoy driving the car I bought?

(Edit: This aspect has changed the last few days since I've written the majority of this update. She seems to have changed tactic and now asks if I enjoy driving the car. Giving the impression that she's happy that I'm happy with it. Since it's so contradictory to her earlier approach it's really hard to ascertain what is real in terms of her feeling. Everything feels like a projection and a fascade that can shift and change ).



I've been keeping myself busy with learning a new hobby. I'm doing my own car maitenance as much as I can! I enjoy learning a new skill and it makes me feel more competant and confident. In the last month I've changed the air filter, changed the oil and oil filter. I fixed the brakes that had developed a squeal under light braking. They're quiet as a mouse now. I've also gone and changed the fuel filter and last weekend took off the turbo intercooler and gave it a good clean. Getting a few things done.

(Edit2: This all changed again and she started ragging on the car again and picking out faults with it. She's also made comments like "I hope it's safe to drive the car. Did you leave out any spare parts?" On general just anything she could think of to say in order to shed doubts on my abilities and show a lack of confidence in me.)

(Edit 3: She's now back to being nice and told me she's washed some rags she found so that I can use them when working on the car).

[newaussiecuck]

There's been a bit to update of late.

1. For her Xmas present I ordered her something she wanted (without telling her) but then got notified it won't ship until January. I quickly bought her a Soda Stream machine since she was asking for one all year, maybe a half dozen times. I kept saying we didn't need one. I thought that would be a good present, somthing she wanted since we already have what we need.

Night before Xmas I wrapped it and put it under the tree along with a socket spanner set I'd bought for myself a couple of weeks earlier since I needed it for the car. I correctly assumed she didn't buy me a present so I said she could give me that as my present.

When it came to open the present it wasn't as well received as I was hoping. She was OK with it, but made comments such as "You would use it more than me" insinuating that I just bought it for myself. Aaaargh, at least I bought her somthing!

As for my present, she actually said "You've already used that one. You should have bought something that you haven't used yet". Hmmm, how about you buy me a present instead of me having to buy myself one. That would be even better.


2. I wanted to go see my sister and mum after Xmas, but decided to stay as there were plans to catch up with wife's friends who are also my friends now. Unfortunately that got cancelled last minute. Wife said that we can still go for lunch, just the two of us. I said that would be great.

When it was near time to go, she asked if we could go for dinner instead. I said sure that would be fine. Again when it was near time to go she asked if we could go for lunch tomorrow instead. Again I said sure, having nothing planned myself.

Next morning, she said to take the dogs to the park and then we'll go when I get back. She said "Maybe we'll make it brunch" and I said sure.

I got home and the weather had turned and we waited half hour trying to decide whether to still go. In the end I decided we should still go and off we went. On the way she started picking faults with the car for no reason, but I didn't bite. Then when almost there she said "You know it's 12pm, this was supposed to be brunch!!" I simply said "We can make it lunch then". That was it, I could see the physical change and sense the mood turn sour.

We ate lunch in stony silence, she was far off offering just short 1 word responses. It was really aweful. This continued until after lunch the next day which just happened to be New Year's Eve. She pulled herself around and we had a semi ok New Years albeit quiet.

3. After going to bed New Year's eve, her mum's dog that we're looking after got the runs and kept needing to go out to use the yard, which means getting to take her outside and washing her bum since its a bit messy. We took turns and after a couple of trips wife cracked it. She started yelling at the dog to stay in bed. When it kept getting up she'd yell at it to get back to bed. Wife then jumped out of bed and shut the bedroom door to lock the dog inside the bedroom.

I was dismayed and saw a look of panick in the poor dog's eyes. It had the runs, was desperate to go outside but instead got locked in our bedroom and was getting yelled at. I jumped out of bed, took the poor dog outside and could hear her diarrhoea from 10 meters away. Right after that she vomited emptying out her stomach. Poor dog REALLY had to go outside in a hurry.

(This incident reminded me of what I wrote about a few months back, where I speculated that wife might have hurt my dog's leg. The dog was fine when she jumped up on the couch but was limping when she got back down which continued for a day or two after. Couple of days after I simply said "Watch her leg" and she gave a very over the top reaction, grabbing her things and storming off into the bedroom. Either the dog hurt herself jumping up or down from the lounge which hadn't happened before or since or . . . . . ).

Next morning wife was frosty as hell again and was determined to vacuum and clean the entire house while complaining of a sore back but carried on anyway. This was New Year's day, a time to rest and celebrate. It wasn't a whole lot of fun for me.

So basically my New Year celebrations were ruined, and I guess Xmas wasn't perfect either.

[newaussiecuck]

I saw L's dog again tonight. This time it was her brother and his girlfriend who brought her. I asked him how L was doing and he said they don't talk that much (typical brother) but that she's overseas with her boyfriend at the moment. I told him to let her know that she can come by sometime if she likes, that it's all good and that I'm really happy for her that she's doing well. He was there with his girlfriend and her sister. It was a good night, everyone got along well and they said they'll be back often.

It was really nice weather so a lot of people there hanging out and enjoying the weather. I was probably there half hour longer than usual (I wanted to stay longer) and then went and got dinner. Wife was making a bit of a deal about me being late, but it ended up being ok.

[Long Lurker 34]

There's been a bit to update of late.

1. For her Xmas present I ordered her something she wanted (without telling her) but then got notified it won't ship until January. I quickly bought her a Soda Stream machine since she was asking for one all year, maybe a half dozen times. I kept saying we didn't need one. I thought that would be a good present, somthing she wanted since we already have what we need.

Night before Xmas I wrapped it and put it under the tree along with a socket spanner set I'd bought for myself a couple of weeks earlier since I needed it for the car. I correctly assumed she didn't buy me a present so I said she could give me that as my present.

When it came to open the present it wasn't as well received as I was hoping. She was OK with it, but made comments such as "You would use it more than me" insinuating that I just bought it for myself. Aaaargh, at least I bought her somthing!

As for my present, she actually said "You've already used that one. You should have bought something that you haven't used yet". Hmmm, how about you buy me a present instead of me having to buy myself one. That would be even better.


2. I wanted to go see my sister and mum after Xmas, but decided to stay as there were plans to catch up with wife's friends who are also my friends now. Unfortunately that got cancelled last minute. Wife said that we can still go for lunch, just the two of us. I said that would be great.

When it was near time to go, she asked if we could go for dinner instead. I said sure that would be fine. Again when it was near time to go she asked if we could go for lunch tomorrow instead. Again I said sure, having nothing planned myself.

Next morning, she said to take the dogs to the park and then we'll go when I get back. She said "Maybe we'll make it brunch" and I said sure.

I got home and the weather had turned and we waited half hour trying to decide whether to still go. In the end I decided we should still go and off we went. On the way she started picking faults with the car for no reason, but I didn't bite. Then when almost there she said "You know it's 12pm, this was supposed to be brunch!!" I simply said "We can make it lunch then". That was it, I could see the physical change and sense the mood turn sour.

We ate lunch in stony silence, she was far off offering just short 1 word responses. It was really aweful. This continued until after lunch the next day which just happened to be New Year's Eve. She pulled herself around and we had a semi ok New Years albeit quiet.

3. After going to bed New Year's eve, her mum's dog that we're looking after got the runs and kept needing to go out to use the yard, which means getting to take her outside and washing her bum since its a bit messy. We took turns and after a couple of trips wife cracked it. She started yelling at the dog to stay in bed. When it kept getting up she'd yell at it to get back to bed. Wife then jumped out of bed and shut the bedroom door to lock the dog inside the bedroom.

I was dismayed and saw a look of panick in the poor dog's eyes. It had the runs, was desperate to go outside but instead got locked in our bedroom and was getting yelled at. I jumped out of bed, took the poor dog outside and could hear her diarrhoea from 10 meters away. Right after that she vomited emptying out her stomach. Poor dog REALLY had to go outside in a hurry.

(This incident reminded me of what I wrote about a few months back, where I speculated that wife might have hurt my dog's leg. The dog was fine when she jumped up on the couch but was limping when she got back down which continued for a day or two after. Couple of days after I simply said "Watch her leg" and she gave a very over the top reaction, grabbing her things and storming off into the bedroom. Either the dog hurt herself jumping up or down from the lounge which hadn't happened before or since or . . . . . ).

Next morning wife was frosty as hell again and was determined to vacuum and clean the entire house while complaining of a sore back but carried on anyway. This was New Year's day, a time to rest and celebrate. It wasn't a whole lot of fun for me.

So basically my New Year celebrations were ruined, and I guess Xmas wasn't perfect either.

NAC - Breathe, man. Breathe.
- Go to the gym. Long walks, with or without the dog.
- Talk with people who are not your wife.

[newaussiecuck]

Yep, doing all 3.

Wife just made a very obvious move to get me out of the house for a bit. I had to go pick something up from a shop but it wasn't ready yet. Was doing a few things and was then planning to go. She came out about 4 or 5 times within about 10 minutes suggesting I go now, She was being very obvious and kind of insistant about it. I can only imagine what she's doing when I'm gone! There was PLENTY of time to get it on my schedule. I've been and picked it up and returned home and shop is still open for another 2 hours.