If you asked her to stop, would she?

[Des 31]

I'm not sure why no one has stated the obvious. This is a discussion that should have happened BEFORE opening a marriage/relationship. It should have been weighed against the pros and cons of opening. If there was doubt either way, then that's the first sign that maybe this lifestyle isn't for you, and staying in the fantasy world is.

I absolutely agree with that. Fantasy should often remain just that. Unfortunately some just aren't as self-aware as they need to be or think they are.
I always take it for granted that discussions took place. To what degree and how much candor was involved is a variable of course. One fact is that as the saying goes.....'you don't know what you don't know'. You discuss hypotheticals and be as prepared as you think possible but real life has a tendency to throw curve balls at plans.

I think you're both right. About a year's time passed before my wife was sufficiently confident and eager to go through with it. I often told her during that time that if she or I found it to be any sort of problem, either of us could just tell the other this wasn't for us. I'm sure that's part of the discussion between most husbands and wives when it's being considered or discussed anyway.

She has since mentioned at times that she would quit if I wanted her but adds that it would be difficult for her now that it has become a rather normal part of our lives and enriched our marital relationship. I also like it the way it is, so that's an unlikely outcome.

~ Des

[Bent_n_Twisted]

Our 'arrangement' is predicated on her being 'in control', regardless of what I might or might not want and in spite of any objections I might have, and my having no means to prevent her from doing whatever she wants to do. In fact, it is implicitly stated that any implied or expressed objections on my part should be ignored and she should proceed to do as she pleases anyway, using any means necessary to compel me to go along with it or perform/participate as she desires. Any 'objections' on my part are to be considered a 'challenge' to do it anyway (if she wants to).

So, if I were to 'ask' her to stop I would not expect her to, or want her to stop. If she were to stop, it would break the whole scenario. This is probably too extreme for some people, but it works for us.

[desertsub]

And, let's not hang it all on the often-cited answer.........she started because he wanted it. At some point, she's doing it as much for herself as him.

This is very true for us! My wife was very promiscuous before I married her, even fucking another guy for two months before we got married. It was about two years into our marriage when she started to cuckold me and it was because I encouraged her. Even though we had done some swinging, she felt that doing so was a fair way of doing things, and I had to push to get her to actually cuckold me.

She is definitely doing it as much for herself, probably more than she does it for me. I have told her that I would love for her to find a dominant lover and have me submit to both of them, but that is not her style of cuckolding me. She likes the variety and she does one night stands or meets with a guy a few times if he's really good, and then moves on. She is doing it the way she enjoys it, not exactly the way I would want her to. I have voiced my preference and left it at that, since I am submissive to her I don't really have a say in how she goes about it.

We have talked about it in the past (it's been a while though) and she says she would stop if I really wanted her to. The thing is, we know that both of us would be unhappy if it came to that and our sex life would suffer terribly. I could never see myself taking this away from her for much of any reason and seriously doubt there would be any reason to ask her to stop.

[Tryagain]

I think many on this site have self-identified as hotwives but have confused it with the term "polyamorist”.

A Hotwife is a married woman who has sexual relationships outside of her marriage, with the full knowledge and consent of her husband.

A Polyamorist is someone having more than one open intimate/romantic relationship at a time.

Most of the hotwife responses on this site which indicate a very strong opinion that it would not be fair for the husband to object to a continuation of this lifestyle are not really hotwives but rather polyamorists. Why?

Because when wives go on dinner dates, vacations, movies, weekends away, and extended periods of non-sexual time with their boyfriends, they are developing romantic relationships. It is no longer just about sex.

Because they have “love” interests, they have more to lose than just sex. They are giving up a larger part of their social and love lives. If this was just about sex, and the husband was no longer interested in or capable of enjoying this sexual thrill, it seems reasonable for him to make this request and for the loving wife to meet this request. After all, this is just sex, right? And he can give you sex, right?

But can he supply the “feelings” ? Has the intensity of the “feelings” between you diminished to the extent that the feelings must be obtained through others? “Feelings” – for others - may indeed be more important than sex. Perhaps they are the primary driver for many “hotwives’” pursuit of this lifestyle because that is something they are missing – not sex.

Note sex educator Dr. Mary Calderone’s well-known conclusion “men play at love to get sex but women play at sex to get love.”

Perhaps the self-identified term hotwife is sexier to adopt, and it is also easier to indicate that admitting the reluctance to ‘stop” is because you are now a “hotwife” who likes a lot of sex, as compared to a wife who wants/needs other romantic, intimate relationships to supply “feelings” that are missing.

[desertsub]

Perhaps the self-identified term hotwife is sexier to adopt, and it is also easier to indicate that admitting the reluctance to ‘stop” is because you are now a “hotwife” who likes a lot of sex, as compared to a wife who wants/needs other romantic, intimate relationships to supply “feelings” that are missing.

Well, my wife is definitely a hotwife then. As I said in my previous post, she does it purely for the pleasure she gets out of it. She wants nothing to do with any kind of long term realationship, and sticks to short term and one night stands. She says that when she is with another guy it is just fucking, there is no real emotional feelings for her other than the enjoyment of getting well fucked.

[Filou]

Interesting turn in the discussion, but I do not think it has much to do with the original question.
I think it important that women like and enjoy their lifestyle even it is was their partner who initially introduced it to them. And if they enjoy it it is only natural that they would miss it. The question was was "would they stop if you asked for it" - even thought they might miss it...

[Newcuck614]

I think many on this site have self-identified as hotwives but have confused it with the term "polyamorist”.

A Hotwife is a married woman who has sexual relationships outside of her marriage, with the full knowledge and consent of her husband.

A Polyamorist is someone having more than one open intimate/romantic relationship at a time.

Most of the hotwife responses on this site which indicate a very strong opinion that it would not be fair for the husband to object to a continuation of this lifestyle are not really hotwives but rather polyamorists. Why?

Because when wives go on dinner dates, vacations, movies, weekends away, and extended periods of non-sexual time with their boyfriends, they are developing romantic relationships. It is no longer just about sex.

Because they have “love” interests, they have more to lose than just sex. They are giving up a larger part of their social and love lives. If this was just about sex, and the husband was no longer interested in or capable of enjoying this sexual thrill, it seems reasonable for him to make this request and for the loving wife to meet this request. After all, this is just sex, right? And he can give you sex, right?

But can he supply the “feelings” ? Has the intensity of the “feelings” between you diminished to the extent that the feelings must be obtained through others? “Feelings” – for others - may indeed be more important than sex. Perhaps they are the primary driver for many “hotwives’” pursuit of this lifestyle because that is something they are missing – not sex.

Note sex educator Dr. Mary Calderone’s well-known conclusion “men play at love to get sex but women play at sex to get love.”

Perhaps the self-identified term hotwife is sexier to adopt, and it is also easier to indicate that admitting the reluctance to ‘stop” is because you are now a “hotwife” who likes a lot of sex, as compared to a wife who wants/needs other romantic, intimate relationships to supply “feelings” that are missing.

A "hotwife" is a non monogamous wife while her husband remains faithful. The quantity of sex does not define a hotwife. Polyamory is a relationship style with many facets to it. My wife is a hotwife. But she has close intimate, dating relationships with her bull and will only date one man at a time. We are also considered to be polyamorous because of this style that works for us. But being poly isn't a "role". Being a hotwife or cuck are roles.

[Tryagain]

The main point I was making is not related to what the proper definitions are but that those wives who have trouble giving things up are those who want romantic relationships - not just sex.

So in your case, for example, your wife would fight more to give things up than wives who just want sex.

[cuckcouple]

I am thinking no. I know she loves me and I love her, but this all started because she was disappointed in the bedroom, but wanted to stay married. If I wanted her to stop then I would be asking her to give up sex entirely and I don't see that being an option for her.

[ucaneffher]

Let's not get into the whole 'property' or who tells who to do what thing. This is about mutual agreement and consent. This doesn't work unless both parties are fully on board.

So, regardless of previous consent and agreement, if one party decides they no longer want to do it, how does the other react?

Crossposting in the other section to get both sets of opinions.

When the girlfriend and I were transitioning from her sleeping around with a bunch of men to simply just having one boyfriend whom she could fall for fully , she was real hesitant of falling in love or giving herself without limits to another man. She was afraid that I would get jealous or hurt and did not want to do that. I promised her that I would be okay and encouraged her to let herself go. Gave her the green light to move forward with him as much or as little as she wanted as long as I was around in the picture.

She was still hesitant but feeling better about my approval and encouragement. She did however question me about those times
I'd get very jealous, frustrated, and crabby when she would pick other men before me, how would it be different if it would actually be intensifying even more if she was planning on giving herself on a deeper level to another man?

Long story short, I told her that I wanted it like that. Told her that despite me displaying jealousy or sometimes getting a little irritated or crabby that she would cancel plans to go be with him or similar, that I liked the jealousy and wanted it that way. She didn't understand and told me she didn't want to hurt me. I explained that I really wanted her to keep pushing forward and not worry about me.

That night in bed, I made her promise that she would not hold back regardless of how jealous or crabby I became and that she would continue dating him and letting their relationship grow. That night she promised me she would not hold back like she had been and told me she would be giving herself to him without restrictions and the fear of hurting me and would let things happen organically. We made passionate love to celebrate our conversation and decision.

She held her end of the deal. I watched my girlfriend in love and belonging to another man for over two years. While she was all his, she also held her promise by keeping me around. We still had sex from time to time and still told me she loved me but we no longer lived together and she spent more time with him. Went on vacations with him, went to holiday parties with him, took him to weddings and parties instead of me. Anyway... I was the one who failed to keep my end of the deal. I was the one who after two years could not handle seeing her being now mostly his.

After being with her boyfriend for two full years and having been lovers for years before that, I broke down and asked her to leave him. At first she asked me for time to think about it. Months later I brought it up again and she said just a few more days/week. And finally the third time, I sat her down and she told me it just wasnt enough time and she wanted more time. She was crying and told me she loved him and enjoyed being his girlfriend. She told me that she did what I wanted, told me that she gave herself fully to him mind body and soul just how i told her to not hold back.
She was upset that I wasnt keeping my end of the deal now that I saw her telling him that she loves him, giving her body to him more exclusively, and just overall being more his than mine. At the end of that night, she wasn't able to agree to leave him. She wanted to stay with me and with him. I broke down and could no longer handle seeing her like that so I walked away. That has been one of the biggest regrets that I have. I wish I would have just sucked it up instead of panicking and leaving her. Sadly, I keep reliving this scenario and wanting to retry in efforts to relive it in a more successful manner where I can fully handle being her number two.

For those who didn't want to read. She was not able to stop.

[R_H_NC]

Thanks ucaneffher. Your story, shared here previously is sobering. I would guess that the same (or close to the same) scenario has played out many times for countless couples in the lifestyle. We have seen that documented here on OHW and suspected in cases where the OP ghosts after revealing some troubling developments. Those cases always sadden me. More than a little.

This exact question was asked in the Hotwife forum and has descended into a dumpster fire with some members aggressively defending their particular way of living the lifestyle, while assuming that any other opinion is somehow an attack on them or their marriage.

Frankly, I would have thought that more likely here where some of the more extreme practices of the lifestyle are described and supported.

It is just the basest of common sense that not everyone is going to agree with how you and your SO live the lifestyle. You should be able to disagree without being judgmental. You should be able to read of the disagreement without being defensive.

When I first read the question, my first thought was......."some or many wives are going to say they would refuse to stop". They are greatly enjoying the lifestyle, and why shouldn't they? They're experiencing all kinds of sex with all kinds of men, different cocks, different ways. In many cases, experiencing the incredible aspects of love and deep feelings, often without a lot of the less attractive burdens that is called a marriage.

A few minutes later I realized two things. One that the answer that they wouldn't stop would not sit well with some and two, that some wives (and as it turns out, some husbands) would get defensive and go aggressive, turning things around.

Both those things happened, at least on the other forum. It's an emotional issue. As I have said, we have read about the disastrous results in some marriages right here, often because of exactly the situation the OP asked about.

Frankly, I appreciate the question. If it got people thinking, it's a positive result.

[thephoenix]

No she won’t stop, she told me so

[Loserpaul]

Our relationship is based on the fact that she is in control. She won't stop seeing bulls & has made that absolutely clear.

[castman45]

One, I wouldn’t ask her, and two, she’s so in charge of our sex life that even if I did, she would just shrug it off and keep having boyfriend sex. She loves it too much, the excitement of cheating sex and her control over me.

[Dirk the cuckold]

I have no doubts that if I asked her she would stop. When we first started this lifestyle years ago she told me she was going to stop because she thought she was hurting me. I had to convince her that "angst" was all part of being a cuckold and not necessarily a bad thing. So yes I no she would stop. I have thought about asking to a few times. But I don't think I ever will. This is a lifestyle that I know makes her happy. Makes her feel confident and sexy. I can't take that away from her. I love her too much to do that.

[Des 31]

I have no doubts that if I asked her she would stop. When we first started this lifestyle years ago she told me she was going to stop because she thought she was hurting me. I had to convince her that "angst" was all part of being a cuckold and not necessarily a bad thing. So yes I no she would stop. I have thought about asking to a few times. But I don't think I ever will. This is a lifestyle that I know makes her happy. Makes her feel confident and sexy. I can't take that away from her. I love her too much to do that.

My 35-year-old wife says it would be difficult. I don't really want her to quit but did ask once out of curiosity. She no longer considers herself a monogamous woman, which has come about over the past seven years of sex with other men at my encouragement (and now, more accurately, approval). My asking her to do that at this point in our lives would be a very big "ask."

I admittedly didn't realize at the time I first suggested she should date other men that the reality is far different from my then-fantasies. That's something wannabes should seriously consider if they aren't sure they will be able to handle the realization that her personality and unrealized needs will be radically changed from that of a monogamous wife.

~ Des

[Dirk the cuckold]

I have no doubts that if I asked her she would stop. When we first started this lifestyle years ago she told me she was going to stop because she thought she was hurting me. I had to convince her that "angst" was all part of being a cuckold and not necessarily a bad thing. So yes I no she would stop. I have thought about asking to a few times. But I don't think I ever will. This is a lifestyle that I know makes her happy. Makes her feel confident and sexy. I can't take that away from her. I love her too much to do that.

My 35-year-old wife says it would be difficult. I don't really want her to quit but did ask once out of curiosity. She no longer considers herself a monogamous woman, which has come about over the past seven years of sex with other men at my encouragement (and now, more accurately, approval). My asking her to do that at this point in our lives would be a very big "ask."

I admittedly didn't realize at the time I first suggested she should date other men that the reality is far different from my then-fantasies. That's something wannabes should seriously consider if they aren't sure they will be able to handle the realization that her personality and unrealized needs will be radically changed from that of a monogamous wife.

~ Des

You are 100 percent right. The porn cuckold fantasy isn't what the reality turns out to be a lot of the time. It's almost a second job for my wife looking for lovers. Of course my wife isn't your normal hotwife, it isn't just about sex for her, The guy has to bring more to the table then just a good fuck. And most of the guys she finds wants NOTHING to do with me being present while they are together. Most of the time she is playing at our house while I am working, or she plays at the guy's house, or she is at a motel. Aside from a couple of times our relationship is far from the cuckold porn senarios.

[Des 31]

You are 100 percent right. The porn cuckold fantasy isn't what the reality turns out to be a lot of the time. It's almost a second job for my wife looking for lovers. Of course my wife isn't your normal hotwife, it isn't just about sex for her, The guy has to bring more to the table then just a good fuck. And most of the guys she finds wants NOTHING to do with me being present while they are together. Most of the time she is playing at our house while I am working, or she plays at the guy's house, or she is at a motel. Aside from a couple of times our relationship is far from the cuckold porn senarios.

Yep. I hear all you're saying. The made-up porn versions have little to do with this way of life as it actually is. But I wouldn't want to change the way it has come about. Thanks for better clarifying that for any who haven't lived it. My wife and most of her men, as in your experience, prefer I not be in the same room either.

~ Des

[Littlebeau]

She may or may not but IMHO it’s not a fair question. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it’s unreasonable to expect to put it back in. Why? Because to agree to open the bottle, it requires an emotional openness for the woman, a willingness to allow herself to be intimate with another man. Once that happens,
She should not be expected to be able to “unsee” what she saw. This is not like buying shoes of the wrong size and then returning or exchanging them. You can have some rules or guidelines, but you better be sure from the beginning that the idea itself is acceptable.

Like your answer. It also depends on the situation since I enjoy her exploring her sexuality, it adds so much to our sex life. We married when she was very young in college and never had sex before me, not until this friend of ours which I wanted her to enjoy her sexuality with other men.
She has told me NO twice. The first time was when we first started. She had asked if she could keep flirting with this guy we have known for some time an I said ok because she was so excited. Later we went to a concert with him and his date where they nasty danced together and he raised her short skirt up an rubbed his cock on her pantied pussy. After that she really had the hots for him an told me she was going to see him. I said I didn't want her to go but she told me that I started this and she wasn’t going to stop now. I felt angst but accepted her choice and reasoning.
The second time she had went to see him where they fucked twice as he always could come in her two times. When we next had sex I had a bad performance time and she told me she was going back to see him. I told her I didn’t want him cumming in her twice again until I could reclaim her myself. Well, she flat out told me no I gave you your chance now I am going!

[Littlebeau]

I have no doubts that if I asked her she would stop. When we first started this lifestyle years ago she told me she was going to stop because she thought she was hurting me. I had to convince her that "angst" was all part of being a cuckold and not necessarily a bad thing. So yes I no she would stop. I have thought about asking to a few times. But I don't think I ever will. This is a lifestyle that I know makes her happy. Makes her feel confident and sexy. I can't take that away from her. I love her too much to do that.

My 35-year-old wife says it would be difficult. I don't really want her to quit but did ask once out of curiosity. She no longer considers herself a monogamous woman, which has come about over the past seven years of sex with other men at my encouragement (and now, more accurately, approval). My asking her to do that at this point in our lives would be a very big "ask."

I admittedly didn't realize at the time I first suggested she should date other men that the reality is far different from my then-fantasies. That's something wannabes should seriously consider if they aren't sure they will be able to handle the realization that her personality and unrealized needs will be radically changed from that of a monogamous wife.

~ Des

You are 100 percent right. The porn cuckold fantasy isn't what the reality turns out to be a lot of the time. It's almost a second job for my wife looking for lovers. Of course my wife isn't your normal hotwife, it isn't just about sex for her, The guy has to bring more to the table then just a good fuck. And most of the guys she finds wants NOTHING to do with me being present while they are together. Most of the time she is playing at our house while I am working, or she plays at the guy's house, or she is at a motel. Aside from a couple of times our relationship is far from the cuckold porn senarios.

So true. I just luv having a young attractive slut wife. She makes sex with her so exciting. Others know how she can be slutty an accept it because she is such a sweet and thoughtful person. Everyone likes my wife.

[stag611]

My gf would definitely stop seeing her lover if I asked her to, but it would be terrible for both of us. She's far too in love with him and I also love watching their relationship blossom. Plus we're long distance so it'd suck if she got nothing from either of us. He's also opened her up a lot more and who am I to deny such fun!

[bob44044]

Of course she would, we both respect the marriage more than the sex. The marriage should never take backseat. If it does something is wrong.

[Ares]

Why would you ask that she stop, especially in cases where you're the one who asked her to start (in most cases)? Or perhaps you'd like to completely control your wife's body and who she sleeps with? Typical scenario:

Please fuck other men.
I don't want to.
Oh please oh please oh please?
OK, fine, to make you happy, I'll do it. OMG, you were right, the sex is knock-my-socks-off fantastic!
Oh, wait, now I'm a jealous little twit, please stop fucking other guys.
But ... but ... I love you so much but I'm having orgasms like never before, can't we keep going?
No, I'm such a wimpy little jealous boy, I want to stop this. I've convinced you to endanger your body, your social status, and take another guys cock inside of you while I didn't have any physical risks at all. Now I demand that we stop. Isn't this "team sport" of mine just grand?

So ... short answer ... NO! But, for me personally, there have been times that I've stopped due to husbands health or special circumstances.

[R_H_NC]

Why would you ask that she stop, especially in cases where you're the one who asked her to start (in most cases)? Or perhaps you'd like to completely control your wife's body and who she sleeps with? Typical scenario:

Please fuck other men.
I don't want to.
Oh please oh please oh please?
OK, fine, to make you happy, I'll do it. OMG, you were right, the sex is knock-my-socks-off fantastic!
Oh, wait, now I'm a jealous little twit, please stop fucking other guys.
But ... but ... I love you so much but I'm having orgasms like never before, can't we keep going?
No, I'm such a wimpy little jealous boy, I want to stop this. I've convinced you to endanger your body, your social status, and take another guys cock inside of you while I didn't have any physical risks at all. Now I demand that we stop. Isn't this "team sport" of mine just grand?

So ... short answer ... NO! But, for me personally, there have been times that I've stopped due to husbands health or special circumstances.

To classify your answer as specious is doing it a favor.

There are many, many reasons a husband might ask a HW to stop lifestyle activities. Not all would indicated he is a jealous little twit or wimpy little jealous boy. No more than saying no would make a HW a self-centered skank, interested in her own sexual pleasure over the future of the marriage.

[danman71]

Our relationship has been based in the lifestyle since we got together 2 years ago. Our roles have been established and I don't see those changing moving forward.

We do always have open lines of communication but she is clearly the alpha partner. I would never suggest she stop nor do I presume its something she would entertain at least at this point in our relationship.