Robinpost1 wrote: ↑Sat Jan 27, 2024 9:17 am
Thank you again for posting. I frequently find myself working through my own relationship issues and past experiences while reading through your own. You are insightful and articulate to the benefit of hundreds of strangers.
Sounds like you have a great therapist. I wonder if the letdown from being rejected by F ever triggers her anger toward you. You present as an incredibly safe person. While she’s attacked you on multiple occasions verbally, you stay with her, don’t guilt and shame her for it. As a result this anger that she has needs to go somewhere. She knows you’re safe, and won’t leave her. Whereas with F she could be nervous about confronting him about canceling and driving him away. He is her escape. He is what gives her control over her life. And without that, the first time she was devastated. She almost lost both of you.
I’m not sure how to resolve this, but if she identifies the fact that her anger is from being rejected by F, it will keep help her from taking it out on you. That would lead to Fewer conflicts and give Fs rejection less power over her emotional state.
So my instinct is this isn’t the issue.
My wife’s anger issues began during the affair (late-Jan/early Feb 2022). Prior to that, she virtually never showed anger. But since it emerged, it hasn’t stopped.
My sense is that her guilt over the affair caused it—deceiving me was too difficult for her emotionally. And around that same time frame, F’s wife was befriending her (she was suspicious of an affair and F was gaslighting her, so she took matters into her own hands). So at that point my wife was wallowing in shame because of what she was doing to me and F’s wife.
When it all blew up, things got even worse as F went through a divorce. So now my wife had all the shame already, but added on survivor’s guilt (therapist thinks that’s likely the core issue for my wife)—she can’t look herself in the mirror without blaming herself for breaking up a family.
Rationally, she can say she shares blame with F, but ultimately she blames herself entirely.
For those familiar with psychological issues, shame and survivor’s guilt are both incredibly difficult things to overcome and my wife has severe cases of both. They lead to her being overwhelmed and emotionally crashing. She implodes and anger takes over.
Now I understand it’s common for cuck dynamics to end in heartbreak with a wife running off with a bull—but as I’ve tried to explain, that’s not my story. Everyone is entitled to their view though.
My wife looks at F as a good time. It’s what she tells me and it’s what I see—he is a fun escape that’s really good in bed. She has no desire for the relationship to be more than sex, so she’s not reliant on him emotionally at all. If he “rejects” her it’s a hit on her attractiveness/self-esteem, but that’s skin deep. She’s not looking for him to fall in love with her.
**
And just as an update, the session went phenomenal—probably the best session we ever had. It was 90 minutes and my wife said she didn’t want to stop talking—that’s never happened. We had a few revelations that really helped provide perspective of what is happening between us.
I won’t bog down the thread anymore with the underlying psychology, instead I’ll just say F is very much back on the table for us. My wife hasn’t reached out to him since Wednesday when she declined meeting him on Thursday or Friday, but I did give her the green-light to do so when she wants—and as I’ve learned, that often happens quickly, so stay turned.
They left off with an anal cream pie being his request, so that’s still out there. From my perspective, I want a video of something as my top priority.
But I won’t get too far ahead of myself—I’m eager to see how tonight goes and if my wife has any delayed negative reaction to therapy, though I’m optimistic.
