Girlfriend with kinks

[Uncertain9901]

Hello, I'm posting here to learn whether hotwife or a similar arrangement could work for me and my girlfriend. She has certain kinks which I cannot fulfil so feeling a bit bad about not being able to fully satisfy her. We've been together 3 years, both in our late 20s. The relationship is great, we trust and love each other. Most time we've had vanilla sex, which works well for me. At the same time I learned that she likes having sex with R&B or rap music in the background, sex in mirror view, wearing high heel black boots, being talked to dirty in bed.. I can tell it brings out her other side, sex gets quite wet and hot. There's nothing extreme about it and perhaps these are common kinks. However I'm simply unable to perform with music in the background or with mirrors around, it's just not me. So for now we mostly stick to vanilla sex and positions, nothing special. She's not complaining about it, however I feel like I'm letting her down when I'm not able to play along. I keep thinking that there's a man out there who may be a better fit for her in bedroom and maybe also bring out other kinks in her which neither of us know about yet. I have no idea if this would be appropriate for us or how to make such arrangement. In our daily lives we're both fairly reserved and conservative, so not sure how my girlfriend would react to any such suggestion. I understand there's people on this forum who have been in hotwife lifestyle for a while, I'd be interested to hear your views and advice. Thanks. J

[Long Lurker 34]

Hello, I'm posting here to learn whether hotwife or a similar arrangement could work for me and my girlfriend. She has certain kinks which I cannot fulfil so feeling a bit bad about not being able to fully satisfy her. We've been together 3 years, both in our late 20s. The relationship is great, we trust and love each other. Most time we've had vanilla sex, which works well for me. At the same time I learned that she likes having sex with R&B or rap music in the background, sex in mirror view, wearing high heel black boots, being talked to dirty in bed.. I can tell it brings out her other side, sex gets quite wet and hot. There's nothing extreme about it and perhaps these are common kinks. However I'm simply unable to perform with music in the background or with mirrors around, it's just not me. So for now we mostly stick to vanilla sex and positions, nothing special. She's not complaining about it, however I feel like I'm letting her down when I'm not able to play along. I keep thinking that there's a man out there who may be a better fit for her in bedroom and maybe also bring out other kinks in her which neither of us know about yet. I have no idea if this would be appropriate for us or how to make such arrangement. In our daily lives we're both fairly reserved and conservative, so not sure how my girlfriend would react to any such suggestion. I understand there's people on this forum who have been in hotwife lifestyle for a while, I'd be interested to hear your views and advice. Thanks. J

U# - Have you considered a blindfold and noise cancelling headphones?

[BrunetteLover]

At your age and lack of relationship commitment (girlfriend, not wife) she is likely to find someone else and stay with them.

Maybe with the differences in values and desires as you describe, it would be for the better.

[Uncertain9901]

At your age and lack of relationship commitment (girlfriend, not wife) she is likely to find someone else and stay with them.

Maybe with the differences in values and desires as you describe, it would be for the better.

Do you mean that her kinks could lead to her leaving? We're not really considering a split at this time, the relationship is going quite well.

[BrunetteLover]

At your age and lack of relationship commitment (girlfriend, not wife) she is likely to find someone else and stay with them.

Maybe with the differences in values and desires as you describe, it would be for the better.

Do you mean that her kinks could lead to her leaving? We're not really considering a split at this time, the relationship is going quite well.

NO, I mean that if you introduce her to other guys she is more sexually compatible with, things can happen.

[MartasBoy]

At your age and lack of relationship commitment (girlfriend, not wife) she is likely to find someone else and stay with them.

Maybe with the differences in values and desires as you describe, it would be for the better.

Do you mean that her kinks could lead to her leaving? We're not really considering a split at this time, the relationship is going quite well.

Yes, you could lose her to another guy. She is wanting more spice in the bedroom, and you are being too vanilla for her.

If you really like her, I would work on satisfying more of her kink interests. I would be working really hard to get over my hangup about mirrors and music. Set a mirror in a place where she can see it and you cannot. Look up best hits of rhythm and blues, and find some music that you find sexy.

Most people get into having sex to good music. The right music can set a rhythm for the sex that makes it exciting.

Do you guys dance? Most dancing is really just a means of Seduction to get more interested in sex. Take a Latin dance, or salsa dance class. Learn how to dance sexy together. Then you just take it home into the bedroom.

You'd be surprised how many women talk to their girlfriends and say, "I really like my boyfriend (or husband). We have a great relationship, and he's a really great guy, but the sex is kind of boring and he isn't willing to do anything to make it more exciting."
Women in these situations often move on to find something more exciting and fulfilling. And their girlfriends will often say, "You two don't have sexual compatibility. That's an important part of a relationship, sexual compatibility. You need to find somebody new, that you have more sexual compatibility with."

Life is awfully short to waste your brief years of sexual prime, with her feeling unfulfilled sexually. I'd be working really hard to step up my game, let go of my hangups, and get more sexy.

[MartasBoy]

Mirrors, music, and high heel boots, and dirty talk are really lower-level beginner kink kind of stuff. That is really not all that kinky. It is quite normal.
I'm sorry, but you sound a little boring and uptight for a guy in his twenties. I'd say loosen up and get over your hangups and make beautiful sexy love to this woman. Sex in a relationship, in your twenties, is too important in a relationship to be subcontracted out to another guy.

She's in a prime sexual part of her sex life. As she enters her 30s, if she is interested in having a family, she will start thinking about having kids, before her biological clock runs on.

Kids change things. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, and parenting commitments changes things. Your twenties are a peak time of your sexual exploration and fun.
Now it's the time to have fun and create some exciting memories. She is craving it. If you love her, you owe it to her to try harder.

Did you ever do any play acting in a play in high school? Have you ever done any role-playing?

Did you ever watch the TV series Modern Family. The married couple of Claire and Phil did a romantic sexy role play every Valentine's Day. They would go to the cocktail lounge of a very fancy hotel and pretend to be strangers from out of town and would pick each other up for a sexy hookup in a hotel room upstairs.
Those kind of things are fun. They create excitement and memories you can have for a lifetime.

Try some play acting, and imagine that you are somebody different than your usual self. An alter ego of you. You know those kind of guys who are sort of a cad and like having one night stands with women and just using them for fun? Imagine that you were one of those. Make it fun and playful. Break out of your uptight shell and enjoy being someone naughty. Someone different from how you were raised to be.

Tell her you'd like to do something like that. Tell her to dress sexy and wear her boots.
Have her meet you at a very nice bar. Ask her to go there first and wait for you. Come in and introduce yourself using a different form of your name, maybe your middle name.

Pretend you are meeting for the first time and that you just saw her in the bar. Ask her her name. Tell her you just had to come over and talk to her because you think she's about the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.

Make up a backstory. Tell her you are visiting from out of town and looking for some company for the evening.
You can pretend she's a high price call girl.

When she agrees to go with you, surprise her by taking her to a hotel room you have set up in advance. Maybe have champagne there.

Imagine that you are that cad of a guy, even though you probably weren't raised that way. (Get some Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. Those boner pills will help you get hard even if this kind of fantasy isn't your thing. Or maybe you have some Hang-Ups from an uptight or religious upbringing).

Do the role play with your girlfriend at the bar. Ask her if she goes out the bars alone often. Tease her and ask her, "So, how many guys have you picked up in bars like this?"
If she makes up a big number, it means that she is into a fantasy of pretending she's some really slutty girl. Tease her about it, and play that role play of being a cad who just wants to screw her.

If she is into the fantasy of being a paid call girl, treat her like one. Tell her what you expect her to do for all the money you are spending on her. Throw her on the bed and have sex with her, with her boots on.

When you're done, hand her a wad of cash and tell her she was good (but only if she has indicated that she gets excited about the fantasy of being a call girl). Tell her she's welcome to spend the night if she wants, or you understand if she has to get back down to the bar to pick up her next client. See what she does.

Have fun and create memories while you're young. Life is short and a hot sex life can go away as you get older.

[BrunetteLover]

Just to jump back in here... what you describe is not even a kink, it's a woman who likes to set up some mood in anticipation of a sexual encounter. It kind of delineates everyday life from the special moments.

You calling dressing up and music a kink is like someone saying that having a romantic dinner or getting a hotel room in another town for the weekend a kink.

I dated my college girlfriend for a few years into our early work years. She met all kinds of other guys at a high-end financial job. More money, nicer cars, I always liked being the scrappy urban blue-collar kid, just as happy on the subway as in a nice car.

She ended up meeting an upscale guy, whom she married. No trash talk; she did what she did.

But I did correspond with her nearly 20 years later for a few brief emails; she split with him, and was very lonely at present. That was 10+ years ago, we were in our late 40s at that point.

I get a feeling she missed the sex the most of all. He sounded dull.

[MartasBoy]

Just to jump back in here... what you describe is not even a kink, .....

......She ended up meeting an upscale guy, whom she married. No trash talk; she did what she did.

But I did correspond with her nearly 20 years later for a few brief emails; she split with him, and was very lonely at present. That was 10+ years ago, we were in our late 40s at that point.

I get a feeling she missed the sex the most of all. He sounded dull.

I had a very similar experience. Back in college, I briefly dated a woman who was divorced and attending medical school. We met in the summer when she had a break in classes. We had a wonderful summer fling and the sex was very good.

I was the hippie kid stuck in a period of indecision, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. We kept everything casual in our summer fling. Near the end of the summer she became close to a guy in her med school class.

She very kindly ended the fling with me and they became serious. I understood that she wanted someone with a more defined life plan.

They married each other near the end of medical school and I would run into her from time to time around town. I watched their careers expand as I saw notices of their various promotions and assignments at the hospital. They both did very well in their careers, and I imagine they are both fairly wealthy now.

I figured things out in my life and established a good career for myself. I turned out to be successful, though not as wealthy as her and her doctor husband.

I recently ran into her at our local farmers market. She's a very down-to-earth person, very casual. She doesn't act like, or present herself like the kind of wealth she probably has. He called out to me enthusiastically and came over and gave me a big hug hello. She told me I looked good and asked me how I was. When I asked her how she was doing, she said, "Good, now, I just divorced mistake number two." When she returned to the friend she was with, I heard her say, "That's who I should have married."

[BrunetteLover]

"That's who I should have married."

I am not boasting when I say this; but she hinted as such in her correspondence.

However, I don't think it would have worked out well if we did get married, she was always looking elsewhere and would have done the same with me.

[annsman]

To me it just seems as if you are using it as an excuse for her to cuckold you, so why not just admit it and tell her it would turn you on.

[MartasBoy]

To me it just seems as if you are using it as an excuse for her to cuckold you, so why not just admit it and tell her it would turn you on.

But the basic relationship has to be strong first if she ends up doing it because she is unfulfilled, why get your milk in one place and your cream in another, if you can get both of them from the same place?

I wouldn't have been able to feel comfortable with my wife hot wifing in our first year of marriage. It was later in the marriage, when I realized that I provided things to her that only I could provide to her.

[BrunetteLover]

To me it just seems as if you are using it as an excuse for her to cuckold you, so why not just admit it and tell her it would turn you on.

But the basic relationship has to be strong first if she ends up doing it because she is unfulfilled, why get your milk in one place and your cream in another, if you can get both of them from the same place?

I wouldn't have been able to feel comfortable with my wife hot wifey in our first year of marriage. It was later in the marriage, when I realized that I provided things to her that only I could provide to her.

It would have been inconceivable for me to accept my wife being with other men earlier than 20 years into our marriage for the same reasons you describe.

[Uncertain9901]

Thanks, some good thoughts here. I did consider taking viagra or cialis or similar stuff however it doesn't seem right or sustainable. I'm a healthy guy 29 yo and I get rock hard easy without any stimulants, I'm not planning to start taking viagra all the time just to play out what my gf wants in bed. On the other hand maybe I sound selfish and perhaps I should consider it on occasions. On a related note I'm worried about what my gf might think if she finds viagra pills, she might think that I'm not attracted to her.

On role play, yes it's something we could try, although not something I tried before. Arranging some sophisticated role play with bars, hotels etc sounds complex and doesn't really solve our day to day interaction. Good idea nevertheless.

On dancing classes, again something I've thought about. The issue is - we live in a quiet residential area and both of us work full time. There's no dance classes anywhere close to where we live (I already looked) so it's difficult to get into that.

[Uncertain9901]

Mirrors, music, and high heel boots, and dirty talk are really lower-level beginner kink kind of stuff. That is really not all that kinky. It is quite normal.
I'm sorry, but you sound a little boring and uptight for a guy in his twenties. I'd say loosen up and get over your hangups and make beautiful sexy love to this woman. Sex in a relationship, in your twenties, is too important in a relationship to be subcontracted out to another guy.

I think it's fair to say I'm quite boring in bedroom, I accept the criticism. However not something I can change, it's just who I am. Big perky tits and some basic sex is all I ever needed.

[54321]

1) You seem to be intent on making a problem out of nothing.
2) You are writing about it in a Hotwifing Forum.

I think Annsman is right on the money. What you really want is for her to be a Hotwife or even a Cuckoldress which is fine by the way.

I suggest you dive in to full on roleplay with your girlfriend and see where it leads. What are your fantasies? What are her fantasies?
Why not share those fantasies and make a few more up together that you can both enjoy? It really is OK to have fun with sex.

54321

[MartasBoy]

I think it's fair to say I'm quite boring in bedroom, I accept the criticism. However not something I can change, it's just who I am. Big perky tits and some basic sex is all I ever needed.

It actually is something that a person can change, if they really value a relationship.
It's hard to change how you feel about something, but you can change how you respond to something.

There is a personality trait in people and relationships that isn't often talked about, I think. It's how much a person desires excitement in their life. There are people with a high need for excitement and people with a low need for excitement, and people who are in between and all along a continuum.

There are people who go on vacation to places that have lots of adventure activities like, riding wave runners in the surf, zip lining across a canyon, parasailing, and bungee jumping. There are people who want to do all of those things, and there are people who just want to recline under a beach umbrella and read a book.

People with a high need for excitement and people with a low need for excitement rarely make it in a relationship long-term, I have observed. There are the rare couples who do. The ones who do make it, are the ones where the person with the low need for excitement pushes themself to participate in some of the activities with their partner, to join in their need for excitement and stimulation.

You could encourage her to go find an outside person to meet her needs for excitement. But, she could eventually come to the conclusion that the new guy provides her with the stability and safety that you do, plus more excitement, and you could lose her.

Why would anybody want to go to different places to get there milk and their cream, when they can get both of those from the same cow? You guys are young and unmarried. Your girlfriend has time to figure this out and move on to someone who provides her with a broader range of the things she desires.

[Abrandnewstart194]

As a couple of people have pointed out already, the things you describe aren’t kinks, they’ve very vanilla. That’s actually good news. Kinks are powerful urges that a person NEEDS for sexual gratification. To ask a person to agree never to have their kink satisfied is basically asking them to accept a lifetime of unsatisfying sex.

These things you describe just aren’t kinks, they’ve preferences, and a person can still have great sex without them. Sounds to me like she would like them, but that they’re not deal breakers. It would be nice if you could be more accommodating, but this doesn’t sound at all like a crisis requiring extraordinary solutions.

Now if you WANT her to have sex with other guys, that IS a kink, and she deserves to be aware of it. Who knows, she might just like it…

[MartasBoy]

......These things you describe just aren’t kinks, they’ve preferences, and a person can still have great sex without them. Sounds to me like she would like them, but that they’re not deal breakers. It would be nice if you could be more accommodating, but this doesn’t sound at all like a crisis requiring extraordinary solutions.

I disagree. I think the little basic things are very important and, are often a deal-breaker for people. It's particularly true in this day and age. Women are more sexually liberated and expecting to be satisfied and have a rich and rewarding sex life. They talk about it with their girlfriends, they share notes.

He has admitted that he is boring and unimaginative in bed, and is unwilling to do much to change it. The fact that the things she finds exciting are simple, and not very kinky, is even more likely to make her feel like he doesn't love her or care enough about her, to try those things with her.

I can imagine her girlfriends telling her that the things she desires are very simple and she is justified in wanting those things. I can imagine her friends saying,, "He sounds very boring in bed and you sound disappointed and hurt. Imagine yourself continuing like this for 40 years in a relationship. Do you think that is enough to satisfy you? Maybe you need to move on and find somebody who is able to give you more excitement in life."

And the fact that he is unwilling to make love to his girlfriend with music playing, but instead is contemplating suggesting that she find somebody else to have more interesting sex, with is very likely to hurt her feelings.
He will essentially be telling her, "No, I'm not willing to have sex with you with music playing, and a mirror in the room. That's not my thing. Why don't you find somebody else to do those things with you. I'll still be the guy you watch movies with."

Being rejected like that, why wouldn't she just move on to some guy who's not so uptight about music, boots, and mirrors? It doesn't sound to me like they have the type of basic solid relationship, to add polyamorous relationships to.

[leggysman]

I think it's fair to say I'm quite boring in bedroom, I accept the criticism. However not something I can change, it's just who I am. Big perky tits and some basic sex is all I ever needed.

He has admitted that he is boring and unimaginative in bed, and is unwilling to do much to change it.

Yep. I'd add selfish. The quote above would not be written by someone who cares about being a good partner - sexual or otherwise. If your own needs are all that matters, and you're unwilling to make further effort, you are not a "catch", and not a keeper. Losing her will be a hard way to learn that lesson, but perhaps it's necessary.

However, I'm not sure he's not actually just rationalizing his desire to be cuckolded, by whatever means necessary.

[Gulfcpl]

I think it's fair to say I'm quite boring in bedroom, I accept the criticism. However not something I can change, it's just who I am. Big perky tits and some basic sex is all I ever needed.

He has admitted that he is boring and unimaginative in bed, and is unwilling to do much to change it.

Yep. I'd add selfish. The quote above would not be written by someone who cares about being a good partner - sexual or otherwise. If your own needs are all that matters, and you're unwilling to make further effort, you are not a "catch", and not a keeper. Losing her will be a hard way to learn that lesson, but perhaps it's necessary.

However, I'm not sure he's not actually just rationalizing his desire to be cuckolded, by whatever means necessary.

I totally agree with this assessment. You’re being very selfish. You say, “that’s just the way I am” and “not something I can change”. You’re 20 something. Certainly you can change or at least compromise. She’s almost begging for more excitement. Viagra at your age? That’s ridiculous. Viagra is for us old guys that have problems. When I was your age, breathing made me hard. This will sound harsh but if you’re not willing to improve her enjoyment, set her free and let her find it. Selfishness is a horrible trait in any relationship. Unfortunately, it’s all too common these days.

[Blackjack4724]

I think it's fair to say I'm quite boring in bedroom, I accept the criticism. However not something I can change, it's just who I am. Big perky tits and some basic sex is all I ever needed.

He has admitted that he is boring and unimaginative in bed, and is unwilling to do much to change it.

Yep. I'd add selfish. The quote above would not be written by someone who cares about being a good partner - sexual or otherwise. If your own needs are all that matters, and you're unwilling to make further effort, you are not a "catch", and not a keeper. Losing her will be a hard way to learn that lesson, but perhaps it's necessary.

However, I'm not sure he's not actually just rationalizing his desire to be cuckolded, by whatever means necessary.

I totally agree with this assessment. You’re being very selfish. You say, “that’s just the way I am” and “not something I can change”. You’re 20 something. Certainly you can change or at least compromise. She’s almost begging for more excitement. Viagra at your age? That’s ridiculous. Viagra is for us old guys that have problems. When I was your age, breathing made me hard. This will sound harsh but if you’re not willing to improve her enjoyment, set her free and let her find it. Selfishness is a horrible trait in any relationship. Unfortunately, it’s all too common these days.

I couldn’t agree with Gulfcpl more! You should possibly have your testosterone level checked. From what it sounds like is that your drive is very low. In my 20’s all I had to do is see something slightly stimulating and I was hard. Agreed that we all aren’t the same, which I get, but the things she’s asking for are pretty basic spice things up kind of things. I suggest you look with yourself rather than thinking something is wrong with what your partner is asking for.

[MartasBoy]

Viagra at your age? That’s ridiculous. Viagra is for us old guys that have problems. When I was your age, breathing made me hard.

I disagree. Viagra will make anybody harder, at any age, even young guys. Another thing that the ED/boner pills will do, is preserve an erection even after we ejaculate, so you can keep going at it even after you've come.

I figured out at one point, that my 20 something gay son was stealing my viagra pills. He was taking them in pairs at a time, to share with his boyfriend, so they could both be harder and last longer. They found them to be good as a sort of party drug.

Viagra would probably help this guy. He sounds like he may have some conservative hang-ups about these little vanilla interests of his wife, that he views as being "kinky". Her music distracts him, he's embarrassed to see their lovemaking in a mirror, seeing her in boots seems "kinky" to him, and may be a turnoff for him (I know, it doesn't make sense to the rest of us).

He said, "However I'm simply unable to perform with music in the background or with mirrors around, it's just not me." He also said he is conservative. If he was raised in a conservative religious family where there were strong messages that sex is dirty, and only for procreating, even vanilla "kink" can make such people feel dirty or bad. Those feelings and early guilt trips can make a guy have trouble getting it up. Viagra would fix that.

So, if his wife's vanilla "kinks" aren't "his thing", and may serve as a bit of a turn off for him, Viagra would help him go at it anyway, whether it turns him on or not.

[Gulfcpl]

Perhaps, but if he doesn’t get over, everything’s about me, thing, he’s going to lose her. Not many were raised as strict as I, in a fundamental hellfire and brimstone church, and I got over it real fast. Having said that, that was me and not him. Hopefully he can reconcile his dilemma, if there is one, and they can be happy. Having another guy come in without a solid foundation is asking for problems regardless of my or anyone else’s opinion. Martasboy, your point was well taken and I hope it helps them.

[Uncertain9901]

I think it's fair to say I'm quite boring in bedroom, I accept the criticism. However not something I can change, it's just who I am. Big perky tits and some basic sex is all I ever needed.

He has admitted that he is boring and unimaginative in bed, and is unwilling to do much to change it.

Yep. I'd add selfish. The quote above would not be written by someone who cares about being a good partner - sexual or otherwise. If your own needs are all that matters, and you're unwilling to make further effort, you are not a "catch", and not a keeper. Losing her will be a hard way to learn that lesson, but perhaps it's necessary.

However, I'm not sure he's not actually just rationalizing his desire to be cuckolded, by whatever means necessary.

I totally agree with this assessment. You’re being very selfish. You say, “that’s just the way I am” and “not something I can change”. You’re 20 something. Certainly you can change or at least compromise. She’s almost begging for more excitement. Viagra at your age? That’s ridiculous. Viagra is for us old guys that have problems. When I was your age, breathing made me hard. This will sound harsh but if you’re not willing to improve her enjoyment, set her free and let her find it. Selfishness is a horrible trait in any relationship. Unfortunately, it’s all too common these days.

I couldn’t agree with Gulfcpl more! You should possibly have your testosterone level checked. From what it sounds like is that your drive is very low. In my 20’s all I had to do is see something slightly stimulating and I was hard. Agreed that we all aren’t the same, which I get, but the things she’s asking for are pretty basic spice things up kind of things. I suggest you look with yourself rather than thinking something is wrong with what your partner is asking for.

That's probably fair to say, my girlfriend and exes all wanted sex more often than me. I up for it however both of us now work full time, tired after work, also gym 2-3 times a week, home chores etc etc most days we get back home from work, having dinner & shower and go to sleep. I just don't feel like there's time or energy for sex most days. We have sex mostly on weekends, maybe once or twice a week. My girlfriend is attractive with nice boobs and round ass, likewise she finds me attractive, but sex is far from being a daily thing. As you say this could my fault with low testosterone/stamina. I might try out viagra as suggested.

I should add, I don't think my girlfriend has ever had an orgasm with me. She's enjoying it but she doesn't cum, or at least not that I have seen. I know what an orgasm looks like - my ex gf used to cum often. Note I think I'm physically capable i.e. I'm fairly muscular with a medium large cock, large enough to hit cervix, so my physique isn't an issue. I could only conclude that my girlfriend is missing some spice/kinks to finish. I'm fairly confident and secure in myself, so I don't think I'd be too jealous if my girlfriend wanted to explore with some other guy. This is where I don't think I'm into cuckolding myself but open to it if that improves things.