Veto'd relationship

[Rabbit58]

After several years of being a hotwife, my wife wanted to try to have a boyfriend and I let her. They dated for about a year. He was wanting her to be his primary partner all along - something that never sit well with me. They fell in love. The sex was amazing between them, and I enjoyed parts of it. But it was not the hotwife stuff that I'd liked earlier.

We became a polyamorous couple, and she didn't like sharing details of their dates. She was public about their relationship with her family and friends.

After about a year, their emotions were getting stronger. They used terms like "long term partner", and were planning a vacation together. She still loved me, too, but I thought she was more turned on by him. They didn't have kids together, or a household to run - it was all just fun when they were together.

A few months ago, I told her it was him or me and she chose me. She was really sad. It's taken months but we seem to be on solid footing as a closed marriage.

I feel guilty that I "allowed" this to happen. I feel badly I hurt her feelings (and his too, to be honest, he was a fine person).

But I just found my boundaries. She found she only wants sex if it's in the context of a loving relationship and she doesn't want to look around for another guy.

I miss the excitement of having a hotwife, and have asked if she'd try again but she doesn't really answer me.

[Natatude]

Just let her know your feelings and your boundaries. You should have probably talked about those from the get go.
My hubby allows me to have feelings and I have to have some sort of feelings to be able to comfortably have sex with another partner. I am just not allowed to get as close to them that I want to leave him for them. As that would never be the case! I love Griz with everything I have.
I myself prefer one at a time, Grizzly however would want me to have one a night lol so we have to find a mediocre there.
Good luck to you and hopefully she will start again soon!

[Farmgirl]

After several years of being a hotwife, my wife wanted to try to have a boyfriend and I let her. They dated for about a year. He was wanting her to be his primary partner all along - something that never sit well with me. They fell in love. The sex was amazing between them, and I enjoyed parts of it. But it was not the hotwife stuff that I'd liked earlier.

We became a polyamorous couple, and she didn't like sharing details of their dates. She was public about their relationship with her family and friends.

After about a year, their emotions were getting stronger. They used terms like "long term partner", and were planning a vacation together. She still loved me, too, but I thought she was more turned on by him. They didn't have kids together, or a household to run - it was all just fun when they were together.

A few months ago, I told her it was him or me and she chose me. She was really sad. It's taken months but we seem to be on solid footing as a closed marriage.

I feel guilty that I "allowed" this to happen. I feel badly I hurt her feelings (and his too, to be honest, he was a fine person).

But I just found my boundaries. She found she only wants sex if it's in the context of a loving relationship and she doesn't want to look around for another guy.

I miss the excitement of having a hotwife, and have asked if she'd try again but she doesn't really answer me.

It sounds like you gave her an ultimatum rather than talking about how your concerns. Were I her, I wouldn't ever want to Hotwife again as what you describe would make me feel used by you.
I have a boyfriend that I love, but I know that my husband is my Number1.

[MonaLisaOverdrive]

It sounds like you gave her an ultimatum rather than talking about how your concerns. Were I her, I wouldn't ever want to Hotwife again as what you describe would make me feel used by you.
I have a boyfriend that I love, but I know that my husband is my Number1.

I agree with Farmgirl. It sounds like instead of having a conversation around your concerns you lashed out and have now hurt her badly. It would probably take a lot of work for her to trust you enough to get back out there and it sounds like unless she is allowed to involve her feelings then she won't want to anyway.

Why would she trust you not to turn around and hurt her again? How many times did you talk about the depth of her feelings with this guy?
Of course, when she is with him she doesn't need to be a mother, or a wife. She can just be a woman. That must be a freeing, wonderful experience for a married woman with kids, I'll bet she was an amazing mother and wife because of it.

[The good hub]

If this evolved over the course of a year as you said, I’m sure there were plenty of lead up conversations/arguments? You didn’t just drop the “him or me” ultimatum out of nowhere right?

From what you describe Rabbit, I think you did the right thing. You have to do what you have to do to save your relationship. Don’t blame yourself for “allowing” it to go where it did; it was all 3 of you and it can happen. It only works if all 3 of you are happy with how it evolves.


Now, that said, you absolutely cannot expect her to continue with hotwife activities if she only wants to do it in a relationship-based way. If she wants it one way that your not comfortable with and you want it one way she can’t do, time to give it up

[Rabbit58]

After several years of being a hotwife, my wife wanted to try to have a boyfriend and I let her. They dated for about a year. He was wanting her to be his primary partner all along - something that never sit well with me. They fell in love. The sex was amazing between them, and I enjoyed parts of it. But it was not the hotwife stuff that I'd liked earlier.

We became a polyamorous couple, and she didn't like sharing details of their dates. She was public about their relationship with her family and friends.

After about a year, their emotions were getting stronger. They used terms like "long term partner", and were planning a vacation together. She still loved me, too, but I thought she was more turned on by him. They didn't have kids together, or a household to run - it was all just fun when they were together.

A few months ago, I told her it was him or me and she chose me. She was really sad. It's taken months but we seem to be on solid footing as a closed marriage.

I feel guilty that I "allowed" this to happen. I feel badly I hurt her feelings (and his too, to be honest, he was a fine person).

But I just found my boundaries. She found she only wants sex if it's in the context of a loving relationship and she doesn't want to look around for another guy.

I miss the excitement of having a hotwife, and have asked if she'd try again but she doesn't really answer me.

It sounds like you gave her an ultimatum rather than talking about how your concerns. Were I her, I wouldn't ever want to Hotwife again as what you describe would make me feel used by you.
I have a boyfriend that I love, but I know that my husband is my Number1.

Totally get why you’d feel that way.

There were some details I left out. I said from the outside I never wanted polyamory. Once it was clear she was in love I tried therapy both couples with someone who specializes in open marriages, and individually. I tried to befriend the guy.

But after a year of it, with it only getting more intense between them, I found myself in a marriage I didn’t want to be in. I didn’t want to spend the next however many years as the less than desired partner. It was a boundary - either we close the marriage or I’m leaving to find a relationship I feel good in. I really didn’t want to do that because I love her and we have kids. I tried super hard to accept their relationship- but I couldn’t.

It’s true that she may never want to hot wife again. We have different visions of what is fun and feels safe.

If we’re open at all, she’d want the ability to be poly. I am fine with a boyfriend or having feelings. But I don’t want to feel displaced in my marriage and I think the duration and intensity of what they had made me feel that way. (Even though she says it was all in my head).

I bring this up bc the handful of couples who I have seen open their marriages have followed a similar pattern. At first he wants to open the marriage for sexual reasons, and over time the woman wants a more poly situation.

We’re happily married now, have great sex and love each other. But I think we both miss that passion we had in a hot wife/open marriage.

[Tryagain]

I totally get how you feel and recognize your strength in standing firm on something so important.

After some time has passed you may want to bring it up again but how about you being there? That is a very good way way to discourage these one-on-one "love" relationships

[funfortwo]

I'm relatively new to this as my wife has had a BF for over a year. That said, IMO this dynamic is for all three people involved and if anyone in the relationship finds that this doesn't work anymore, then it's time to re-evaluate. You needed to follow your heart and (apparently) tried everything to resolve these issues. It's too bad that things didn't work out, but your marriage to your wife is the most important aspect of hotwifing. If she felt that she couldn't leave him, that's her decision and you respond with whatever you need to be fulfilled in life. In this instance, she chose her marriage and she may never choose to be a hotwife again. But, you still have your family and wife which is the most important aspect IMO. Sorry things didn't work out, but life is full of highs and lows. Work together to re-connect and solidify what's most important. Just my 2 cents from a newbie...

[Breakerhymen]

Bottom line you did what you felt you had to to preserve your marriage. Hotwifery and polyamory while related are two very different concepts!

[Farmgirl]

Totally get why you’d feel that way.

There were some details I left out. I said from the outside I never wanted polyamory. Once it was clear she was in love I tried therapy both couples with someone who specializes in open marriages, and individually. I tried to befriend the guy.

But after a year of it, with it only getting more intense between them, I found myself in a marriage I didn’t want to be in. I didn’t want to spend the next however many years as the less than desired partner. It was a boundary - either we close the marriage or I’m leaving to find a relationship I feel good in. I really didn’t want to do that because I love her and we have kids. I tried super hard to accept their relationship- but I couldn’t.

It’s true that she may never want to hot wife again. We have different visions of what is fun and feels safe.

If we’re open at all, she’d want the ability to be poly. I am fine with a boyfriend or having feelings. But I don’t want to feel displaced in my marriage and I think the duration and intensity of what they had made me feel that way. (Even though she says it was all in my head).

I bring this up bc the handful of couples who I have seen open their marriages have followed a similar pattern. At first he wants to open the marriage for sexual reasons, and over time the woman wants a more poly situation.

We’re happily married now, have great sex and love each other. But I think we both miss that passion we had in a hot wife/open marriage.

Thank you for the clarification. I'm glad to hear that "We’re happily married now, have great sex and love each other." How much you miss the passion of Hotwifing will determine your course forward.
What you feel and want is not wrong, and neither is what she feels and wants. It does seem that the two of you never got on the same page, and that is a very common pitfall for new-to-this couples. This LS takes so much better trust and communication than monogamous couples ever achieve.
My Number1 and I made all of those mistakes you and your wife made early in our journey, we didn't trust and communicate any better than you did.
But, we did grow, both together and in maturity, and we realized we did want to continue Hotwifing. It took negotiating on both of our parts and after a growth process, we were able to drop any and all "rules". Trust replaced the need for any. Trust so deep that we each Know that the other one of us has his/her back unconditionally.
You can get there in time if that is what the two of you want, hurts heal and growth moves us forward.
I do think you dropped the ball, but you can pick it up and put it back into play. It just takes a team effort, and a team takes hits and learns from them to become better.

[SammySigns]

I feel it. It turns me on immensely when my wife gets nailed on a random evening, but I'm not at all interested in some sort of polyamorous relationship. Kudos to you for making your voice heard.