Hubby getting cold feet before first adventure - what to do?

[Ladybird]

Hello all!

Like in quite a few of the various background stories on here that I had the pleasure of reading through, hubby was talking about me becoming a hotwife for a long time until I actually got what he was driving at. The thought hadn't really crossed my mind before.

Then it clicked with me and I felt really lucky to have such a great husband who would not only let me go out and have lots of naughty fun but actually take pleasure from it, too. Win, win!

So we set up a profile on a swingers' website and I started chatting to a few guys. I have now found one I could really see myself start my hotwife adventure with. He's very respectful of our relationship too and is keen to get hubby on board and involved.

We had a very sexy chat the other day and I filled hubby in on all the details afterwards. He was really turned on at first but when it sunk in (when he was less horny) that this might actually become reality quite soon, he started worrying that he might get jealous. He hasn't said he's gone off the idea but he suggested moving a potential first meet-up to some time in the not so near future.

I will obviously not do anything without him being completely comfortable with it all but was wondering if any of you had experienced anything like this when you first started out and how you overcame it, if at all.

Thank you!

Ladybird

[gordon921]

Then talk it over with him, discuss, communication, communication. You're going to fuck any guy you like and presume he'll remain monogenous, that's a huge step in a relationship.

[SilverStag]

It's not uncommon at all. Kind of like the novice skydive freezing in the doorway of the plane. Our fantasies becoming real can be daunting. We run into a lot of single guys who THINK they are ready to play with a married woman with her husband's consent, only to find that in reality they really can't do it.

I suggest you listen to the We Gotta Thing podcast. It is a chronicle of a mature couple's journey into swinging. They did an episode where they had to come to grips with the husband's jealousy of his wife playing with another man. I think that if you go to their website (wegottathing.com) there is an episode list to select from. It was an early episode.

In any case, get the jealousy "fixed" first as it can ruin not only your tryst, but your relationship too.

Good luck, keep us posted, please.

[slenderfish]

You are in the early stages. Take your time and enjoy the hint of it, watch and track each others' ebb and flow of desire, and love each other along the way!

[Farmgirl]

Hello all!

Like in quite a few of the various background stories on here that I had the pleasure of reading through, hubby was talking about me becoming a hotwife for a long time until I actually got what he was driving at. The thought hadn't really crossed my mind before.

Then it clicked with me and I felt really lucky to have such a great husband who would not only let me go out and have lots of naughty fun but actually take pleasure from it, too. Win, win!

So we set up a profile on a swingers' website and I started chatting to a few guys. I have now found one I could really see myself start my hotwife adventure with. He's very respectful of our relationship too and is keen to get hubby on board and involved.

We had a very sexy chat the other day and I filled hubby in on all the details afterwards. He was really turned on at first but when it sunk in (when he was less horny) that this might actually become reality quite soon, he started worrying that he might get jealous. He hasn't said he's gone off the idea but he suggested moving a potential first meet-up to some time in the not so near future.

I will obviously not do anything without him being completely comfortable with it all but was wondering if any of you had experienced anything like this when you first started out and how you overcame it, if at all.

Thank you!

Ladybird

It is all too common for husbands early in this situation. They have the desire to have us become a Hotwife, but there is a little fear for them as things become "real", maybe faster than they are ready for.
I would say that a very good portion of Hotwives experience this from their husbands. For me and mine, the key was me assuring and reassuring him that he was and always would be, my Number1. It was necessary for him to believe me and to trust me, just as I had to trust him when he said he wanted this. I explained that I had trusted him, and I hoped for the same trust in return.
Talk it out, reassure each other, and move forward when you're ready.

[Duff]

Our first time, I got cold feet even though I had planned and instigated the whole encounter. I even initiated things and let them start. Everything was going fine even after he had penetrated her. The first few minutes of them fucking was fine but as they got more and more sensual and started French kissing things went a little funny for me. She was moaning and reacting to him as she did to me. And then they started making love and that really hit me, they were a couple making love and enjoying each other. The reality hit me like a train but it all quickly dissipated and we never looked back.

[skoot1958]

Maybe plan something simple like meet the chap in a bar have your hubby watch from a distance and just flirt with him

Then will let your hubby take a small step forward

[leo-cpl]

It's fairly common I think, being a husband myself, I can tell you husbands can have a lot of anxiety taking the first step. What will help is communicating and taking small steps where you guys can back off if eventually he does not want to explore it any further.

On the other hand if the first experience goes well and everyone enjoys then it could open the door for lots of possibilities in the future. I suggest the following based more on our experience so far and our first time.
1. Meet the potential guy at least twice casually over drinks at a bar. You can hubby can discuss if he would be around all the time or step out to let you guys hang out one on one (my suggestion would be for you to meet the guy alone if you comfortable and have hubby around the bar and join in 20-30 mins into the meet). That way hubby can watch over you and he might enjoy watching you.
2. I'm guessing hubby might have not been a part of vetting the guy, if he wasn't make a chat group where 3 of you can chat n interact. Hubby needs to be sure too about the guy.
3. I hope the guy has some experience, you do not want the first guy to be a newbie and be flaky or have cold feet (IMO ruins a good start).
4. If the casual meets go well, discuss and establish ground rules and things which are off limits. Understand hubby's concerns and address them together.
5. Avoid the sex chats till you guys meet casually in person, just helps keep expectations of casual meets very realistic.
6. Even for the first casual meet, please make ground rules.

Hope you two can discuss and talk it out, I haven't mentioned this coz its the very basis of a strong and good LS experience. Have fun

[jsawnlim]

No need to jump in all at once, take small steps.

You can all meetup just to see how things click. See how your husband feels if he has his arm around you, etc.

[starlight69]

I never post here, but Ladybird, your post really got me thinking.

If you read OHW, in fact any hotwife and or cuckold site, despite the husbands claiming this is really about their wives, it is foremost male-centered fantasy that drives this whole thing. Even go to literotica, most of the loving wives is written by men. It is mostly men convincing women about what they should want so that the husband can get off from it using a proxy. In this case, wife becomes object, the bull becomes object, the husband, and his fantasy are subject. I love hotwife and cuckold porn. It doesn't change the fact that the husband ultimately wants control of his wife's sexual abandon- even if he is driving her lust from the backseat, so to speak.

That being said, you can, as wife, enjoy the objectification. Many women do because after years of being seen as mom, or financial partner, or religious girl or whatever, sexual objectification (temporarily) can allow anyone to feel desirable and wanton. Drives the libido through the roof and gives the husband a new zeal towards the wife and a third, fourth and fifth help to drive the ego even further. It can be healthy when we are honest about what is happening.

You should be candid about what this all is about and what he is getting out of it and what you are getting out of it. It isn't just for him you are doing it and your enjoyment isn't the major part of why he is doing it- its mostly, for him, about him. You need to step out of the object box, put on the subject shoes, and speak to him about the fact that he needs to shoulder more responsibility over his emotions so that you aren't jerked around. Men don't like feeling like object, and the closer you get to this reality, he is feeling diminutive in his control over your actual emotional and physical enjoyment. Let him know, you aren't going to be able to orgasm on his schedule, or promise zero emotion, nor perfect reaction in this journey. He needs to know that you have to be subject to act and getting you geared up so that you can even be in the mind space to fuck is painful when he jerks the idea back away again. So many women are asked to leap into this and their men get so frustrated- just look at the Wannabe section or hotwife section or the stories section to see how much husbands get antsy and push and manipulate... If you have been at this for months and he has been driving this for years and you have finally found someone you gel with, I'd suggest not to be mean or rude... but tell your husband, he should have to be okay with being a little uncertain... and having some angst, because you can't make it all perfect for him throughout the whole thing and he needs to take some bumps along the way, not just you. Remind him, this is part of the process... partially because you are both real people who are going to have real reactions. My two cents.

[Carlas husband]

It is all too common for husbands early in this situation. They have the desire to have us become a Hotwife, but there is a little fear for them as things become "real", maybe faster than they are ready for.
I would say that a very good portion of Hotwives experience this from their husbands. For me and mine, the key was me assuring and reassuring him that he was and always would be, my Number1. It was necessary for him to believe me and to trust me, just as I had to trust him when he said he wanted this. I explained that I had trusted him, and I hoped for the same trust in return.
Talk it out, reassure each other, and move forward when you're ready.

This is a wonderful piece of advise. I surely need the ‘assure and reassure’ thing.

[2inUPMichigan]

It is fairly common for men who have spent a lot of time hoping and fantasizing to stall or freeze up when they realize their wife is ready to move forward. They have prepared themselves for every one of her objections but did they prepare themselves for her saying yes and what that would mean? In some cases the answer is no.

Once the fantasy leaves your head it will not unfold exactly the same because real people are not actors in a movie.

It is important to continue to talk about any concerns openly and honestly in a nonsexual situation. If he feels insecure then it is important to talk over what steps both of you could take to make him feel more secure.

What types of signals can the two of you develop, that you could use during a meet up or play date so he can signal that he is getting overwhelmed?
Have the two of you discussed any personal boundaries? Maybe there is something he is concerned about or that he would rather not see happen.

At this point the worst case scenario would be for him to shut down, not talk about what is bothering him, and think that putting this off will fix things.
If the two of you can find a solution now by working together that will pave the way for all those future decisions you will need to make.

Good luck!

[jane]

it is super common. i've seen many verified hotwives come and go here after a few months because hubby's get jealous

[mrs_reese]

Very good advice has been given by many of the experienced women in this forum.
My turn!
Can only speak on behalf of my hubby.
In the beginning once his fantasy has been discussed with the Hotwife, and she’s finally on board, I believe he has a “holy shit, what am I getting myself into!” sense of fearful reality moment! There’s many factors that cause this reaction!
Sometimes the Fantasy becomes very overwhelming to the point of obsession, and if hubby is masturbating throughout this process, once orgasm has been achieved, the fantasy is not a factor anymore!
The fantasy is safe zone as well, even if it’s being discussed with you during sex, it’s still safe for hubby, because somewhere in his mind it’s not real!
But once you finally are convinced to play along, this becomes real life for us, full of emotions that not only affect you, but the person you’re trying to hook up with!
Can be a very scary thing for hubby as well as for us.
I’m sure there’s so many concerns you have as well share that with hubby let him know you’re just as afraid as he is and that it’s a shared excitement between both of you.
And then obviously let him
know that he owns your heart.
If he decides to go through with this, it’s gonna be very emotional for you all!
Remember, during the heat of the moment rules could be broken, make sure he understands you’re not a robot or controlled by him as much as you wanna honor every rule that he establishes; they may be broken and if they are, make sure you communicate with him as soon as possible so it’s not a secret.
And lastly, do not ever be embarrassed or ashamed. If you decide to play with another person you own this girl it’s about you and your body and that comes first.

[Ladybird]

Thank you everyone for your really thoughtful comments and advice! I'm quite overwhelmed actually. What a journey all this is!

We're definitely communicating and will of course continue to do so. These past few years when he talked about it, I always felt a step behind him as he was the main driving force. Now he handed the reigns to me, so to speak and I find myself a step ahead of him.
I guess we both need to get used to the new pace and the developments taking.

I think my difficulty was and is mainly that one day it's full steam ahead and the next day he expresses some concerns. I of course completely understand that this is from the fantasy turning into reality, possibly, but that results in the same emotional roller coaster for me too.

It's funny really. I was nervous about the emotional side at the start of the process. Now that I'm talking to a very promising candidate, that has gone as in my mind the two are very clearly separate. I will try and communicate that to hubby.

[fireman]

All good advice given, for me “the husband” it was my idea. After the initial talks we had and lengthy discussion over the whole thing, she took the reins with looking for the right guy. That was super fun and hot for both of us. She found a guy that was a great fit and after a couple weeks of constant messaging a date was set. I honestly do not think that the feeling of jealousy EVER arose. I would categorize it as anxiety and nervousness. I knew that I couldn’t un-ring that bell, so to speak, once the door shut to the hotel door. She was excited, majorly turned on and did her best to make sure I was ok. We booked a nice hotel that had a good bar and a couple football games were on. If I remember correctly, I probably had 6 beers in the span of 30 mins until I calmed down a bit. She was so good at communication with me until she wasn’t. I texted her when she said I love you. My text stayed on delivered. So I knew she was busy. About 40 mins passed and I got a text saying round one was over, and they wanted to go again, but she would wrap it up if I wasn’t ok. I totally wanted to text back “please be done” but I didn’t. I told her to have fun and that I was good. So they fucked two more times, lol. It was probably 3 hours before I saw her. She looked beautiful. She was happy, I had 8 million questions and of course wanted to know everything. So she did the best she could to recount the action for me. I don’t think a jealous person would be a good fit for this lifestyle, I would venture to say that your husband probably has the same feelings that I had. It’s all a fantasy until it’s not. I still get the nervous/anxious feeling. I don’t think I would enjoy this near as much if I didn’t. So maybe help him channel/understand that those feelings are part of the fun and hotness of it all.

[Lookingforadventure]

I just read your post. First, I want to say congratulations on making this decision together as a couple. I also want to congratulate you on finding a guy that you are excited about meeting. Those are both huge steps. Take a moment to celebrate them. I think you should also celebrate that your husband felt comfortable enough voicing his worries to you. That kind of trust and communication will be key as you go forward, and I'm so glad that it is already evident.

As for advice, it sounds like you've received some great ideas already. In my case, we used group chats during the "get to know you" phase so that my husband felt included in the build up. As I got to know the guy, so did he. Plus, he got to witness my increasing flirtatiousness and some of our sexting conversation. Then we could talk about how he felt (Note: he loved it...and he would fuck me afterwards).

When we had our first meet and greet with the guy I chose, it came up unexpectedly and was supposed to be very g-rated. My husband came along and the guy asked both him and I if it would be ok if he kissed me. We both agreed. That gave us another chance to check-in about jealousy. (All I saw was a huge smile on my husband's face).

I ended up giving the new guy a blowjob, which was a surprise to all of us. When we parted ways with the guy, my husband and I debriefed. I was worried that he'd see me differently, or that he'd be jealous. If he was, then we would have stopped things from going any further in the future...but he was surprised by how good he felt about it all.

I hope that if you go slow and communicate well, you will have a similar experience.

[Ladybird]

You're absolutely right, Lookingforadventure. They are big steps and definitely worth celebrating.

We've had a good chat about the next steps now and agreed to set up a non-sexy date soon and if we can translate the chemistry from chat to real life, to then set a playdate afterwards. He wants to take it slowly, which I of course understand and isn't yet sure if he can handle it being present or if he would prefer me to play solo.

He's also started chatting to the guy which has helped because he wasn't a part of that before and therefore a step behind me in that regard. I guess a group chat would have been a good idea!

I will see how everything progresses.

[Her number1]

Ladybird, As much as we want it, it's still a growing time for husbands.
Take your time so you are both enjoying the journey, check in with your husband often, and reassure him. Chances are that you will both learn to love the whole journey and LS.
Either way, it can supercharge your marriage!

[aztd]

Most times the husbands get comfortable with it sooner. Some just can't wait. I appreciate that you're respecting his boundaries. Hope you both get what you want

[skoot1958]

I think a non sexual first encounter is a good step forward will this be the 3 of you or just you and the potential play mate, with hubby be close to watch, so he can understand his emotions

[Tryagain]

There is a lot of good advice here. I would add that you specifically discuss with him that he should know that you might react with extreme passion and cum multiple times. And he should not compare himself to the new guy. After all he is new and that in and of itself may cause you to enjoy things in a way that perhaps they no longer do or do occasionally.

I speak from experience. The first time she went absolutely wild with excitement. They fucked for a much longer period of time that we did. After that she grabbed him asking for more. So they fucked again.

By this time I had had enough of this. But my wife was so into things, she grabbed his cock again and he fucked her for the third time.

I was so shocked by what happened, that I told her I did not want to do it again. I was not prepared for her reaction. So prepare him for this.

[Threeisacharm]

One other consideration is that while he may be getting cold feet, he will appreciate you taking charge and taking away the decision. One of the hottest experiences I had, I was away for work and got home early a day early and her date showed up and she just fucked him in front of me.

[Threeisacharm]

One other consideration is that while he may be getting cold feet, he will appreciate you taking charge and taking away the decision. One of the hottest experiences I had, I was away for work and got home early a day early and her date showed up and she just fucked him in front of me.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

Wow! The replies on this post are superb. This should be collated into a pinned post for newbies (husbands and wives).

As a husband, I never had a moment's doubt when Shelley decided to move forward. Not even a hint of insecurity. But after following this board for 16 years, I realize that's rather unusual and most guys have conflicted feelings as their fantasy advances toward reality. As most have said, communication and trust are key to getting past that and essential to a successful relationship like this in the long run.

2inUPMichigan makes a particularly great observation:

At this point the worst case scenario would be for him to shut down, not talk about what is bothering him, and think that putting this off will fix things.

That silent behavior she describes seems to be a common early symptom with guys who aren't ready to take the big step.