No Watching

[RemMb36+]

New here, so if this has been addresses before, I can follow a link:
My wife of just over 20 years and I have had the "talk".
Days of not talking about it followed by "Are you sure you are ok with this?" (her speaking).
Anyway, she is okay with being a hotwife, but says I can't watch! She claims she would act differently if she knew I was watching.

Ball in my court as she's kind of talking more about different men she knows.

Thoughts?

[Naplescuck]

I’m a wannabe, have had these desires for 20 plus years easy, and my wife knows……..if she ever took the plunge, I don’t care how she does it, if she wants me there, not there, whatever…….it might be my idea, but it’s her pussy! So she sets the rules, to be honest, I would be turned on and harder than I’ve ever been in my entire life, if she actually just told me she was fucking another guy!! Oh, and that he was so much bigger and better than me would be an added boner, oops , bonus

[2inUPMichigan]

There are lots of variations in the way couples play. Thankfully there is no rule book that says you have to do this a specific way.

When we first started we intended for my husband to be in the room watching. That all changed at our first meet and greet. He told me after that date that he didn't think he would like it if he were watched so he was concerned that I might feel uncomfortable too. We came to the mutual agreement that it would be better if I played solo.

Thinking back that was a good decision because I'm not an exhibitionist by nature, so putting on a show like that wouldn't be a turn on.

[tony090909]

Like Naplescuck I've been a wannabe for 20+ years and I have to agree with what he says. It's your wife's pussy so she sets the rules. It's possible that she might soften that view after the first few times. I've had the conversation with my wife about sharing her and she has said no and doubly no to me watching her being fucked. I can imagine there are lots of wives who would say no to being watched, you are fortunate yours has said yes to being a hotwife, I'd be content with that and hope that at some stage in the future she will modify her views and allow you to watch.

[Pufferfish]

It is a common discussion here, and there are a lot of opinions on the matter. The correct answer is whatever you and your wife decide is the correct answer. There is no wrong answer.

Some couples are of the opinion that whatever the wife wants to do is fine, and the husband has no say. That she can meet alone, keep secrets, and whatever she decides to tell the husband is up to her. If you're into that humiliation and female domination stuff, that might be ok, but I look at it as a lack of trust at best (in either direction), and deceitful at worst. I personally, have a major problem with this rationale.

Some couples view this as something they are in and do together. That neither one is unhappy with the choices and arrangement. Maybe the husband is allowed to watch or participate in certain ways. Maybe the wife goes alone but records her encounter or vividly describes what happened to the husband. Whatever is decided, is decided together. There is compromise, but it's not a "my way or not at all" ultimatum.

My wife is the most shy person I've ever met. She was VERY uncomfortable with me being there to watch, but that was mostly due to her not fully trusting that I wanted it to happen and was nervous I would try to fight him or be mad at her or something. I wanted to be there the first time at least, but was willing to accept some solo activities if she wanted. Now, she only wants to do stuff with me there watching, as she likes to watch my reaction and views it as something we do together and only fair. She gets the pleasure, I get the show. And everyone is happy. She doesn't want me to feel left out, and everyone knows that there are no secrets. And it feels like something we do together because we do.

In the end, it's your and your wife's choices that determine what happens. It sounds to me as if more understanding and communication needs to happen first. Why she would be uncomfortable? Is there a lack of trust or understanding? Why she's only comfortable being solo? But if everyone is happy with the arrangement, that's all that matters.

[SharingHer84]

My wife wanted to explore non-monogamy and it was absolutely out of the question that I would watch or be involved. The whole point was for her to explore other dynamics of sexuality, since I had been her only partner, so that means if I was involved in any way that would defeat the purpose.

So she had her boyfriend who she would spend time with, sometimes platonic, sometimes involving sex. I would be told if anything sexual happened after, as that was a requirement from me, but not told of any the details as she felt that was private and talking about it made her uncomfortable.

I would have preferred to know more and to vicariously enjoy things to a higher degree to increase my compersion, but I also respect the concept of wives doing these things for themselves and not simply as tools carrying out their husband's cuckold kink/fantasies. The extreme other side, where the husband facilitates and precisely directs every detail is very unappealing to me, because it seems very unsexy and unsatisfying for the wife.

[Marinecuckplease]

Perhaps request a threesome as you would like to explore that in YOUR sexuality too. And express you think you can handle it but cant be sure. Buy including your desire to explore it may tweak her view. Tell her you always wanted to worship her but never had enough mouths or hands to do it properly and you would like to experience it WITH her.

[RemMb36+]

Thanks for all the great tips. We have been talking a lot about it over the last couple of weeks, that's why I posted.
I do feel she's right about acting different if I were watching, I'm thinking that she'll chicken out before much happens anyway.
My wife and her two BFF are going on a girl's night out, this Friday. Pre-Covid, they would go out once every 4-6 weeks, taking in a play, art show or just shopping. It started back up again in April and in May, they attended a play at the Civic Theatre, followed by going to a nice bar at the Radisson, downtown.
My wife kept me in the loop, texting what they were doing, but the messages got further apart after a couple of guys joined them at the bar.
She insists that nothing happened but needed a quick shower, when she got home about 1:30 - she says a drink spilled on her. Now, she seems to "daydream" more and when I ask, she just says she's got a lot on her mind.
She's always on her phone or her Nook, she reads a lot and Face Book is of interest to her.
She's hinted that Friday, they may go to a club, downtown, but nothing definite, yet. A single guy at work goes to that club but won't say much about that club, but he says it's a hot place to be.
My wife is two years younger than me, she's 42, and through Covid, has been suffering age crises, some of that might be because of the twenty-something woman who started recently at her work.
I know that each person is different, and I can't walk in her shoes - since she wears heels mostly, now, but I hope she doesn't do something too crazy and get hurt.
I know we love each other; I think she's bored in bed, toys, positions and role-playing are not helping, and feels old and unattractive.
She was born under the sign of the bull, and I know not to push, just help her discover.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

[Christinebitg]

I’m a wannabe, have had these desires for 20 plus years easy, and my wife knows……..if she ever took the plunge, I don’t care how she does it, if she wants me there, not there, whatever…….it might be my idea, but it’s her pussy! So she sets the rules, to be honest, I would be turned on and harder than I’ve ever been in my entire life, if she actually just told me she was fucking another guy!! Oh, and that he was so much bigger and better than me would be an added boner, oops , bonus

I am pretty similar to that. Technically I'm not a wannbe, but close to it, since she only very occasionally gets together with any of her guy friends who have "benefits privileges." She knows that I would be thrilled if she did it more.

I'm never allowed to watch or participate in any way. That's the way she wants it.

A few years ago, she asked to be released from our agreement to tell me "everything." She said she didn't think it was fair to guys she's intimate with.

I was disappointed by that, but I didn't have any hesitation in agreeing to it. First, because (as above) it's her pussy, and so it's her rules.

Second, because I figured that if I didn't agree to it, she might completely stop seeing guys. Given the choice between her not seeing guys and her not telling me the details, it was an easy choice for me to agree to it.

I did get her to agree to tell me when something happens. (She has always had approval to do it first and tell me about it later. That is, no prior approval needed.) But I suspect she may have not told me a couple of times. That's just because she's very private about things like that, and I'm sure she was uncomfortable about admitting to it with me.

[Farmgirl]

New here, so if this has been addresses before, I can follow a link:
My wife of just over 20 years and I have had the "talk".
Days of not talking about it followed by "Are you sure you are ok with this?" (her speaking).
Anyway, she is okay with being a hotwife, but says I can't watch! She claims she would act differently if she knew I was watching.

Ball in my court as she's kind of talking more about different men she knows.

Thoughts?

It sounds like your wife has expressed her desire for how she wants it to work. The question is, have you completely expressed your desires? If she still doesn't want you to watch, is that a deal-breaker for you?
These are just some of the things that you two will have to work out by openly communicating.
Just as being there to watch can be inclusive, so can not being there be just as inclusive. Loving, open, and honest couples do it both ways. Some do a combination of each. It is all normal.
Some wives don't mind putting on a show, others don't want to put on a show. They are both right
Some husbands want to watch, some think they do until they do, and others are very happy hearing about it after the fact. Again, it's all normal and right.

[RemMb36+]

My wife reminded me of a saying we had when we crewed for a hot air balloon - I'd rather be on the ground, wishing I was in the air, than in the air, wishing I was on the ground.
I have tried to think through the possibilities and I think, at least for now, I'll not be there to watch.
Looks like they're going to the casino tomorrow night instead of the club, so probably won't happen, anyway.

[RemMb36+]

I wasn't going to post it but, last night we were talking about her going out and she said, "What happens if he's just like you? The idea was something different to jar me out of this grumpy mood."
I told her that even if he were the o, he would be different.
That depressing thought put a damper on my mood.

[Pufferfish]

I wasn't going to post it but, last night we were talking about her going out and she said, "What happens if he's just like you? The idea was something different to jar me out of this grumpy mood."
I told her that even if he were the o, he would be different.
That depressing thought put a damper on my mood.

What do you mean by "what happens if he's just like you?"

Is that a negative implication that he might not rock her world in bed? Or that he might want you there watching? Or not any better or worse? Or what? Kind of a confusing statement.

Regardless, you'll never know what you'll actually feel when it happens. You can do your best to prepare for it, but you won't know until you do. Maybe you'll like it as much as you think you will. Maybe, as I do, you'll like it even more. Maybe you'll hate it and yourself for going through with it. You have to put in serious thought and be ready for anything, and willing to accept the outcome.

[respectabullinma]

It's important to remember that there is no one right way to do "this", except that it has to satisfy and work for both partners to work at all. So your next talk would be about your needs and wants and desires for this. You have to be able to explain what you want out of this, in detail. She needs to understand your side of this before she can really accept that empowerment and even think of making this fantasy a reality. So talk, compromise, discuss. Many couples enjoy a range of experiences in this lifestyle - MFMs, husband watching/serving, wife solo...

I will say, that IMHO, it is really important that you be involved in the first few playdates because you need to understand that it's real. Seeing it, feeling it, hearing it... as it all develops and occurs, is essential to knowing if this lifestyle is really for you. Emotions and angst can pop up unexpectedly and come on very fast and being there is a great opportunity to deal with them immediately rather than letting you get overwhelmed by not knowing. Good luck!

[Greg_N_Shelley]

As most have stated already, there is no right/wrong formula. Just what works best for both of you.

Like Pufferfish’s wife, Shelley is naturally shy and always wanted me present in the early days. We started with threesomes and quickly progressed to me in a largely spectator role. She also viewed our HW fun as an act of intimacy between three of us, not just her and another guy.

Once she did start occasionally meeting her regular bull alone, she videoed the sessions so I still could also enjoy the experience as a participant—even if only voyeuristically. And to this day those are still some of my favorites due to the fact she initiated the fun and seemed to enjoy it differently without my presence. But I was still able to fully enjoy the experience thanks to the video.

If she wanted to meet him alone with no video, I probably would have given my blessing. But I know it would've felt a lot less fulfilling. Empty even. At that point the intimacy would only be about them and not us as a couple.

All of us guys here seem to derive similar pleasure from our wives’ adventures, but with emphasis on different aspects. For me, witnessing the magnificent beauty of her erotic pleasure and sensuality when she’s with another man was a very major element of the experience. For cuckolds, the psycho-dynamics of submission and humiliation often seem more important than directly witnessing her pleasure.

It really depends on what both of you are seeking and also fits your level of trust.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I will say, that IMHO, it is really important that you be involved in the first few playdates because you need to understand that it's real. Seeing it, feeling it, hearing it... as it all develops and occurs, is essential to knowing if this lifestyle is really for you.

I generally agree. Yet also realize some with a strong cuckold bent may fully enjoy being left out to "struggle" alone with the amplified feelings angst not knowing what's going on.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

One last thought...

If she's going to the casino and conversing a lot with him, it seems she may be trying to establish a level of comfort or emotional foundation necessary for intimacy. If she's mentally and emotionally sober, that's probably cool as a segue to upcoming sex. If she isn't, you may wish to play together your first encounters so she clearly sees this as an extension of your relationship as a couple and guard against any guy who may be prone to manipulating her.

Read the recent post thread in the Hotties section by MassMinuteman for a cautionary tale on this matter.

[parklife]

During our own bedroom fantasy fun, my wife often talks of me watching her or being there…. But, in actual playtime, she has only ever played alone. Some of that is her call moderate level.. I mean, I’m sure being the third would take away from the connection and experience of the two. That’s only natural.. y less than is to play as a throuple in a MFM threesome. That’s something I’ve never had the desire to do. Early on, I was adamant that I wouldn’t actually want to be there live to watch her although my stance on that has somewhat changed and I do hope to watch her one day in person. Certainly not with her current FWB situation…. But maybe someday I the future with someone else.

As many have said…. All comes down to what works for the two of you and what you both can handle. Early on, I don’t think my wife could have enjoyed me being there watching…. It’d be too much of a distraction. And I wouldn’t be comfortable either…. Though, the fantasy is and always has been hot. For us, it’s one of those things that is better left fantasy. For now.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I wasn't going to post it but, last night we were talking about her going out and she said, "What happens if he's just like you? The idea was something different to jar me out of this grumpy mood."
I told her that even if he were the o, he would be different.
That depressing thought put a damper on my mood.

Like Pufferfish, I'm still curious what you meant by this. Why would "being just like you" be a disappointment?

[RemMb36+]

She wants to do things to spice up the bedroom and a carbon copy is never as good as the original.
We both want to try new things, so to speak.
We've discussed and tried a lot in the last 20 years and still love each other.

[pixwellguy]

......Anyway, she is okay with being a hotwife, but says I can't watch! She claims she would act differently if she knew I was watching.

As others have quite rightly said, there is no "right or wrong" way to do this. Every couple develops different routines, and they should be based on what satisfies both of them.

It's quite normal for women not to want their partner/husband to watch when they are with another man, particularly in the beginning, when they are first learning how to enjoy this lifestyle. Your wife is quite right to say she'd act differently with you there: She's taking a huge and potentially dangerous step here, and it's quite normal that she'd be worried about your reactions. That in turn would make her act differently with the other man, and not be able to focus on enjoying it completely (and you want her to enjoy it completely, right?).

My suggestion is that if you want this to happen, it has to happen primarily on her terms, or it may not happen at all. Make sure you both talk about it, though - let her know that you hope you'd eventually be able to watch (and participate, if that's the kind of variation you want). In time that may happen...or it may not. You need to be good with it either way.

[pixwellguy]

I wasn't going to post it but, last night we were talking about her going out and she said, "What happens if he's just like you? The idea was something different to jar me out of this grumpy mood."
I told her that even if he were the o, he would be different.
That depressing thought put a damper on my mood.

Like Pufferfish, I'm still curious what you meant by this. Why would "being just like you" be a disappointment?

Because "variety is the spice of life." She wants the excitement of the new, of learning about a new man, both physically and otherwise. She may be quite content and happy with her husband, but may also want to explore new things and enjoy that "new relationship experience" that we all know is a big part of this lifestyle.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I wasn't going to post it but, last night we were talking about her going out and she said, "What happens if he's just like you? The idea was something different to jar me out of this grumpy mood."
I told her that even if he were the o, he would be different.
That depressing thought put a damper on my mood.

Like Pufferfish, I'm still curious what you meant by this. Why would "being just like you" be a disappointment?

Because "variety is the spice of life." She wants the excitement of the new, of learning about a new man, both physically and otherwise. She may be quite content and happy with her husband, but may also want to explore new things and enjoy that "new relationship experience" that we all know is a big part of this lifestyle.

I suspected so too. But the way it was expressed sounded a little self-depricating.

[RemMb36+]

Thanks again for all the thoughts and advice.
Her girl's night out with her two bff did happen Friday night. New experiences for them all, and my wife and I are trying to sort through all the feelings from that night out.
We'd talked about this for many months but, when it actually happens, the experience is different than any thoughts we had.
We love each other and we will get through it all.
Wouldn't even try to guess what tomorrow will bring.
Thanks.

[respectabullinma]

I generally agree. Yet also realize some with a strong cuckold bent may fully enjoy being left out to "struggle" alone with the amplified feelings angst not knowing what's going on.

I definitely agree with the last part of the statement... once a cuckold proves that he can handle it in person...