Our Hotwives

We have discussed the opportunity for my wife to have sex with another man now for just over a year. The closest we have got is for her to kiss and have her stockinged legs felt up, watching this was a huge turn on so to see her having sex with another man would be unbelieavable.

We have tried the swinging route too, we have met up with 2 different cpls now and have got on really well, we even visited a swingers club hich we liked a lot, we used their sex swing and had sex in their play room with other people around us having sex and all watching each other, it was fantastic.

However since we came back from our holiday she has decided that she dont want to have sex with anyone else........

We had a discussion about it last night, she says she is back at stage 1 where she doesn't want to have sex with another guy, however she has said that before and i have told you how far i got with her. We talked about it being just another man rather than a cpl to see if that would get e response.....but she said she just doesnt feel like she wants to.

She agreed that the 2 couples we met were nice but the men didnt do it for her, she also said that she dont want to go through all the ups and downs that we went through last time of how we should do it etc etc etc.

What do you think, anyone else experienced this....will she change her mind one day?

If you value your marriage and treasure your wife as a lady, listen to her. Her pleasure and her state of well-being is paramount. At this point, it's clear that she doesn't want to participate in the lifestyle. If I had to guess, I'd say that it is you who is initiating the discussion when everyou two talk about it. If it not already, it will eventually be perceived as pressure, and that's damaging to your relationship and marriage. This is something that both people in a strong relationship have to want, for it to work right.

Will she ever come around? Maybe, maybe not. My wife changed over time. While there were multiple factors affecting her attitude, one important one was that I listened to fantasies and indulged her in HER special sexual desire. It led to her opening up and being equally receptive to mine, and we have ventured together on a the hotwife/cuckold/swinging adventure. And she's loving it.

It's not at all unusual for a woman to change perspectives on this. It can happen with such rapidity and conviction that it is thoroughly puzzling to us men. It just doesn't seem to make "sense".

Don't try to make sense of it, and don't try to determine whether she will or she won't change her mind. If she will change her mind again, it will be more likely to happen if you fully accept where she is right now. A big part of this for many women is the feeling of being in control of their sexuality. When hotwifing starts to feel to them like they are being made to do something they don't want to do, they can react this way. It doesn't have to mean that you did something to make her feel that way. It can just feel that way for any number of reasons. But the worst thing possible is to try to resist it, or to persuade her, reason with her, etc.

When she feels in control, she will feel sexy again. If that means she resumes hotwifing, great. If not, there are still plenty of benefits to you when she feels sexy.

As the saying goes... if I had a nickle for every time.

Mrs B and I go back and forth on how many years it took between first mention of the subject and first time with an MFM. 15 years is my reckoning. No $#1+

I would agree with the two previous posters. Back off for a while, maybe even a few months. The wait is worth it.

Yes, you HAVE to let it be as much her choice as it is yours. It sounds like maybe there were some uncomfortable situations in your past experiences that has given her a reason to step back. Take the time to examine those situations and look within yourself and the others involved and figure out what you might be able to address with her to let her feel comfortable with moving forward once again. Good luck to you and your lady.

Mr. Panzer

It can happen with such rapidity and conviction that it is thoroughly puzzling to us men. It just doesn't seem to make "sense".

This was a spot on quote......before we went on holiday she was ok with taking small steps etc, we came back and she said she doesn't want to do it anymore. Yes i was puzzled and a bit fed up for a few weeks, couldnt help myself to be honest.

Yes it is me that instigates the discussions, i suppose i have wanted to try to understand why she changed her mind all of a sudden.

The advice that you have all given so far has been great, its good to hear others have been in same situation as myself.

You'll have to sound her out on what men DO do it for her, and listen. What you may envision as potential bf may be different from her version. It never ceases to amaze me what ctwifey finds attractive, and isn't always what I thought she'd like. Let her drive for awhile and maybe not put so much thought into it beforehand. Sometimes they enjoy it better on a spur of the moment thing. Less complicated and "planned"..

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Seems to me there are several clues here.

She is willing to move her sexual boundaries when she is

1) away on vacation; or
2) in an environment that is intended for sexual play exclusively.

She also doesn't want to talk about her attitudes, feelings, or reasoning behind changing her mind and pulling back from becoming sexual with someone other than you. In fact she doesn't talk about it unless you bring it up.

Sexual adventure for her may need to be a more spontaneous, less planned out, event than it is for you. The desire to just be sexual and not think about it or talk about it may be part of an attitude framework that she sees sex and love as intermingled. If she holds to this attitude she may be ambivalent at best about sex outside marriage.

I don't know if this is the case with your wife. But from what you wrote she seems to have a need to get outside her daily routine to go where you want to take her.

Wow, golf_dr, do you know my wife...lol

She certainly seems more responsive when we have been to a swingers club, she even said she was happy to continue to go there, we went there 3 times. The first time we just sat in a corner and watched people passing through to the play rooms etc or upstairs to the private rooms, when we got back to our hotel room we had great sex. The 2nd time we went with a cpl that we had previously met, they knew we were taking small steps and still remain good friends, this time we went upstairs and had sex in a private room on our own and again when we got back to our hotel room. Our 3rd visit was on our own again and this time we used the sex swing in a private room before going in to the jacuzzi and chatting with another cpl, then we went in to the main play area where we had sex on a bed on the outside edge whilst watching others and being watched. This then made our sex very hot for a cpl of weeks, cause we kept thinking about being at this club.

When you pointed out that she dont want to talk about it etc you were spot on, i am always talking to her that she never instigates sex let alone talk about it. Maybe the spontaneous side would be better for her.

She said it was whilst we were on vacation that she decided she didnt want to, she said it was cause i had said one night whilst we were having sex that i had been picturing her with another man, but its not something i had not said before.

My first wife would seldom if ever agree to any kind of sex outside of straight monagamy vanilla when the subject was broached, however put in an erotic situation and she'd get wet and willing. Then, away from the stimuli, she'd again refuse to consider anything erotic, even renting a XXX movie. My current wife gets really annoyed and turned off if the subject of extra curricular sexual activities is raised during our love making, and getting her to open up in those situations is like talking Swahili to a blank wall. Yet if I ask her matter of factly outside of the bedroom, she will give a reasoned response, the vast majority of times in the affirmative.

So, any advice we give you without knowing your wife is guesswork on our part.

You mentioned in your initial post that you . From what you have told us, the "opportunity" appears more for you than for her. I agree with most of the other posters and suggest that you bring it up less frequently, and be honest with her that you find her sexy as Hell and admit that the turn on would be mostly for you. Also, I suspect the majority of wives have no interest in going straight from monagamy to hotwife with no intermediate steps, so maybe ask her to take part in some lesser, safer, not so threatening erotic activities such as going to dinner in a dress but no pantyhose, maybe posing for some private nude photos, who knows, maybe even an erotic massage. If she likes it she may go further, if she doesn't, you've got the choice of living with it or finding your erotica outside of the marriage.

Hi,

Heh...Not laughing so much as relating...

I often decide that I am going to just do my thing with my husband and no one else. I have no idea why, it just happens. I talked at length with my husband for years before I had our first mfm. After that, it was a looong while before I decided that I wanted to dip my toe in it again.

To be honest, when you feel like your sex is terrific with your partner/husband, then you try it with someone else, often times it just doesn't feel as great, because the emotional aspect and trust are usually not there to begin with. That trust and love I feel for my husband allows me feel safe and those feelings enable me to let go..

I am aware that I have full permission to have sexual relations with someone other than my husband. That doesn't mean that I take him up on it all the time. There are other aspects of my life that have priority and I just put it on the back burner. If there is a family involved, there is also the added aspect of logistics. That often times makes the whole experience of playing not so fun. The time, the arranging, etc.

The two of you have experienced some out of the norm sex already. She wants to cool her jets. Love her. Give her a kiss and let her go about her way. She's got it in her brain. Leave her with a positive impression with the option of making her own sexual decisions in the future. It is empowering for me to know I have options if I choose to take them. It also turns my husband on knowing that I am out everyday, interacting with people with the ability to possibly start up a sexual relationship with someone.

Unfortunately we can't change other people, we can only change our own thoughts and perceptions. Sex is only one aspect of a great relationship. This may be a time of reflection for her. You have to feel good about what you are doing or it makes the whole experience feel more nasty than naughty. No offense to anyone who is nasty or likes nasty...

Good luck and keep us posted.

Best,
Rebecca


I

I concur.
Knowing that IRIS can possibly have a whimsical moment,
at any time,
is part of the fun.

Just today, she had to make a trip to IKEA, and she texted her new friend
(as his office was nearby),
"do you want to make out in the car during lunch?"
...acting on a spur of the moment, thought.

IRIS texted me what her new plans for the day were,
and I later texted, asking if she had left yet.
I got back this text-

"Am here. Just made out and jerked him off.
He is now late for his meeting. LOLOLOL !!"

...so, yeah, spontaneity from IRIS having 'freedom'
to 'act' on her mood, IS Fun !!

Just an update: not much to report really:

Recently my wife has been checking a site that we used for arranging meets, or more to the point she has been checking up on messages that have been sent and recieved. I knew this but said nothing, anyhow, one night she mentioned it and it was more like her having a go at me and asking why i still go on the site. I explained that i just like to look and it would be rude not to reply to people who message us, i did say it would be nice to meet people and make friends as some people had asked to meet us just for the social side.

She said that she dont understand why and is unsure about any meets as she knows i would be thinking that i want more than just a meet and may eventually push her in to trying something that she does not want to do. I do not seem to be able to convince her that it would just be fun and that we have had some fun times before with just meets and that we have never gone any further than that before.

Its just strange that i had said nothing about it all and that it was her who brought the subject up.

Whats your thoughts?

Is this something or not?

Its been talked about and she knows how you feel about it.. Give her time and see if she brings it up again by herself.

The pot is still simmering.

The hardest part for me is to not mention it though.....I am always the instigator, if i dont say or suggest anything then nothing will happen, i have tried and waited but nothing.

Roadrunner do you think the pot could be simmering, i hope so.....like i said, i had said nothing and then she checked on the site at messages and then spoke to me about it, i wondered if it was because it had been on her mind...

"Prest the pest"?

From what you say she's certainly been trying this out at your request but perhaps her heart just isn't into it yet. Could it be that the RIGHT man hasn't come along?

I'm guessing that on vacation you ignored her plea to simply love her just for who she is, true-romance style, without discussing HWing, and you blew it. Now she's angry and you're paying the price.

Advice? I'd back off and renew your love for her as simply your darling wife. She knows what you want... you'll get it when SHE wants it, not before. Stop being a "pest".

(If I remember correctly, that was your problem before.)

Hi Matt2, you remember me, lol..

I think you could be right. We had an amazing vacation but she did say that one night when we were having sex i did say that i was imagining her with other men, she said it was then that she decided that she didnt want to be with anyone else.

In the last few days i have started again by just complementing her on how she looks etc and it has already drawn us closer together. I still think of her with another man and yes she does know that i think about it.

"Prest the pest" your probably right here too.....

I do think though that she would like to if the right man came along, i just think she is concerned about how good or how she will be seen by the other person.......

My wife is also very reluctant to try this.

A year ago, after a year of talking about this, and how to go about it, we eventually had to mention birth control / saftey, etc.

After some experiemental role-playing which was right before her annual exam, low and behold she comes home with the pill, telling me I am a lucky guy as her periods will now be shorter and I'll be able to have more sex with her. That of course was a hill of beans and I busted her on it and she admitted she got them "in case we try". This was a concious choice during the sober light of day and I celebrated. Woot!

She promptly quit taking them and told me she wished she wouldn't have role-played with the "stranger".

Of course she is still turned on by it all and part of her loves every single minute of it, and now says "soon" to me. But the point is becareful how you react to your wife's small steps if you want to keep moving forward.

Your posts have always contained the "ring of truth" to them and I could often see a little of myself in your sentences. Lord knows I made lots of mistakes along the way, mostly because I didn't have a "group" like OHW to rely on for guidance.


My wife and I had this issue as well, only in my case it hit much harder AFTER we started than before. There were many times she just wanted to embrace the purity and sparkle of the untarnished love that brought us together in the first place, and mention of THIS particular topic was abrasive and ruined the moment. Being a typical male I could never understand that, nor could I predict when it was going to happen. I always knew afterwards, though, that I had screwed up bigtime by misreading her needs!

The only "signal" I ever had that told me the topic of HWing was open for discussion was, during lovemaking, she'd whisper, "Put your fantasy hat on." Then I knew it was safe to bring it up, and describing a role-play of her and a lover would bring on a powerful orgasm.


"Hot sex" is equally HOT for both genders. But for our wonderful women, especially those caught in the clutches of uncertainty (for whatever reason,) discussing it openly makes it far too real and frightening. Limiting the topic to the dark recesses of their minds seems much more comfortable. I can understand that now - reasoning and logic isn't unnecessary when you're only "thinking about" what it might be like.


I'm convinced that "the right man" makes the difference once the seed is planted, like the straw that broke the camel's back. Concern for "how it looks" is why there's the understandable desire to go WAY off the reservation to try it the first time. On the other hand, most of OUR firsts were with close friends that we knew we could trust to make light of it all, and prevent influencing our friendship. For the most part that worked for us.

Still finding it hard not to talk about it, but i am not being Prest the pest!!

I just find it so difficult, i look at images etc and all i can think of is how amazing it would be to see my darling wife being pleasured....i still sometimes cant understand why i want it so much.

I will keep posting to keep you all up to date on how / if we progress.

Do you think i should bring up just meeting someone socially again or not?

Bring her to this site and let her read.

I suspect most wives are not interested in being shared with another man for whatever reason, particularly to give her husband pleasure. I also suspect most wives know their husbands pretty well and when he talks about giving her the "opportunity" to be with another man, or lets just meet for a social contact, she knows it is bull sh.. .

I'm fortunate. My wife enjoys being a hotwife even though on a limited basis. For those whose wives have little interest I don't know what the answer is. Maybe getting her to try limited erotica such as wearing a dress and no panties to a concert, flashing in a hotel room, going to a nude beach, etc. and the husband keeping his promise that he will respect her limits absolutely and will not try to push for more.

allen, that is what my husband did.....sat me down in front of the computer