Giving up is not so bad

[Mumfred]

After trying to figure out the hotwife lifestyle for us, for many years ,my wife told me she simply is not interested. I turned on a dime and I stopped fantasizing about her with other men, stopped looking at hotwife porn and mostly stayed off of here. After a couple weeks I was pretty much able to get it off my mind and not think about it. I was no longer frustrated with not moving forward or having to try and figure out situations that would work. If you find yourself frustrated a lot I would suggest giving it a try.

[leggysman]

I sympathize, and I'm glad you feel like you're in a good place.

Assuming you have the same kink as the rest of us, however, I suspect it will be back. Obsessing about a kink isn't good (that's a fetish). Blocking it out isn't particularly healthy either. Have you tried to avoid thinking about sex in order to achieve this equanimity?

IMHO, having a vivid fantasy life is healthy, and good for you. Many fantasies can never become reality; that's life, and we all have to accept that.

But that doesn't mean we can't keep getting off to our fantasies, in our private moments

[ucaneffher]

Couple of weeks is nothing... I went 2-3 years telling myself I was done after ending with the only woman who had cucked me, but here 12 years later going crazy wishing that my partner would seriously break the news one day.. just wishing that she would admit to having an affair for the last 6 months or something even if not the ideal situation for the lifestyle.

I just want to get back in my old routine of knowing my weekends I stay home by myself jerking while she is out the whole weekend and that weeknights she goes out several nights with various men. It took me some adjusting to her absence but the reward when she came back was far greater than being left alone for extended periods. I just wish that my current girlfriend would also follow the hot GF path and get herself in a similar promiscuous program of going out most week nights and spending weekends away.

I am on the brink of giving up though... I don't know if my current gf is built to be promiscuous despite being a flirt sometimes and having already gone on many dates

[WannaBeMaybe35]

After trying to figure out the hotwife lifestyle for us, for many years ,my wife told me she simply is not interested. I turned on a dime and I stopped fantasizing about her with other men, stopped looking at hotwife porn and mostly stayed off of here. After a couple weeks I was pretty much able to get it off my mind and not think about it. I was no longer frustrated with not moving forward or having to try and figure out situations that would work. If you find yourself frustrated a lot I would suggest giving it a try.

No one achieved there goals by giving up.

[ItsANiceDay]

A sex life without eroticism to fuel it is either dead or on life support. That’s not an ideal way to live in a relationship to say the least. A good relationship needs a healthy dose of erotic joy, which is sustained by mystery, uncertainty, and a little bit of anxiety.

The hotwife lifestyle or fantasy provides those things in spades (pun intended?) While my wife and I have only fantasized and role played it, doing so came with a jolt of new sexual vitality in our relationship. That is good. But if the kink never goes from fantasy to reality it can become a tormenter. If it becomes a torment rather than a source of joy then you are better off dropping it altogether.

It is difficult to get creative and find some new source of erotic energy, when the hotwife fantasy did it so effectively. But to cling to a kink that isn’t working for you is to cling to a poison, an addiction. There is nothing that is more important than our relationships with our wives. Nothing. No kink should ever be allowed in the drivers seat. It can help navigate you to fun and exciting new places, but you must remain in control of the wheel.

[philxxo]

I think most of us men who tell our wives what our fantasy is will have to give up eventually. I don't know what the stats say, but I would guess a majority of wives just won't do it. I don't think there is any dishonor in it. I told my wife, she knows it turns me on. She is a firm "no", so I have stopped bringing it up with her. If she brings it up I will discuss it. I am just in the marinating stage now. Which is a perfectly fine stage to be in. It's a fun journey regardless. Eventually the right guy may appear in her life somewhere and she might want to dip her toe in at that time. I have confidence that might happen. Time will tell.

[false-abroad]

I was thinking about this yesterday. If I would be honest with myself I know that my wife will never go with it. A couple of months ago she said to me in a clear words that she never wants to hear about this fantasy again. For me it is a big part of my fantasies, so I stopped fantasizing with her altogether and also stopped saying dirty jokes. Mostly stopped pursuing reading longer stories and stopped writing or fantasizing about my own.

Our sex life is not bad, it may be even great by many standards. Beside two months after the pregnancy, when it was not advised or painful for her we kept a steady average of once a week. We often end our hotter sessions both saying "why we do not do this more often?". Once a week and she gets very hot for it, we lick each other's tongues, I slap her ass, she sucks on my fingers etc. It is marvelous. Though if I hint or initiate in the middle of this week interval it is too low on her priorities to be bothered. I have a problem that if she's not turned on I'm not turned on to push further. She doesn't think about sex in day to day life and she never masturbated. If I try to play or prepare for something more than a regular sex romp she is too shy, too freaked out and gets too tense to proceed even with a regular thing. It is not on cards for her to ever do this. Mind you for a few years now it is much better than in the first 10 years of marriage, but there is no real progress besides that.

Few weeks ago I mentioned to my wife that we have this weekly average and I would like to increase to about two times per week. Today she playfully said that we should get laid "based on statistics". You got this - it is close to a week later.

I know that what would be most healthy for me is to get banned here and anywhere else. Stop feeding this fantasy and once or twice a week just jerk off quickly on a toilet to dump excess cum as efficiently as possible. I'm trying this to some extent.

[ItsANiceDay]

I know that what would be most healthy for me is to get banned here and anywhere else. Stop feeding this fantasy and once or twice a week just jerk off quickly on a toilet to dump excess cum as efficiently as possible. I'm trying this to some extent.

I did just this (didn’t get banned, but “lost” my passwords) for a few years. On the one hand it was good, because it relieved the pressure on thinking it was something that might happen, and I think my mind was generally more at ease. I continued to look at hotwife porn (thank you, Serenity Cox), but the obsessive part of it all quietly died, which was what I needed.

The down side to all this was that it had become a crutch, and all my erotic energy was invested in it, and there wasn’t anything there to fill the void. So with the ease of mind came a sexual dark night. This too is what I think I needed, because I had to find my way to an erotic mindset without the crutch of the hotwife fantasy. There’s lots out there that doesn’t involve cuckolding you I am sure your wife will welcome with enthusiasm if you only but find it.

A useful book for me was Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. It’s all about learning to desire again what you already have; how to find her exciting, mysterious, and erotic all over again.

[Statein88]

Lots here I can relate to, but I can sympathize with all of it.

That said, women can turn quickly once the kids are older and there’s less pressure on being “Supermom/wife/employee” etc.

My wife was always a pretty firm no but within the last couple of years her libido ramped back up and since we had some real heart to heart discussions, she’s really relaxed and opened up about a lot of things. I think that “no” is now a “probably if things come together just so”. I never pushed, pressed or obsessed about it, the seed got planted and she got curious on her own.

We are having more fun in the bedroom than ever, just from the communication and being more relaxed with dirty talk, fantasy, etc. Truthfully I think she is okay with HW activity (at least an experimental phase) and it’s mainly me that has cold feet at this point.

My point is, even if you don’t get the ultimate “prize” you’re seeking, there can be sudden changes in your sex life that are still really positive. I know it’s hard to let go of this fantasy for many, but there may be other kinky or naughty things she’d love to be a part of.

[Mumfred]

I sympathize, and I'm glad you feel like you're in a good place.

Assuming you have the same kink as the rest of us, however, I suspect it will be back. Obsessing about a kink isn't good (that's a fetish). Blocking it out isn't particularly healthy either. Have you tried to avoid thinking about sex in order to achieve this equanimity?

IMHO, having a vivid fantasy life is healthy, and good for you. Many fantasies can never become reality; that's life, and we all have to accept that.

But that doesn't mean we can't keep getting off to our fantasies, in our private moments

I think you are right on both thoughts in your first sentence. I'm doing okay, not what I wanted but it is okay.

For me part of the fantasy is that she might actually be into it. When it was a possibility it made the fantasy fun. Now that I know she definitely isn't into it, it kills the fantasy for me.

[Mumfred]

I am on the brink of giving up though... I don't know if my current gf is built to be promiscuous despite being a flirt sometimes and having already gone on many dates

I wasn't able to tell from your comments. Is your current gf a hotwife going on dates?

[Mumfred]

A sex life without eroticism to fuel it is either dead or on life support. That’s not an ideal way to live in a relationship to say the least. A good relationship needs a healthy dose of erotic joy, which is sustained by mystery, uncertainty, and a little bit of anxiety.

The hotwife lifestyle or fantasy provides those things in spades (pun intended?) While my wife and I have only fantasized and role played it, doing so came with a jolt of new sexual vitality in our relationship. That is good. But if the kink never goes from fantasy to reality it can become a tormenter. If it becomes a torment rather than a source of joy then you are better off dropping it altogether.

It is difficult to get creative and find some new source of erotic energy, when the hotwife fantasy did it so effectively. But to cling to a kink that isn’t working for you is to cling to a poison, an addiction. There is nothing that is more important than our relationships with our wives. Nothing. No kink should ever be allowed in the drivers seat. It can help navigate you to fun and exciting new places, but you must remain in control of the wheel.

This is all very true. Searching for my next kink!

[Mumfred]

I think most of us men who tell our wives what our fantasy is will have to give up eventually. I don't know what the stats say, but I would guess a majority of wives just won't do it. I don't think there is any dishonor in it. I told my wife, she knows it turns me on. She is a firm "no", so I have stopped bringing it up with her. If she brings it up I will discuss it. I am just in the marinating stage now. Which is a perfectly fine stage to be in. It's a fun journey regardless. Eventually the right guy may appear in her life somewhere and she might want to dip her toe in at that time. I have confidence that might happen. Time will tell.

Good luck to you both.

[Mumfred]

My point is, even if you don’t get the ultimate “prize” you’re seeking, there can be sudden changes in your sex life that are still really positive. I know it’s hard to let go of this fantasy for many, but there may be other kinky or naughty things she’d love to be a part of.

Thanks. Yes things may change but my role in it is over.

[Mumfred]

I did just this (didn’t get banned, but “lost” my passwords) for a few years. On the one hand it was good, because it relieved the pressure on thinking it was something that might happen, and I think my mind was generally more at ease. I continued to look at hotwife porn (thank you, Serenity Cox), but the obsessive part of it all quietly died, which was what I needed.

The down side to all this was that it had become a crutch, and all my erotic energy was invested in it, and there wasn’t anything there to fill the void. So with the ease of mind came a sexual dark night. This too is what I think I needed, because I had to find my way to an erotic mindset without the crutch of the hotwife fantasy. There’s lots out there that doesn’t involve cuckolding you I am sure your wife will welcome with enthusiasm if you only but find it.

A useful book for me was Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. It’s all about learning to desire again what you already have; how to find her exciting, mysterious, and erotic all over again.

Thanks for the advice I'll check it out.

[ItsANiceDay]

Thanks for the advice I'll check it out.

I hope it’s helpful as it was for me, but you know how these sorts of books can be. Might be great for me but useless to you.

[ucaneffher]

I am on the brink of giving up though... I don't know if my current gf is built to be promiscuous despite being a flirt sometimes and having already gone on many dates

I wasn't able to tell from your comments. Is your current gf a hotwife going on dates?

I wish..
My girlfriend has gone on nearly a dozen dates with roughly half a dozen men. She has kissed several, has been stripped down by a couple of them, and has been felt up and really turned on by them, and sent home with a soaking wet pussy but she has never gone all the way and has not actively gone on dates since last Summer. She has never had sex outside of our relationship.

She is not a hot girlfriend but she knows it is my ultimate fantasy and has in the past worked on making herself available to other men including flirting with other men/talking to other men in front of me. Wish she would just advance an extra inch. I know that once she has gotten a sample or taste of going all the way, she'd likely embrace the freedom and lifestyle.

[Long Lurker 34]

Couple of weeks is nothing... I went 2-3 years telling myself I was done after ending with the only woman who had cucked me, but here 12 years later going crazy wishing that my partner would seriously break the news one day.. just wishing that she would admit to having an affair for the last 6 months or something even if not the ideal situation for the lifestyle.

I just want to get back in my old routine of knowing my weekends I stay home by myself jerking while she is out the whole weekend and that weeknights she goes out several nights with various men. It took me some adjusting to her absence but the reward when she came back was far greater than being left alone for extended periods. I just wish that my current girlfriend would also follow the hot GF path and get herself in a similar promiscuous program of going out most week nights and spending weekends away.

I am on the brink of giving up though... I don't know if my current gf is built to be promiscuous despite being a flirt sometimes and having already gone on many dates

UC - Just when I thought you were making some headway.
- Well even if it goes no further than it has, you can always continue to encourage her to go on dates. Then it's who knows and as long as she knows she has a hall pass.....

[Mumfred]

I am on the brink of giving up though... I don't know if my current gf is built to be promiscuous despite being a flirt sometimes and having already gone on many dates

I wasn't able to tell from your comments. Is your current gf a hotwife going on dates?

I wish..
My girlfriend has gone on nearly a dozen dates with roughly half a dozen men. She has kissed several, has been stripped down by a couple of them, and has been felt up and really turned on by them, and sent home with a soaking wet pussy but she has never gone all the way and has not actively gone on dates since last Summer. She has never had sex outside of our relationship.

She is not a hot girlfriend but she knows it is my ultimate fantasy and has in the past worked on making herself available to other men including flirting with other men/talking to other men in front of me. Wish she would just advance an extra inch. I know that once she has gotten a sample or taste of going all the way, she'd likely embrace the freedom and lifestyle.

Sounds like you had some fun though.

[ucaneffher]

I am on the brink of giving up though... I don't know if my current gf is built to be promiscuous despite being a flirt sometimes and having already gone on many dates

I wasn't able to tell from your comments. Is your current gf a hotwife going on dates?

I wish..
My girlfriend has gone on nearly a dozen dates with roughly half a dozen men. She has kissed several, has been stripped down by a couple of them, and has been felt up and really turned on by them, and sent home with a soaking wet pussy but she has never gone all the way and has not actively gone on dates since last Summer. She has never had sex outside of our relationship.

She is not a hot girlfriend but she knows it is my ultimate fantasy and has in the past worked on making herself available to other men including flirting with other men/talking to other men in front of me. Wish she would just advance an extra inch. I know that once she has gotten a sample or taste of going all the way, she'd likely embrace the freedom and lifestyle.

Sounds like you had some fun though.

Oh I absolutely loved it. She made it extra special when she was in the stage of getting ready for her dates and always showed me options for outfits, heels, sandals, hair style options, and make up. She involved me immensely while she was getting dolled up for other men and we both enjoyed the process of it.

She never disappointed and left the house looking like a billion dollars. Funny enough, she always showed me the text messages from her dates where Most of the men would tell her that they could not believe that she actually looked just as hot and provocative in person as she did in all of her profile pictures since most of them thought she was actually using fake pictures that were too good to be true.

There is nothing hotter than seeing her leave the house looking like a model knowing damn well that the other man is going to also get to enjoy how sexy she is and how much detail and thought she put into her look for her evening with him.

[Jenky]

I sympathize, and I'm glad you feel like you're in a good place.

Assuming you have the same kink as the rest of us, however, I suspect it will be back. Obsessing about a kink isn't good (that's a fetish). Blocking it out isn't particularly healthy either. Have you tried to avoid thinking about sex in order to achieve this equanimity?

IMHO, having a vivid fantasy life is healthy, and good for you. Many fantasies can never become reality; that's life, and we all have to accept that.

But that doesn't mean we can't keep getting off to our fantasies, in our private moments

I'm impressed as always when I read your posts / comments with how eloquent, helpful / non-judgement and to the point you are.. BRAVO!