How did you know if you really wanted it?

[Justaregularguy]

How do people know if they really want to go through with it and don’t just want the fantasy aspect of it?

[hubudig2]

It depends how they got to the point of considering it.
Assuming it's just a fantasy and there's no history or 3rd party already...
Usually they play with the idea together as a fantasy until they're completely comfortable with the idea and agree that they think they want to try it for real.
They then make small steps towards making it real and seeing how they both feel about it.
Small steps can be flirting, going on dates, sexting, going to swingers clubs etc.

If you're not sure, it's probably best to wait until you are.
These things tend to gain some momentum and expectations, if you slam the brakes on it can be difficult to get going again.

[leggysman]

I don't think you ever really know how you're going to feel after sharing your lady for the first time. If you want to find out, you just have to try. And if either one of you don't like it? Just chalk it up to an experience you agreed to have together, and move on. No hard feelings.

I didn't know I had a kink, let alone what it was called. With my university girlfriend, and my male roommate, it just seemed naughty and hot for her to keep seducing him, until one night we pulled the trigger on the spur of the moment, and had a threesome. I loved it. She and I were both giddy immediately afterward. We married, but later divorced. In the years after, she seemed uncomfortable talking about the experience much.

My next serious girlfriend had a mild sexual fling with a co-worker, where she slept over at his place (solo) a handful of times. There wasn't a whole lot of action, but I found that really erotic too.

My wife leggysandy, once we found this forum, and she came around to the idea, she took it to a whole 'nother level. She has enjoyed herself very much. It's been such hot fun, and I hope it continues. Seems like it will

[BBCfan]

How do people know if they really want to go through with it and don’t just want the fantasy aspect of it?

Something I wonder too. The fantasy has reinvigorated our sex life immensely and so it's already been a huge plus for the passion it's ignited between us.

Even she doesn't go through with it with the guy she's reached out to, It's kind of in their hands now.

I'm sure she will give me a chance to back out if they do make firm plans, which I won't do at this point. As another poster said, it would probably hard to get back to where we are and might kill the fun for her.

If she decides she doesn't want to, then I will take that as a sign that it should stay as fantasy.

If it does happen and I can't handle it, or she doesn't enjoy it then, then it will just be a one time fun experience, and hopefully we will continue the hot fantasy play we enjoy.

[Justaregularguy]

We’ve discussed the fantasy aspect of it in detail, I don’t think she could ever do it and she doesn’t think I would ever actually want her to do it… we read erotica and we’ve done a little mild story play during sex but nothing beyond that.

She’s done a little bit of flirting online and posted some nudes as well.

I honestly don’t know whether we will go beyond where we are now… she took my fantasy a lot better than I expected when I told her though.

[Wesley Hudson Valley]

Hello Justaregularguy

Have you talked to your wife about the possibility of let’s says you and her having a MFM threesone and what was her response

It is a well known fact that it is a common fantasy for a husband to want to watch their wife have sex with another man so your interest in this is perfectly normal

To move this faith your wife you have to be open and honest with her and most importantly never get jealous of her if she shows interest in having sex with another man. Please give us more details about your situation

[Justaregularguy]

Hello Justaregularguy

Have you talked to your wife about the possibility of let’s says you and her having a MFM threesone and what was her response

It is a well known fact that it is a common fantasy for a husband to want to watch their wife have sex with another man so your interest in this is perfectly normal

To move this faith your wife you have to be open and honest with her and most importantly never get jealous of her if she shows interest in having sex with another man. Please give us more details about your situation

Hi.

We’ve discussed threesomes and would be open to it in the right circumstances.

I’d always prefer the stranger aspect of the hotwifing scenario whereas she says that she couldn’t ever visualise having sex with a stranger and prefers the aspect of somebody she knows… ‘I could give blowjobs like they were nothing but sex is different’ were her words.

My fantasy is the Hotwife and hers is more a wife doing naughty things she shouldn’t.

We did a little quiz together..
threesome with another dude - unlikely but she wouldn’t rule it out completely
Sex with another dude - unlikely but she wouldn’t rule it out completely
Flirt with another guy - maybe in right circumstances
Kiss another guy - maybe in right circumstances
Bj - unlikely but she wouldn’t rule it out completely
Role play hot wife - more than once please
Role play cheating - more than once please

[Wesley Hudson Valley]

There is the golden key right there you stated:

We’ve discussed threesomes and would be open to it in the right circumstances.

I’d always prefer the stranger aspect of the hotwifing scenario whereas she says that she couldn’t ever visualise having sex with a stranger and prefers the aspect of somebody she knows…

Let her find a man she is comfortable with, let her flirt with him, get to know him and that will definitely increase the chances of her having sex with another man. Make this process about her, make her comfortable and she will live out your fantasy of her having sex with another man

[Justaregularguy]

Let her find a man she is comfortable with, let her flirt with him, get to know him and that will definitely increase the chances of her having sex with another man. Make this process about her, make her comfortable and she will live out your fantasy of her having sex with another man

Oh the process would always be about her, our relationship is much more important that a fantasy and if we ever did it which would be a big if I think it would have to be going with what she wanted and was comfortable with.

[SilverStag]

I always recommend using "Baby Steps" in starting out, that way there are no big things to interfere with your relationship in the event that your feelings don't match your fantasies. If you are ok with the first step, then go on to the next one. Realize that this approach applies to the both of you in gauging your feelings about ENM.

As an example, watch her deeply kiss another man and see how your inner feelings set with that. If that is ok, then take it a small step further by watching her be fondled by another, etc. Move the goal ahead a little at a time.

You see, approaching it in small steps allows you to judge how the jealousy monster works. If you just jump in with both feet it may be too traumatizing for you to forgive (yes, those contradictory feeling are often a part when you are starting out). This approach also allows you both time to discuss things before moving on.

[Justaregularguy]

As an example, watch her deeply kiss another man and see how your inner feelings set with that. If that is ok, then take it a small step further by watching her be fondled by another, etc. Move the goal ahead a little at a time.

Is it strange that i think it would bother me more if she kissed another guy than if she was fondled

[leggysman]

Is it strange that i think it would bother me more if she kissed another guy than if she was fondled

That's understandable.

But if you two were to move forward, you should try make sure you're ok with all of it. Baby steps perhaps, as SilverStag suggested.

If you were to move on to full sharing, it would be unfortunate to try an impose rules like "no kissing" or similar. I think most people here would tell you that rules end up getting broken, and subsequently causing hurt feelings, and ruining her enjoyment in the bargain.

[Justaregularguy]

Is it strange that i think it would bother me more if she kissed another guy than if she was fondled

That's understandable.

But if you two were to move forward, you should try make sure you're ok with all of it. Baby steps perhaps, as SilverStag suggested.

If you were to move on to full sharing, it would be unfortunate to try an impose rules like "no kissing" or similar. I think most people here would tell you that rules end up getting broken, and subsequently causing hurt feelings, and ruining her enjoyment in the bargain.

Absolutely, I think that in order to be successful you have to be open because rules like you say get broken and feelings then get hurt which isn’t going to be helpful… i would go with whatever limits she wanted however I think baby steps is a good idea.

Given her current attitude I think we’ll explore the fantasy but I don’t think despite her answers it will go further than where we are now.

[philxxo]

Hello Justaregularguy

Have you talked to your wife about the possibility of let’s says you and her having a MFM threesone and what was her response

It is a well known fact that it is a common fantasy for a husband to want to watch their wife have sex with another man so your interest in this is perfectly normal

To move this faith your wife you have to be open and honest with her and most importantly never get jealous of her if she shows interest in having sex with another man. Please give us more details about your situation

Hi.

We’ve discussed threesomes and would be open to it in the right circumstances.

I’d always prefer the stranger aspect of the hotwifing scenario whereas she says that she couldn’t ever visualise having sex with a stranger and prefers the aspect of somebody she knows… ‘I could give blowjobs like they were nothing but sex is different’ were her words.

My fantasy is the Hotwife and hers is more a wife doing naughty things she shouldn’t.

We did a little quiz together..
threesome with another dude - unlikely but she wouldn’t rule it out completely
Sex with another dude - unlikely but she wouldn’t rule it out completely
Flirt with another guy - maybe in right circumstances
Kiss another guy - maybe in right circumstances
Bj - unlikely but she wouldn’t rule it out completely
Role play hot wife - more than once please
Role play cheating - more than once please

I would say you have pretty good chances to make this happen. She is allowing the door to stay open a bit for you. If she isn't ruling many things out entirely that's a whole lot better than "hell no it will never happen." It sounds like it will just take the right guy to show up perhaps. When the right guy appears, she will look at it as a positive opportunity. As other posters have said, take a step wise approach and se how you both feel about it. Let her keep posting nudes online. Post some on here would be great. She may like all the positive attention and feel more confident. Eventually she may start chatting with someone online and it may get closer. Also as someone else said, don't ever show any jealousy at all, that will kill it for sure. I made that mistake and my wife back tracked. She is now convinced that despite what I say, in reality I can't handle it like I say I can. It's safe in my mind, but not in reality. I am now taking a passive subtle approach, waiting for her to bring it up each time as she does.

For you I would suggest encouraging her online activities, posting pictures, chatting and flirting with guys online, etc. Consider going to a bar and pretend like you aren't together and see what happens. Maybe she will like it. You sit back and watch, see how you feel. How will you feel if she dances with other guys? Maybe even kiss one?

[Justaregularguy]

I would say you have pretty good chances to make this happen. She is allowing the door to stay open a bit for you. If she isn't ruling many things out entirely that's a whole lot better than "hell no it will never happen." It sounds like it will just take the right guy to show up perhaps. When the right guy appears, she will look at it as a positive opportunity. As other posters have said, take a step wise approach and se how you both feel about it. Let her keep posting nudes online. Post some on here would be great. She may like all the positive attention and feel more confident. Eventually she may start chatting with someone online and it may get closer. Also as someone else said, don't ever show any jealousy at all, that will kill it for sure. I made that mistake and my wife back tracked. She is now convinced that despite what I say, in reality I can't handle it like I say I can. It's safe in my mind, but not in reality. I am now taking a passive subtle approach, waiting for her to bring it up each time as she does.

For you I would suggest encouraging her online activities, posting pictures, chatting and flirting with guys online, etc. Consider going to a bar and pretend like you aren't together and see what happens. Maybe she will like it. You sit back and watch, see how you feel. How will you feel if she dances with other guys? Maybe even kiss one?

My honest reaction to that sat here is… I don’t mind if she dances with a guy as it’s just dancing and the thought of it turns me on… same with her kissing somebody if I’m honest. We have thought of doing a ‘hotel pick up’ fantasy soon so maybe we could let her sit alone for awhile before I go over.

Maybe we will post some here… I’ll see if she is up for it. She’s quite open sexually so while it would not totally shock me if it happened one day I do think it would take a lot of stars aligning… small step though… she’s done online nudes… little bit of dirty talk and she tried only fans for a couple of weeks. She says she will have virtual/online sex with a guy for me when she feels comfortable doing it… and the other week she asked me to send her a Hotwife story to read and went upstairs and played with herself for awhile until she finished it and then when I went up she told me she had been sucking another guy while she blew me and then she rode him bare… it was insanely hot.

[Pufferfish]

You never really know for certain, but you should have a pretty good assessment of yourself and can make a fairly good (80%) educated guess as to how you will feel.

The best metaphor I've ever heard it explained, is it's like getting on a roller coaster, or bungie jumping, or sky diving. It's not something you've done before but you have a decent idea of whether or not you think you'll have fun, but once you commit, you're committed to it and just have to ride it out till the end. Some people might regret their choice, but most people have a pretty good idea of what to expect before they do it.

[trecital]

The best metaphor I've ever heard it explained, is it's like getting on a roller coaster, or bungie jumping, or sky diving. It's not something you've done before but you have a decent idea of whether or not you think you'll have fun, but once you commit, you're committed to it and just have to ride it out till the end. Some people might regret their choice, but most people have a pretty good idea of what to expect before they do it.

I agree with the metaphors, or analogies, that you have mentioned.
But the thing with the roller coaster, et al, is that the attraction comes from the sense of danger and excitement that you know you will get. But you are prepared to have a go, because you know it's unlikely you will come to any harm.

But, with hotwifing or cuckolding, you are entering an environment that is far less controlled, and will quite possibly not end up as you wanted it to. If you queued up for a roller coaster, to be confronted with a sign that said "We can't guarantee that you will complete the ride without injury, or even death", then I think most sane people would walk away.

I prefer to think of hotwifing/cuckolding as playing with fire. It's exciting and rewarding, building a bonfire and setting light to it, helping it to burn, maybe even throwing some petrol on to liven things up further (not recommended!).
Lots of pleasure, excitement, it warms you up on a winters day etc. But things can go wrong quite quickly. Maybe you get burnt, or your house does.

So, "How did you know if you really wanted it?" For me the decision was taken out of my hands, as my wife had an affair with a work colleague. I wasn't too upset, as I too had been cheating on her. It wasn't that we were out of love with each other, just that we wanted more experience with other people (we were both virgins when we met, hence our limited experience).
Fortunately, involving a third person openly, was something I'd always wanted to try. We just never discussed it properly beforehand.
For us, everything turned out well.

But, as they say, your mileage might vary. Only you can decide if you want to take the risk.

[leggysman]

If you queued up for a roller coaster, to be confronted with a sign that said "We can't guarantee that you will complete the ride without injury, or even death", then I think most sane people would walk away.

I'd be shocked if there was a rollercoaster anywhere in the Western World that didn't have a sign like that, somewhere inconspicuous, with very small print

[Justaregularguy]

You never really know for certain, but you should have a pretty good assessment of yourself and can make a fairly good (80%) educated guess as to how you will feel.

The best metaphor I've ever heard it explained, is it's like getting on a roller coaster, or bungie jumping, or sky diving. It's not something you've done before but you have a decent idea of whether or not you think you'll have fun, but once you commit, you're committed to it and just have to ride it out till the end. Some people might regret their choice, but most people have a pretty good idea of what to expect before they do it.

I think that’s fair although I think I’d enjoy it a damn site more than sky diving lol

[trecital]

If you queued up for a roller coaster, to be confronted with a sign that said "We can't guarantee that you will complete the ride without injury, or even death", then I think most sane people would walk away.

I'd be shocked if there was a rollercoaster anywhere in the Western World that didn't have a sign like that, somewhere inconspicuous, with very small print

Yes, you are probably right. You can tell it's a long, long time since I went on one of those things. I'm pretty sure, years ago, it just used to say "Ride at your own risk". These days I can imagine the notice covering every eventuality.
But people ride them because they are seen as risk free. Stories of accidents are few and far between.
Hotwifing attempts ending in divorce? Somewhat more common!
Doesn't put people off of wanting to try it though.

[Bobs52]

My wife had my blessing to have sex with whomever she wanted for quite awhile, she just needed to tell me about it after the fact. She seemed pretty uninterested in pursuing it however.

Then one night I discovered something quite by accident when paying bills and looking at a credit card statement, that then led me to phone records etc. Long story short I was absolutely convinced that she was fucking someone else, and I also knew who it was. I was a little surprised by it, but also very excited. I ran across the evidence late at night after she had gone to bed. When I went to bed that night, I didn’t want to wake her in the middle of the night, but I was so incredibly turned on by it, that I just laid next to her and jacked off to a very intense orgasm.

In the morning (I don’t think I slept at all) I woke her trying to have sex with her, to which she was usually receptive. As we were getting started, I told her “I know about Stephen, and I’m fine with it”. As this sunk in, she shot back “We never went through with it. I know the rules!” (Meaning if they would have done it she would have told me). She admitted that they did indeed try to do so on three occasions over the summer, but for one reason or another they all fell through. Then she got pissed at me for snooping and the whole thing fell apart.

The evidence was so overwhelming however that I didn’t really believe her. I thought she really did fuck the guy. While this caused some turbulence in our marriage and I was pissed that she wouldn’t own up to it, every time I thought about it I had to seek out some privacy so I could beat off! I’m not sure how many times I jacked off thinking about it.

So that’s my long winded way of answering your question. The fact that I masturbated every time I thought about it, convinced me it was something I really wanted even considering the surrounding circumstances.

A kind of interesting follow up is I now truly believe that she really didn’t fuck the guy I thought she did, but she admitted that she DID fuck another guy that I didn’t know about! I think she was surprised at my positive reaction. It hasn’t happened again, but I am hopeful that she will again, and two things are true. First she is absolutely convinced that I would be thrilled if she did it again…and I am absolutely convinced that I would be thrilled if she did it again!

[PaNic]

That’s a major positive Bobs52!
I think our women will never be really confident that we truly are ok and wanting them to fuck others until it actually happens.

Maybe next time it comes up and you get horny, you could jack off in front of her instead of “seeking privacy”, share that excitement with her…

[Bobs52]

Maybe next time it comes up and you get horny, you could jack off in front of her instead of “seeking privacy”, share that excitement with her…

Oh, it comes up all the time. She has embraced how much I love that she fucked the guy she did. His name was Robby. Now she’ll straddle my face and ask me “don’t you wish I was feeding you Robby’s creampie right now” as I jack off. No privacy needed or wanted!

[safado]

My wife had my blessing to have sex with whomever she wanted for quite awhile, she just needed to tell me about it after the fact. She seemed pretty uninterested in pursuing it however.

Then one night I discovered something quite by accident when paying bills and looking at a credit card statement, that then led me to phone records etc. Long story short I was absolutely convinced that she was fucking someone else, and I also knew who it was. I was a little surprised by it, but also very excited. I ran across the evidence late at night after she had gone to bed. When I went to bed that night, I didn’t want to wake her in the middle of the night, but I was so incredibly turned on by it, that I just laid next to her and jacked off to a very intense orgasm.

In the morning (I don’t think I slept at all) I woke her trying to have sex with her, to which she was usually receptive. As we were getting started, I told her “I know about Stephen, and I’m fine with it”. As this sunk in, she shot back “We never went through with it. I know the rules!” (Meaning if they would have done it she would have told me). She admitted that they did indeed try to do so on three occasions over the summer, but for one reason or another they all fell through. Then she got pissed at me for snooping and the whole thing fell apart.

The evidence was so overwhelming however that I didn’t really believe her. I thought she really did fuck the guy. While this caused some turbulence in our marriage and I was pissed that she wouldn’t own up to it, every time I thought about it I had to seek out some privacy so I could beat off! I’m not sure how many times I jacked off thinking about it.

So that’s my long winded way of answering your question. The fact that I masturbated every time I thought about it, convinced me it was something I really wanted even considering the surrounding circumstances.

A kind of interesting follow up is I now truly believe that she really didn’t fuck the guy I thought she did, but she admitted that she DID fuck another guy that I didn’t know about! I think she was surprised at my positive reaction. It hasn’t happened again, but I am hopeful that she will again, and two things are true. First she is absolutely convinced that I would be thrilled if she did it again…and I am absolutely convinced that I would be thrilled if she did it again!

I knew I wanted it and would be ok with it, once the idea and fantasy took hold. This was partly because my ex obviously liked male attention and teased me by telling about the men who hit on her. Still, it took five years from the time I told her I wanted her to fuck another man until she finally did it.

When my ex was cucking me she pretty much "followed the rules" as you say and told me before and after her dates what happened. Most of the time I was away on long business trips. The first time she was a bit coy and it took time to get the details out of her. That was a one-night stand. With her second lover she might have fucked the guy before she told me, but she told me about the dates and provided many details, including sending me the pictures of how she was dressed for her dates.

When she cheated with her ex, I had to follow the path you did and look at phone records, including cell tower location data and credit card purchases. She lied and gaslighted me and eventually we divorced and she married her ex. I think you are being gaslighted.

[2inUPMichigan]

If she doesn't think you can/will handle the reality (which will be different than your fantasy) then she will never be able to move forward.
Many women state that is the reason they are hesitant.

If you try to go ahead with doubts in your mind it could backfire.
What wife wants to make the wrong move for their marriage and face the backlash?

There was one man who posted that he wasn't able to view his wife in the same way and completely regretted it. How devastating for both of them!!

If I thought my hubby couldn't or wouldn't handle the reality there is no way I would have moved forward.

"Just try it you'll like it" is not the best advice for everyone.
I wouldn't initiate any contact with another man until I was convinced my spouse was completely onboard. Going through the mental gymnastics to becoming a hotwife is not an easy process. Why change into a non-monogamous hotwife if your husband isn't ready for that reality?

The two of you have a lot of talking (and listening) to do.