Jealousy came out, how to fix?

[philxxo]

We had a situation a few weeks ago when I was convinced my wife was cheating on me and I displayed some jealousy about it. I previously have been telling her that she can have sex with whomever she wants, I just want to be informed about it. She went off to an appointment. She previously mentioned to me that Dr "X" was really good looking. Her location showed that she was at Dr "X" location and not the location I was expecting. I was unaware that the office had moved to same building as Dr"X". She wouldn't answer any texts or messages from me. All I could think of was her being fucked by Dr. "X". I was mostly mad because I was in the dark and she wouldn't answer me. Eventually she got back to me and explained the situation. However, in the midst of that she saw me acting a bit jealous. I'm afraid I have ruined things a bit with that. She says that I am more jealous than I am leading her to believe, and in fact it would ruin our marriage if she were to get a BF.

Fast forward a bit and she is starting a new job. My wife looks great and she will be meeting a lot of different and new people frequently. I am thoroughly convinced that she will eventually cheat on me, because everything she has told me about her past is consistent with that. She had no trouble being a slut before I showed up. But now she is playing dedicated and loyal wife. She sometimes jokes about fucking other people to get ahead in business, perhaps to see how I react or how serious I am about her hotwifing. I say sure go for it, but she back tracks quickly. Since I displayed some jealousy recently I feel like I messed up a bit. Based on her past, I think her nature is that she is not monogamous, although she has never really given me reason to not believe she is loyal to me. What are things I can do to repair my jealous display now that it happened? I am trying really hard to keep that in check now. Also, what things can I say to her or do now that can facilitate her following her promiscuous nature?

[BBCfan]

We had a situation a few weeks ago when I was convinced my wife was cheating on me and I displayed some jealousy about it. I previously have been telling her that she can have sex with whomever she wants, I just want to be informed about it. She went off to an appointment. She previously mentioned to me that Dr "X" was really good looking. Her location showed that she was at Dr "X" location and not the location I was expecting. I was unaware that the office had moved to same building as Dr"X". She wouldn't answer any texts or messages from me. All I could think of was her being fucked by Dr. "X". I was mostly mad because I was in the dark and she wouldn't answer me. Eventually she got back to me and explained the situation. However, in the midst of that she saw me acting a bit jealous. I'm afraid I have ruined things a bit with that. She says that I am more jealous than I am leading her to believe, and in fact it would ruin our marriage if she were to get a BF.

Fast forward a bit and she is starting a new job. My wife looks great and she will be meeting a lot of different and new people frequently. I am thoroughly convinced that she will eventually cheat on me, because everything she has told me about her past is consistent with that. She had no trouble being a slut before I showed up. But now she is playing dedicated and loyal wife. She sometimes jokes about fucking other people to get ahead in business, perhaps to see how I react or how serious I am about her hotwifing. I say sure go for it, but she back tracks quickly. Since I displayed some jealousy recently I feel like I messed up a bit. Based on her past, I think her nature is that she is not monogamous, although she has never really given me reason to not believe she is loyal to me. What are things I can do to repair my jealous display now that it happened? I am trying really hard to keep that in check now. Also, what things can I say to her or do now that can facilitate her following her promiscuous nature?

Sometimes people do grow out of their premiscuous ways as they get older.
Perhaps she has?

It doesn't sound like it's the idea of her having a lover that activates you but more the fact she might be lying to you.

I think you just need to let her know that she can be honest with you, and trust that she won't lie to you.
If you play detective and always are suspicious it likely won't make her feel comfortable to do it in an honest if she does do it.

I'm not sure about her past, but perhaps she does get off on the cheating aspect and having it as a secret which could cause a problem.

I think regardless you need to make peace with it and not be untrusting. That is generally destructive for a relationship.

[MartasBoy]

We had a situation a few weeks ago when I was convinced my wife was cheating on me and I displayed some jealousy about it. I previously have been telling her that she can have sex with whomever she wants, I just want to be informed about it. She went off to an appointment. She previously mentioned to me that Dr "X" was really good looking. Her location showed that she was at Dr "X" location and not the location I was expecting. I was unaware that the office had moved to same building as Dr"X". She wouldn't answer any texts or messages from me. All I could think of was her being fucked by Dr. "X". I was mostly mad because I was in the dark and she wouldn't answer me. Eventually she got back to me and explained the situation. However, in the midst of that she saw me acting a bit jealous. I'm afraid I have ruined things a bit with that. She says that I am more jealous than I am leading her to believe, and in fact it would ruin our marriage if she were to get a BF.

Fast forward a bit and she is starting a new job. My wife looks great and she will be meeting a lot of different and new people frequently. I am thoroughly convinced that she will eventually cheat on me, because everything she has told me about her past is consistent with that. She had no trouble being a slut before I showed up. But now she is playing dedicated and loyal wife. She sometimes jokes about fucking other people to get ahead in business, perhaps to see how I react or how serious I am about her hotwifing. I say sure go for it, but she back tracks quickly. Since I displayed some jealousy recently I feel like I messed up a bit. Based on her past, I think her nature is that she is not monogamous, although she has never really given me reason to not believe she is loyal to me. What are things I can do to repair my jealous display now that it happened? I am trying really hard to keep that in check now. Also, what things can I say to her or do now that can facilitate her following her promiscuous nature?

It helps to have an open discussion about it. I can't imagine doing what we do if we hadn't had an open and honest discussion about it. It put most of my jealousy aside when I heard my wife's feelings about it.

Have a talk with her and tell her your feelings. Tell her, "While I have these intense fantasies of you being with another man , and seeing you happy, I love you so much and have a fear about the possibility of losing you to another man."

My wife told me that she could not imagine such a thing happening. She told me that I am the best husband she could ever imagine. She said that I am a great father and she would not want to leave the father of her children. She told me that, part of why she loves me, is my strong drive to make her happy. She said that her marriage with me, makes it possible for her to enjoy other men. She said that is part of the excitement for her, and without me, she would just be a divorced woman sleeping around with guys, and she would not like that. She told me that I am the guy she always imagines she will grow old with, and enjoy our grandchildren together.

My jealousy pretty well melted away after that reassurance.

Periodically I will jokingly check in with her, when she gets into it with a new boyfriend. I will ask her, "So is this the guy who could end up taking you away from me?"
Cuz she is headed out the door, she will kiss me on the forehead, and grab and twist my chastity device gently, and will say, "No sweetie, that guy doesn't exist."

[philxxo]

My principal concern would be losing her to another man, not that she was having sex with another man. I have encouraged her and told her she could get any man she wants, so why doesn't she? She could get some young studs and other virile, masculine, hung men. So go for it. I just don't want it done behind my back. For one thing, I get no enjoyment that way. I rather watch, or at least know details about it. She herself is super jealous. I'm not sure why she is so insecure. I am not a jealous type. In the past, she previously has expressed dismay and disappointment that I am not jealous like she is. So she wants to believe that I am in fact pretty jealous. I messed up when I got a little angry and showed some jealousy. Now she doesn't believe that I would be overcome with jealousy if she were to have sex with other men.

[irishmusicman]

Her past is irrelevant unless she has a history of cheating. My wife certainly got around before we met, but she has all the characteristics of someone who won't cheat. Her history of casual sex doesn't factor in.

[philxxo]

She has a history of cheating. She cheated on her ex husband before they got married while living together, then twice after they were married. That was one of the first things she told me when we started dating - she cheated on her husband. Now she tries to play like she is "Ms. goody two shoes" and would never do such a thing. From everything she has told me, she was pretty slutty for the previous 20 years before I showed up in her life. Maybe I tamed her and she is done with that phase of her life. Maybe I should feel honored that she won't do it even though I give her permission.

Last night we were arguing and she told me she was never going to change her mind about her becoming a hotwife. She was mocking me and said she could screw around as long as she told me about it. And she said that was ridiculous.

[aztd]

Sounds like it's time to hit pause. Some issues between the two of you needs to be worked out. Frankly you sound just a little bit paranoid with what little evidence you have to think she's cheating.

[philxxo]

I was being a bit paranoid for sure. I have since calmed down. I should not have let her see my jealousy come out. That's my concern. After all, I am the one trying to encourage her to screw other men. So why would I even remotely act jealous about it? It was a bit of a setback for the plan. I just reiterated to her that I am still encouraging her to do it if she wants, just keep me informed of all the details if she does choose to do that.

[Pufferfish]

There's a difference between hotwifing and cheating. She doesn't seem to be able to see the difference and views them both the same. Whether you've explained the difference or not. The problem is the communication between you two hasn't been fully explored yet. You two should be able to just sit down and chat without judgement from each other, but you can't seem to talk to her without shame, and she can't seem to talk to you without fear and assumptions. It seems like you just keep hoping she'll take charge and lead the way without actually sitting down to figure everything out first. You're not there yet.

You're correct that your jealousy set things back, but that's part of the lack of communication that needs to be improved upon. You likely won't feel as jealous if you believe that she's being honest with you about everything. But you have no way of knowing exactly how you will feel when it happens until it actually happens. So she has to be able to know and trust you to be honest about everything and have no fear of you over reacting. If she can't trust that yet, which she clearly doesn't, then you need to work on that until she can. You have a lot of trust building to work on still.

[2inUPMichigan]

One of the reasons why some women decide not to become hotwives is because they don't think their husbands can handle the reality. When the fantasy leaves your mind you will not be 100% in control like you are in your fantasies.

If the two of you do not trust each other then you are not ready or prepared to take this big step. If the two of you are unable to be open and honest with each other (without accusations/ finger pointing) you are not prepared for this big step.

You can't just hide your jealousy or any doubts about her and expect a positive outcome. She is your wife, your other half. She will sense that something is wrong! If I thought he was hiding his reactions from me I might shut down. At that point I would feel he was willing to do anything even misrepresent himself if it would mean getting what he wanted.

If I thought jealousy would be tearing my husband up and drive a wedge between us I would not be interested in moving forward as the outcome would not be healthy for either of us.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I think there’s two possible scenarios going on, both described separately by PufferFish and 2inUpMichigan…

1) She doesn’t know the difference between hotwifing (consensual non-monogamy) and cheating. Or possibly as described by someone else, has a drive toward cheating as a source of thrill.

2) She’s testing you slowly and unsure how you’ll respond if things go further.

Regardless, there’s a canyon of distrust dividing you both and that’s very shaky ground to enter into a hotwife relationship together. My two cents, slow things down and address your trust and communication issues before moving any further.

Look deep enough through the threads on OHW and you’ll find a scattered graveyard of marriages resulting not from hotwifing per se, but from distrust and lack of communication accelerated by non-monogamous experiment.

[philxxo]

Thank you all. This is all very sage advice. First some clarifications. I have never cheated on her. To my knowledge, she has never cheated on me. In her past she was a cheater on her first husband on multiple occasions before and after marriage to him. Now, she seems to have turned a new leaf. It could be religion playing a part. Perhaps it's more important to her now to be the good faithful wife than follow her natural tendencies. Time will tell. I wasn't really jealous so much as I was angry. In the past, and present, she had all these rules for me as to what I was allowed to do, who I could text or talk to, etc.. This was all in the guise of protecting the marriage and keeping me faithful. In her mind, it's easy to fall into an affair, because that's how it was for her in her first marriage. Once in the past I had to spend a day with another woman. It was established that I disliked the woman, but it was for business purposes and I really didn't have much choice to do it. She was mad at me for spending time with the woman and said it wasn't appropriate. This all matters because she is starting a new job now. She will be having to meet all kinds of new people, men, women, couples perhaps. She will be spending alone time with a variety of different people for business purposes. Essentially it's going to be a case of "rules for thee but not for me." We finished up our discussion the other night with me pointing that out to her. Saying that I had rules, and we will see if she follows the same rules. She was mocking me and telling me that she was allowed to have an affair as long as she informed me, which is correct. She finishes by saying that idea is "ridiculous." I told her she could do what she wanted and I would not say another word about it. Yes, I know some damage was done to the process.

Recently she mentioned several things to me going on with work. First she mentioned that a prominent guy at work took an "extended look" at her. She had a small smile when she was telling me that. Then she shows me his picture, he was a handsome man, and his wife was very pretty also. Obviously, she showed me his picture for a reason. I didn't comment on his appearance or show any excitement. All I could think about last night during sex was this guy fucking her. The second thing she said was she is meeting with a single female friend of hers this weekend. The single friend is very attractive. Her friend no doubt has a number of BF. She also smiled when she told me this. We will see if any of that rubs off on my wife.

My new strategy is just to sit back and see what happens. Not displaying any jealousy at all. I'm not jealous, I am wanting this for my wife for her sexual fulfillment. If I encourage her she seems to push back at me and says no way. At times in the past she has joked about fucking someone to get ahead. I asked her if she would do that and after a long pause she said noooo. I think a lot of this is just testing me. So I am doing my best to pass any testing she sends my way. If I fail the tests she won't openly do anything. She may not do anything even if I pass the tests. She may do it behind my back to save face, even though I said she has a free pass. I also need to have a more deep discussion about my hotwife ideas with her, to explain it further. But I will wait for her to ask about it as she occasionally does.

[Simonesman]

I sense from your last post that you still don’t trust her fully.

Be attentive to the nuances of jealousy, akin to the master caution signals in a cockpit that demand attention. It serves as an indicator.

Reflecting on my journey through three significant relationships, a pattern emerges. In my twenties and thirties, my struggle with jealousy coincided with instances of betrayal.
However, with my curent girlfriend, there is an absence of jealousy.
We have great communication and unwavering trust.
This newfound emotional equilibrium has led to, surprise:
a yearning to explore cuckolding.

Finally, in observing people, a duality often emerges: those who embody honesty and those who lean towards deceit, with a spectrum of nuances in between.
It's important to discern: if your partner harbors deceitful tendencies, it's likely to manifest in betrayal, and not in a playful or enjoyable manner ;-)

[snoogaloo82]

One of the reasons why some women decide not to become hotwives is because they don't think their husbands can handle the reality. When the fantasy leaves your mind you will not be 100% in control like you are in your fantasies.

If the two of you do not trust each other then you are not ready or prepared to take this big step. If the two of you are unable to be open and honest with each other (without accusations/ finger pointing) you are not prepared for this big step.

You can't just hide your jealousy or any doubts about her and expect a positive outcome. She is your wife, your other half. She will sense that something is wrong! If I thought he was hiding his reactions from me I might shut down. At that point I would feel he was willing to do anything even misrepresent himself if it would mean getting what he wanted.

If I thought jealousy would be tearing my husband up and drive a wedge between us I would not be interested in moving forward as the outcome would not be healthy for either of us.

I admire your advice! It's spot on perfect to me! Thank you for helping out this person in dealing with what has happened.

[trecital]

Yeah, thanks!!!!!