Jealousy, Cuckolding, and No Progress

[darkcrow]

I’ve been married for over 10 years. I had girlfriends prior but the length of those relationships was short. In contrast, my wife had a fiancé before we got married with whom she had a relationship of a few of years. In a way, I used to feel jealous and envious of the time they had together before me.

They went to the same college and studied similar careers. They even traveled together to Montana at some point in their relationship, so that she would meet his extended family. Not that it matters much, but he’s caucasian while we’re not. She ended the relationship. They did not remain friends and, as far as I know, have not had contact pretty much since they broke up.

Interestingly, they were never intimate. I have asked my wife repeatedly (sometimes while both of us drunk), and she’s never revealed having even touched him or sucked him, given how long they were together and that he was sexually active before her (I have gathered that much info from her). Even though she would not acknowledge my teasing, I think the fact that he used to have a FWB bothered her.

She comes from a very religious background, which makes me wonder if that’s what prevents her from telling me about it. Thinking of their relationship, how long it was (from the perspective of my short relationships), and the possibility of her getting sexually aroused when they kissed made me, at first, very jealous and envious…specially after seeing a Christmas party video, which he was filming and she was calling him affectionately “baby” and saying that she loved him.

Thinking of her touching, sucking, etc. makes me now have a hard on, rather than upset me as it used to. I wish I was even a time-traveling fly on the wall () and see her confusion and excited guilt while stroking (and hopefully sucking) him for the first time. We saw him at a store, about a year ago. She didn’t seem bothered in the slightest (she just said he looked sad, aged). I didn’t miss a chance of teasing her of course, lol. She just laughed it off. Other times, she seems to be fairly guarded of speaking of their relationship, to the point of seemingly acting defensive. Me, I would love for them to reconnect and maybe for them to have the chance to have that one fuck, which they, allegedly, never had.

I have mentioned cuckolding/hotwifing to her but she thinks it’s pervy. She’s not into porn. I’ve bought toys but her interest in them is low and only passive (I initiate their use 99% of the time). We completed one of those kinky questionnaires but her answers were fairly vanilla. The only memorable thing is that one morning she woke up telling me of a nightmare in which she had just cheated on me and was worried that I was going to find out. I got a massive hard on and she was very wet, and we humped like bunnies.

That aside, progress on this fantasy has been close to 0%. Again, I wish her and her ex had a chance to consummate (or repeat? ) what May have happened several years ago. I’d love to see her on her hands and knees, taking him all in, and getting full of sperm.

[afagehi7]

Welcome to the wannabe club.

[annsman]

“The only memorable thing is that one morning she woke up telling me of a nightmare in which she had just cheated on me and was worried that I was going to find out. I got a massive hard on and she was very wet
[/quote]

My initial thought was that you had little chance of it happening, but unless she tells you all her dreams the fact that she told you about this instead of saying nothing makes me think, she is thinking about it and maybe testing your reaction.

It’s possibly to late, but asking her more about her dream and telling her it turned you on, or saying you also dreamed about her and her boyfriend might move things on.

The big thing in your post for me was her religion and I can’t see how you get past that unless you can convince her that enjoying it together is not a sin.

[darkcrow]

or saying you also dreamed about her and her boyfriend might move things on.

I’ve been considering this alternative. I wonder how graphic I should be. I guess it will depend on the wine

The big thing in your post for me was her religion and I can’t see how you get past that unless you can convince her that enjoying it together is not a sin.

It’s either that or the thought that I may get upset or think “less” of her. With our kids, it’s difficult finding the time. I also wonder if she thinks it would just be an excuse so that I can sleep around.

[Heroprus]

What would be the safest way to gauge your reaction to sex with another without actually doing it? I think a dream accomplishes that pretty well. If you react well, then that's good. If you react poorly, well it was just a dream. I think she might be sensitive to being thought of as a loose woman by you or that she may be being tested.

My wife and I have started listened to sex podcasts at the ripe young age of our mid 60's. I thinks it's pretty common that religion and the parents idea of raising a proper lady have put a damper on sexual exploration in my generation. The podcast we were listening to today was Sex with Emily from July 15 called No Shame just sex, with Erin Tillman who is a dating coach. It was about religious and societal ideas. You can find it on Spotify. It might not be the worst thing for you two to listen too and discuss.

Good luck, I'm in a similar situation but have made a little progress, emphasis on a little.

[darkcrow]

I was hoping making some progress last night. We were having some wine and watching that “Blood, Sex and Royalty” show in Netflix. I don’t like the show at all but, hey, it’s almost softcore. Anyways, unexpected family drama (unrelated to our marriage) blindsided us and ruined our mood completely.

This morning, a bit more calmed and before returning to the scheduled drama, I lightly mentioned that I had a dream while we snuggled together in bed. She was receptive to light conversation and my kisses, and I mentioned that in my dream she had been out on a date and that she came back dripping, and that we continued having sex then. I provided a few more details, making it clear that in my dream I was okay with her date. We were making love as I was telling her this. I don’t know if it helped but it definitely did not kill our moment.

Hopefully, for now, this fantasy may become a good distraction from the extrinsic issues that we’re dealing with.

[darkcrow]

I have started to make slow, tiny progress (real progress). Or so I hope. For some background information, a few weeks ago (after an argument we had the night before) she told me about a dream she had where she came back home after cheating on me, worrying when/if I would find out. Without much else said after she told me about the dream, I got an immediate boner and we ended up having passionate sex.

A couple of days ago, on January 1st, I told her about a “dream” I had where I discovered her having sex with someone and that, in my dream, rather than reacting with jealousy I started undressing to join them. She laughed saying I was crazy while I teased her about it.

Last night, we were having a serious conversation about the things we want. I confessed how I want to do some of the crazy things I couldn’t do when I was very young but, this time, together. I told her that I feel that we have postponed a lot because of family obligations. I also told her that we’ve been married for a good while and that I don’t feel insecure or jealous of someone looking at her but quite the opposite. I, furthermore, mentioned that I want her to feel attractive and that, although I find it difficult to communicate this things sometimes (for fear that she may feel offended), I want her to know that she is not only attractive to me but to other men as well. She was surprisingly understanding and encouraged me to talk the whole time.

I told her that I may be a little exhibitionist and that I would love to go to a nudist resort some day. And that I would be willing to share a picture of her ass (which I love) on the internet (without showing her face of course) for others to see. She got very wet and we made love.

That’s all for now. I want to be cautious and not to push my luck.

[Lkncouple]

Darkcrow. Ours has been a very very long journey, full up ups and downs. I started out thinking I wanted to swing, and ran across some Hotwife porn and it really turned me on. I would bet I have been thinking about it for more than 15 years. I started with introducing her to porn. I talked her into going to some swing clubs in Atlanta and Ft Lauderdale. I have made all the mistakes along the way, but I am slowly making progress and we had our first MFM last year. If I were to say the things that worked the best for us, were:
- I bought her a 9 inch realistic Dildo. At first she said it was too thick and that she didn't want to use it. Now she has a name for it and any time we have sex, she walks in the closet and gets "Eduardo"
- We started listing to Podcasts together in the car. We liked "Room 77" it is a funny sexy swinger podcast that took the seriousness out of sex. She really likes "We Gotta Thing", but there are a few more that we like.
- Spend a Week a Desire Resorts in Mexico. Even if you don't play, she will talk to people and it normalizes sex and people are so friendly and happy.

I have documented most of it here.
viewtopic.php?f=48&t=65343

Enjoy the ride and the ups and downs.

[want2watchwifey]

I hope you get her there, sounds like with the dream and her arousal she’s at least thinking about it and getting excited. That’s a great first step in maki g the fantasy a reality, her being turned on by the thought of making love to another man while you watch. I’ll be pulling for you.

[Remuss1]

Hi! Any news?

[darkcrow]

Hello all,

Progress? Yeah, I think but just a little. I have given her the name of the adults’ resort that I’m proposing that we go to: Hedo II. I sent her some YouTube reviews of the place. She confirmed watching them and didn’t seem to have any negative comments. I did not prod, since I don’t want to be pushy. I’ve made it clear, however, that I don’t want her to feel that I’m imposing my wants, just want to make sure she is onboard. After this part of the conversation, she agreed that I take pictures of her ass. My reasoning: people are going to see you fully naked when we go to Hedo. She even posed a little, which was fun; we had a good laugh afterwards and made love. I haven’t yet got her approval to share the pictures for feedback.

[darkcrow]

Huge step back (or a series of steps). In short, I suggested to move forward with the Hedo II idea but it seems she’s reconsidered her initial mild interest. She’s also indicated not being interested in me sharing the pictures, which I respect. I thus deleted the pictures.

I bought a thicker dildo to change things up; she didn’t have issues or discomfort, but after I showed it to her, she asked if I wished her vagina was bigger. I told her of course that was not the case, that I wanted to try something different. She seemed disturbed by this and expressed her dissatisfaction. She thinks the minute I want to do something different it is because I’m not interested in our ultra-vanilla sex. I told her I felt attacked by her assuming that doing something else is depraved or indicates that I’m tired of her.

I don’t think fully revealing my kink will help things but make it worse.

[leggysman]

I would hope that if you re-frame it a little bit, she would become more receptive; if you could get her to think of it as being supportive and understanding of your kinks and fantasies - over which you have little conscious control. Nothing in there is a critique of her or your marriage -- it's just how you're wired. In theory she should be willing to try and understand these things without judgement, and possibly be interested in what makes her spouse tick. Right? Presumably you would do the same for her?

[darkcrow]

Sudden unexpected development. I don’t know if good or not. We were casually chatting right before going to sleep. I was teasing her as I always do of having boyfriends behind my back. I don’t know how the conversation led us to it but there was a point when she said something like “but you never would be okay if I’m with someone else.” I was somewhat vague or non-commitant in my response with some like “maybe” or “I don’t know.” She pressed. I said, again this is my paraphrasing: “well, I’ve been having those threesome dreams that I have told you about and I have thought, why not. We’re not going to get younger and I want to try things before I can’t. I’m no interested in anyone else or being with another woman but being with you.”

Fortunately, she didn’t seem horrified but I think she was confused. I don’t think she was expecting this from me. She was pensive but didn’t seem upset. She mentioned she’d would have a hard time doing it since she thinks of it as having her feelings involved, while I have a more physical mindset. That was it. We were both tired from the day. I didn’t want to push or force a conversation. We fell asleep hugging. I don’t know where this will lead us.

[Lucky Dog]

This will lead you to more intimacy and intimate conversations. Whether she'll agree to hotwifing is yet to be determined, but the journey you're on is a good one, no matter what the destination.

[darkcrow]

This will lead you to more intimacy and intimate conversations. Whether she'll agree to hotwifing is yet to be determined, but the journey you're on is a good one, no matter what the destination.

Thank you very much for your words, Lucky Dog!

[Lucky Dog]

Has anything further happened?

[2inUPMichigan]

When women are thinking about this (even before they are ready to admit it to themselves or their husband) they will start to look for answers to the questions in their mind.
Is he bringing it up because he isn't satisfied with our sex life? How can I figure out if this is a good choice for us and if he can handle it?
Am I prepared to change, to take on not just a new role but a new identity?

It sounds like she is slowly asking questions to find the answers that she will need in order to make an informed decision.
Be there and available ready to answer her questions when she has them. Let her do this part at the pace she needs to in order to not regret her decision.

Please do remember to enjoy each step along the way as they are important building blocks and will pave the way for your future.

[darkcrow]

Hello everyone,

My apologies for not responding sooner; I drafted a response about a month ago but somehow it didn't submit when I attempted to send it. Anyways, progress has been quite slow; one step forward, two steps back sort of thing. She initially seemed onboard with the idea of going to Hedo but then suggested we wait given the pressure of current family obligations (and stress that comes with them). I do understand but I feel frustrated in a way. That aside, last weekend we were talking about her ex. Again, I made it clear that unlike when we first got married, I wouldn't feel jealous now if she were to tell me they were banging in the back of his car during college.

Anyways, on Saturday we had a couple of whiskeys and discussed hot things. The topic reached porn and I willingly showed her some; she seemed somewhat uninterested. I guess she needs to find the sub-genre she likes and not necessarily the type of content I may suggest. This morning, before work (I had to go to the office, she worked remotely), I mentioned an "odd" dream that I just had. In my dream, we were roommates in college (we didn't go to the same college) and that I returned to find her naked in bed and her ex in the shower. She was surprised when I told her that I wasn't mad in the dream and that, in fact, I got in bed with her. I further described that in my dream I realized that she had not used protection, as she was dripping, and that she had replied that "she was taking the pill." When her ex came out of the bathroom, she reached out to suck him as I penetrated her while on her knees.

She laughed at how often my dreams are like that (ending in threesomes) and we ended up making pre-work love .

That's all for now.

[darkcrow]

Update:

Last night after a couple of glasses of wine. I finally spilled the beans (kind of). I told her that wanted to tell her about a fantasy of mine that had been, in part, caused by those dreams in which I saw us having a threesome. After a lot of struggle, I was able to tell her that that's a fantasy that I have having. I then asked her to please be try to be understanding with what I'd just said since I was bearing my soul. She basically commented something along the lines of "what would be the problem...we're consenting adults" We made love. I tried hinting a bit more but left it at that after getting not much in the way of responses.

Today, we went to have dinner at a local restaurant that we hadn't yet visited (after asking my MIL to look after the children). On the way out, as I was saying "are you ready" (to get in the cark and go to the restaurant), she jokingly said "where? are we meeting someone" and smiling knowingly. I just laughed.

At the restaurant, we coincided that it would be great vacationing in Vegas for a few days. We have never been there and, although we are not gamblers, we agreed that it would be nice to sightsee and maybe go to some shows. As she was looking on her phone at attractions, she mentioned that there were some strip shows too. I asked if there were both gender shows and she said no. I was quick to point out that I was not interested in those, since she probably would not like them. As expected, she describe them as exploitative. I wonder if she was testing me...hmmm. I suggested that we could go to a nudist resort too ( ) that are only for couples and don't accept single men. She did not comment and I left it at that.

Anyways, that's all for now.

[whosbeensleeping]

Good work on finally telling your wife about your fantasy. It's so critical to talk. It sounds like she was more open than some are, at least to hearing about it. Well done.

[To See Her]

"what would be the problem...we're consenting adults"

I know what a rush it is to get a response like that. Just hearing your wife say something positive about the idea of fucking someone else is like turbo charging the fire.

[2inUPMichigan]

Update:

Last night after a couple of glasses of wine. I finally spilled the beans (kind of). I told her that wanted to tell her about a fantasy of mine that had been, in part, caused by those dreams in which I saw us having a threesome. After a lot of struggle, I was able to tell her that that's a fantasy that I have having. I then asked her to please be try to be understanding with what I'd just said since I was bearing my soul. She basically commented something along the lines of "what would be the problem...we're consenting adults" We made love. I tried hinting a bit more but left it at that after getting not much in the way of responses.

Today, we went to have dinner at a local restaurant that we hadn't yet visited (after asking my MIL to look after the children). On the way out, as I was saying "are you ready" (to get in the cark and go to the restaurant), she jokingly said "where? are we meeting someone" and smiling knowingly. I just laughed.

At the restaurant, we coincided that it would be great vacationing in Vegas for a few days. We have never been there and, although we are not gamblers, we agreed that it would be nice to sightsee and maybe go to some shows. As she was looking on her phone at attractions, she mentioned that there were some strip shows too. I asked if there were both gender shows and she said no. I was quick to point out that I was not interested in those, since she probably would not like them. As expected, she describe them as exploitative. I wonder if she was testing me...hmmm. I suggested that we could go to a nudist resort too ( ) that are only for couples and don't accept single men. She did not comment and I left it at that.

Anyways, that's all for now.

So happy for you that you found the courage to share your truth with your wife. A dream may not be taken seriously or brushed off as "only a dream" and not something he really wants. Being open honest and vulnerable will cause her to at least consider the possibility.

At this point it is her turn to determine whether or not this is a step that she is able to take and one that she wants to make. She may have questions, which you need to be prepared to answer or help her find the answer.

It does sound like from the conversation you shared that the two of you may not have covered the subject of you playing? If not she will be thinking about that as part of her decision, especially since a nudist resort that only allows couples was mentioned. If I were her that would lead me to believe that you really wanted to play with other women.

Porn - has she told you that she enjoys porn? Men tend to be more visual while you read over and over here that hotwives want their mind turned on.
Why do you think a lot of erotica is written for women?

If it has been a few weeks since the subject has been brought up then approach her to clarify what your position is on you playing. At the same you can let her know you are willing to talk anytime she has any questions or wants to talk about any concerns she might have.

Then leave the ball in her court!

Good luck!