How much to bring it up?

[CBushotwifecpl]

When I first brought up this kink(about 10 months ago), my wife didn’t turn it down but didn’t commit to it. She brings it up in the bedroom from time to time and sometimes tells me about wanting to fuck the neighbor etc. She has started working out and and become a bit more sexual. Recently she has said “she is not sure she is into it” but won’t say no. With busy lives and young kids it is difficult finding time to go out and have some fun. My question is how much should I bring it up? I don’t want to turn her off but really want to take a small step with her. She knows it’s my fantasy so should I let her make the next move?

[fry]

That's my case, too. Young kids that are allways with us, and take a lot of time. Busy life, always tired.

I'd be happy if we just increase fantasy about this. Maybe use a date app to chat with guys. I don't need this to happen, just need my wife "tell me" she's doing it.

[CBushotwifecpl]

We have made some progress, I bought her a pantry vibrator she has worn out a few times and will dirty talk after drinking (once a month) so she might just be taking her time.

[leggysman]

If she brings it up, maybe you don't have to, very much. Maybe just encourage her and egg her on.

When she talks about (hypothetically) fooling around with the neighbor guy, why not say something like "oh, that would be hot, I would love that, seriously you should really do it if you want to"?

Just encourage her and try to communicate that, as far as you're concerned, it doesn't need to be just a fantasy.

Flipping the hotwife switch seems like a journey for most of us, which takes time. Just be consistent and tactful, and keep it front-of-mind for her that you actually want this (not just tolerate -- "I don't mind"), if she wants to make it happen for real. When that lightbulb goes on and that switch flips for her, it can be really amazing. Just help her get there one day at a time.

[Farmgirl]

When I first brought up this kink(about 10 months ago), my wife didn’t turn it down but didn’t commit to it. She brings it up in the bedroom from time to time and sometimes tells me about wanting to fuck the neighbor etc. She has started working out and and become a bit more sexual. Recently she has said “she is not sure she is into it” but won’t say no. With busy lives and young kids it is difficult finding time to go out and have some fun. My question is how much should I bring it up? I don’t want to turn her off but really want to take a small step with her. She knows it’s my fantasy so should I let her make the next move?

From my perspective, if my husband told me of a fantasy, I would just think it's something he likes to think about, not something he wants for real. If he wanted something for real, he needs to say so.
I see fantasy as 'make-believe', those things can be fun to talk about but are always make-believe. Reality is entirely different. If you want reality, have the talk and say so. Explain why you want it, and be prepared with answers to her questions.

[CBushotwifecpl]

She knows I am serious but I do need to do a better job of telling her why.Would like to ask her to read a book to understand my kink.

[harmankard]

Have you told her you want remain true to her? That’ll squash a lot of in decision on her part.

And as I always comment, how clean is that kitchen? Laundry semi done? (It’s never done with kids

Sean

[SilverStag]

She knows I am serious but I do need to do a better job of telling her why.Would like to ask her to read a book to understand my kink.

A book may help to legitimize the idea, but only you can explain it to her in a way that indicates you understand the dynamics and how you envision it would play out. This is a very personal thing and not everyone has the same reasons or needs/desires, so you have to be prepared to explain and answer her questions yourself.

[Sharing One]

I was afraid to push it too fast for fear of disappointing her, so I took it very slow. I took little baby steps over several months. But now looking back on it, I could have moved the process along a-lot faster. Because, each step, I was given the green light by her. I know every couple and every person is different, so what I am saying may not work for you. I do agree with farmgirl. There is a major difference between a fantasy and a true feeling. You have to let her know that she has her freedom to explore her sexual desires at the table as well as in the bed.

[respectabullinma]

The things a husband/partner need to do to get his wife/partner to discuss or think about this lifestyle... isn't buying her a huge dildo or sharing porn or stories or any of that nonsense. It's communicating openly and honestly about his interest in this lifestyle and, most importantly, WHY he is interested in it. Otherwise, it kind of sounds like a trap, right? "Oh, you can have as much cock as you want and I'll love it!" You need to be able to talk, in detail, about why you want this. Being that open and honest in your communication is a learned skill, because you are putting yourself out there. You have to do this because a partner needs to know, with 100% certainty, that you mean what you say. Accepting that empowerment to become a hotwife isn't easy because it comes with a LOT of responsibility. You will have to juggle emotions and angst, put in the work on your core relationship as well as any playmates you have...

The other important thing is that you cannot force or browbeat your partner to saying yes. They have to accept that empowerment and be willing to work on this with you, as this is very much a team sport. So when you do talk about it, make sure you have time and privacy to really talk about it. Let her ask questions, give her time to think. In most situations, this lifestyle works best when it's additive on top of your already satisfying relationship. So talk, discuss, be open and most importantly be patient. Good luck!

[mfm4bnc]

A mom has people making demands of her and her body 24/7. You have already identified a big barrier... time and energy. I think the number 1 thing a wannabe can do to help his wife make the leap is take some of the load off of her. Bonus points if you can do it without directly linking it to your desire to have her repay you by acting out fantasies.

It doesn't SEEM sexy, but these are the things that tipped my first wife over the edge when we had young kids at home:

• Throw a load of laundry in when you get home from work
  Take the kids to the park and give her some alone time at the house
  suggest she take a girls night out... don't complain if it is just a book club at her female friend's house

It is no accident that a lot of hotwives start in their forties... that is when they stop having so many demands and stop having kids climbing on them or yelling for her to find the katsup in the refrigerator.

[CBushotwifecpl]

Well I see her this, I can’t be more honest than this and my plan is to not bring it up until she is ready to ask me questions, feel free to read and let me know what you think. Thanks everyone!

Not being able to sleep I decided to share some feelings about my ethical non monogamous interest before I drop it for good. Specifically you seeing other men while I remain faithful. I’d love to start a dialogue that allows us to share our thoughts and feelings about it. I would have not brought this up 2, 4, or 10 years ago because we were not at a place where I would be comfortable with it. Frankly, I wasn’t even interested. But now I feel very secure with where we are in life and this desire has emerged. I love and trust you more than ever and that is why I can share this with you. This is about you being able to be ethically non monogamous, not me by the way. I hope you don’t think this is a ploy for me to be with other women, I promise, it’s not.

In a world where the overwhelming percentage of couples are getting divorced, not having sex, complaining about each other, and generally being unhappy with their partner, I want us to be different. Society tells us that we have to be with one person forever and wonder why most relationships fail. Society tells women that they are sluts if they seek sexual attention but applaud men as studs for the same. Most people are too far gone and accept this as a way of life or go behind peoples back to fulfill needs and desires. My guess is if you offered this lifestyle secretly to your married friends they would say it is too good to be true. I believe you deserve to good to be true.

Being ethically non monogamous is about us loving and trusting each other enough to selectively include others in fantasy or reality. I want to do this because I think so highly of you and want nothing more than to see you as the wonderful, sexy and adventurous woman that you are/can be/want to be. I love other men flirting with and lusting over you, and would love hearing about you flirting, or making out …it’s sexy, it’s taboo, it’s an ego boost, it’s a lot of different things. Google compersion, and that’s me.

It’s not adultery because everything is done as a couple and transparency is paramount. I’m not a submissive cuck who wants you to humiliate me…it’s about feeling like a strong adventurous couple who enjoys exploring ethical non monogamy together from time to time. It’s seeing you giving in to pleasure, it’s hearing about you being appreciated and lusted after.

Trust is one of the most prominent characteristics of this type of arrangement. We not only would agree to open our relationship, but trust you with the choice of your partners, rules, and boundaries. There is no stronger show of trust than sharing your partner, and also very empowering for you. I trust that you will come back after a date with another man excited to see your husband. You trust that I will welcome you home and still love you as much, or maybe even more than before.

Another benefit is a boost of confidence. Some women think that as they age they become less desirable. That is until you find out that handsome men of all ages think you are very, very sexy just like I do. I tell you all the time that you are smart and beautiful and maybe you only believe me because I’m your husband. But if one day you went out to meet a new man wearing a tight pants, low-cut top, with your hair done, and make up just right, I guarantee you would have him in the palm of your hand. That would be a boost to anyone’s confidence. Having this freedom can make you feel at times single again, yet with the security of a good marriage. Again, too good to be true is what you deserve.

Participating couples confirm this relationship leads to better communication. It is something we could use as it will force us to communicate better than we ever have before. As an example, its nice talking about our past relationships without fear or jealousy. You can tell me certain things that a past boyfriend/current FWB may have done that you enjoyed and I get excited hearing about it.

Studies show it increases intimacy which is positive in any relationship. Sharing kinks, fantasies, and our deepest desires allows us as a couple to become closer than we could have ever imagined. We get to know each other on the most intimate of levels that are often neglected.

Meeting new friends is a benefit in my opinion.
In a traditional marriage spouses are cut off from half the population as potential friends which is ridiculous. You can have friends of either gender, as well as “friends with benefits” if you wish.

Not that I need it but it makes me remember that you are still sexy and attractive to other men. It doesn’t hurt one bit for that constant reminder. It makes me want to continue to impress you, I’m competitive as you know. It will remind me to not take you for granted and keeps me in a constant state of having to romance you. Even though I approve, and it was my idea, I will have the feeling that I need to appreciate what I have.

I wanted to email you because I never find the courage to tell you in person and I guess I want you to understand where I am coming from besides some odd fantasy shared in the heat of sex or late after a night out. Yes, I feel better you know this about me but, I still fight off the feeling of shame even though studies show 58% of men share this same desire. If you are not interested in any form of ethical non monogamy, it’s ok, I’ll love you forever no matter what as I couldn’t be happier about what we already have. This is only offered as an occasional add on to our relationship, not replacing anything missing. There is no rush, honestly, it’s a thrill when you do/say anything playfully, thank you for doing it. You have said in the past, “I’m not sure I’m interested” and “I don’t want to have pressure to be sexual every time we go out”. I promised to not bring it up when we go out and I will honor that. I am really nervous to say anything normally because it feels like it bothers you more than it excites you so I apologize if I ever made you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted you to know how I feel and how open I am if you have any interest that I’m unaware of. If you are open at least learning, I want to make sure I answer any questions or concerns you have over a couple of drinks once the kids are in bed some weekend. Basically I have never had the chance to explain myself, and I don’t think you have researched it, hence this novel. Thanks, and appreciate you listening and am happy to have someone as understanding as you.

Love,

[leggysman]

Nice one. I bet she liked it. And, if she has any openness to the idea, I think this will help move things forward.

[CBushotwifecpl]

Nice one. I bet she liked it. And, if she has any openness to the idea, I think this will help move things forward.

Thanks!!!!

[CBushotwifecpl]

Nice one. I bet she liked it. And, if she has any openness to the idea, I think this will help move things forward.

Thanks!!!!

[PaNic]

That’s brilliant, really well said and from your heart (as well as the usual organs )
If you don’t mind, I’d like to show it to my partner because it says so much that I wanted to say but couldn’t find words for? Of course I’ll say they aren’t my words originally?
Let us know how it’s received, and good luck with many adventures to come!

[CBushotwifecpl]

That’s brilliant, really well said and from your heart (as well as the usual organs )
If you don’t mind, I’d like to show it to my partner because it says so much that I wanted to say but couldn’t find words for? Of course I’ll say they aren’t my words originally?
Let us know how it’s received, and good luck with many adventures to come!

Go for it! Thanks for the kind words. She has been sick lately so we will talk the next time we have drinks I’m sure, I can’t wait!

[PaNic]

I would suggest talking about this when you aren’t drinking, at least initially, so she can see you really stand by it wholeheartedly and it’s not just alcohol or horniness.
She may not know how to respond to your email, ask her if she’s read it and be curious about how she feels. Sure, don’t hassle her while she’s sick but do mention it and break the ice...

[CBushotwifecpl]

I would suggest talking about this when you aren’t drinking, at least initially, so she can see you really stand by it wholeheartedly and it’s not just alcohol or horniness.
She may not know how to respond to your email, ask her if she’s read it and be curious about how she feels. Sure, don’t hassle her while she’s sick but do mention it and break the ice...

Well I haven’t done this yet … my plan was to wait to see if she brings it up after I sent her that email a few weeks ago. She hadn’t brought it up until we went to her Christmas party and had drinks. While I was going down on her later that night she was saying, “who do you want to see fuck me?” She was not sober and probably just playing in to my fantasy. I guess I am going to keep waiting because I laid it all out in my email, when she wants to talk … I will.

[Sharing One]

When she asked you “who do you want to see me fuck?” How did you respond to her? No answer, gave her a name, or asked if she had someone in mind?

[CBushotwifecpl]

When she asked you “who do you want to see me fuck?” How did you respond to her? No answer, gave her a name, or asked if she had someone in mind?

I asked her who she wants … the only person she brings up is our neighbor who is off limits for obvious reasons. I don’t have anyone in mind because my friends are off limits. I like to fantasy play about the neighbor but wish there was someone else who is actually viable. I guess I need to be prepared for an answer in the future … I’ll say one of her exes but that hasn’t went anywhere when I asked about them in the past. I’m open to suggestions and I should feel lucky she does engage at times

[Sharing One]

I can understand your reservations about neighbors and close friends. But I think you have to be careful not to shut her down completely. Have you considered her pretending to be a cheating housewife and her seeing the neighbor without him knowing that you know.

Another idea is to take her on a vacation where she has freedom to explore. I would also make clear to her that you do not need to be present and that its her choice. I started out like you by putting limits on who she could see and I later regretted it because it cause her not to be totally open with her fantasies, and delayed our hotwife lifestyle.

[CBushotwifecpl]

I can understand your reservations about neighbors and close friends. But I think you have to be careful not to shut her down completely. Have you considered her pretending to be a cheating housewife and her seeing the neighbor without him knowing that you know.

Another idea is to take her on a vacation where she has freedom to explore. I would also make clear to her that you do not need to be present and that its her choice. I started out like you by putting limits on who she could see and I later regretted it because it cause her not to be totally open with her fantasies, and delayed our hotwife lifestyle.

I let her fantasize about the neighbor, and I should have just said him when she asked bc I’m sure that is what she wanted, my mistake. I also have let her make comments about my boss etc. on my email I was pretty clear that she has the power here but will continue. Unfortunately I just had a vacation cancelled! I need to get another set up asap … we were headed to Mexico and discuss led one night at Temptations. Let me know if you have any other recommendations about location where single men will be there and not shy about hitting on her.

[Sharing One]

I forgot to complement you on your letter to your wife. It was the best idea I have ever read on this forum. I don’t know of any man who could have written his wife how you felt about her and your feelings any better. Again fantastic letter.

Now, in regard to the vacation planning, you two can have a lot of fun planning for your new lifestyle. For example, make it clear to her that the goal of the vacation is for you both to do something you have never done in the past.

During pillow talk, you can both come up with different vacation hotwife fun. You can take her out and help her pick out new clothes, and make-up. If you go on a cruise, there would be plenty of opportunities for her. Encourage her sit at the bar by herself. Encourage her to take a course on the boat where she can be alone to meet guys. Take her to a parlor on the boat to get a massage.

[CBushotwifecpl]

I forgot to complement you on your letter to your wife. It was the best idea I have ever read on this forum. I don’t know of any man who could have written his wife how you felt about her and your feelings any better. Again fantastic letter.

Now, in regard to the vacation planning, you two can have a lot of fun planning for your new lifestyle. For example, make it clear to her that the goal of the vacation is for you both to do something you have never done in the past.

During pillow talk, you can both come up with different vacation hotwife fun. You can take her out and help her pick out new clothes, and make-up. If you go on a cruise, there would be plenty of opportunities for her. Encourage her sit at the bar by herself. Encourage her to take a course on the boat where she can be alone to meet guys. Take her to a parlor on the boat to get a massage.

I appreciate the kind words! I hope my email worked … by her asking me (drunk) “who would you like to see me fuck” cannot be a bad sign. I’ll know we are making progress when she brings it up without drinks. I really want to start a conversation now but need to hold back IMO. Of course our canceled vacation was a perfect time but alas, it is canceled. Thanks for the advice and I will look to set something up!