I have a question for Stags

[Cpreciosa9]

Hi.
My husband and I are Jr high sweethearts. We’ve only been with each other our entire lives. Been together for 17 years. We’re both 32.

Last year he brought up how he’d like to see me getting fucked good by someone. Took me by surprise but I went with it. We fucked to the dirty talk and sex toys. To amp it up, i began to sext other men, send nudes, did a video chat, everything but. Since Ive ONLY been with one person my whole life, he tells me I should try bigger sized dicks in a ‘Life’s too short’ kinda way. Hell ya, I’m kinda curious. He reassures me that its my pleasure what gets him off. We’re so close to actually finding a third. But…

I, however, do not want to share him. I’ve made this abundantly clear: he does not fuck another woman. It doesn’t turn me on. This pisses me off even typing it. This is a hard no for me and if he were to slip up, it could damage our marriage.
So Stags, Does her newfound freedom give u more of an open to do the same? Is it unfair that I get to try out different men and he can’t with women?

Honestly, this is what keep me from taking the plunge. I’ve spoken to my spouse about my concerns. Our communication has gone through the roof since we started this “wannabe” kink. He tells me he’s not interested in other women and it’s my pleasure what he wants to experience. I’m just doing my research before we do this.

Sorry for the whole novel.

[trecital]

What you are asking for might seem to be hypocritical. But, if that's your condition, and he's happy with it then where's the problem?
Many men, particularly in a cuckold situation, are happy for their wife to play around while they stay faithful.
For me, after I discovered my wife was having an affair with a work colleague, I agreed that she should continue her sexual relationship with him. But she said she would do so only if I agreed not to persue another woman. I was quite happy to agree this.
I started a thread in the Cuckold forum here, called 'Wife agrees to have sex with others, on condition that you don't'.
Lots of responses on there from men who have agreed to this condition, with some tales of how wives have tried to enforce it.

[2inUPMichigan]

I see that you posed the question for Stags to answer but I wanted to put my .02

A fair situation is if things are equal, right?
So if a man gets turned on my his wife playing with other men then they are both turned on = win/win
If a woman is not turned on by her husband playing with other women but he does anyway then he is tuned on and she isn't = win/lose
Those two situations are not equal and if she is turned off then it isn't "fair" for her to be upset by him playing.

You absolutely should speak up and tell him if it us a deal breaker for you if he were to play with other women. Make it clear that if he considers this a way to later on have a chance at playing with other women you aren't going to change your mind.
Know that you are not alone! There are quite a few hotwives here that have expressed the same thing!

[afagehi7]

I see that you posed the question for Stags to answer but I wanted to put my .02

A fair situation is if things are equal, right?
So if a man gets turned on my his wife playing with other men then they are both turned on = win/win
If a woman is not turned on by her husband playing with other women but he does anyway then he is tuned on and she isn't = win/lose
Those two situations are not equal and if she is turned off then it isn't "fair" for her to be upset by him playing.

You absolutely should speak up and tell him if it us a deal breaker for you if he were to play with other women. Make it clear that if he considers this a way to later on have a chance at playing with other women you aren't going to change your mind.
Know that you are not alone! There are quite a few hotwives here that have expressed the same thing!

Exactly, lay out the rules/boundaries clearly.

[Farmgirl]

My husband doesn't play, I'm too possessive (jealous?). He likes me playing and telling him about it, and that works splendidly for us . I have a desire to be "me" and he has a desire for me to be me. I have a need for him to remain monogamous, and he has a need for me to be nonmonogamous.
Is it fair or equal? Of course, it is, we both get our desires and needs met.
Talk to and listen to your husband, so you will both be on the same page. There is nothing strange about you playing and him not.

[annsman]

I’m turned on by my wife having sex with other men, she is too jealous for me to have sex with other women.

So her having sex and me being faithful works for both of us, it’s a win win situation. I definitely don’t think I’m missing out.

[bubbajack]

It is not a "double standard" or "hypocrisy" at the real level of "marital sexual enjoyment" if spouses decide that a sexual activity that one spouse enjoys and that the other hates will not be part of their lives together.

Words that "describe" a sex activity that spouses differ on as to enjoyment might read the same way and include all the same words - "fuck other people" is an example (a purely random one, of course ) - but if the actual experiences differ in the real sexual enjoyment of the spouses, respectively, then those word-definitions conceal rather than reveal the main point of the purpose of marital sexuality.

My hotwife and I enjoy her actually fucking other guys. That bears no relation to the hypothetical proposition of me fucking other women, other than the presence of some words.

[Cpreciosa9]

My limits are clear in our marriage and he's accepted. I guess I keep second guessing if I should open this rabbit hole. Thank you for that, I'll check out the forum you suggested.

[Cpreciosa9]

Thank your for that!

[Cpreciosa9]

My husband doesn't play, I'm too possessive (jealous?). He likes me playing and telling him about it, and that works splendidly for us . I have a desire to be "me" and he has a desire for me to be me. I have a need for him to remain monogamous, and he has a need for me to be nonmonogamous.
Is it fair or equal? Of course, it is, we both get our desires and needs met.
Talk to and listen to your husband, so you will both be on the same page. There is nothing strange about you playing and him not.

This is exactly what my husband tells me, he wants me to be me. I have so many feelings and this lifestyle could forever change us. Just doing my research before we take that first meetup. Thank you for the kind words.

[Shantideva]

I think you've already received substantive, helpful feedback here, but as a "wannabe" in the same position your husband is in, I thought I'd add a slightly different perspective.

First, I'd echo the sentiments expressed earlier by others: I'd view my wife's extramarital activities as an extension of OUR sexual relationship. Her flirting, fooling around with, and sleeping with other men would be something she would do both for herself and also for the both of us, because it would be something that turned us both on and benefited us both.

That said, I WOULD like to sleep with other women, but I would never manipulate my wife into that or use her own extramarital activities as leverage to coerce her into giving me that experience. The two issues are separate in my mind, and each sexual boundary is open for its own negotiation between the two of us, and the only actions we should take are those we both feel comfortable with and agree upon. If she isn't comfortable with me being with other women in whatever capacity, then I wouldn't want to do it, because her happiness is more valuable to me than sexual adventures.

[Bent_n_Twisted]

I, however, do not want to share him. I’ve made this abundantly clear: he does not fuck another woman. It doesn’t turn me on. This pisses me off even typing it. This is a hard no for me and if he were to slip up, it could damage our marriage.
So Stags, Does her newfound freedom give u more of an open to do the same? Is it unfair that I get to try out different men and he can’t with women?

My wife is the same, she says that she can't stand the thought of me fucking another woman. Sometimes she likes to keep me locked in a 'chastity cage', so that she knows that I *can't*.

When we talked about her being able to fuck others, she also asked if I was trying to make it OK for me to do the same. The answer was 'No'. Now, I wouldn't be completely opposed to the idea if she were cool with it, but she isn't, so I'm not going to. For me, it's just that the thought of her fucking someone else is super 'hot',we've been together for more than 30 years and I'm not going to screw that up by dipping my wick someplace else if she is opposed to it...and it's even 'hotter' when she is keeping me locked so that I can't fuck at all, while she gets to fuck all she wants. In fact, it is one of the primary stipulations of her 'Hall Pass'- she only gets to fuck around if/when she is keeping me locked (the other stipulation is that I have to be aware of it and 'somehow' involved, no sneaking around behind my back).

It actually turns me on that she can fuck around and I can't. It's strange, but true, I find the asymmetry of it to be extremely erotic.

[blackmann33]

There has to be some trust involved and believing your hubby when he says the doesn't want another woman. Maybe he really means it and there are plenty of guys who do mean is, as opposed to those looking to parlay their wife's fun into fun for them on the side. That would be a BS thing to do and hopefully he is not like that. Again, trust.

As a stag my primary goal is to see my wife pleasured and enjoy that with my light-to-direct participation, if that means only to re-claim her after a good fuck. She is beautiful and it's a turn on seeing other people celebrate her beauty. However, I reserve the right to also play, which I would never do alone or without her consent. In fact, I would also want her to be involved if only just to watch.

My wife is not bi but she does sometimes like looking at women or commenting on their body. She may be slightly curious but it doesn't matter to me one way or the other. She has told me more than once that she would never share me, but if/when we ever take the leap it would only be on the condition that adding another woman is optional. I don't know if it would ever happen but I want the option, so a hard no would be a deal killer for me. That is the spirit of our communication.

[Bobs52]

I guess everyone is different, but to me a major part of the hotness is the inequity or unfairness of it.

The fact that she can have sex with anyone, anytime and as often as she likes while I must remain completely faithful supercharges the whole thing for me.

Don’t feel bad. That may be exactly what he wants!

ETA: We don’t do any of the chastity, denial etc that leans more toward the cuckolding adventure (but I guess it’s all nomenclature). Added this just to give perspective that a “stag” can get off on that dynamic as well.

[Parsifal]

Yours is an excellent question, and gauging from the responses here and from what I've read in a thousand other places, plus as it works in my own marriage, the hotwife arrangement is a marriage that opens on one wide only and does not tend to evolve into a swinger-both-sides-open marriage. Is this "fair"? No, not if you define fairness in terms of equality or symmetry of rules. But can assymetrical rules function to produce the more satisfying marital arrangement? Yes. Human psychology, relationship psychology is not algebraic. It operates according to a discernable logic, and things in a relationship can be explained in terms of finding the right balance, but not in the sense necessarily of having equal weights on both sides of a scale.

My hypothesis is that women by nature, and in general, are less able than men to feel compersion from their spouses receiving sexual fulfillment from other partners. To be sure, there are exceptions to this generality, just as there are plenty of males incapable of comprehending how it can be hot to let one's dearly beloved and cherished wife open her legs for another man. Hotwifing is popular, hot-husbanding is not.

My wife has no desire for me to be with other women. It does not turn her on in the least. I view that as a form of sexual orientation on her part, just as compersion and heterosexuality are mine. I feel it, she doesn't.

Is it a jealousy thing for her too? Yes. She is highly competitive and would hate some other female poaching on her preserve, no question.

From my perspective, would I like her to feel compersive and for there to be symmetry in our relationship? To be honest, yes, sometimes, but never to the point of rocking the boat. It would not excite me to be with another woman one bit if she became emotionally distressed over it. So it's not a big issue. Rather, the desire I do feel for an outside experience of my own feels more like a shadow of her lust for extramarital sex. It's when she's on a date, for example, that the empathetic projection I'm feeling over her outwardly directed lust is experienced by me as lust of my own for someone on the outside. Typically, after her dates end, those feelings tend to subside, and they're never strong enough to act upon or even create in me any danger of wanting to cheat.

I may be an outlier in having these shadow lusts as I sometimes call them. Most men who allow their wives these liberties seem quite content to be mongamous, as I am too.

[Herman71]

This has by far been my favorite post on here and I will bookmark this and let my wife read this. Thank you for this question as she has experienced the same questions in our journey.

[hotwifegoddes4u]

Very late to the party, but in my case, I lost the desire to be with other women after my wife fucked her ex (with my encouragement and blessing) when we were still dating. Sure I find many other women attractive, but the thing that happened for me was that my wife is an integral part of my sexuality. And since she gets zero out of the idea of bisexual play with other women or me fucking other women, there is little interest on my part.

My wife is equitable to a fault, so recently she said if she ever does play in real life, I have the freedom to. This was not new BTW, but just a repetition of something we agreed to years ago. Her bottom line is she wants us to be fair with each other and she would feel it is unfair for me to not have the freedom I offer her in the sexual realm. I just have zero interest in doing it if she is not involved. Her part of the deal is that she doesn't want to talk about or think about it. I am allowed to just tell her I will be spending time with a female friend and leave it at that.

Back when we were dating, we did give this a try once. I met a woman I liked and got together with her for dates and sex. My wife (then girlfriend) said she didn't want to know anything about it. It felt odd to not share the experiences with her and that took away from it for me a bit. The other hitch was that the other woman started doubting that my girlfriend knew and was threatening to confront her. I didn't want that, not because I was lying, but because my girlfriend would have been massively embarrassed at having to talk to "the other woman".

The reality, in my particular situation is that even though my wife wanted to be equitable, she wanted to remain disconnected from it because of her natural jealousy (much like you don't want this kind of thing to happen at all). Me, personally, I would be ecstatic if my wife played around and decided to NOT be equitable. Go figure.

Not sure where you both wound up on this issue, but I am hoping your husband was pretty solid and clear on not wanting to play around himself. That is the ideal situation in my opinion.

[jw_kk]

This is a complicated topic. Long ago, I was socialized/indoctrinated into the theory and practice of monogamy. The details are unimportant.

In context, I don’t consider myself a “stag,” and I’m not fond of labeling in the general sense. With that, some personal experience as a male:

My wife KK broke off our engagement during our undergraduate years. She was never happily monogamous, as I later discovered. The trauma of that broken engagement led to my obsession with KK having sex with other men, and the sort of “smashing” of monogamy in theory, as well as practice.

Perversely, our relationship has always been asymmetric - KK is insanely, almost homicidally jealous when it comes to me and other women. Even from the time we were dating that was the case. I was naive, granted, but a simple example of encountering a female acquaintance of mine in some venue would trigger KK’s hostility.

In a summary sense, my trauma and consequent obsession led to the combination of years of pressure, suggestion, encouragement, etc. to lead KK in the direction of openly engaging in sex with other men with my knowledge and participation.

As far as doing it openly, KK engaged in sex with other men, infidelities, from one-night stands, casual encounters, to more traditional emotional affairs, even after we resumed our engagement, into our married life.

For me, the unrequited obsession led to my engaging in affairs with other women, particularly other married women, as sort of proxy for my unmet desire. I also adore, and worship women - I find them fascinating, and enjoy the process of seduction.

These things adversely, negatively, and destructively combined for the first two decades of our married life. We both engaged in adulterous behavior, but not in any open sense. Admittedly it is a perverse, complex situation.

All that said, I never looked at KK having sex with another man as “license” for me to engage in sex with other women. In retrospect, I might’ve been content never to look at another woman, let alone engage sexually, had KK acceded to my desires.

We’ve since figured it, and each other out, at least for the most part. In a sense, I accept the asymmetry in our relationship. I do however engage in sex with other women - just very, very discreetly. We live a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” in that regard. KK’s near homicidal jealousy has never waned. I travel frequently on business, so I’m able to address my desires for seduction and other women in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind basis, without significant risk of discovery and conflict.

On the other hand, I fully support KK enjoying sex with other men, including her mostly recent “boyfriend” relationship, which is a big change for us.

[36DDwife]

I fuck other women with my wife’s approval but if she had an issue with it, I wouldn’t since I get more pleasure from watching her fuck.

[RemMb36+]

My wife says she doesn't want to hear about it. She loves her experiences and understands that each time she has been with someone else's husband.
She's willing to let me do it, if I want, just don't tell her about it.

[Bent_n_Twisted]

My wife says she doesn't want to hear about it...She's willing to let me do it, if I want, just don't tell her about it.

My wife once told me that I can do anything I want with other women, except fuck them. Although she didn't *say* she doesn't want to know about it, I get the impression that she doesn't.

I haven't tested to see if she actually meant it. She might have, because she also once mentioned getting another woman to help 'train' me. I think it might be hot to have to/get to pleasure other women besides/in addition to my wife, while locked, knowing that I won't be able to fuck them.

Part of the reason I haven't tried to do anything with other women is because when other women have shown an interest in me, I am sort of at a loss as to how to proceed. What am I supposed to say?

"Sure [lady], I'd love to [go out] with you and have some fun, but my wife keeps my cock locked in a cage so we can do everything but fuck. Are you OK with that?"

Hmmmm, no, that doesn't seem to be quite the right way to go about it. I have a suspicion that not a lot of women are going to respond in a favorable manner.

So, don't say anything and let things run a normal course? Yeah I can see it now, start making out and then things get a little 'handsy' until..."Hey! What's this??!!"

"Ah, erm...well, my wife likes to keep my cock locked in a chastity cage so that I can't fuck other women. She's cool with everything else, just no fucking."

"You have a wife? She keeps your cock in a cage? Bwahahahahahahahaha!"

Nah, that doesn't seem like it would work out very well either. Can anybody calculate the odds of randomly running into just the right sort of kinky chick that would say "Hot Damn! You're exactly what I've been looking for! You can rub, lick and suck but I don't have to fuck you or blow you, that's just how I like it. And as a bonus I get to laugh at your cock, all swollen and tortured and trying to break out of his cage!"

One in a thousand? One in ten thousand? Worse?

[RemMb36+]

Each couple seems to be different, that's why I started here. I like opinions, gives a little different perspective on things.

[Bartleby]

Hi.
My husband and I are Jr high sweethearts. We’ve only been with each other our entire lives. Been together for 17 years. We’re both 32.

Last year he brought up how he’d like to see me getting fucked good by someone. Took me by surprise but I went with it. We fucked to the dirty talk and sex toys. To amp it up, i began to sext other men, send nudes, did a video chat, everything but. Since Ive ONLY been with one person my whole life, he tells me I should try bigger sized dicks in a ‘Life’s too short’ kinda way. Hell ya, I’m kinda curious. He reassures me that its my pleasure what gets him off. We’re so close to actually finding a third. But…

I, however, do not want to share him. I’ve made this abundantly clear: he does not fuck another woman. It doesn’t turn me on. This pisses me off even typing it. This is a hard no for me and if he were to slip up, it could damage our marriage.
So Stags, Does her newfound freedom give u more of an open to do the same? Is it unfair that I get to try out different men and he can’t with women?

Honestly, this is what keep me from taking the plunge. I’ve spoken to my spouse about my concerns. Our communication has gone through the roof since we started this “wannabe” kink. He tells me he’s not interested in other women and it’s my pleasure what he wants to experience. I’m just doing my research before we do this.

Sorry for the whole novel.

It is absolutely and only the wife who is allowed to have other sex partners. The husband has to stay true to her. There is nothing hypocritical about this.
Your husband wants you to do it and he will get joy out of it. You haven't asked him to have other sex partners. I am confident that your husband will understand this,

[Fapster69]

Me and my GF haven't taken the plunge yet, I have only told her about my fantasy of her being shared.

Honestly I'd be happy just watching her getting fucked, but if she told me she's be okay with me fucking other women I'd be all for it!