I think "Late's " reply below seemed to be in response from one of your earlier posts about, "
NO", that was more of a kneejerk automatic
no that should have been overcome.
I reread the entire thread just now. One significant lesson we all struggle with in our daily lives is to keep striving to become better at learning or guessing if or when we should push past that
no, accept it, try another time, or just spend more effort to learn what the right answer should have been. Then next, take the right action, now or later. And if it occurs often and it is important, then fix it or at least don't ignore working on it.
The effects of often accepting that
no for decades radically affected your relationship, and mine as well. Our job in any relationship is to push past whatever words are spoken, and find out what the answer really should be, regardless of what was said, or thought they meant at the time. Being that perceptive, and then paying the price in both risk and time to push past that to discover what the answer would have been without the barriers that were erected, (no pun here, BTW
is sometimes costly and we avoid it.
Some couples have supposed rules that, "if you want it and ask, sex will never be denied". I think that is impractical, too imposing on the other person, and is never a rule that is followed very closely. OTOH, I think it is imperative to push past the "no", and first discover what the real reason is, or would be, without the impulse driven barrier. Then, go the next step and take whatever action is appropriate for this instance, or over a long period of time, and fix what's broken, (if anything).
I think there is a lot to learn here in this thread, so I hope it is flagged as "please preserve" and move to where it won't be automatically axed. Maybe there's an admin function that would allow you to take a snapshot of a thread that includes all the meta-data, that could be "restored" intact from that point in time.
Late wrote: ↑Tue Jan 23, 2024 9:31 am
"At that moment I was struck with the realization that M didn't know the real M. She had learned to lie to herself, to deny her wants. "It's like you've built a shell around your heart. You need to connect with your genuine inner self, and believe it", I said."
There were several things you have mentioned that really struck home to me, but this is the most significant one. I don't know if it a breakthrough moment for US (my wife and me), but I do know that it is a breakthrough for me. I have just started to pursue it with her, so we'll have to see where it goes. Anyway, I do appreciate you taking the time to document your story, and share it with this community, with me.
Late