I'm confused with questions

[confuseddad]

Hello Everyone. First, if this isn't the right place for this then I apologize. I've tried searching around and trying to find a good place to ask questions and it's surprisingly difficult.

My wife and I are both in our 40's and we're what I would consider very liberal, very progressive. Certainly not prudes and we make a real effort not to judge others.

Yesterday, our daughter and her husband came over and said they had something to discuss with us. At first we thought they were going to tell us they were pregnant, but they seemed way to nervous for that. Eventually our daughter explained that she and her husband are "poly." Now, poly is a newer term to my wife and I and while we've never gone down that path, we've had friends that were swingers and stuff like that. Our daughter explained that she broke up with "one of her boyfriends" and he didn't take it well, threatening to out her and her husband to us and they wanted to head that off.

Once we kind of reassured them that we didn't totally care about their sex life and that they're adults and obviously free to do as they want, they relaxed and opened up more.

As we talked, a few things became a little clearer.

1. Their relationship has always been this way, from when they started dating in college up through their marriage two years ago to today. They also said they don't really envision ever not point this way.

2. As much as they initially described it as "poly," it became very clear to us that our daughter apparently dates and her husband doesn't. When we asked about this, they were a little nervous but just kind of explained that's how they prefer it and they're both happy.

3. Outside of a couple friends of theirs we're the only ones that know.

4. Our daughter has "boyfriends" and people she sees, but one of the men she sees she's been seeing for awhile and considers more serious.

5. They talked a lot about relationship dynamics and different things. I got the impression that they're either talked to a lot of similar minded people or read a lot of books. It was a lot about different bonds and different ways to love.

Questions.

1. I don't want to ask if this is "normal." What is normal anyway? But does this seem safe? Sustainable? I think my wife and I, our fur reaction is to worry about their marriage and of course safety.

2. Towards the end of our conversation our daughter said she'd love for us to meet her boyfriend, which her husband seemed supportive of. Is it right for us to do that or get involved in that way?

3. If we meet her boyfriend (that's still really weird to think about) we aren't really sure what to do.

4. This is hard for us, but is this fair to her husband? To us at least he seems to be getting the short end of things, despite him saying that he's supportive.


I think my wife and I are still working through this and trying to figure it out. Again, I apologize if this isn't the right place for this.

[2inUPMichigan]

Welcome to OHW confuseddad

I am so very glad you found us and I will tell you why! Oh wait before I explain let me tell you I'm 57 and have a married child in his early 30's. Even though I am a hotwife I would still be somewhat surprised if they approached us with the same story. So I understand the confusion and concern, it is out of love

There are a lot of real people that will chime in with their experiences. We have a Poly Forum that you might want to read through to get some ideas about how different couples view their relationships.

We are a pretty open and friendly community

1) we have couples here that have engaged in non-monogamy for 20, 30 and even 40 years.
*It doesn't fix a broken relationship but if a couple has good communication skills and a solid foundation this can be a great journey together where they learn a lot about each other and themselves.
To be involved in a successful non-monogamous relationship you need open lines of communication, honesty and trust.

2) some couples keep their "vanilla" lives separate but it is more common for those that are poly vs those that are not, to introduce a boyfriend to family and friends
*I would say meeting him depends on your comfort level. Your daughter is asking you to meet someone she is in a relationship with. It is a little unconventional but it isn't much different than meeting anyone else she has a relationship with.

3) Dinner at her house? Just shake his hand and ask how they met (like any friend of hers you meet the 1st time) and see if you have anything in common you can talk about.
*The subject of their relationship doesn't have to be dinner conversation if the two of you aren't ready for that.

4) The two of them CHOSE this. There are more people out there choosing alternative relationship styles than you might think.
**There is a word compersion that some here could explain better than I.
His happiness may come from seeing her happy.

Many men on this site are turned on by the thought of their wifes having sex with other men. So they definitely benefit!

[Her number1]

My wife has had other lovers for almost 30 of our 49 year marriage. While I have enjoyed other women in the past, I haven't been with another for several years.
This dynamic works very well for us, we have a better, stronger, more loving marriage in part for it.

With what you describe, it sounds like they know what they're doing.

[SilverStag]

Welcome to OHW confuseddad

I am so very glad you found us and I will tell you why! Oh wait before I explain let me tell you I'm 57 and have a married child in his early 30's. Even though I am a hotwife I would still be somewhat surprised if they approached us with the same story. So I understand the confusion and concern, it is out of love

There are a lot of real people that will chime in with their experiences. We have a Poly Forum that you might want to read through to get some ideas about how different couples view their relationships.

We are a pretty open and friendly community

1) we have couples here that have engaged in non-monogamy for 20, 30 and even 40 years.
*It doesn't fix a broken relationship but if a couple has good communication skills and a solid foundation this can be a great journey together where they learn a lot about each other and themselves.
To be involved in a successful non-monogamous relationship you need open lines of communication, honesty and trust.

2) some couples keep their "vanilla" lives separate but it is more common for those that are poly vs those that are not, to introduce a boyfriend to family and friends
*I would say meeting him depends on your comfort level. Your daughter is asking you to meet someone she is in a relationship with. It is a little unconventional but it isn't much different than meeting anyone else she has a relationship with.

3) Dinner at her house? Just shake his hand and ask how they met (like any friend of hers you meet the 1st time) and see if you have anything in common you can talk about.
*The subject of their relationship doesn't have to be dinner conversation if the two of you aren't ready for that.

4) The two of them CHOSE this. There are more people out there choosing alternative relationship styles than you might think.
**There is a word compersion that some here could explain better than I.
His happiness may come from seeing her happy.

Many men on this site are turned on by the thought of their wifes having sex with other men. So they definitely benefit!

This is very well put. Ii agree entirely.

I would add that the guy the daughter wants you to meet is someone she has feelings for and she wants your verification of her choice and for you to be informed should you run into the two of them somewhere. Consider it the equivalent of taking the new boyfriend home to meet the parents in a more conventional relationship.

[isinlarsa]

The thing that bothers me is that she says they are continuing their relationship with the boyfriend she wanted to end things with because he threatened to out them. As her dad, I wouldn't be upset if they were "poli" (although she sounds more like a hotwife), but because of his threats I would have no respect for him and if they had my wife and I meet him, I would want to smash his face in.

I wouldn't worry about her husband getting "the short end". This is something the husband of a hotwife wants, and gets a lot of satisfaction from.

[2inUPMichigan]

The thing that bothers me is that she says they are continuing their relationship with the boyfriend she wanted to end things with because he threatened to out them. As her dad, I wouldn't be upset if they were "poli" (although she sounds more like a hotwife), but because of his threats I would have no respect for him and if they had my wife and I meet him, I would want to smash his face in.

I wouldn't worry about her husband getting "the short end". This is something the husband of a hotwife wants, and gets a lot of satisfaction from.

It sounded to me like she broke up with one of her boyfriends but the man she wants them to meet is one she has been involved with longer and has a deeper interest in. (Not the same guy) I could be wrong but that was my take on it.

[leander99]

I would like to add something important to confuseddad.

That is simply to only do what you are comfortable with.
They had good reasons to bring this up to you, but that does not mean you are required to have a part in it.

If meeting the boyfriend is to strange, then it is OK to ask your daughter to keep this part of her life more to herself.
Not in a disapproving way, but I think there is nothing wrong in finding this a bit overwhelming.

[confuseddad]

Thank you for the feedback everyone.

To be clear, the man she would like us to meet is a different person from the one that was threatening her. I'm actually pretty proud that she chose to talk to us rather than let someone threaten her. The man she would like us to meet is someone she has been seeing for awhile who she apparently very much likes.

My wife spoke to our daughter more yesterday and then my wife and I spoke more last night. She's leaning more on the side of meeting this guy. Her view is that no matter what our daughter is in a relationship with this person and we can't change that, and it's better to be more informed. I can't really argue too much with that.

I think I'd like to talk to our daughter and her husband, or maybe just here, more before really deciding on anything. I get she's an adult and will do what she want, but it's hard not to get a little puritanical fatherly twinge about some of this stuff. Which I know is my own thing to deal with. My wife said she asked our daughter how many "boyfriends" she's had and she just said "a lot," which no judgement, but is still really hard for me to wrap my head around.

I think one major hangup is that reading around here and other places and articles and stuff, I'm not really sure if this is a lifestyle thing or a kink thing. My wife and I aren't dumb. If it's a lifestyle thing, if this is who she is or they are, then we'll accept and support as best we can. We have a gay son and I think we've done our best to always show him love and support, long before he even came out to us. I'm just a little concerned about whether or not my wife and I are being involved in like a kink, which doesn't seem totally right.

[Long Lurker 34]

CD - Not in the LS in anyway, except for reading and commenting here.

To my mind unless there is someone involved who has a particular religious view, the only difference between your daughter having a BF while being married, is the fact her husband has legal standing with her and the BF doesn't.
Could just as easily have been that she was single and had two BF's who both knew each other.

[Natatude]

My husband is the same as her husband. He wants me to have a boyfriend. Someone I can do things with, as well as have sex with. We also have the occasional threesome, guys are both straight.
I have had a boyfriend for 29 years almost. My family knows him as my best friend. None of them know we have sex. They just think we are best friends and I leave it at that. They all love him!!
My husband really does want it this way, so we have decided to search for more guy friends.
By the way I am 53 and hubby is 58, we started when I was 24 and he was 30. And were married 5 years at that point.
I can love my husband and my boyfriend both, but I would never divorce my husband for him and we let that be known from the get go. My boyfriend has always been single so it works out. We go to concerts and out to dinner and all 3 of us, go on a vacation together once a year and have get togethers. It actually wonderful!!

[SilverStag]

It is difficult to not be overly protective of your daughter. After all, you raised her as your little princess, and now you find out that she is sometimes, someone else.

In my opinion one shouldn't know too much about relative's sex lives. It can make things uneasy and uncomfortable if you have not had that open dialog throughout their lives. I had a GF who was very upfront about her sex life with her daughter and her daughter also was open to her mother in the same way. I dated the mom and found it curious that whenever we were going out to a swinger club, she always called her daughter before we left. I finally asked why, and she said that her daughter was also a swinger, and she was ensuring they wouldn't be at the same club at the same time. Her comment was, "The last thing I want to hear when I'm in the middle of a "puppy pile" is "Mom??".

I applaud your daughter for not being willing to be blackmailed. It is very freeing when you no longer need to keep secrets. I was in a high-profile public service position for a very long career and was a public face of my employer. The fact that I was also in the Swinger Lifestyle made for some tense and cautionary moves throughout that career. Once I retired and no longer held that "public face" I didn't care if I was "outed" and it was the most freeing feeling I have ever had. I don't go around advertising my participation in the LS, but if someone finds out, they have no way to harm me any longer.

Your daughter is not asking for your permission, she is saving you embarrassment should the moron that is threatening actually follow through on his threat.

[confuseddad]

Thank you again to everyone.

Wife and I have talked a lot. We're going to either go out to dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend or brunch this weekend. He's apparently older than her and married, and his wife knows and is supportive. But she herself doesn't date anyone.

My daughter has been talking to my wife about this all, but I've really only talked to her one on one once. That's been strange cause I've always been closer to my daughter and my wife our son, but I guess she feels more comfortable talking to her mom. Of course that's fine.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to my SIL and I'm not sure if I should. We have a good relationship and I'm not exactly sure what'd I'd say or if I even should talk to him about all of this.

[Long Lurker 34]

Thank you again to everyone.

Wife and I have talked a lot. We're going to either go out to dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend or brunch this weekend He's apparently older than her and married, and his wife knows and is supportive. But she herself doesn't date anyone.

My daughter has been talking to my wife about this all, but I've really only talked to her one on one once. That's been strange cause I've always been closer to my daughter and my wife our son, but I guess she feels more comfortable talking to her mom. Of course that's fine.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to my SIL and I'm not sure if I should. We have a good relationship and I'm not exactly sure what'd I'd say or if I even should talk to him about all of this.

CD - Let us know how the get together goes.

[Lookingforadventure]

Thank you again to everyone.

Wife and I have talked a lot. We're going to either go out to dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend or brunch this weekend. He's apparently older than her and married, and his wife knows and is supportive. But she herself doesn't date anyone.

My daughter has been talking to my wife about this all, but I've really only talked to her one on one once. That's been strange cause I've always been closer to my daughter and my wife our son, but I guess she feels more comfortable talking to her mom. Of course that's fine.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to my SIL and I'm not sure if I should. We have a good relationship and I'm not exactly sure what'd I'd say or if I even should talk to him about all of this.

I didn't reply before because it seemed like you already had good advice, but now I want to add that you should feel proud of your daughter and the fact that she feels comfortable talking to you about this. That says a lot about your relationship.

I hope that dinner/brunch goes well. You don't need to fully understand why she chose to do this, and you don't need to fully endorse it either, but seeking to understand will keep the doors to your relationship with her open. Who knows what might happen to her relationship in the future. He might move away or they might break up. She will be grieving that and might not be able to express that to most people in her life. Now she knows that she has you as a support community when/if she needs it.

As for the son in law, I don't think you need to seek out a conversation if he isn't showing signs of wanting to talk about it. If you are curious, you could probably ask him how he feels about it, or why he likes this, and he might tell you. But it isn't really necessary. The bigger thing is to be non judgmental with your daughter as you wrap your minds around this.

[Gulfcpl]

I give credit to your daughter and SIL and you two. Apparently you raised her to respect the viewpoint and lifestyle of others without judgement because she had the courage to talk to you about it. I loved my parents dearly but my wife and could never in a million years talk to either of our sets of parents out this. It would surely have caused their premature deaths.

There’s nothing wrong with being apprehensive about meeting the other gentleman. I have no doubt you and your wife will handle this class. You should be proud of yourselves for raising children that can talk to you about anything. My hat is off to you.

[confuseddad]

Hello everyone.

Had a very surreal experience yesterday, but I think overall it went pretty well. Just...surreal.

We met for brunch and my daughter's boyfriend, as far as I can tell in one meeting, seems like a very nice guy. He's older than her, closer to my age than hers, so that seemed a little odd at first. She's also known him longer than her husband which was surprising in a week of surprises.

He was very outgoing and gregarious, charming but in a laid back sort of way. We learned that he's married and what he described as "poly" with his wife, though she doesn't date anyone else by her own choice. When our daughter first talked to us about this she said a lot of things about relationships and bonds that sounds very much from a book or some other resource. I get the impression that either came from him or they've read the same books as a lot of what he said mirrored her own words and she nodded along a lot.

I'm really doing my best to remain open-minded about this situation, but it still isn't easy. My daughter and her husband aren't what I would really call outwardly affectionate, they don't hold hands or stuff like that. But with him at least she just seemed happy, a little giggly, leaning into him a lot, that sort of thing. Just strange to see in the moment I guess and I felt happy that she seemed happy, but the circumstances are still hard to wrap my brain around.

My son in law didn't really come up that much. He's apparently met her boyfriend lots of times and they know each other and get along pretty well, but that was about the end of it.

I think it was a good experience overall. But I also feel like the more I learn, as much as it's reassuring, I just have more and more questions.

[confuseddad]

I posted here some months ago looking for some advice. My wife and I found out our married adult daughter was seeing other men and in particular had a boyfriend that she was in a relationship with. My wife and I have learned a lot over the past few months, including having gotten to know our daughters boyfriend pretty well and we've even met his wife. We've learned and read a lot about different relationships from cuckolding and wifesharing and hotwifing, to polyamory.

Long story short, my wife went on her first date with another man about two weeks ago, right before New Years. She gone out with that man a couple times since and just went out with another man this weekend.

It's definitely been an overwhelming few months with all we've learned and discussed, especially about each other. But it's also been exciting in lots of different ways.

Anyway, just wanted to time a brief update if anyone was curious.

[venus-can99]

Very interesting narrative CD and very interesting that you and your wife are also starting down this path. Are you also planning to date other women or is your wife going to be the one? Based on reading your account of discussions with your daughter, her BF and hubby, were you the one to bring up hw'ing with your wife or was it mutual?
Sorry about all these questions, just curious.
I think this thread may belong well in one of the other forums like "hotwife", cuckold or stag/vixen. I would leave others to suggest.

[Her number1]

Thanks for coming back with your update. You sound like this is being a good additionto your lives.

[Open2it]

I posted here some months ago looking for some advice. My wife and I found out our married adult daughter was seeing other men and in particular had a boyfriend that she was in a relationship with. My wife and I have learned a lot over the past few months, including having gotten to know our daughters boyfriend pretty well and we've even met his wife. We've learned and read a lot about different relationships from cuckolding and wifesharing and hotwifing, to polyamory.

Long story short, my wife went on her first date with another man about two weeks ago, right before New Years. She gone out with that man a couple times since and just went out with another man this weekend.

It's definitely been an overwhelming few months with all we've learned and discussed, especially about each other. But it's also been exciting in lots of different ways.

Anyway, just wanted to time a brief update if anyone was curious.

Your comments, questions, and concerns are always welcome. It sounds like you’re beginning to embrace this lifestyle as well. Don’t worry about labels or fitting into prescribed boxes. It’s about what you both are comfortable with and enjoy.

[athlete915]

My wife and I are both in our 40's and we're what I would consider very liberal, very progressive. Certainly not prudes and we make a real effort not to judge others.

Confuseddad seems like the perfect screen name and the confusion is absolutely natural. Regardless of how open-minded and liberal you are, this is still a lot.

My perspective is a bit different from some of the other respondents. I've been dating couples in the role of a bull for over a decade now.

Hello Everyone. First, if this isn't the right place for this then I apologize. I've tried searching around and trying to find a good place to ask questions and it's surprisingly difficult.

Questions.

1. But does this seem safe? Sustainable? Like most things there is some risk, but if done right, it is absolutely safe and sustainable. Almost like a Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the first step is making sure that my couples are safe. That can take many forms from keeping them safe from others when we are out together to making sure we all get STD checks. The next step up is comfort, which focuses on making sure that both the wife and husband are comfortable with me and the relationship. Next comes happiness and pleasure. Again, I want to make sure that both the wife and husband are happy and enjoying the relationship.

The only couples I have known who divorced after getting into the lifestyle did so because of issues that preexisting getting into the lifestyle. I wrote a post about what I look for in my couples and one key thing is knowing that they have a happy, stable marriage to begin with.

2. Towards the end of our conversation our daughter said she'd love for us to meet her boyfriend, which her husband seemed supportive of. Is it right for us to do that or get involved in that way? I am as discreet and private as my couples need to be. I don't push them to open up to outsiders. With that said, it can be healthy for them to do so if they are comfortable with it. It helps them escape the feeling that they are living two lives and that somehow one of those two lives is "wrong."

3. If we meet her boyfriend (that's still really weird to think about) we aren't really sure what to do. Ha, just treat him like anyone else. If he is good at what he does, he will be capable of ingratiating himself with you and your wife.

4. This is hard for us, but is this fair to her husband? To us at least he seems to be getting the short end of things, despite him saying that he's supportive. Totally understandable, but I think if you asked him or other lifestyle husbands, they will tell you that they couldn't imagine their marriages without it. For most, being forced into the box of being a vanilla husband was like having to play a role that was different from their natural instincts. Getting into the lifestyle is incredibly freeing for them.

I remember the first time I was with a couple. He and I stepped out of the bedroom and I remembered him looking me in the eyes and telling me that it had been the hottest experience of his life. He hadn't even had sex with her, yet here was earnestly telling me that it had been the best sexual experience of his life. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it at the time, but it was a great learning experience.

[confuseddad]

Thanks all.

I think if I'm honest with myself, after my and I first found about our daughter and her lifestyle I had the thought somewhere in the back of my head of "I wonder if my wife would ever be interested in that?"

But I think it was tied up with a lot of stuff and I felt weird about knowing we learned about all this through our daughter.


My wife has been talking to our daughter a lot more about everything than I had, and right around Thanksgiving my wife finally said something like "Sounds like it could be fun" or " she certainly has fun" or something like that and the floodgates just kind of opened.

Just a couple days after that she was on Tinder and Bumbl and just getting inundated with matches and it was all kind of funny and silly and exciting.


We've talked a lot about everything I think and just being open and communicative. We have some boundaries and rules we both agreed to. Right now I don't really have a ton of interest in dating anyone else myself, but that door is open to me in the future.

[athlete915]

Thanks all.

I think if I'm honest with myself, after my and I first found about our daughter and her lifestyle I had the thought somewhere in the back of my head of "I wonder if my wife would ever be interested in that?" If you ask other husbands on here, I think you will find a common pattern. First, when they first hear about the lifestyle, they are confused and have no clue why any husband/couple would do something like this. Next, there is that moment of curiosity where they start to wonder how these relationships work and what everyone gets out of it. Then there's the "well, that may work for them", but not for us... but I wonder what it would be like for us? Then they start picturing it... and fantasizing about it. Finally, there's that moment of self-awareness where they are like, "wow, I do actually want this."

Your situation is a bit unique in how you were introduced to it, but I am not surprised that you began thinking about your own wife exploring it.

We've talked a lot about everything I think and just being open and communicative. We have some boundaries and rules we both agreed to. Very smart of you. The more you two discuss it now, the better things will be down the road. Just make sure that you are revisiting those conversations from time to time to see if feelings have changed/evolved as you've gained experience.

Right now I don't really have a ton of interest in dating anyone else myself, but that door is open to me in the future. A simple question to ask yourself is whether you would see pursuing another woman as a thrill or a distraction from your wife's adventure(s)? Pursuing another woman would mean less time to be involved with your wife's adventure. While that is an okay compromise for some husbands, many others find it far more thrilling to be closely involved with their wife's experience. Hearing about the men who are interested in her and which she is interested in. What is she looking for in these men? How do they handle the idea that she is married? How do things go when she finally meets one?

Just ask yourself what you want. It's not about keeping things "even" and "fair." If you are more interested in your wife's experience, focus on that. If you are interested in other women, take the opportunity.

[venus-can99]

Thanks for the reply CD - it looks like you are all set for a wonderful journey.

[Shiphead]

Confused, they have found that sex is a free amusement park. No lines no waiting.There are so many rides. Once people figure out that sex is fun, a whole new world opens up.
When a new faster roller-coaster opens up, we want to try it because it does things different and gives us goosebumps again. I also love to see my (ex in my case) have a great new experience. That's compersion. I get a thrill watching her have fun. I may or may not like the new ride myself, but I really love and get excited watching her enjoy herself.
We will eventually grow bored of the same thing over and over and wait for the next new thing. Did I wear that out!
But again keep sex fun. If you both keep communicating and make sure the other is also on the same page, everything is open for you to try. It's so sad that religion causes people to restrict sex to making babies in missionary position. Makes life boring.