Another man loves my wife

[lagercandle2014]

I can agree with some of D+D comments he has put forward you don't have to give up right now think it through some of My advice/views could be wrong only you realy know your wife.

Have that talk with your wife and as I said listen to her first before making any decision as to bringing up sharing her, if the green light is there then then I would suggest that it was not with your friend (to many dangerous emmotions here) and take a hotwife lifestyle rather than a poly relationship which I think would be a bit to heavy a route for you both at the moment.

I also don't think she will loose respect for you by telling her about your fantasy what I meant was she may well do if you try to push, force or coherse her to accept for what is at the moment your fantasy, give her as much time as she needs, it has to be a joint agreement that both of you want to try it, and don't forget to set some ground rules first they can always be changed later if you both agree.

Good luck and best wishes

[co-husband]

largecandle...thank you. Very good advice.
Knowing my wife, I do believe that she will need to feel an emotional bond first with any man that she has sex with. So the type of hotwife lifestyle where she would be with a stranger, I don't think would work for us. That's why I have hope with our friend, and the emotional bond I see forming between them.
You are so right that I need to give her time and let her progress at her own pace. Thank you for your help!

Mark

[D+D]

I can only know what I think my own wife would have done prior to becoming a hotwife had she been in your wife's current position. I don't think that she would have had sex even if she wanted to without knowing that I was ok with it. Consenting to her having non sexual intimacy such as lunches, sharing their feelings, or holding hands is different to me than having sex. I know my wife would not consider it the same either. I just feel that your wife might need to know what you're really ok with before she advances further.

[dali_23]

Plans and logic can dissolve quickly when the heart is involved. If you go forward with a poly dynamic, it is a great leap of faith. For us, it took an enormous amount of communication to take this step, and it is still a work in progress.

Good luck.

[Samanthasman]

Plans and logic can dissolve quickly when the heart is involved. If you go forward with a poly dynamic, it is a great leap of faith. For us, it took an enormous amount of communication to take this step, and it is still a work in progress.

Good luck.

I agree with this perspective.

You, the husband, have a clear vision about what you want here, but you are alone in that vision. Your wife and friend may not have a vision or may have other visions. Of course EVERY wife is going to say "My husband comes first... I'll never leave him... He's number one,,," - every story on here starts with that. Don't let that give you a false sense of security.

Once this thing goes to the next level, all bets are off. I'll suggest again you have some frank discussions with the wife (first) that you would like a poly relationship and see if you can get on the same page with that. If so, then you both need to have that talk with the friend.

It feels to me more like you want this thing and are encouraging them to move forward, and are hoping it moves in the direction you desire... which is just one of many possible scenarios.

Relating to my own story, I wanted a hotwife, and encouraged her with lattitude to be one, but she wanted more of a "sanctioned affair". They are similar, but not the same and the differences have caused us to hit some bumps in the road. Fortunately, our relationship is strong and can take some hits, but still, just because you are driving in a tank, does not mean you don't need to map out a plan in advance.

[lagercandle2014]

Mark just noticed your name rather than me use cohusband I hope it's ok to use Mark from now on, thanks for reply and your thoughts and correct me if I am reading this wrong You would prefer a poly relationship and I fully accept and understand that, as you may be aware there many variations/types of the poly lifestyle would you like to explain in more detail how you see what format/way you would like yours to take.

I am would very much like know your views/feelings so that I can better understand the type of person you are because I like many others here want to see a good ending, sometimes we might seem pushy or self opionated but that's because I for one care and seek to help and advise if I can, I'm to old in the tooth and probabley set in my ways to be anything else and I'm happy with the way I am, but I am always ready to listen to others and admit My faults/mistakes which I'm shure I have many.

So hope to here some more details from you and take care.

Regards LC

[co-husband]

Hi LC...thank you. I'm glad to elaborate more on what I think I'd like to see happen.

I think my ideal situation would be for my wife and I to continue just as we are as a couple. We enjoy our marriage, our empty nest, common interests in life in general. We have a great family, social connections with friends...overall a life that others envy. My wife truly is beautiful. I tell her she could be in Playboy and I'm not exaggerating. She is one of those over 50 women who still look like she is in her 30s, petite, blonde, great body, breasts that are just right (34c). Seeing her in just those tight bikini panties, barefoot and topless is like you would not believe! lol

So to answer your question, I would love to let our friend experience my wife on not only the emotional level that they currently enjoy, but on a sexual level too. I would like to let her go to his house once a week and be his wife in the sense that he would have full privilege with her just as I do the rest of the week. Maybe co-husband is a bit over-doing it. Not sure what the right term should be, maybe you or others could tell me that, but overall that's what I would like to see happen.

Mark ( and yes, no problem with you using my name here)

[lagercandle2014]

Mark thanks for your reply I think that what you would like to happen sounds good, once a week if it were happening to me I could accep that and would be ok so long as she returned to me that same night I.E. a sympathy fuck (not shure this is the right word but it sort of fits) but definately no overnight stays don't know if this what you were thinking but I hope it is.

If and when you have this talk with your wife and if there's a green light then this is one of the ground rules you should discuss and put in place to help stop her feelings for him going to far and getting to involved hopefully she will already want this anyhow.

When you have sorted things out the way you both want it to be and set your agreed ground rules Thats the time for you both to sit down and have that chat with your friend, make shure that you both tell him that although you know about him being in love with your wife and you understand but that your wife does not have feelings for him in the same way only as a friend and he must not try to change the situation if he wants your friendship to continue and you both will not stand for him to try and come between you, I think you both need to be very firm on this issue to safe gaurds in your marriage.

This only a small part of of what you need to sort out but I feel it is a very important part there will be lots more to discuss and agree just be truthful with each other always and I'm shure you will both be ok and keep the comunication between you going allways that's the secret in all this.

I hope you do not think that Im trying to tell you what to do or run your lives I would never want to do that, just trying to give you what I think is good advice as I dont want your marriage to fail take care.

Regards and best wishes for you both LC

[co-husband]

Thanks LC..I do appreciate your advice. And as you described is exactly what I have in mind should it move to a sexual sharing rather than just emotional. A once a week "mercy fuck" is a good term for it I think. Giving our friend the enjoyment of physical time with my wife for maybe an afternoon, but not overnight.

I've tried to put myself in his place and I know how very difficult it would be for me if I were alone and never got to touch a woman. I take it for granted, and would really love to let him have that intimate experience once a week. I think if I were in his position, and a friend let me be sexually intimate with his wife for just a couple of hours per week, I would appreciate a mercy fuck and realize it's not like being married to her, she would be his wife, but I would love to just be an intimate friend.
Knowing my friend like I do, I really believe this is how he would view it too, if it happens to get to that point between him, my wife and myself.

Mark

[Salsonero]

It wouldn't hurt to verbalize this concept to your friend and wife so everyone is on the same page.

[mathuranjali]

Have they been out on an evening date at all? Maybe that would be a good place to get them closer?

[co-husband]

Hi Mathuranjali....They have not yet been out on an evening date alone. He lives about 30 minutes from us so the lunch dates have just been more convenient for them so far. The most alone time that they have spent was the one day that my wife went shopping with him for new drapes for his house. I had business in the area that day so I dropped her at his house about 9 AM and they were together until about 5 PM when I picked her up. They did shopping and lunch together, then were alone inside his house putting up curtains for part of the afternoon.

I'm sure nothing overtly sexual happened or my wife would have told me, and honestly I think I could have known just by how she would have acted around me if she had actually had sex with him that day. There MAY have been some hand holding or hugging (I've seen them do that in front of me), but I really don't know for sure what they did when they were alone. Other than my wife told me they sat and talked for a long time, and that he needed to talk about his divorce and his feelings.
Also..it was only a week or so after this that he confessed to her that he had fallen in love with her. So I'm thinking the bonding that took place that day in his house is what pushed him to the point where he felt comfortable telling her about his feelings for her.

For me it was an intense day just knowing that he had my wife's full attention all day, and that he actually did have her alone in his house. I can tell you that it aroused me so much that I can still remember the sex she and I had that night after we got home lol.

Mark

[JRE]

Have they been out on an evening date at all? Maybe that would be a good place to get them closer?

This actually points out one of the reasons a semi-poly arrangement worked for us. While my wife and I have mostly common interests, one thing we've had difficulty changing is the way our body clocks are programmed. I have a lark personality. Up before dawn, and early to bed. She has the owl personality. Loves to sleep in and doesn't really get going until after the sun sets. We have always just adjusted for the other, but when she had a boyfriend with a matching body clock she was thrilled to be able to enjoy a nightlife. He wasn't there during the day, and since I'm retired my wife and I had all day together. When he arrived in the evening they often went out to eat or see a movie, or visit a club. Best of both worlds for all of us.

When it came to sex, she made certain I was never wanting. In the evening she would often join me in bed while her BF watched television. After sex, she would sometimes stay with me, but more often would join him to watch a movie and then spend the night in his bed. I know that seems very odd to some folks, but the sexual part was very comfortable and satisfying for all of us.

To the point. Evening dates for most people are certainly more conducive to sexual thought and opportunity and could advance the plan a little faster.

[JRE]

Mark, just curious. Has your wife ever specifically asked you if you mind if she has lunch dates with him? If so, and if she clearly has your okay to meet him anytime, it's only a small step to creating a situation where they could be together in more intimate surroundings. Maybe an evening date for the three of you that you could beg out of at the last minute with insistence that they go and have fun.

[co-husband]

JRE... you and your wife sound a lot like my wife and I. I am the one up early in the morning and she sleeps in. (I'm writing this in the morning and she is still in bed). But at night by 10 PM I am ready to end the day and go to bed leaving her up by herself. She sometimes doesn't make it to bed until 2 AM. So the way you describe you and your wife, I can really relate to. And actually I've seen the time stamps on her texts between our friend and her and many of them are after I have gone to bed.

And like you, we have arranged our sex to accommodate our two different body clocks. We have sex about 5 PM just before dinner. Like your wife, mine always wants to make certain that I stay satisfied, almost insisting that we have sex 3 times a week. I never have to initiate sex, it's just known that she wants me that often.

So the idea of me being her "day man" and her boyfriend being her "night man" makes a lot of sense to me. I would certainly have no problem taking his sloppy seconds. Not sure how he would feel about mine.

Mark

[mathuranjali]

What are the names of your wife and her boyfriend? Pseudonyms will do but it will help us have a better image in our heads.

[co-husband]

Mathuranjali...my wife's name is Juli. She is 52 years old, 5'2" tall, weighs 120 lbs. Has blonde hair and brown eyes. Her boyfriend's name is Brian. He's 61 years old, fit, smart and nice personality. He has been divorced for about a year. Juli and I have been married for 32 years. Please let me know if you have other questions.

Thanks,

Mark

[lagercandle2014]

Hi Mark just briefly read through you post again mainly your comments and a couple of things have come up to Me.

First off have you talked or hinted to Brian Just have a funny feeling you have without Juli's knowledge about your feelings and how you would like things to be and if so was this before or after he told Juli he had fallen in love with her.

Secondly no matter how things go when you talk to Juli green light or red light I think both of you should consider helping Brian if he is willing to help find another woman to come into his life you know perhaps a divorcee or widow after all he is only 61 and hopefully still has plenty of time to form another relationship and not be so lonely.

I am shure he is still hurting from his divorce it's only been a year, can you tell me some of the details of his divorce after what I presume was a long marriage just to get an insight on him.

With Juli spending more time than you think this is fair to say, trying to help him overcome his love,pain and hurt feelings from his wife and this is probally why he feels so attached to Juli and why he says he loves her a rebound love perhaps.

I myself am 65 and retired my wife is 62 and retires next year when we plan to sell the little buisness she has and have a holiday a very naughty one if I get my way, I now help her out in the shop when required just to stay active (not ready to kick the bucket yet) and she says since I retired I'm like a buck rabbit (have you seen rabbits fucking)not that I'm complaining her words not mine, god help me when she retires and has more time on her hands payback time on me from her (can't wait LOL hey doc hows about getting me on the viagra list), just a little insight on my wife and me, what I'm trying to say is that there's still lots of time and living left for all of us to enjoy so do it.

As my Father once said to me when I became 18 you are only here once and for a short time at that you'r dead a long time, so enjoy it as much as you can.

Regards LC

[mathuranjali]

Juli sounds just lovely.

[JRE]

While trying to read between the lines, I have nagging thoughts that something hasn’t been clearly determined and that is what Juli’s internal response has been to her (evolving?) friendship with Brian. You’ve said that she’s been very open when talking about their time together, but it might be that her responses have been difficult to interpret, or that due to your desire to script a situation you are missing subtle hints she might be voicing. Does she laughingly communicate any concerns about where his emotions are leading, or does she seriously seek your counsel about how to respond to him? Does she seem content with a role as best female friend only, and has she hinted to you what would be a no-go zone in their friendship? Has she talked about spending time with Brian beyond next week’s lunch date? When she talks about her dates with him, does she immediately bring up the subject or do you have to pump her for information? Is she energized after a date, or does her demeanor appear forced? Does she do anything different to her appearance before her lunch dates? New fragrance? New lipstick color? New clothing? Any change in her sexual interests or intensity after their lunch dates? It’s like reading a book too fast and missing that important paragraph that confuses the entire plot. Sometimes it helps to go back and review what has happened.

If it seems natural for something you might do, before their next lunch date, try getting her a small gift that alters her appearance enough to test his propensity to compliment her looks. A piece of jewelry or a new top with a neckline that might be an inch more revealing than something she might normally wear. Christmas would be a great time to experiment. Ask her to seek his opinion and study her response to his response.

I’ve found that while my wife is very open about her physical relationship with other men, it takes a lot of beating around the bush before she is able to reveal her emotions regarding those with whom she shares more than sex. Just as you sense with Juli, she seems to hold back for fear of hurting me, and it takes lots of renewed reassurances to get her to open up, but once that point is reached her feelings pour out. Perceived or real, that emotional uneasiness line appears to be the common boundary between hotwifing and polyandry.

[co-husband]

First I'll answer LC's questions about Brian. He and his wife were married 27 years and she left him to move in with another man that she had been seeing for about a year. Brian says he knew she had been unfaithful to him but was surprised that she actually divorced him. He told Juli that his wife had been unfaithful at other times during their marriage but then would go for a few years before she did it again. So that is the background of what happened to his marriage. I'm sure he has told Juli more information over their lunch dates than I know about. And frankly I'm ok not knowing every detail.

I've not talked to Brian directly and told him that I would be ok if he took things further with Juli, but I have always tried to be reassuring that I do not feel threatened by his time alone with her. I mentioned in one of my posts here that Juli spent the day with Brian shopping and helping him hang curtains in his house. That was the day that when I picked her up, Brian said to me, "Thank you for sharing your wife with me". I just smiled and told him "you're welcome". And it was the next week or two when he told Juli that he had "fallen in love with her".
(To answer JRE)..that confession from Brian did seem to shake Juli a little bit. I think it genuinely surprised her. She seemed to hesitate for a day or two after that, and I think part of her hesitation was wondering how I felt about it. I reassured her that Brian needed a female friend to confide in and it was probably natural for him to develop a bond with her since he had been so open with her about his very private emotions after his divorce. We had already scheduled a dinner with Brian that weekend and we went ahead and met with him. Juli had texted him to let him know that I was ok. The dinner was a little awkward I could tell, but I made a point to act like nothing had happened and all was as it was before his confession. After that day it has been life as normal and they continue to meet for their weekly lunch dates.

Juli always looks nice but yes she makes sure she wears nice clothes when meeting with Brian. We have always had a good sex life so it's hard to say that she is more sexual now, but she certainly doesn't like to go very long without. If we haven't done it in a couple of days, she initiates, which is perhaps a bit out of the ordinary. Whatever the reason, Juli's sex drive is very good and for that I'm thankful lol.

And Mathuranjali...thank you. Yes Juli is amazing. Honestly before sex I love to just watch her undress..she is 52 but has the body of a 30 year old.

Mark

[D+D]

Mark...sometimes we get involved in other people's situations here on the forum. Thanks first of all for allowing us into your life. Sometimes, however, we get a little excited and may give you the feeling that we're trying to rush you. Not at all. You must proceed at a pace at which you are comfortable. It's just that those of us that have experienced some form of hotwifing and thoroughly enjoyed it, see your situation as an oppurtunity and it is, quite frankly, exciting. So please forgive if we sometimes seem a little over anxious.

[co-husband]

D+D...thank you for that. No I really haven't felt like anyone has intruded and I do welcome all the comments and advice. This really is new territory for me so I am taking it slow. I don't want to rush things and risk anyone getting hurt. I will say though (and this is something JRE alluded to), I do feel a bit amazed that Juli has allowed her "relationship" with Brian to go as far as it has already. I mean just a year ago, to say that my wife would be going out to lunch alone with another man would have been unthinkable ( I mean that she would actually want to do it). And to think that she would privately exchange text messages every day with another man would have been unheard of. So just what has happened so far is a HUGE leap for her and frankly for me too. I'm convinced that at least in her mind, Juli is still viewing this as her helping a very good friend to deal with a very difficult and emotional time in his life. The fact that she is a married woman, basically dating a single man is something I'm not sure she has admitted to in her own mind. (Does that make sense? Not sure I am able to really articulate what I'm trying to convey).

So no D+D please don't think that you are being too intrusive. I honestly appreciate the feedback and the questions. I'm very happy to share information here and encourage people to ask questions. I can't talk about this to anyone who I actually know, so this forum has been a real help to me.

Mark

[D+D]

I understand exactly what you are saying. She is obviously enjoying her relationship or she would drop it. The idea that she is helping a friend is the perfect excuse to continue their relationship. I know that this is hot and intense for you. I would be beside myself with excitement. Please continue posting as this journey continues.

[lannontom]

It doesn't look like you really want a true poly relationship (I.e. No overnights) so do you think exposing a man on the rebound to a surrogate love will hamper his ability to search for a deeper emotional connection with someone else?